Feeling Less Than

Certainly Not Equal To

I've been quiet lately.  There's been some stuff going on.  Not relationship/crisis/illness stuff.  Personal, introspective, emotional stuff.  Self-worth and value stuff.  Feeling less than stuff.

Can anyone relate?

I'm usually a very optimistic person.  I find the silver lining. I look for the good.  I'm also a realist, but I want to be encouraging even during the bad and ugly times.  But when the bad or ugly finds its way into my own heart, staying positive becomes a challenge.  It's not something I like admitting, much less revealing to others, but in the hope that someone else will find solace, I'm putting it out here.

So let's get real.  Real ugly, but real.

In no particular order, this is where I'm at:

             *My weight is up.  I was down 32lbs two years ago.  Six months of moving issues and all that entails and I gained some of it back.  I lost 16 of it again last year, but the gym failed to uphold their end of the contract and long story short, I left.  Add to this the other things on the list and I'm back where I started two years ago.  It's disgusting.

             *I am a failure at being a household engineer.  My strengths do no lie in cleaning.  I can do it, I'm just not motivated.  My house is usually good enough that someone could come to the door. But not right now.  Now we'd have to scramble to get the place acceptable enough to answer.  And while I can cook/bake, I don't enjoy it.  Because my husband works an odd shift, I've been able to use that as an excuse not to make dinner.  Fortunately my daughter enjoys cooking.  Otherwise, it's just night after night of "get it yourself."  It's horrible of me.

             *This seems a good point to admit that I'm a loser at the parenting thing.  My girls are teenagers so they don't require me to meet every need they have.  They can bathe themselves and feed themselves (as I've established) and entertain themselves.  They don't want me around all the time and that's normal.  But I've let that slip into an easy routine of "they don't need me."  Mentally I know that there's a difference between wanting me and needing me, but I'm not doing anything to engage them.  It's inexcusable.

             *On top of being extremely lazy in every area of life, I'm lonely.  It would be one thing to say that I'm ignoring my other responsibilities because I'm too busy being social (whether it's doing good or bad).  However, I'm not even able to say that.  I have my errands and my appointments (I do buy the groceries I don't cook and get us to the doctor when necessary); but most of my days are spent wishing I had a social life.  I do get together one day a week with a group of ladies from church for a study.  And I have lunch with a friend every few months.  And I've got a dinner with a group of friends that I go to every 8-12 weeks.  So that's something.  But on a daily basis, I'm just lonely.  It's beyond boredom.  It's the desire to reach others, do good, feel heard and understood the same way I'm trying to hear and understand.  It's the true intimacy you gain by being real and vulnerable with others.  That's missing.  And it's painful.

             *To add insult to injury, I'm pathetic at long distance.  I've let my family and friends fall to the side.  I'm here complaining about being lonely, but I make little to no effort to keep in touch with those in my life who already matter.  Text allows for a good cover up - send a few lines and it looks like I'm keeping in touch.  But a true, heartfelt connection?  I've let the distance in miles create a distance in the heart.  I didn't mean to.  It just sort of happened.  But how can I complain about being lonely when I have a support system already built in that I'm ignoring?  It's heartbreaking.

             *The culmination of all these things - things that bother me individually, but some days two or more will weight heavy on me - leads me to a feeling of utter worthlessness.  I get the internal dialogue going with perfect accusations of "You're ugly, you have no purpose, you have nothing to offer your family or anyone else."  And while some days I can silence the voice and see the lies for what they are, there are other days when they sound so much like the truth that I can't find a way to believe anything else about myself.  And it's scary.

So that's where I've been lately.  Is there anyone who can identify with me?  I feel alone in this, but I'm surely not.

During a tough day several weeks ago, I cried and cried and cried.  I cried out to the Lord to show me what it feels like to be loved because I was just not feeling it.  Not from anyone else and certainly not from myself.  I needed Him to step in and say something that would show me some love. 

And you know what happened?  He did!

