Filling Their Cup

 In every relationship

While these photos depict a romantic partner relationship (and I’m so thankful for a husband who does this for me), I do not think it’s limited to a spouse/significant other situation. When we are hurting, reclusive, confused, insecure, or spent, we need those who will seek us out to not only check on us, but to pursue connection toward filling the emptiness. I hope each of you have at least one person in your life who enters into the uncomfortable with you. I hope you let them. I hope you do this for others in your life.

 

Letting Go

After forgiveness 

The phrase “letting go” has rolled around my head and my heart all week. Having forgiven, but remembering the pain. The injustice. The shock. The unfairness. The gossip. The apologies I deserved and will never get. How much I’ve had to let go because others were unaccountable. Questioning if I’m the common denominator in the failed relationships or if I just attract the wrong ones. Trying to let go of the memories of the good times because it makes the cut of betrayal so much deeper. 

Why am I always the one letting go? Why am I the one bothered by the action? Ultimately, why is there no conviction when I was wronged and should have been sought for reconciliation? That last one haunts me. 

Letting go is grieving. What was lost. What was expected. What never existed, but you thought did until the ugly truth was revealed. Letting go sometimes feels like “they got away with it.” But then we all face our own consequences for decisions we make. So there’s that. 

My grief has them in my prayers more than they know. More than I’m in theirs. I craved reconciliation for a long time. Multiple times. Now I pray for their brokenness before the same God I am broken before. I say “I let go. Help me let go. I want to let go.” I visualize letting go. 

But sometimes letting go feels like none of it mattered. And that’s not what I want either. Because it mattered. It mattered to me. And maybe that’s why the betrayal is deep and the grief is real and the letting go is hard.

Aren't We a Cute Couple?

But there's more... 

A quick glance at this photo and you’ll see a couple who is having a good time. And you’d be right. But there’s more. 

He had just told me something funny and I was trying my hardest to look poised and not wide-mouth cackle. But what he said also made me blush. So I looked down. And he’s proud of himself because he likes to get these reactions from me. But there’s more. 

 My arms are at his head and his shoulder. I’m connected to his leadership and his strength. His arms are at my waist. He’s connected to me at my core. Yet we’re not pressed together. We are touching with trust and the ability to move independently; not forcing each other to move a certain way, but moving together by choice. But there’s more. 

My eyes are closed. But his aren’t. My head is down. But his isn’t. 

He’s noticing me. He’s watching me. He’s watching out *for* me. I can’t see what’s behind me, but he can. He’ll see what’s coming. And he’s shielding me from anything that comes toward me. Whatever comes for me will have to go through him first. 

 I wasn’t thinking of any of those things when this photo was taken (except maybe to not wide-mouth cackle). But I see all of it every time I look at this picture. It’s one moment in our life that encapsulates our entire marriage. I don’t always see it in the day-to-day struggles and stresses. But I’m so thankful for this visual reminder of the blessing my husband is to me.

Hey, Couples!

I’m talking to you! 

Think honestly about your relationship over the last six months. Your time spent together (or apart). Your conversations. Your affection. Your tone of voice. Your volume of voice. 

Based on how you’ve interacted during this time, would you want to be in a relationship with the other person if you were still dating and not married? 

❓Would you say yes if he asked you out based on his behavior over the last six months? 

❓Would you ask her out based on her behavior over the last six months? 

I’m not talking about a bad day or bad news or under the weather or some sleepless nights. I’m talking about consistent patterns of respect/disrespect; thoughtful conversations/silent treatment; simple gestures of affection/avoiding intimacy; words and tone of love and kindness/words and tone of impatience and indifference; apologies and forgiveness/score keeping and bitterness. 

❤️‍🩹Are you the kind of person your spouse would want to be in a relationship with if they met you within the last six months?

Marriage is more than deciding you won’t get a divorce. Just because you follow the Bible and know you have to stick it out doesn’t mean becoming roommates is the solution. And as much as you might have real problems with your spouse’s behavior, you have to be willing to make your own first steps toward healing the friendship. 

👫The friendship. Not the relationship. 

Too many times, we forget that our spouse started off as being the one person we wanted to spend the most time with, share our secrets and dreams with, laugh and make memories with. We didn’t start out sharing bills and burdens and babies - we started as friends. 

🚫So think of your friends now. Would they still invite you if you spoke to them the way you speak to your spouse? Would they want to trust you with their hurts and fears if you handled them carelessly? Would they trust you to have their back if every interaction included disrespect? No healthy friendship keeps that kind of toxicity around. And a marriage is by far the most important friendship you’ll ever have. 

You must cultivate your spousal friendship as you would any other. Appreciation, understanding, accountability, loyalty, honesty, respect, commitment…fun, humor, memory making… 

Building a home and a family is exhausting. The days are long, the nights are short. The bills from collectors are higher than the bills from your wallet. And yet, you are supposed to be on the same team. Facing the difficulties of life shoulder to shoulder rather than facing off against one another. Your spouse should be your partner instead of another problem. 

