"Too Much" for Some People

Let's break that down...

Are you too much for introverts? Are you too much joy and puppy dogs and rainbows?  Are you too much energy and cardio? Are you too much of a history buff and people don’t want to hear about what excites you?

Or is it something else that no one has the courage to tell you?  Are you too much of a know it all? Are you too much of a flirt? Are you too much of a pessimist?  Are you too much of a complainer?  Are you too much of a drinker?

Sometimes “too much” for some really does mean they aren’t you’re tribe. I'm never going to want to go rock climbing or backpack across Europe or go on a wine tasting tour.  I've had to know where I won't fit best because I'll only be disappointed in the activities (and be disappointing to those doing them).

But this quote gets thrown around a lot.  It seems to be used as an excuse to be whoever and whatever with no accountability. It’s the female version of “boys will be boys.” And I don't think that statement is ok either.

We have to get to a point where we can recognize our differences without excusing and becoming tolerant of poor behavior.  I think any woman who needs to be validated by this statement because a group of friends think she's "too much" needs to ask some hard questions from someone she trusts to be honest.  And then maybe she needs to work on the things she can improve upon.  We should want others to think they never have enough time with us rather than think we were around "too much." 

The Word on My Heart...

 ...Dichotomies 

We live in a world of dichotomies. Absolutes. You can’t be both at the same time. 

Up               Down 

Left              Right 

Stop             Go 

On                Off 

Day              Night 

Hot               Cold 

Young           Old 

Employed     Unemployed 

Married         Not married 

Mine             Not mine 

Right now I find myself living in a grey area of two absolutes. Waiting on information that will tell me what to expect next. I find myself praying, begging, for the best case scenario. The best case for me. And while I’m seeking and trusting, I keep coming back to two different stories in the Bible. 

The first is from 2 Samuel 12:16-22. David has murdered a man, taken his wife, and now his child from that adultery is ill. “David pleaded with God for the child…..The Lord may be gracious to me.” Despite facing dire consequences that David brought on himself, he took his faith to God. And when the child died, David accepted the will of God. 

The other is found in Luke 11:5-8. Jesus tells the story of a man who needs bread for guests. It’s the middle of the night and he goes to ask his friend. The friend is in bed and doesn’t want to be disturbed. However, “because he is his friend, yet because of his persistence he will rise and give him as many as he needs.” 

This is my dichotomy. Pleading and knowing I will have to accept the will of God AND knowing His love for me as He allows my persistence. Because verse 10 goes on to say “For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.” 

Not because of our sin and consequences. Not because our pleading wears Him down. But because His mercy and goodness is weighed with love. And I will choose to worship Him, not because He gives me what I want or think is best. But because He is the creator and I am the created. His ways are eternal. I am a vapor. He is worthy to be praised whether I walk as David or walk as the neighbor. I choose His will even if it breaks my heart.

Unspoken Struggles

But I know Who to turn to 

I found myself fighting back tears the other day. I had been restless and awake during the early nighttime hours with thoughts whirling. When my alarm woke me for the day, I felt a melancholy I couldn’t identify or shake. A few hours later, with no warning, I was choking up while speaking with my husband. I told him I had many things on my mind and was unsure how to articulate them. What I needed was a good cry. A cleansing cry that gets ugly and teeters between silent heartbreak and louder loss. But I was driving and could not give in to the emotion bubbling up within me. I had to swallow it down, along with the words I needed to say but couldn’t find. 

That was two days ago. I have not had that good cleansing cry yet. The thoughts keep replaying. I’m a bit closer to being able to describe what I’m feeling, but I haven’t said many of them out loud. 

I know my thoughts are not unique to me. We’re nearing the end of another calendar year and we are all - consciously or unconsciously - aware of the losses and gains over the last 12 months. I think I’m feeling the weight of the losses more this year than previous years. Not all losses are counted in physical deaths. Not all losses are even negative. But when you’re excited for circumstances to be one way and they end up another…there is grieving over the loss. 

That’s not to say that the gains have been overshadowed. I have also been unable to speak through tears of joy and pride in loved ones, and in reminiscing over years past, in receiving treasures from those who love me. It has been a blessed year. But I think there’s something about endings that require us to pause, reflect, take account. Cold dreary days invite the tears and the regrets. Grieving is done best in an overcast cloud. And I think some of the heartache comes from not knowing if the next page will bring more of the same. Until the cleansing cry happens, there’s a heaviness that wants to remind me “it might not get better right away.” Knowing that and admitting that are two different things. 

That is why I am so thankful for these verses. Romans 8:25-27 says “But if we hope for what we don’t yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” 

I am still troubled by some of my thoughts, but I am not without hope. In fact, hope increases by waiting patiently for what is not yet revealed. Which is a huge comfort because some of my thoughts revolve around my purpose here and my desire to fulfill the works the Lord has prepared for me (that are as yet unknown to me). 

