Unspoken Struggles

But I know Who to turn to 

I found myself fighting back tears the other day. I had been restless and awake during the early nighttime hours with thoughts whirling. When my alarm woke me for the day, I felt a melancholy I couldn’t identify or shake. A few hours later, with no warning, I was choking up while speaking with my husband. I told him I had many things on my mind and was unsure how to articulate them. What I needed was a good cry. A cleansing cry that gets ugly and teeters between silent heartbreak and louder loss. But I was driving and could not give in to the emotion bubbling up within me. I had to swallow it down, along with the words I needed to say but couldn’t find. 

That was two days ago. I have not had that good cleansing cry yet. The thoughts keep replaying. I’m a bit closer to being able to describe what I’m feeling, but I haven’t said many of them out loud. 

I know my thoughts are not unique to me. We’re nearing the end of another calendar year and we are all - consciously or unconsciously - aware of the losses and gains over the last 12 months. I think I’m feeling the weight of the losses more this year than previous years. Not all losses are counted in physical deaths. Not all losses are even negative. But when you’re excited for circumstances to be one way and they end up another…there is grieving over the loss. 

That’s not to say that the gains have been overshadowed. I have also been unable to speak through tears of joy and pride in loved ones, and in reminiscing over years past, in receiving treasures from those who love me. It has been a blessed year. But I think there’s something about endings that require us to pause, reflect, take account. Cold dreary days invite the tears and the regrets. Grieving is done best in an overcast cloud. And I think some of the heartache comes from not knowing if the next page will bring more of the same. Until the cleansing cry happens, there’s a heaviness that wants to remind me “it might not get better right away.” Knowing that and admitting that are two different things. 

That is why I am so thankful for these verses. Romans 8:25-27 says “But if we hope for what we don’t yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” 

I am still troubled by some of my thoughts, but I am not without hope. In fact, hope increases by waiting patiently for what is not yet revealed. Which is a huge comfort because some of my thoughts revolve around my purpose here and my desire to fulfill the works the Lord has prepared for me (that are as yet unknown to me). 

What reassurances in this scripture that my inability to describe my heartache is matched with the Holy Spirit’s wordless pleas on my behalf. For the Father needs no words to see and understand my fallible mind. It is a relief that He is already in the midst of my grief even as I process it myself. 

And the truth of His word to continue the work in me in accordance to His will - that perhaps some of what I struggle to understand has been a part of His plan all along. Whether through protection or growth or choices made by me or others, He has walked with me each step and will continue to do so as He brings His plan to fulfillment. I would not choose the heartache and pain, but I trust that His hands hold me and this part of my story will be used for His glory. 

If you’re ending this year with unspoken struggles, fears, grief, regrets, or heartache, I pray you also have a chance to ugly cry. To lay down the weight of your hurt and add your moans to those the Spirit is already offering on your behalf. May you be comforted by the Word and the hand of the Father. And I pray the beginning of another year brings you renewed hope as you grow closer to Him who is Hope.

Wives

...I’m talking to you

Let me tell you a story.

Eight years ago, I was trying to sell a house. My husband had already moved three states away to start the new job that was an answer to prayer. We were geographically separated, and it was a very stressful time in every area of our lives. But the biggest stress was financial.

Our realtor suggested we install new carpet. She said it would be the key to getting an offer. My suggestion was to offer a flooring allowance so the buyer could pick what they wanted. But after two months of little interest, the realtor re-suggested that we install the carpet ourselves. 

I did not like that solution. I was supposed to be saving money, not adding debt. There was no guarantee we’d recuperate the cost of new carpet in the sale of the house. I’d have to pay extra to install around the current furniture (versus a buyer having flooring laid before they moved in). What if a buyer didn’t want carpet? What if they walked away because they wanted hardwood? What if they pulled up what I just paid for to install hardwood?! No, this was a bad idea. We needed to stay the course and wait for a buyer to be interested in the flooring allowance.

A friend asked me how the sale of the house was going. I told her about the realtor’s suggestion and all about my stress and frustration and reasons why it wouldn’t work. Then she said, “What does your husband think y’all should do?” And I said, “HA! He wants me to replace the carpet!” It was a very exhausted, sarcastic, flippant end to the conversation.

But the Holy Spirit had just let a friend spiritually smack me in the head. Because what I realized within a couple hours of that discussion was that I’d been ignoring my husband. I’d been spending all of my energy and thoughts and prayers to go against what my husband had been telling me to do. And I had to repent. To the Lord, and to my husband. 

I have an amazing husband. He forgave me and said he knew I was trying so hard to be a good steward of our finances. He knew my heart was in the right place to want to avoid new debt. But he truly felt that new carpet was the right choice, and he didn’t know how to get me to agree with him. Well, problem solved. 

We replaced the carpet. Within a week, we had an offer. A full price offer. And the buyer’s three year old little boy did somersaults all over our (their) new carpet because he’d never lived in a house with carpet before. Cue the tears! 