💪🏻Wives, respect your husbands. In his mind, love equals respect. Build him up. Genuinely compliment him. Find *something* he is doing well and praise him for it. Thank him for his sacrifice to miss out on time with the family as he provides. Set an example in front of the children. Do not let them disrespect him. Encourage them to love him through their obedience and their kindness. 

🛟Husbands, love your wives. In her mind, feeling safe is a large aspect of feeling loved. Protect her from feeling she has to compete for your attention. Show her that you are trying to make the wisest decisions for the family. Tell her of your appreciation for her in all she does to care for the home and the family. Recognize that she feels the work of her hands may not be as significant as the work you do, but you see her and you acknowledge her sacrifice. 

🗣️Speak kindly. 

💯Apologize when necessary. 

🫂Seek affection. 

💋Embrace intimacy. 

💬Talk about things other than responsibilities. 

🥸Laugh together. 

💧Cry together. 

🙏🏼Pray together. 

 Rediscover that incredible friend in one another that you have been ignoring and tell them you’ve missed them. Your marriage needs them. 👰🏼🤵🏻‍♂️

No Condemnation

But there is love 

I have lost track of the number of people who have stopped talking to me over my life. Friends, family members - both believers and unbelievers. Whether it’s from shame, embarrassment, maybe it’s fear of judgment. I don’t know. Most of the time I’ve never been given the opportunity to ask why I’ve been rejected and ignored after loving them. The Bible says “there is no condemnation in Christ.” As a follower of Him, there’s an element of that verse that applies to me too. It is not my job to condemn or shame or berate or in anyway make another person feel less than simply because we don’t agree on any given topic or choice. It is my job to love. The truth is that sometimes love includes correction and correction can be uncomfortable. Sometimes hearing hard truths can feel like judgment. But I think if people who have so easily been able to ignore me would search their memories and reflect on all the times that I listened or advised or helped, maybe they would see that my motive has always been love. My heart has never been to be estranged from anyone that I’ve loved.

Unfortunately, it’s not up to me to force the relationship if the other person doesn’t want one. Ironically, it’s the same thing with the Lord. He doesn’t force a relationship with us. But how His heart must hurt from the rejection and being ignored when all He’s ever done is love and offer no condemnation.

Crying for Help

 ...and not seeing any... 

Have you ever been in a situation that seemed over your head?  No matter what solutions you tried, you simply couldn't make the circumstances better (or go away).  And when you asked for help, it appeared no one cared and just wanted you to figure it out for yourself?  What if who you were asking for help was...God?  And He didn't seem to be answering?

Several years ago, as a young adult fresh out of high school, one of our daughters had a stalker.  He would drive by our house, he'd call her phone and send texts, he's show up in places he shouldn't have known she would be.  The police said that without an incident or a restraining order, there was nothing they could do.  

One of the stalker's favorite things was to show up at her job and simply hang out "as a customer."  He would go in every day.  If she wasn't working, he would ask for her schedule so he'd know exactly when he needed to show up again.  Despite our daughter going to her management, this man continued to show up at work and ask her coworkers about her.  Even I tried speaking to the managers to express how they were failing to protect her and her privacy. We were told that as long as he was a customer and he wasn't doing anything to interfere with her job, he couldn't be stopped.  However, they did tell the department not to give out her schedule.

This went on for months.  The process to get a restraining order is long and full of red tape. Because he hadn't (yet) proven to be a physical threat, it would be hard to get a judge to order one.  So this guy got to follow her around and harass her just because he could.  Our daughter was anxious, upset, and dreaded going to work on a daily basis.

It happened one afternoon that my husband had an appointment and said he'd like to take her work since it was on his way.  They enjoyed a nice chat until they pulled into the parking lot of her job and she saw the stalker just getting out of his truck.  Immediately she was near tears as she said, "He's here before I even walk in!  I can't get away from him!" Her father had listened to her try to do all the right things for weeks with no results.  And he'd had enough. 

He told her to "go ahead inside, I'm right behind you."

What she heard was "go ahead inside."

Heartbroken and scared, she got out of the vehicle and walked into her job, never noticing that her father got out and followed her in.  His eye was on her the entire time.  She went straight to her department to clock in.  Her father followed.  And found her stalker standing just feet away from where his daughter would be working in just a few moments.

Knowing his name and his ambitions for the military, my husband struck up a friendly conversation.  The guy had no idea what was about to take place.  He smiled at my husband and answered a few questions.  Then he asked how my husband knew his name.  "Oh, that's because I'm xxxxx's dad."  You could have heard a pin drop.  Our daughter's coworkers were watching it all play out in real time - the smile fade, the nervous look around, the sizing up of what this father was now going to do.  And my husband, the father of my children, told this guy that if he wanted to pursue a career in the military, he'd need to make different choices.  Better choices.  Because an arrest for stalking wouldn't be looked upon with favor if he decided to enlist.  My husband made no threats.  He didn't touch him.  He didn't even raise his voice. He simply stated that he would use whatever legal recourse available to him to protect his daughter if the man would not stop harassing her.  And then my husband walked away.  But not before going to speak to our daughter's management.  He reminded them that it was their job to protect their employees and that meant not allowing anyone to harass, follow, or upset them to the point of feeling unsafe at work.  He also reminded them that they can refuse service to any "customer" at any time and ban this guy from the store.  But that no matter what they decided, he would make sure that his daughter felt safe wherever it was she decided to work. And then he left for his appointment.

