The Word on My Heart...

 ...Dichotomies 

We live in a world of dichotomies. Absolutes. You can’t be both at the same time. 

Up               Down 

Left              Right 

Stop             Go 

On                Off 

Day              Night 

Hot               Cold 

Young           Old 

Employed     Unemployed 

Married         Not married 

Mine             Not mine 

Right now I find myself living in a grey area of two absolutes. Waiting on information that will tell me what to expect next. I find myself praying, begging, for the best case scenario. The best case for me. And while I’m seeking and trusting, I keep coming back to two different stories in the Bible. 

The first is from 2 Samuel 12:16-22. David has murdered a man, taken his wife, and now his child from that adultery is ill. “David pleaded with God for the child…..The Lord may be gracious to me.” Despite facing dire consequences that David brought on himself, he took his faith to God. And when the child died, David accepted the will of God. 

The other is found in Luke 11:5-8. Jesus tells the story of a man who needs bread for guests. It’s the middle of the night and he goes to ask his friend. The friend is in bed and doesn’t want to be disturbed. However, “because he is his friend, yet because of his persistence he will rise and give him as many as he needs.” 

This is my dichotomy. Pleading and knowing I will have to accept the will of God AND knowing His love for me as He allows my persistence. Because verse 10 goes on to say “For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.” 

Not because of our sin and consequences. Not because our pleading wears Him down. But because His mercy and goodness is weighed with love. And I will choose to worship Him, not because He gives me what I want or think is best. But because He is the creator and I am the created. His ways are eternal. I am a vapor. He is worthy to be praised whether I walk as David or walk as the neighbor. I choose His will even if it breaks my heart.

Unspoken Struggles

But I know Who to turn to 

I found myself fighting back tears the other day. I had been restless and awake during the early nighttime hours with thoughts whirling. When my alarm woke me for the day, I felt a melancholy I couldn’t identify or shake. A few hours later, with no warning, I was choking up while speaking with my husband. I told him I had many things on my mind and was unsure how to articulate them. What I needed was a good cry. A cleansing cry that gets ugly and teeters between silent heartbreak and louder loss. But I was driving and could not give in to the emotion bubbling up within me. I had to swallow it down, along with the words I needed to say but couldn’t find. 

That was two days ago. I have not had that good cleansing cry yet. The thoughts keep replaying. I’m a bit closer to being able to describe what I’m feeling, but I haven’t said many of them out loud. 

I know my thoughts are not unique to me. We’re nearing the end of another calendar year and we are all - consciously or unconsciously - aware of the losses and gains over the last 12 months. I think I’m feeling the weight of the losses more this year than previous years. Not all losses are counted in physical deaths. Not all losses are even negative. But when you’re excited for circumstances to be one way and they end up another…there is grieving over the loss. 

That’s not to say that the gains have been overshadowed. I have also been unable to speak through tears of joy and pride in loved ones, and in reminiscing over years past, in receiving treasures from those who love me. It has been a blessed year. But I think there’s something about endings that require us to pause, reflect, take account. Cold dreary days invite the tears and the regrets. Grieving is done best in an overcast cloud. And I think some of the heartache comes from not knowing if the next page will bring more of the same. Until the cleansing cry happens, there’s a heaviness that wants to remind me “it might not get better right away.” Knowing that and admitting that are two different things. 

That is why I am so thankful for these verses. Romans 8:25-27 says “But if we hope for what we don’t yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” 

I am still troubled by some of my thoughts, but I am not without hope. In fact, hope increases by waiting patiently for what is not yet revealed. Which is a huge comfort because some of my thoughts revolve around my purpose here and my desire to fulfill the works the Lord has prepared for me (that are as yet unknown to me). 

What reassurances in this scripture that my inability to describe my heartache is matched with the Holy Spirit’s wordless pleas on my behalf. For the Father needs no words to see and understand my fallible mind. It is a relief that He is already in the midst of my grief even as I process it myself. 