So wives: what does your husband think y’all should do? You need to be listening to him. 

I’m not talking about “my husband thinks we should rob a bank.” I don’t mean “my husband wants to buy a new car, but we can’t pay our rent/mortgage.” 

I’m referring to the conversations you two are having about what to do with your lives and your family and your bank account and your dreams. When you know both of you are praying, but you’re still not on the same page with your ideas. 

I’m talking about letting go of your own solutions and letting your husband lead.

I was in rebellion about installing new carpet. I didn’t mean to be. I thought I was doing the right thing. But the more I fought, the more stressed we were. As soon as I accepted my husband’s decision - and the reality of adding more debt - there was a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. In my eyes, there was no way spending $5000 would bring me relief. But it did. Because my realtor, my husband, and God all knew that if we’d change that carpet, the house (our major stress factor) would sell. I was the one refusing to listen.

Where are you not listening? Is there an area in your life where people you love and trust are telling you to take a risk, but you’re digging your heels in? Are you too busy coming up with legitimate excuses that you don’t hear the Father encouraging you to trust Him?

I am so thankful for the friend who only asked me one question: what does your husband think y’all should do? She changed everything in an instant.

Sometimes our husbands are wrong. Sometimes they lead us and we have a hard time following because we know they’re wrong. I have one of those stories too. But the beauty of my life is that ultimately, my faith isn’t in my husband. It’s in Yeshua Jesus. Even when my husband leads us down a road we shouldn’t have taken, the Lord brings us through. He brings peace and blessings from the mistakes. Even when I rebel against Him and my husband, Christ brings correction and strengthens bonds through forgiveness. 

Wives, I know submission scriptures have been abused by some churches and some husbands. But that is not the truth of the word. To submit to your husband takes the responsibility off of you and onto him. And the burden on your husband is not light. Your husband answers to the Lord for your sake. A wife who can respect her husband’s decision and encourage him and walk beside him through that decision has pleased the Lord. There is blessing in that posture! I encourage you to pray about whatever area is troubling you right now and seek your godly husband’s advice: 

“What do you think we should do?”

When Prayer Seems Wrong...

...because it's not life or death

I have a friend who shared a dilemma with me once:  she was dealing with the stress and uncertainly of changing jobs and moving, but a close family member had just learned some very serious, life-threatening news about their unborn baby.  My friend said to me, "I feel guilty praying and asking God to answer my prayers when their prayers are so much more important.  How can I possibly pray about my life when it doesn't even come close to what they're going through?"

Have you ever been there?  Prayed for a raise, or a safe trip, or a great parking space and then realized that some people are praying for healing from disease, for food to put on the table, for comfort as they just lost a loved one...I know I have.  And I have felt terrible about it. 

But what about those things we pray for that, while not life or death situations, are still real struggles for us?  Like "please don't let me lose my job;" "my child is failing in school;" "my husband and I don't agree on going to church;" "my best friend's husband is cheating on her and I don't know what to do."  Those are real struggles! 

There's a sentence we use in my family to describe this human nature - When I have a toothache, I don't care about the children in Africa.  Doesn't that about sum it up?  We know there are problems out there for other people, but we have our own trouble! 

So the question is, are we wrong to pray about our trouble when it's not as important as someone else's trouble?

The Bible says NO! We are not wrong!

         "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6

         "Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you." Psalm 55:22

         "For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayer." 1 Peter 3:12

         "And this is the confidence that we have toward Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." 1 John 5:14

What good news!  Now that doesn't mean that we should take our prayers to Him frivolously (like praying for a good grade when we know we didn't study). And it does mean that He will grant us every wish and desire just because we asked Him.  It does mean that if it's important to us, it's important to Him. 

Remember my friend?  This was my answer to her:

You have two sons.  Let's say that one of them falls off his bike and skins his knee.  He runs to you, crying and hurting.  You scoop him up, kiss his face, wipe his tears.  You get his knee cleaned up and put a bandaid on.  He cuddles with you on the sofa, starting to feel better.  Your other son comes to you and asks you to color with him.  What do you say?  "How could you ask that?  Don't you see your brother hurt himself? How selfish of you!"  No, you smile and say yes.  You know that your other son needs your attention as well and this is a need you can meet.  You know that your one son is not more special because he skinned his knee, and your other son is not less special because he only wants to color.  Both children had a need and they came to their parent to make it better.  That's what we do with God.  We go to him when we are hurting and we go to him when we are not.  He doesn't pick and choose who to love based on the need.  He doesn't tell us "How dare you" when our request isn't as serious as another.  He loves us, as a Father.

God calls Himself our Father.  In that way, He has our best interest in mind, and He wants to hear about our struggles.  He wants us to leave our burdens with Him.  And while His answer may not always be the one we hope for or expect, you can be sure that He cares about the things that are troubling you.

So take your petitions to the Lord with confidence.  He hears you and He loves you.  