What she had tried to fix for months, her father handled in ten minutes.

I think sometimes God works that way.  We try so hard to solve our problems.  Sometimes they're problems we've created so we think we have to fix them.  Other times the problem is because of someone else and we think we have to regain control.  And even when we get to a point where we pray and cry and seek God because "I don't know how to fix this!" we don't always get that warm feeling that He's waved His hand and made it all disappear. 

We tell Him our problem and He says “go ahead, move forward. Do what you’re supposed to.” And we think “what?! How am I supposed to solve this? You said come to You and now You’re telling me to just go about my business?”

Yet He’s right behind us, bringing up the rear, re-enforcement we don’t even realize. He is the solution, He is handling what He knows we cannot. But we’re too stressed and worried to notice Him. 

Our daughter still talks about the day her dad confronted her stalker.  She still tells the story from her perspective, that she "didn't know he got out of the car.  I just remember thinking, ok, I have to go in here alone because Dad has to go.  I didn't know he followed me in.  But I'm so glad he did!"

That day showed her a tangible example of her father's love for her.  He showed up even when she
didn't know he was there.  He didn't leave her to fend for herself anymore.  What a beautiful moment for her heart!

My friend, I pray that this story and analogy will somehow give you a beautiful moment for your heart as well.  Perhaps you can look at a situation you are going through, or something you've experienced, and see the Father's love as He is not leaving you.  Just because you didn't hear all of His words or see Him walking beside you, doesn't mean He has hung back while you continue to fight a losing battle.  He is here - going before you and coming behind you, to defend you, His precious child.

Love is...

...not what I thought...

“Love is patient, love is kind...” Most of us have heard the beginning of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a enough to recognize it.  Throughout my years as a Christian, I always viewed this passage as a list of things I'd be if I was loving someone correctly. And it is a list of those things. But I’ve recently had an epiphany. 

You see, I struggle with loving people.  Of course, I love my family.  I might not always like what they say or do, but I love them.  And I love my friends because they're the ones I get to choose to have in my life.  But others? Strangers, acquaintances, coworkers...some of those people are HARD to love.  Who am I kidding.  Sometimes friends and family are hard to love!  Because I want people to be like me.  I want them to be respectful and honest and nice and don't cut me off! (I really struggle with bad drivers.) Don't take their bad day out on me; don't make me late; don't put my life at risk; and don't be rude!  Yeah, I struggle.

I pray and ask God for His heart for people a lot.  More often I'm asking Him to forgive me for how I reacted to those people I'm having a hard time loving.  I'm trying to do better and I'm being honest.  Anyway...I was praying about how to love others as Christ loves us. And the Lord brought the verses of 1 Corinthians 13 to mind. Only this time, instead of a list of all the things I should be to the individuals I love, I thought of it as examples of ways to show love to others.  Actions versus feelings.

"Love is patient" with the new cashier learning her job when I just want to get home. 

"Love is kind" to the neighbor who always seems to be in a bad mood. 

"It does not envy" the person on social media who can afford all the things, but has no one who truly appreciates them.

"It does not boast" to the friend who is struggling to get through just one more day.

"It is not proud" when humility is what will touch a heart more.

"It does not dishonor others" by telling lies or being disrespectful.

"It is not self-seeking" and rather seeks opportunities to help others.

"It is not easily angered" and instead tries to find out the root cause of the situation.

"It keeps no records of wrongs" because I know I too have a long list of wrongs people could pull out - but they don't.

"Love does not delight in evil" even if it's popular with the crowd.

"But rejoices with truth" even if it's unpopular and gets you laughed at.

"It always protects" those who cannot protect themselves.

"Always trusts" that even the ugly stuff can be used for good if we let God have it all.

"Love never fails" to look for the silver lining, the big picture, the greater perspective, because everything is temporary.

There are still going to be people I meet that I won't love. Not like I love my husband, or my kids, or my friends and family. But I can show God’s love in my actions. Maybe this isn’t as mind blowing for you, but it’s a struggle I’ve had for years. I have people in my life who have treated me with love from the moment I met them. And I want to be like that. But I fail so much. This new approach to love gives me hope that I can do better at succeeding. Love doesn’t have to be intimate. Jesus didn’t open His heart (emotions) to every person He met. But He did open His mouth and His arms. He gave of His time and His gifts. He chose to give when there was no promise of a return. 

And ironically, I’ve been experiencing this kind of action love in my life this month. Moments of success that gave me joy without ever realizing I was watching the Lord teach me about these verses. 

Sometimes love is answering an email from someone you haven't spoken to in months and find that they are really hurting and needing help.  And they remembered a kind word you spoke to them so they chose you to open up to. Because of you, they get the help they need.

 

Sometimes love is helping someone with an extra cart because the cashier has nowhere to put the grocery bags, but they aren't done unloading their items.

 

Sometimes love is offering to take a picture for strangers so they can both be in the photo.

 

Sometimes love is making eye contact and smiling at someone.

