Why Won't Everyone Go to Heaven?

It's really not that complicated.

It seems there's always been a misconception about heaven:  if I'm a good person and God is a good god, then of course I'm going to heaven!  I've heard this from family members, acquaintances, strangers, Hollywood, books, and the media.  What I find most fascinating is that I've even heard it mentioned in one form or another at funerals for people who didn't really believe in an afterlife.  How in the world does one gain access to heaven without believing there's a heaven to go to?  But that's not a question for today.

Today I want to give you a really easy understanding as to why not everyone will enter heaven.  It's so simple, even elementary children can follow the logic.

Picture your neighborhood.  All the houses on all the streets, from the front of the neighborhood to the back.  Most of us know a few neighbors.  We might even be friends with a few.  How many houses in your neighborhood can you just walk into?  I don't mean knocking and hearing "come in."  I mean uninvited or unannounced.  In all the houses I've ever lived in, I cannot think of one house in my neighborhoods that I could just go to and walk in at any time of day, for any reason.

Now, is there someone's home that you can walk into without calling ahead or knocking?  My son
still has a key and a garage door opener despite living several states away.  If he wanted to surprise us, he could.  I no longer live in the same town as my mom, but when I did, I could drive to her home and walk in as if I lived there.

What's the difference between these two situations?

Relationship.

The ability to walk into a home not only requires relationship, it requires a level of intimacy.  The person living there must know you.  And you must know them.  There's more than just a casual connection.  There's more between you than just a common neighborhood.  It's a bond built on history together.  And whether you're related by dna, marriage, or decades of friendship, you're family.

That is how heaven works.  You cannot walk into God's home unless you have a relationship with Him through His Son, Jesus.  You cannot enter into His home unless you are family as His child by accepting Christ as your Savior.  Just as I would never allow a stranger to just casually walk into my living room to sit with my children, God does not allow just anyone to walk into His presence.  It doesn't matter if the person is nice, attractive, wealthy, famous, or generous; no stranger is coming into my home uninvited.

Yet many think that they good works they do will be the key that opens the pearly gates.  They're counting on their list of positive deeds to outweigh their list of negative behaviors.  Unfortunately, there are not enough good works to erase all the negative stuff we do throughout our lives.  That is why Jesus was sent - to take our place and do the one "good deed" we need to wipe out the list of all our evil deeds.  Because He left His home, we have the opportunity to join Him in it.

1 Corinthians 6:9 says, "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit [enter] the kingdom of God [heaven]?"  There has to be a way to make us righteous - morally right and justified in the eyes of a Holy God.

Ephesians 2:8-9 clarifies that "by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing; it is a gift of God not a result of works, so that no one may boast."  So we need to be made righteous in the eyes of God, but works doesn't' do it.  So what does?

In John 14:6, Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through Me."  Only through Jesus can we be made righteous!  Only through Jesus is heaven opened to us.  Only He is the key to salvation and an eternity with Him.  The alternative is an eternity without Him.

There is no house you can enter uninvited anywhere in the world without having a relationship with the person inside.  How much more must God protect His home?  But He has made a way for each of us if we will only accept it.






For more analogies like this, see The Poop in the Brownies Part 1 and Part 2.

Blessed Are the Peace....

Makers or Keepers?

In all the chaos of the world, who couldn't use some peace?  With all the "in your face" controversial and confrontational parts of life, calm and quiet is pretty appealing.  The truth is, sometimes peace comes at the cost of expending some energy toward chaos and confrontation.  Does that surprise you?

There's a group of people assigned to do a particular job when countries fall into conflicts or war.  They are known as the Peace Keepers.  They are often a neutral, but armed, military force that moves into an area to enforce a cease fire or other agreement reached by both sides.  They are literally there to keep the peace.  Due to their intimidating presence, it often works.

So what does peace keeping look like in our own lives?  The easiest example to think of is refereeing two or more children/siblings who are arguing.  The neutral party moves in to stop the conflict and ease tensions.   Oftentimes just having the neutral party present is enough to get the arguing children to go their separate ways.

But what is peace keeping really?

In a phrase, peace keeping is just another way of saying, "Don't rock the boat."

We've all been there:  something is said or done that is offensive or unacceptable.  You want to address it, but how?  Do you lay out the facts?  Do you share your emotions?  Will the other person get defensive if you say something?  Maybe it will create an even bigger offense.  So after some quick thoughts, you decide to just let it go, ignore it, pretend it really didn't upset or offend you.  Keep the peace.  Don't rock the boat.

So how'd that work out for ya?

My guess is that this person soon said or did something else that was offensive or unacceptable.  And since you let it go the first time, now it seems silly to bring it up.  It looks like you're keeping score.  And since you let it go the first time, the offender thinks it's ok to continue acting this way.  They have no reason to believe otherwise.  They are going to keep speaking or behaving in a manner unpleasing to you because you are busy keeping the peace.  It's a false peace because it never lasts and nothing is ever resolved.