And the truth of His word to continue the work in me in accordance to His will - that perhaps some of what I struggle to understand has been a part of His plan all along. Whether through protection or growth or choices made by me or others, He has walked with me each step and will continue to do so as He brings His plan to fulfillment. I would not choose the heartache and pain, but I trust that His hands hold me and this part of my story will be used for His glory. 

If you’re ending this year with unspoken struggles, fears, grief, regrets, or heartache, I pray you also have a chance to ugly cry. To lay down the weight of your hurt and add your moans to those the Spirit is already offering on your behalf. May you be comforted by the Word and the hand of the Father. And I pray the beginning of another year brings you renewed hope as you grow closer to Him who is Hope.

Why Do We Experience Heartache and Pain?

Because your purpose is in your pain

Those tough things, those things that leave a mark, those experiences you think won't end or you won't survive...*that* becomes your purpose. That scary, dark, painful, life changing situation is what God uses to create something beautiful. He uses tragedy and heartbreak and mistakes in our lives to bring healing, hope, and love into the lives of others. He doesn't make us go through it, but whether by our own choices or someone else's, He *allows* us to go through it. Because there's purpose IN the pain. Your purpose reveals itself through the pain. 

If you're going through pain/loneliness/addiction/trial/darkness right now, it feels hopeless. But there is a purpose for you, for your pain! Find someone who has walked your road and let them build you up. Because someday, you're going to be strong enough to help someone else who feels just like you do right now. Don't embrace the pain - learn from it. There are others who are waiting for you because they need you! 

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people." Genesis 50:20

Soul Searching

 And still struggling

Do you ever just find yourself in a season of “what’s wrong with me?” When you think you’re doing all the right things and yet there’s no success? I feel like my season has been extra long. The daylight’s saving time of extra - but in darkness instead of light. The efforts feel wasted with no product to show for them. I’m sowing in good soil, I’m just not seeing fruit. I’ve always laughed at my black thumb when it comes to plants. I’ve often said I’m a hospice to anything potted. I’ll do all I know to do, but in the end, my good intentions still fail, and I’m left with a pitiful, dead mess. Even if I change the types of plants, don’t overdo the sunshine or water, it doesn’t make a difference. Only now I’m catching myself drawing a parallel between my failures at plant keeping and my failures at sowing things around me. Good soil, good intentions, still failure. Why is that? What’s wrong with me? 

🥀Am I too much? 

🥀Not enough? 

🥀Too loud? 

🥀Too cautious? 

🥀Too old? 

🥀Too young? 

🥀Too available? 

🥀Too easily forgotten? 

 My pain is caught in that last one. Do I leave a room and it’s as if I was never in it? Or do I leave a room and they breathe a sign of relief? I’m not sure which is worse. They both would leave a deep wound. 

 🪴People are busy. 

🪴They have different interests. 

🪴They are in their own season. 

🪴Their needs are already being met.

But my soul searching simply brings me to the same conclusion: I’m the common denominator. Trying different things with different circles brings the same results. So what’s wrong with me? I don’t have any answers. I wish I did. Suggestions and advice on what I’m doing to sabotage every effort would be helpful. But I lack that too. And many will be quick to say “there’s nothing wrong with you!” But I can’t believe that. I should be drawing something good to me, even if it’s small. If I repel everything, that’s a problem. There’s a hard truth here somewhere. Someone holds the key. I’d like to unlock the secret so I can make the necessary changes to whatever is wrong. It’s a strange place to be in: wanting to do better, but not knowing what to adjust. I’m sure I’m not alone. I’m sure others shed tears in private, questioning their worth and likability. Ironically, we’re not often finding one another, despite our ability to understand and build each other up. Or perhaps we do find each other and don’t know it. Maybe we’re too good at hiding the loneliness and insecurity so we don’t recognize one another. 

☀️ And there’s the ray of light in this moment: that in my vulnerability, I will speak to someone else in their extra long season of (fill in the blank) and show them I’m here. That despite my own doubts and failures, I’ll raise my hand so you can find me. So that I can reach for your hand and offer a quiet hug of understanding and whisper “there’s nothing wrong with us; but if there is, let’s help each other fix it.”