 

In our lives, love is a word used too often and too flippantly.  We love our significant other, our pet, our sofa, our TV show, our tacos, our shoes, and our filters.  But love is also a word not said enough.  Not genuinely.  Some people struggle to say it because of how overused it is.  Some people never say it because it never meant anything special when it was said to them.  So how do you love people?  You have to show them.  Now I feel I'm better equipped to do that. And it turns out, I've been doing it all along.  I just didn't know it.

The Excuse to Walk Away

Falling out of love...

I recently came across a public post that shared a question from a reader.  This person was in a 25+ year marriage and was looking for validation that it was ok to end the marriage.  The main reason?  This person no longer "felt in love" with their spouse.  I was compelled to comment.  And because I know that so much of what we each go through also parallels what others are going through, I hope that perhaps my insights would be beneficial to you, my readers, as well.

Years of marriage, and you don't "feel" in love anymore?  Let's talk about feelings.  I can feel alone, even when I'm not.  I can feel like I could fly, when I know I can't. If I watch a scary movie and get freaked out, I don’t stay scared for years. If I go to a concert and get energized and enthusiastic, I don’t stay that way for weeks. Why is the “feeling” of love any different? 

Because we're sold a lie that says it's different.  Movies, songs, books...they all show us that there is one soulmate for each of us, coming into our lives to make it better than it could have ever been without them. Never evolving or diminishing over time - but rather increasing in its romance and mind-reading skills so that two lovers must never put any work into a relationship because you'll feel loved and cherished and known every day if it's the right person.  The Notebook, anyone? Time Traveler's Wife? Twilight saga??? 

Lies!  All lies!!!  Butterflies in your belly at the beginning of a new relationship are an indication of the newness in meeting a stranger, often based on excitement and lust. Those fade as we trust one another and become comfortable with each other. Then the daily commitment comes. Those feelings we all crave, the excitement of a stranger's touch or a wink from an attractive acquaintance, that is what drives many spouses to cheat. They miss the feelings they first had with the one they married so they're looking to find them again, not realizing they are temporary emotions that will fade with any relationship. We cannot base our decisions on feelings!

Do you always feel like going to work? Do you feel like filing taxes? Do you feel like showering every day? And what about children (if you have any) - kids are exhausting and expensive and annoying and time consuming. Do you feel differently about them after a few years? I’d say no. Because with all the stress they bring, they also bring so much joy and pride and value. As I’m sure your spouse does. 

Listen, I've mentioned a time or two that my husband and I were both married before.  We each had a spouse who refused to ignore the temporary feelings they had for others they were not married to.  That created many problems in both of our marriages and they finally ended.  So I speak from experience.  Both spouses have to fight against the "I don't feel in love with you anymore" and fight for the relationship that you desire to have.  Marriage isn't about feeling happy or content or excited every moment.  Sometimes there are hard months.  Maybe even hard years.  But marriage isn't built upon emotions.  It's built upon trust and commitment and common ground.  It's built in the trenches as well as in the tidal pools.  Relationships go through highs and lows, and they cannot be solved by feelings.  Feelings create a foundation of quicksand that will topple even the best intentions of the best people.

Solid foundations can still be established if you're willing to put in the work.  Just as a house can have a foundation repaired years after it was built, so can a marriage.  If you find that you identify too well with this conversation, there are some things you have to choose to do.  You have to refocus on your spouse's attributes that are positive and beneficial to you and your family. Remember what drew you to him or her in the beginning.  Why did you ask to marry her?  Why did you tell him yes?  What are the strengths that they bring to the marriage?  How can you encourage them to be your partner again? Build upon those things. Encourage those things. The feelings can absolutely return; only this time, they will be deep and dependable and honest because they are based on a committed love of one another, not a fleeting feeling of attractive love that society advertises but never sells.

My father once gave me some of the greatest words of advice I've needed over and over in my life:  Your head should lead your heart. Our hearts are fickle and ever-changing. What we liked yesterday, we hate today. Be in control of your emotions. Own them. But don’t make a permanent decision based on a feeling that was never intended to last the duration of our lives.

Blood is Thicker...

Than Water...or is it?

Have you ever heard that phrase?  Has it ever been used on you?  Or against you?  I know I've heard it
many, many times when someone close to me has tried to explain why they feel a particular allegiance that should otherwise be forgotten.  And every time it's said, all I feel is...undervalued, unappreciated, expendable, temporary, and certainly unloved.

It seemed that no matter what effort I put forth, no matter what heart and tears and work and compassion I offered, it was never going to measure up because I was just the "water" compared to the familial blood relative.  The blood relative that had absolutely no concern for or relationship with this person, but who received the loyalty nonetheless due to the importance of the "blood" connection.

One day I came across a wonderful article that listed The 5 Most Frequently Misused Proverbs.  Imagine my excitement when I saw that this quote was one they discussed.  Imagine my great delight when I read the truth of the proverb.

