Surrounded by Losers?

What needs to change...

We were not created to be alone.  Our hearts, minds, and souls crave community.  We are designed to thrive when we are sharing ideas and moments.  Shared laughter and tears create bonds.  Helping one another with burdens and difficult circumstances allow us to be focused on something outside of ourselves.

And in this is love.  Love of family.  Love of friends.  Love of someone special.

But I see too many people ready to give up because love let them down.  They’re ready to call it quits or close themselves off because love cost them.

What if what let you down wasn’t love?  What if what let you down wasn’t the other person?  What if it was…you?

In all the love we see in life, much of it is thrown around carelessly.  With no depth, no thoughts of the future, no concern for the present warnings, what is shared as love is more often wishes draped in hope.

“I wish I had someone like her.”

“I wish he liked me.”

“I hope this works out.”

“I hope this is just a phase.”

“I wish he’d grow up.”

“I hope this is the last time she acts this way.”

It’s not really love.  It’s your desire to have a fairy tale ending to a relationship that should have never been.

We crave love so much that we see it where it doesn’t exist.  And instead of realizing that the person we fancy is incapable of providing the relationship we crave, we settle for less, but expect more.  And when it doesn't work out, we decide to build walls around our hearts, thinking we're protecting ourselves from ever being hurt again.

But that's not really what happens.

In building walls, we close ourselves off to *real* possibilities, *real* hope, *real* love.  We build walls thinking we’ll be safe from the losers in our past, never recognizing that we are the ones who chose them.

The problem with a wall is that you can’t see through it.  You can’t see over it.  You become so isolated, so lonely that you let down your gate to the first person who comes calling your name.  And more often than not, it’s another loser/user/taker/abuser who doesn’t know how to give what you desperately long for.

What you need to build is a fence.  Fences allow us to see what’s out there without letting anyone close until we decide it’s safe to open the door.  You have to be able to see what’s in front of you so you can determine if it’s worth your investment.  You need some distance to be able to determine if the words you hear match the actions you see.  People will show you who they are, but you have the responsibility to believe them, not excuse them.  The same type of person you keep finding yourself with isn’t attracted to you – you are attracted to them!  Whether you think you can “fix them” or “save them” or “be the only one who believes in them,” in the end, you are the only one who gets hurt.  And yet, nothing changes.  Instead of closing yourself off and protecting yourself, you need to learn to build some healthy boundaries.

Any marriage that’s last decades will tell you that there are times of tears and struggles and being let down by the person that shares their life.  But it’s not because they chose the wrong person.  It’s because love is messy.  Any time you let yourself be vulnerable and known by another, you risk being hurt.  So you have to use wisdom when choosing who to trust.  You have to know what you’re looking for so you don’t end up with things you don’t want.  You have to keep your heart soft without keeping it open for every single person who comes along.

We only have control over ourselves.  The man or woman who only wants to tear you down – they’ll never change.  But if you find yourself with a trail of that personality in your wake, you might want to ask yourself why.  Maybe you think you don’t deserve any better.  That’s one of the worst lies in the world.  You do deserve better.  But until you take accountability for the things you’ve ignored and allowed in your life, you will only keep bonding with the person who steals your self-worth.  If you can choose losers, you can choose winners too.  You just have to stop ignoring the red flags and switch gears on what you’ll accept.

Please don’t hide behind a wall and think you’re safer.  Walls are cold, dark places that many times breed resentment and bitterness.  They block out the sun and attract moisture.  I hope you’ll dry your tears and step out into the light that is the real place of hope.  Don’t be afraid to get close to people.  Don’t be afraid to be known.  But remember that not everyone needs – or deserves – to know everything about you.  Not everyone needs to be let through the gate.  You can still be friendly with someone who remains on the other side of the fence.

Figure out what you are looking for and then don’t settle for less.  You have one life and living it behind a wall robs everyone of the beautiful person you are.

If you wonder how you can start to implement boundaries and use better judgement in relationships, you might be interested to read this next. You'll be surprised at how many other areas of life we exert our preferences and expectations.  Our relationships - romantic or otherwise - should be even more important.