The End Is Near...

But then again...

Today I drove by a funeral home that was being utilized. It got me to thinking about the friends and family gathered inside, celebrating the life of their loved one, mourning the hole left behind with their passing. I wondered how many of those people were gathered because they'd been touched by the person now gone.  The lives changed for good. The accomplishments and accolades shared about that person.  The legacy he or she was leaving.  Mourning the moments that were the last ones, not knowing they were the last.  Conversations, confessions, "I love you" left unsaid.

I wondered about the person in the casket. Who had they influenced?  What and who did they invest their time in? Will others change and behave differently because of this man or woman's actions? Would they be surprised at the things mentioned as their achievements or would they agree? Did they take their last breathe with relief or regret?  How many "I'm sorrys" or "I forgive yous" did they intend to say, but didn't?

The chapter closed whether they and their loved ones were ready or not.

The symbolism of this funeral taking place on the last day of the year did not escape me.

At first glance, it seems to be an erroneous comparison.  The end of the year has nothing in common with the end of a life.  The two are far too different to even attempt to equate them.  But I think there are some very close similarities.

Some people are celebrating the last 365 days.  They set goals and reached them.  They dreamed dreams that became realities.  They reconciled relationships, responsibilities, and bank accounts.  There were even unexpected surprises along the way - trips, babies, marriages, graduations, new houses. They are surrounded by people who praise them and love them.  They had more good days that bad days.  They are closing this chapter with satisfaction and excitement for tomorrow.

Others are reviewing their last 365 days with mixed emotions.  Perhaps a few things panned out, but only because they struggled to make it happen.  Maybe there were some successes, but there were more unexpected and unwelcome surprises that derailed their best intentions.  They look back at the goals they set and failed to meet.  They still have unfulfilled dreams they're carrying into another January.  The people in their lives love them, but aren't as reliable as they need them to be.  There are moments of mourning the "shoulda coulda woulda" opportunities missed.

And then there are those who are looking back at the last 365 days with distress.  Regrets abound.  Regrets in choices, relationships, purchases.  Regrets at the things they had control over, but couldn't maintain motivation for.  Addiction, abuse, and abandonment seem to be the norm.  As much as they try to drum up hope that things will change, they secretly believe it never will.  These people aren't sure that the next 365 will be any different, and certainly not better, than the last 365.  For them, they can't wait for tonight to end a year that felt like a slow death.  More than mourning, they grieve.  They feel out of control and unsteady when faced with the past behind them and a scary future in front of them.

So the end of the year does appear to be a bit similar to a death:  you can't turn back time; you can't change the outcome; you can't know what tomorrow is going to look like, but you know it will be different because something else has ended.

If you are someone who is anxious and concerned over the prospect of another hard or unfulfilling year, look for those who can help you.  There is no shame in the tears.  There is no shame in needing time alone. And there is no shame in asking for help.  Don't let the fear of the past rob you of another chance at your goals and dreams.  Don't let the end of a year dictate the end of your efforts.  I know it can be very hard, but you are stronger than you realize.  You are loved.  You are wanted.  You are needed.

If your new year holds excitement for you, take a moment to see if there is someone near you who may be mourning or grieving this time of year.  You may be the type of person they need to hold onto for some encouragement.  Or you may be the person they avoid because nothing "bad" ever seems to happen to you and they think you can't relate to them.  Be sensitive.  Be honest.  Share your story with someone who maybe needs a shoulder to cry on as they face tomorrow and the coming days.  And look for those who many be too far into the grief to ask for help.  Too many people think the end of something has to mean the end of them.  We must be the help they need.

Feeling Less Than

Certainly Not Equal To

I've been quiet lately.  There's been some stuff going on.  Not relationship/crisis/illness stuff.  Personal, introspective, emotional stuff.  Self-worth and value stuff.  Feeling less than stuff.