As stated in the article, we tend to use the phrase "blood is thicker than water" to either express loyalty (as mentioned above) or exert guilt upon a person who isn't siding with family.  It turns out, that's completely wrong!  The link is above, but here's an excerpt:

              ...if "blood" is referring to blood relations, then what...is the "water" supposed to refer to? Well, we can trace this back to an earlier proverb, which was that "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Which means we've actually got it backward -- the "water of the womb," or our family relationships, is not as strong as the "blood of the covenant." Rather than "blood" shared by family, the original interpretation of the term was literal blood. In other words, the blood that is shed by soldiers on the battlefield makes for stronger bonds than those of the family you happened by chance to be born into. It was also used in reference to "blood covenants" that people used to make, which involved cutting each other and mixing their blood together in a more hardcore version of the modern pinkie swear.

Isn't that interesting?!?  "Blood shed...on the battlefield makes for stronger bonds than those of the family you happened by chance to be born into."  What a concept!  And that was when I realized that, although the person I loved who had been using this phrase as an explanation about why I didn't quite make the cut, it was really a blessing he was bestowing on me.  Only he didn't know it either.

You see, I had shed some blood with this person.  But more importantly, we had been in battle together.  We had fought each other and we'd fought side by side.  We had overcome adversity and we had prevailed in ways we could not have imagined.  And it was by choice.  There was no DNA between us to bind us to one another.  There was no relational expectation of loyalty to hold to.  It was a choice to work together, to battle together, in order to win.  At no time did the "water of the womb" come near to battle at his side.  At no time did the "water of the womb" stand strong and protective when necessary.  No, that was me.  That was the one who was not blood to him.

It's been years since I've heard that phrase as it was meant all those times previous.  But it still lingered on my heart as a wound.  As a reminder that I was and would always be found lacking.  Since finding this article and reading the history of this phrase, I have not only found peace with the memories, but I have found hope.  The person I love may never know the truth behind this phrase.  But I do.  And so I don't have to feel inadequate because I know I have more than proven my worth in the battlefield.

And what of the ultimate blood, the blood of Christ?  He Who faced the greatest enemy - death - and overcame it with His own sacrifice.  He Who has no DNA tie to us other than His divine love yet came to earth to prove that love.  Christ Who goes before us in battle because we are His own.  That is the blood that is thicker than water.  For while the water of baptism is an act of obedience, it does not in itself have the power to save.  Only that is found in the blood of the perfect Lamb of God.

For those who have heard this phrase, or those who have used it themselves, I hope you find new clarity in the truth behind this proverb.  Instead of being used to guilt or divide, it was intended to build up and encourage.  It is meant to form bonds instead of break them.  I know that I now hear this phrase with a new sense of strength and purpose.  I hear it with gratitude and achievement and permission to keep moving forward.

I will never share the "waters of the womb" with some of the people I most love.  But I have and will continue to share the battlefield on their behalf.  And while the wounds that are afflicted may not draw literal blood, the scars are no less real.  I have seen the injuries caused and I know the damage left behind by those "waters."

For as long as I can, I will stand with them against the "waters."  I will fight beside them.  I will fight for them.  I will never stop because the blood that is shed on the battlefield is stronger than the waters of the womb.

Crying Over Spilled Milk

...and leaving a sour attitude...

While we both sat in bed reading last night, I readjusted and accidentally made my husband spill his drink (it was tea, not milk by the way) that he'd had propped up next to him.  There hadn't been much in the cup, but it tipped over and left a nice little puddle on the bed with a few ice cubes.  At the same time as I said "I'm sorry" and was rising to go get a towel, he was acting like I'd done it on purpose:  animated, asking me what I thought I was doing, didn't I see his drink....By the time I got a towel, I was near tears.

All I could think about was the FULL glass he'd spilled on the carpet two weeks ago.  Twice.  I hadn't gotten upset.  I just got a towel (twice), soaked it all up (twice), picked up the ice (twice), told him it was no big deal even as he apologized. TWICE.  I kept thinking about how if anyone should be upset about this, it should be me, not him.  And now I am upset, but for a different reason.

He'd really hurt my feelings.  I went downstairs for a while.  I didn't want to be around him.  I was feeling sorry for myself and seeing the injustice of it all - my kindness toward him and his blame toward me.  I didn't need that kind of attitude.

A little while later, I ventured back upstairs.  It was late, and I was going to bed.  In the time that I'd been gone, my husband had fallen asleep.  Good.  So I climbed into bed, turned out the light, and hear, "I'm sorry I snapped at you.  I love you."

Great.

He's going to apologize and that's it?  It's over?  No way!  He hurt my feelings and he thinks one "I'm sorry" and one "I love you" fixes it?

So I stayed quiet.  I got my pillows perfect and my blankets pulled up.  I was comfortable and I was quiet.

And then ever so softly, my heart said, 'He was sincere in his apology.  He didn't mean to snap at you.  You need to speak to him.'

But I wasn't ready to stop being hurt!  I wasn't satisfied with his heart-felt apology!  He didn't act like he appreciated my hurt feelings enough!

And then that little voice again:  "Never once have I withheld My forgiveness from you."

What does God do when we mess up and then we go to Him to apologize?

*Does He wallow in His hurt feelings?  He would have every right.  Our sin separates us from Him.

*Does He play with our hearts, making us feel guilty for our behavior?  He would have every right.  We hurt Him with our sin choices.