All Alone

When it feels true 

 

A dear friend of mine reached out to me last week and shared that she was feeling alone.  She felt like she'd prayed but they were "hitting the ceiling" so to speak.  She shared her fears and concerns and I answered her back what was laid on my heart.  But my answer to her wasn't case specific.  I thought maybe it could apply to a lot of people.

Have you ever felt alone in your trouble?  Like no matter how hard, how loud, how heartfelt you prayed/begged/cried to The Lord, you just weren't getting a reply?  I know I have.  It's like picking up the phone and getting the answering machine:  you leave a message and then have to wait until they get back to you.  Meanwhile, you kind of need an answer to your message!

I believe it comes down to a heart issue.  We have to really know....I mean know....who God is and what He says about those alone times. 

 

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'" Hebrews 13:5

 

"Then Jesus came to them and said, 'All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.'" Matthew 28:18-20

 

Feeling alone and being alone are not the same thing. God being silent and God turning away are not the same thing. He promised to never leave you nor forsake you. He promised to be with you always, even to the end of the world.

*Leave - depart, withdraw, retire, pull out, disappear, vacate

*Forsake - abandon, desert, cast aside, renounce, disclaim, discard

*Always - every time, each time, without fail, regularly, habitually, consistently, unfailingly

*To the end - the final part, conclusion, resolution, finish; the furthest or most extreme part of something

That means: God promises not to depart and withdraw while you are in your circumstances. He will not abandon you and discard your worries. BUT He will consistently, without fail be with you, hear you, guide you, heal you. He will walk with you through EACH moment until the moment ends. And then He will keep walking with you through the next moment, and the next, and the next. It is His promise. 

 

I know the feeling of praying and getting no immediate answer.  I know the doubt that creeps in that makes you wonder if He's really out there or if He's preoccupied with someone or something more important.  And I know the truth is that I am heard every single time.  I may not get an answer right away, but I am not alone.  I am not forsaken.  I am not left to my troubles and my fears.  I am always important and always loved.

 

And so are you.

Desire and Loneliness

My husband and my God...

Early in our relationship, my husband once told me "I missed you."  I was confused because we'd been together every day for months as we dated and got to know one another.  I asked him, "When?"  His answer changed my heart forever - "Before I met you."  So a part of our friendship has always been to share with the other when we feel that life has gotten too busy and we haven't quite connected like we've needed to.  We slow down, regroup, and strengthen our bond.

When we moved, my husband's new job required that he work 2nd shift.  Years ago he worked this same shift and it was not a good fit for our family.  Now, despite the same scheduling conflicts to family time, it is a much better arrangement for us.  But it's not without its difficulties.

Lately I've found myself telling my husband more and more often "I miss you" and "I'm lonely."  Especially the lonely part.  I've got more time to myself since moving here.  I don't have the evening ladies' group or the lunch with a girlfriend like I used to.  The family dinners are reserved for weekends only.  I have a routine, but it's one of solitude.  And I'm lonely.

One day, I was in the car listening to the radio.  A song came on that I'd heard several times before.  But this time I heard one of the verses as if for the first time.

"Keep Making Me" by Sidewalk Prophets
            Make me lonely, so I can be Yours
            ‘Til I want no one, more than You, Lord
            ‘Cause in the darkness I know You will hold me
            Make me lonely

In that moment, I was stunned into silence as I pondered the implications of those words. In my mind, I know I need to seek The Lord and find comfort in Him, but in my heart I was looking to my husband to comfort me.  I know in my mind, I need to maintain my connection with God, but in my heart all I wanted was a connection with my husband.

In fact, I was reminded of scripture in Genesis 3:16b:  "your desire will be for your husband."  It was said to Eve when God was explaining the consequences of their sin in the Garden of Eden.  This phrase was actually a part of the curse of sin - a literal sentence of punishment.  The desire of a wife for her husband would be so strong that it would consume her, emotionally devastate her if it was unfulfilled, and take her focus off of her Creator.

Here I had been pining away for my husband's time, attention and affection; but what I really needed was to turn to my Father, who is the only one who can fulfill my desires and complete me when I feel I'm missing a piece of my life.  I realized that it was not only necessary for me to feel loneliness, but it was a gift.   It was a real reminder of the distance I'd allowed to creep in, separating me from my relationship with Him.  Because when I am distant from Him, I am not capable of functioning at my fullest potential.

I know a lot of women who are lonely in their marriages.  I know there are many, many reasons for that, not all of them within the control of those women.  But I would submit to you that if you will seek to fill your heart's hole with the Holy Father's affection, there will be healing.  It may not appear in the manner in which you expect - it may not repair or improve your marriage, but it will improve your relationship with your Lord.  And an improved relationship with Him, will always improve YOU.

I encourage you to listen to the full song (with lyrics) in the link above.  Make it a prayer to the Father if you find yourself in the words.  Understand that what you are feeling is a call to return to your first and greatest Love.  Acknowledge that you are in need and He will give you what you lack.  Give thanks that in His mercy, He has provided a longing within you that only He can satisfy.

Father, don't be done with me yet. 

Lord, please keep making me!