Can anyone relate?

I'm usually a very optimistic person.  I find the silver lining. I look for the good.  I'm also a realist, but I want to be encouraging even during the bad and ugly times.  But when the bad or ugly finds its way into my own heart, staying positive becomes a challenge.  It's not something I like admitting, much less revealing to others, but in the hope that someone else will find solace, I'm putting it out here.

So let's get real.  Real ugly, but real.

In no particular order, this is where I'm at:

             *My weight is up.  I was down 32lbs two years ago.  Six months of moving issues and all that entails and I gained some of it back.  I lost 16 of it again last year, but the gym failed to uphold their end of the contract and long story short, I left.  Add to this the other things on the list and I'm back where I started two years ago.  It's disgusting.

             *I am a failure at being a household engineer.  My strengths do no lie in cleaning.  I can do it, I'm just not motivated.  My house is usually good enough that someone could come to the door. But not right now.  Now we'd have to scramble to get the place acceptable enough to answer.  And while I can cook/bake, I don't enjoy it.  Because my husband works an odd shift, I've been able to use that as an excuse not to make dinner.  Fortunately my daughter enjoys cooking.  Otherwise, it's just night after night of "get it yourself."  It's horrible of me.

             *This seems a good point to admit that I'm a loser at the parenting thing.  My girls are teenagers so they don't require me to meet every need they have.  They can bathe themselves and feed themselves (as I've established) and entertain themselves.  They don't want me around all the time and that's normal.  But I've let that slip into an easy routine of "they don't need me."  Mentally I know that there's a difference between wanting me and needing me, but I'm not doing anything to engage them.  It's inexcusable.

             *On top of being extremely lazy in every area of life, I'm lonely.  It would be one thing to say that I'm ignoring my other responsibilities because I'm too busy being social (whether it's doing good or bad).  However, I'm not even able to say that.  I have my errands and my appointments (I do buy the groceries I don't cook and get us to the doctor when necessary); but most of my days are spent wishing I had a social life.  I do get together one day a week with a group of ladies from church for a study.  And I have lunch with a friend every few months.  And I've got a dinner with a group of friends that I go to every 8-12 weeks.  So that's something.  But on a daily basis, I'm just lonely.  It's beyond boredom.  It's the desire to reach others, do good, feel heard and understood the same way I'm trying to hear and understand.  It's the true intimacy you gain by being real and vulnerable with others.  That's missing.  And it's painful.

             *To add insult to injury, I'm pathetic at long distance.  I've let my family and friends fall to the side.  I'm here complaining about being lonely, but I make little to no effort to keep in touch with those in my life who already matter.  Text allows for a good cover up - send a few lines and it looks like I'm keeping in touch.  But a true, heartfelt connection?  I've let the distance in miles create a distance in the heart.  I didn't mean to.  It just sort of happened.  But how can I complain about being lonely when I have a support system already built in that I'm ignoring?  It's heartbreaking.

             *The culmination of all these things - things that bother me individually, but some days two or more will weight heavy on me - leads me to a feeling of utter worthlessness.  I get the internal dialogue going with perfect accusations of "You're ugly, you have no purpose, you have nothing to offer your family or anyone else."  And while some days I can silence the voice and see the lies for what they are, there are other days when they sound so much like the truth that I can't find a way to believe anything else about myself.  And it's scary.

So that's where I've been lately.  Is there anyone who can identify with me?  I feel alone in this, but I'm surely not.

During a tough day several weeks ago, I cried and cried and cried.  I cried out to the Lord to show me what it feels like to be loved because I was just not feeling it.  Not from anyone else and certainly not from myself.  I needed Him to step in and say something that would show me some love. 

And you know what happened?  He did!