*Or does He accept our sincere apology and welcome us into His arms?  He lifts our burden from our heart and pulls us close.

In that moment, I realized I never want God to treat me the way I was treating my husband.  How horrible to imagine going to the Father with a broken heart, with real repentance, and Him telling me, "I'm not ready to stop being hurt.  I'm not satisfied with your apology."  What a moment of hopelessness!  That no matter how sincere I was, that my Father was going to be silent and withhold His affection from me.

I immediately confessed my attitude to The Lord and thanked Him for His insight.  Then I turned to my husband and said all the things that I had on my heart about my hurt feelings.  He shared that he had dozed off and when the cup spilled, he'd been surprised.  His surprise came out sounding angry and blaming when he didn't intend it as such.  I felt better because I understood his reaction, and he also understood my position.  I held him close and told him I loved him.  And the burden of my attitude was lifted.

There are always going to be moments of hurt feelings and injustices.  But we need to extend the same grace to others who hurt us that God extends to us when we hurt Him. Our hearts are fragile and can be easily injured.  And they need soothing and honest efforts made to promote healing.  But when that real effort is made, it is our responsibility to accept it quickly and fully in order to preserve the relationship.  To do anything less is to inflict new injury and new brokenness.


"There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1)
 
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

Truth?...or Love?

Which one should we be choosing?

Just for fun, let's me give you an example.  I can't possibly be the only person who's ever tried this:  your dog is sitting there, looking at you with those dark puppy dog eyes.  His tail is wagging in anticipation of...anything.  And you start talking to him.  You coo and talk like a baby; you grin and laugh - but your words don't match your tone.  "There's my bad dog!  Oh yes you are!  What a bad dog you are!  Don't you wag your tail, you bad dog!"  Now change it:  you are stern and angry, frowning and pointing - but your words don't match your tone.  "You good boy.  Good boy!  Do you want a treat?  Do you?  What a good boy!"  Do you think the dog reacted to your words or your tone?  Did your dog hear truth?  Or love?

On the surface, it seems like an easy answer to the question "Which one should we be choosing:  truth or love?"  Some will say it's obviously truth we should choose because no one wants to be lied to.  Others will say it's clearly love we need more of because we all need to be more loving toward one another.  There's even scripture to back up each side:  "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32) and "...the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:13).

But it's not that simple.  It's not either/or - it's...and.

Let's apply this to an every day circumstance.  Consider a coworker whose cubicle is next to yours.  He wears too much cologne and it sends you into an asthma attack every morning.  On the other side of you, there's a lady who sings to every song on her radio, breaking your concentration. 

• Truth says to these people, "You reek!  Can't you tone it down so the rest of us don't have to suffer?  And you need to be quiet!  People are trying to work and you're distracting!"

• Love says to these people, "Wow, that's a great cologne.  No, it's not too strong.  Hey, you have a great voice.  I think everyone loves to hear you singing."

Let's apply this logic to raising kids. Imagine your child has been struggling with their grades.  You've found out that they are talking during class and don't always hear the assignments.  You go straight home, ready to have an effective conversation with your child.

• Truth says, "You need to stop talking to your friends!  Are you being lazy?  Can't you do the work?  What's wrong with you???"

• Love says, "Hey now, I know it's fun to talk in class.  But you need to pay attention to the teacher a little.  It would be good to get a couple assignments turned in every once in a while."

Now, let's take this back to scripture.  Think about sermons you've heard or "Christians" you've witnessed.  They often use two different tactics.

• Truth says, "You aren't worthy!  You're on a path to destruction!  You must do exactly what I say or else!"

• Love says, "Of course God loves you!  He wants you to be happy.  You're fine just the way you are.  Just be good and He will bless you."

Anyone else noticing a trend?  Too often, what it thought of as honesty is really an excuse to be tactless, blunt, hurtful, hateful, and a free pass to say what's really on your mind.  Even if there is truth to the words spoken, it's lost in the delivery.

And what is considered a loving approach is actually just a bunch of excuses used to relieve the other person of any accountability for their actions or behaviors.  The words might be spoken kindly, but they aren't doing the other person any good to hear them.
 
Ephesians 4:15 gives us a clear picture how to handle these situations:  "rather, speaking the truth in love...." It is only by putting the two concepts together that we can rightly handle any given situation.

Truth AND love tells the coworker, "I have asthma and your cologne, while nice, is really strong.  It makes me sick every day.  Could you not wear so much?"  "Maybe you don't notice, but when you sing, your voice carries.  It's distracting me from my work.  Could you please not sing so loud?"

Truth AND love tell the child, "I understand you want to talk to your friends, but you are to pay attention in class.  Your grades aren't where they need to be.  I know you're capable of doing better, so I want you to start listening and getting your assignments done on time."

Truth AND love tells the world, "God loves you so much He sent His Son Jesus to die for you when you didn't deserve it.  He accepts you where you are, but loves you too much to leave you that way.  Life won't magically get easier, but it will be full of grace and mercy and love and blessings."

(Truth AND love tells your dog that he's a good boy or he's in trouble.)