As I lay in my bed, crying the ugly cry (but silently because I didn't want my husband to know how hurt and damaged I was feeling), I longed for my God to come close.  I asked Him to love me.  And in my heart, I heard Him say, "I have loved you with an everlasting love."  Just like that.  That one sentence.  And do you know it changed my heart in an instant!  To be reminded that I've been loved throughout all time, all creation; before I existed and after I'm gone, I've been loved.  I was suddenly crying with relief and love and gratitude.  That my Father in Heaven would hear me and care enough to show me He loves me in that moment was so powerful.  I was able to fall asleep and find rest after that.

Unfortunately, I found myself in a much worse state of mind this past weekend.  Feelings of unworthiness were compounded by my perceived failures as a human being.  I couldn't think of one thing of value that I had to offer or contribute to anyone that someone else couldn't also offer.  Anyone else could fill my shoes and they would certainly do it better than I ever could or would.  I was deep into self-pity and pretty close to self-loathing.  I was a mess. 

I talked to no one about my feelings.  I felt that they either wouldn't understand or wouldn't care.  So I just stayed to myself and cried.  It was the ugly cry again, but it was somehow worse because my prayers didn't come quite so easily.  I did pray, but they were short and to the point:  God, help me!  Over and over, GOD, HELP ME!

I couldn't help myself out of my stupor and I knew it.  And it was miserable.

Later in the day, my husband was able to talk to me about a few things.  And while those things were not the terribly troubling things on my heart, his conversation and his love were a balm to my soul.  I accepted what I could and tried to believe the truth of his words and love.

But I did have a breakthrough. 

It came late Sunday afternoon.  I was cleaning up around the house (shocking, I know, after I admitted how horrible I am at it) and I heard a phrase from the TV:  "who is against you."  It was just a line from a character on some movie, but it struck me:  Who is against me?  The enemy, the devil, Satan himself is against me!  He comes to steal, kill, and destroy!  He steals my optimism, he kills my joy, he destroys my self-esteem.  And he's not satisfied until he has me defeated, crying the ugly cry, not believing anything good about myself.  I realized right then that he'd been coming at me for a while.

But the neat part, the God part, was what came next.  My heart asked me "who is for me?" 

Anyone???

"If God is for us, who can be against us?"  

Romans 8:31

Suddenly there were burdens being lifted from my heart!  I could hear Him telling me, "If I am for you, who can be against you?  No one!  Not the devil, not your neighbor, not even yourself.  You cannot be against yourself, for I AM FOR YOU."

Oh my great and glorious Father!  What a wonderful, healing, loving reminder to my hurt heart.  When my mind had created in me the belief that I am of no value, no worth, my Creator Father came close to gently and loudly tell my heart that I have great value and great worth because HE SAYS SO. 

Too many times we find ourselves caught in this cycle of repeat - I failed at that, I have no worth, why try again, I failed again, why try, I have no worth.  And while we are listening to the reel play over and over, we miss or ignore anyone in our lives who are telling us anything else.  We are somehow convinced that no one is on our side, no one understands, and no one cares.  But God is in the background, longing to be called over long enough for us to hear Him say, "I am for you!  I'm on your side!  You are the greatest thing in My creation!"  If only we would call Him over sooner so our hearts could be touched.

I'm not totally free from my heartaches.  I am still praying for bonds to be broken as I want to live free from the chains of these lies.  I know there are things I can and must do for myself to change my circumstances.  But the Lord is so faithful to stay close to me and remind me that I am worth making those changes for.  I am valuable enough to invest the time and energy into myself to see those changes take place.  

My progress will not be overnight, but I will make progress.  I will look at my list and do something toward correcting each one of these things each day.  Some days I will have better success than others, but I will not fail.  

Because my God is for me, even I cannot be against me.








I hope that my raw vulnerability and subsequent moments of God's hope will touch someone who needs it.  If there is a reader out there who is walking this dark, lonesome road, know that you are not alone!  It feels that way, but that's not the truth.  There are those of us who know what it's like to feel like a failure at every little thing.  Your Father says He is for you!  See the enemy in that dark place and know that he is the one encouraging you to stay there.  Cry out to the Lord and He will answer!  Because He is for you, no devil, no enemy, not even yourself can be against you.