As I lay in my bed, crying the ugly cry (but silently because I didn't want my husband to know how hurt and damaged I was feeling), I longed for my God to come close.  I asked Him to love me.  And in my heart, I heard Him say, "I have loved you with an everlasting love."  Just like that.  That one sentence.  And do you know it changed my heart in an instant!  To be reminded that I've been loved throughout all time, all creation; before I existed and after I'm gone, I've been loved.  I was suddenly crying with relief and love and gratitude.  That my Father in Heaven would hear me and care enough to show me He loves me in that moment was so powerful.  I was able to fall asleep and find rest after that.

Unfortunately, I found myself in a much worse state of mind this past weekend.  Feelings of unworthiness were compounded by my perceived failures as a human being.  I couldn't think of one thing of value that I had to offer or contribute to anyone that someone else couldn't also offer.  Anyone else could fill my shoes and they would certainly do it better than I ever could or would.  I was deep into self-pity and pretty close to self-loathing.  I was a mess. 

I talked to no one about my feelings.  I felt that they either wouldn't understand or wouldn't care.  So I just stayed to myself and cried.  It was the ugly cry again, but it was somehow worse because my prayers didn't come quite so easily.  I did pray, but they were short and to the point:  God, help me!  Over and over, GOD, HELP ME!

I couldn't help myself out of my stupor and I knew it.  And it was miserable.

Later in the day, my husband was able to talk to me about a few things.  And while those things were not the terribly troubling things on my heart, his conversation and his love were a balm to my soul.  I accepted what I could and tried to believe the truth of his words and love.

But I did have a breakthrough. 

It came late Sunday afternoon.  I was cleaning up around the house (shocking, I know, after I admitted how horrible I am at it) and I heard a phrase from the TV:  "who is against you."  It was just a line from a character on some movie, but it struck me:  Who is against me?  The enemy, the devil, Satan himself is against me!  He comes to steal, kill, and destroy!  He steals my optimism, he kills my joy, he destroys my self-esteem.  And he's not satisfied until he has me defeated, crying the ugly cry, not believing anything good about myself.  I realized right then that he'd been coming at me for a while.

But the neat part, the God part, was what came next.  My heart asked me "who is for me?" 

Anyone???

"If God is for us, who can be against us?"  

Romans 8:31

Suddenly there were burdens being lifted from my heart!  I could hear Him telling me, "If I am for you, who can be against you?  No one!  Not the devil, not your neighbor, not even yourself.  You cannot be against yourself, for I AM FOR YOU."

Oh my great and glorious Father!  What a wonderful, healing, loving reminder to my hurt heart.  When my mind had created in me the belief that I am of no value, no worth, my Creator Father came close to gently and loudly tell my heart that I have great value and great worth because HE SAYS SO. 

Too many times we find ourselves caught in this cycle of repeat - I failed at that, I have no worth, why try again, I failed again, why try, I have no worth.  And while we are listening to the reel play over and over, we miss or ignore anyone in our lives who are telling us anything else.  We are somehow convinced that no one is on our side, no one understands, and no one cares.  But God is in the background, longing to be called over long enough for us to hear Him say, "I am for you!  I'm on your side!  You are the greatest thing in My creation!"  If only we would call Him over sooner so our hearts could be touched.

I'm not totally free from my heartaches.  I am still praying for bonds to be broken as I want to live free from the chains of these lies.  I know there are things I can and must do for myself to change my circumstances.  But the Lord is so faithful to stay close to me and remind me that I am worth making those changes for.  I am valuable enough to invest the time and energy into myself to see those changes take place.  

My progress will not be overnight, but I will make progress.  I will look at my list and do something toward correcting each one of these things each day.  Some days I will have better success than others, but I will not fail.  

Because my God is for me, even I cannot be against me.








I hope that my raw vulnerability and subsequent moments of God's hope will touch someone who needs it.  If there is a reader out there who is walking this dark, lonesome road, know that you are not alone!  It feels that way, but that's not the truth.  There are those of us who know what it's like to feel like a failure at every little thing.  Your Father says He is for you!  See the enemy in that dark place and know that he is the one encouraging you to stay there.  Cry out to the Lord and He will answer!  Because He is for you, no devil, no enemy, not even yourself can be against you.