Too many times we pick one or the other, truth OR love.  In doing so, we leave out a vital part of the conversation.  I know I don't want to hear what anyone is telling me - even if they're right - if they aren't being compassionate and patient with me.  And while I appreciate a gentle tone and encouragement, if I'm not being told the truth, I really don't get any benefit from the fluff.

We need to realize the impact we are having on those around us when we lead with truth but forget our love.  We are inflicting invisible wounds that will take years to heal.  We are also pushing away any opportunity to build meaningful relationships.  While the old adage "the truth hurts" may be correct, it is also good to remember that "faithful are the wounds of a friend" (Proverbs 27:6).  If you must tell a hurtful truth, it's better received if the friendship is already well established.

We also need to realize the damage we are doing when we offer love without truth.  Whispered lies in a gentle voice with arms wrapped around shoulders can leave just as many invisible wounds.  True love doesn't want to hurt a person by being misleading or coy or passive. We are to "love our neighbor as we love ourselves" (Matthew 22:39).  If we don't want to be spoken to meanly or lied to in a soft voice, perhaps we should be careful not to find ourselves doing those same things to others.

John 13:34 says, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another."  To truly love another, we must love them with truth.  There is no choosing between the two.  They are so intricately intertwined that to separate them means to redefine each of them.  Love is condescending without truth; truth is cold without love.  

Be the person you want others to be to you.

Be the person you want to be.

Be the person God wants you to be, in Christ. 

Longing For Love...

...withholding respect...

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior." Ephesians 5:22-23

I'm sure you've all heard this scripture.  Don't run away just yet!  I'm hoping this post means as much to you as it did to me when I first learned a little more behind the verses. (And by personal disclaimer, I do realize that not all wives and husbands fit the "mold."  But I'm hoping to share the ideal that God intended.  I have no desire to stir up painful wounds or create conflict with your own personal experience.)

I know so many women who have cringed at this scripture (if not outright hated it!) every time it's taught.  I know women who dig their heels in because they feel they've earned the right to be equal to a man with the whole women's liberation thing.  I know women who've been the victim of emotional and verbal abuse as this scripture has been lorded over them by pious, religious husbands.  I know women who have felt subservient because they don't ever get the full teaching of the remainder of the verses (I'll get to those).

Some versions use the word "respect," but many women are familiar with the negative connotation of submission; therefore, I'm focusing on that right now.  So first I want to tell you what "submit" means.  While an internet search will yield many definitions, I happened to like this one the most.  I've highlighted the important words or phrases in red.

sub·mit  (səb-mĭt′)

v. sub·mit·ted, sub·mit·ting, sub·mits

v.tr.

1. To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.

2. To subject to a condition or process.

3. To commit (something) to the consideration or judgment of another. See Synonyms at propose.

4. To offer as a proposition or contention: I submit that the terms are entirely unreasonable.

v.intr.

1. To give in to the authority, power, or desires of another. See Synonyms at yield.

2. To allow oneself to be subjected to something.

Those last two are pretty important keys to understanding all this.  It's the voluntary giving in to someone else. You get to decide that you're laying your destiny in the hands of your husband.  And while you're commanded to by God, you can also choose not to.  More on that later.

So we see that wives are to voluntarily surrender their power and desires into the hands of their husbands and allow him to consider the outcomes that will affect them both.  But what is the husband supposed to do?

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word." Ephesians 25-26

I don't think we need a definition of love.  We all know what it means, what it should look like, what we long for it to look like in our own lives.  But I want you to see the continued command that a husband is to make his wife holy, through the Word of God.  He's supposed to be lifting her up, leading her, giving her a safe place to rest, protecting her heart and her dreams, ensuring that she is provided for in every need, and even forsaking himself in order to preserve her if it comes to that.

Remember I said that you are commanded to submit, but that you have to decide to voluntarily give up your own will to your husband?  How easy would it be to give up your own authority if you knew - could see by your husband's very actions - that he was truly leading you to Christ with every part of his life?  Now, how hard would it be to voluntarily give up your own authority if you knew - could see by your husband's very actions - that he only cared about himself and had no desire to make the right choices for you?  Pretty easy decision, right?

Let me throw a twist in here.

About a year ago, my ladies Bible group did a short six week study through a book titled "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn.  Skimming through the intro, I didn't really think I'd get any new revelations.  I mean, I've heard it all based on the chapter subjects.  But it was a great group of ladies and everyone needs Bible study time with a great group of ladies.  

Well count me floored when chapter one immediately rocked my world.

The background to this book is that Shaunti loves research.  So she took her love and paired it with a survey she gave to hundreds of men - some saved, some not saved, young, old, married, single - and wrote the book based on the results of her findings.  While she wrote it from a Christian perspective, the questions are about life and relationships in general and not from a Biblical world view.

Here's what Shaunti has to say about Ephesians Chapter 5 (pages 26-27): 

              "Notice that one of the main Biblical passages on marriage...never tells the wife to love her husband, and it never tells the husband to respect his wife (presumably because we each already tend to give what we want to receive).  Instead, over and over, it urges the husband to love his wife and urges the wife to respect her husband and his leadership.  Women often tend to want to control things, which, unfortunately, men tend to interpret as disrespect and distrust (which, if we're honest with ourselves, it sometimes is).  Marriage is about putting the other person's needs above your own (he's required to do that too, remember), and it does tremendous things for your man to know that you are choosing to trust and honor him.  And that reveals the most important aspect of demonstrating respect:  It is a choice.  A choice that we make out of reverence for God and love for our husbands."