What reassurances in this scripture that my inability to describe my heartache is matched with the Holy Spirit’s wordless pleas on my behalf. For the Father needs no words to see and understand my fallible mind. It is a relief that He is already in the midst of my grief even as I process it myself. 

And the truth of His word to continue the work in me in accordance to His will - that perhaps some of what I struggle to understand has been a part of His plan all along. Whether through protection or growth or choices made by me or others, He has walked with me each step and will continue to do so as He brings His plan to fulfillment. I would not choose the heartache and pain, but I trust that His hands hold me and this part of my story will be used for His glory. 

If you’re ending this year with unspoken struggles, fears, grief, regrets, or heartache, I pray you also have a chance to ugly cry. To lay down the weight of your hurt and add your moans to those the Spirit is already offering on your behalf. May you be comforted by the Word and the hand of the Father. And I pray the beginning of another year brings you renewed hope as you grow closer to Him who is Hope.

Filling Their Cup

 In every relationship

While these photos depict a romantic partner relationship (and I’m so thankful for a husband who does this for me), I do not think it’s limited to a spouse/significant other situation. When we are hurting, reclusive, confused, insecure, or spent, we need those who will seek us out to not only check on us, but to pursue connection toward filling the emptiness. I hope each of you have at least one person in your life who enters into the uncomfortable with you. I hope you let them. I hope you do this for others in your life.

 

You Either Know Me...

 ...or you don't 

This used to bother me. Not having a chance to share my side or to defend myself against the lies would give me such a gut ache. But I realized two things: in time people often realize the one sided version doesn’t make sense AND anyone who doesn’t seek me out to ask me about my experience isn’t worth an explanation because they’ve already decided to believe a false version of me. You either know me or you don’t. Some people have been in my life for years and never known me. Others meet me for a short time and have my back forever. It’s not about my character. It’s about theirs.

No Longer Babies

But still can't feed themselves 

I saw this and realized I had never thought about the transition from being a baby bird fed by adults to being a self-sufficient bird who feeds himself. It’s a sweet and sad image. 

But it also got me thinking. This represents a system that has temporarily handicapped the bird. By having everything done and every need met, the young bird has no idea how to meet its own needs. I would guess there were some frustrating and hungry moments while he was learning to fend for himself. 

I’ve known some people like this bird. Handicapped by adults who did everything, provided everything, protected from everything…leaving them helpless when they reach adulthood. They walk around still expecting to be handed everything with very little effort on their part. Some of them learn quickly. Others go “hungry”for a good bit longer. 

And then I thought about scripture when Paul tells us that we should stop feeding on milk and desire meat. Babies live off milk. It is provided by others. A baby is at the mercy of whoever is feeding it - how much, what kind, what environment. Some Christians receive all of their biblical knowledge from the milk offered by others. Small doses based on the topics of interest controlled by others. Slow or stagnant growth confined to spaces with slow or stagnant growth. 

 And when meat is presented, they still expect to be fed, rather than to feed themselves. They do not know how to be nourished on anything else. They do not yet know how to hunt for the meat themselves. They see it. They desire it. But they cannot yet figure out how to obtain it. All because they were handicapped by being fed by others too long.

Our season of being babies - in our families or in our faith - is a short season. Shorter than any other season in our life. It is meant to be a temporary situation rather than a permanent station. And while we all eventually outgrow milk for meat in our physical bodies, it is not always guaranteed that we outgrow milk for meat in our spiritual bodies. 

If you are still wandering around making others feed you, start hunting. 

If you are still feeding others who should already be feeding themselves, let them fly and look for new babies to tend.

Letting Go

After forgiveness 

The phrase “letting go” has rolled around my head and my heart all week. Having forgiven, but remembering the pain. The injustice. The shock. The unfairness. The gossip. The apologies I deserved and will never get. How much I’ve had to let go because others were unaccountable. Questioning if I’m the common denominator in the failed relationships or if I just attract the wrong ones. Trying to let go of the memories of the good times because it makes the cut of betrayal so much deeper. 

Why am I always the one letting go? Why am I the one bothered by the action? Ultimately, why is there no conviction when I was wronged and should have been sought for reconciliation? That last one haunts me. 

Letting go is grieving. What was lost. What was expected. What never existed, but you thought did until the ugly truth was revealed. Letting go sometimes feels like “they got away with it.” But then we all face our own consequences for decisions we make. So there’s that. 

My grief has them in my prayers more than they know. More than I’m in theirs. I craved reconciliation for a long time. Multiple times. Now I pray for their brokenness before the same God I am broken before. I say “I let go. Help me let go. I want to let go.” I visualize letting go. 

But sometimes letting go feels like none of it mattered. And that’s not what I want either. Because it mattered. It mattered to me. And maybe that’s why the betrayal is deep and the grief is real and the letting go is hard.