This statement was interesting to me because it makes total sense:  wives don't need to be told to love their husbands - we do automatically!  We long for, desire, crave, and are all encompassing of the duty to love the man beside us.  And men tend to give respect universally.  It would seem odd to them to be instructed to do what comes naturally.  Additionally, Shaunti points out what I've been saying - It's a choice!!!  A voluntary act done out of of our feminine love for our God and our spouse.

Now for the real eye opener (page 26):

              "'We've become such a love-dominated culture,' Dr. Eggerichs says, 'Like the Beatles said, "All you need is love." So we've come to think that love should be unconditional, but respect must be earned.   Instead, what men need is unconditional respect - to be respected for who they are [i.e. our husbands], apart from how they do.'  Just as you want the man in your life to love you unconditionally, even when you're not particularly loveable, your man needs you to demonstrate your respect for him regardless of whether he's meeting your expectations at the moment."

Whoa!  Did you catch that?!?!

Think back for just a moment.  Think of a time you've been exhausted, in pain, irritated, overwhelmed, late, whatever and you've had an attitude because of it.  And then, when you've interacted with your husband (or kids, but the focus is husbands right now), he got the brunt of your sharp tongue, harsh tone, or cold shoulder.  Now, has he ever in one of those moments, drawn you a bath?  Rubbed your back?  Ordered pizza so you didn't have to cook?  Hugged you without words?  Whispered "I love you" or told you "Everything will be okay"?  That was him loving you even though you were wayyyyyy beyond loveable at that moment.   

Can you imagine your life if every time you had a bad day or a bad attitude your husband said, "I don't love you right now!"  I'd be devastated!  I'd be heartbroken and lost.  It would be a pain like no other if my husband withheld his love because of my bad choice.

Now think back to a time when your husband made a decision for the family that didn't turn out so well.  He took a job that didn't pan out.  He bought a lemon used car.  He booked a cross country flight for your family vacation to take off at 11:30pm to save $100.  He made a large purchase without discussing it with you.  He invited his mother to move in with you.  He promised your son that he could graduate from the same high school he started, even if it meant being stuck in a dead-end job for four years. (Not all of these were done by my husband!)  How did you handle that bad decision?  Did you remind him of it every time you argued?  Did you tease him?  Did you mock him in front of others, to your mother, to his mother? Did you tell him he was stupid?  Did you tell him that you'd make the decisions from now on?  Or did you hug him and tell him you still trusted him?  Explain that everyone makes mistakes and that you would all be okay?  Did you show him that he was still your hero and best friend even if he wasn't being the best leader in that one moment?   

You see, your respect is love to him!  By withholding your respect from him "because he doesn't deserve it," you've created the "I don't love you right now" moment.  You've crippled him!  He's already feeling like a failure and the one person he holds most dear just added insults to his wounded heart.

Ladies, let me be clear:  I know there are a lot of men out there who don't get it.  They want to dominate instead of lead and they aren't respectable - ever.  But I think a lot of women don't understand that by submitting to our husbands' authority, we are in fact creating in them a better leader.  A leader who will desire to be found respectable.  I think that's why the verse about the wives was listed first:  if we will do our part, the husbands will follow.  A man who feels respected will show sacrificial love (even when it isn't deserved).  And a woman who feels loved will show great respect (even when it isn't deserved).  Because most of the time, the two of you will be getting it right and it will be deserved and the cycle will keep repeating.

Men (assuming any of you read this), let me be clear:  I know there are a lot of women who don't get it.  They think you have to earn respect while you love them on their worst day because "that's the way it is."  But I think men struggle with what love looks like.  You know what respect is in your world, but a woman's need for love is her universe.  Without your love - the love she needs, not the love you think she needs - she is just a housekeeper, a secretary, a cook, a baby-maker, and a soft body for you to hold once in a while.  She wants to be your everything!  And the way you love her will make or break that.  I recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" if you'd like to really figure out what your wife (or husband) needs to feel loved (respected).

I'd like to leave you with a final word from Shaunti.  In her research she found that "the Greek word translated as 'respect' in Ephesians, phobeo, means to be in awe of, to revere.  It's not just a matter of bland regard.  We are supposed to be highly valuing our men!" (page 27)  This awe and reverence is to balance and rival our desire for the happily ever after kind of love we wives are longing for.  And while the fairy tale romance may not exist, the true love of a man and a woman completely devoted to the well-being of one another as they strive to become more holy and Christ-like is exactly what can happen when both of you are committed to one another as God commanded.  It's not a sacrifice as much as it is a privilege. 

Ladies, love your husband as the gift he is by respecting him even in the moments of doubt and disappointment.  Be worthy of the love he gives you even in your unworthy moments.

Men, respect the wife of your youth by loving her as Christ loved His own Bride, the Church.  Be worthy of the respect she offers you even in your moments of defeat.