If you've read any of my previous posts, you know that I have a wonderful son who was brought into my life when I married his father.  You may also recall that this young man was very angry at the world during his preteen years and was not much of a joy to be around.  It was his way or he'd argue.  It was his way or he'd whine.  It was his way or he'd go to his dad to tell him how mean I was to him.  It was his way or he made life miserable.  And at first, we just wanted to show him love through his anger.  He had a lot of legitimate stuff to be angry about.  So we gave him some space to vent his frustrations.  But pretty soon it was clear that he was just getting more comfortable in his ability to run the family with his demands and behavior.  The day his dad told me to "just get along with him" was the day I knew things had to change.  We were starting to remind each other not to step on his toes so we wouldn't start a conflict with him.  The days of "don't rock the boat" had to end because we were taking on water.

If peace keeping wasn't working, what did that leave us?

Have you ever read the scripture verse that says, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God." (Matthew 5:9)  I had read it many times, never giving it much thought.  Until recently, I had always considered it another synonym for peace keepers.  But I was very, very wrong.

Peace makers MAKE peace.  Let that sink in.

Peace makers come into a conflict and confront it.  In order to create a lasting peace, something must change.  That's what a peace maker does.  This isn't to be confused with changing or fixing the person; only an individual can choose to change.  But by creating a change in our own responses to a situation, we can be a catalyst for real change and real peace.

Back to our son.  I had to make a conscious effort to handle things differently.  And believe me when I say, this created even more conflict than before.  Our son was not going to just give up the behavior overnight.  He'd learned that his methods had a payoff - do it long enough and you get what you want because everyone gives in.  No way he was giving up getting his way.  So greater conflict ensued because I was finally making him make peace with us.  Without going into the nitty gritty details, it was messy.  It was exhausting.  It was complicated.  It was painful.  It was worth it.  Pretty soon we had a teenager who was giving us resistance because that's what teenagers do, not because he was trying to run the family.  He was learning that we loved him despite his attitude, so he learned his attitude wasn't necessary to prove if we loved him.  By requiring him to work out his frustrations instead of avoiding all interaction with them, he realized that life could be more than the anger he felt.  I taught him to not only make peace with us, but to make peace with himself.

So when scripture tells us that "Blessed are the peacemakers," it is saying that blessings come from going into the trenches of conflict and getting dirty in the process of peace.  The implication then is that staying inside the boat so it doesn't tip over actually causes more harm and, dare I say, brings with it no blessings, but even more turmoil.

Peace making isn't easy.  It isn't fun.  It isn't comfortable.  It isn't the calling we want on our lives at the time.  But it can be one of the most beautiful and meaningful parts of our testimony.  Why?  Because when there is conflict, people usually know it.  When a marriage is in trouble, when kids are acting out, when friends are at odds with one another, other people see it.  You know you're talking about your trouble to someone.  You're sharing your heartaches and headaches with someone.  I know I was!  So there's always an audience.  When peace keeping is happening, that audience has a front row seat to the continuing chaos.  But when peace making begins to be implemented, that same audience begins to see a change.  As you share the changes taking place in your life, they can see and hear the difference.  They can see and hear the hope and healing taking place.  And they are ministered to through you because they can see what God is doing in your relationships.

And that's the key.  In case you haven't realized it already, the scripture says that peace makers will be called "children of God."  God is all about making peace; lasting peace.  There is no way I could have walked out my circumstances without God beside me, offering me strength and wisdom and hope.  I ran to Him many times looking for fresh ideas and crying in my spirit "This is taking too long!"  But "making" is creating.  It's easy to keep something that already exists, but creating something out of nothing?  THAT takes time.  You cannot do it alone.  You will not walk that difficult road for long if you're walking it alone.  You are a child of God and He wants to help you make peace with whatever is going on in your life.  It doesn't mean it won't hurt.  In fact, I can promise it will.  It doesn't mean it won't be messy, because it usually is.  But making peace is necessary if it's going to lead to lasting peace. 

If you are spending your days walking on eggshells and balancing the oars of a boat going nowhere, I encourage you to go to the Father and ask Him to help you make peace.  Maybe you don't need to make peace with another person, but you need to make peace with yourself, with your past.  That, too, can be difficult and painful.  But it will be so worth it.  Will you trust Him to walk you through the tough times to bring you through to the other side?  He is, after all, the Prince of Peace.

Blood is Thicker...

Than Water...or is it?

Have you ever heard that phrase?  Has it ever been used on you?  Or against you?  I know I've heard it
many, many times when someone close to me has tried to explain why they feel a particular allegiance that should otherwise be forgotten.  And every time it's said, all I feel is...undervalued, unappreciated, expendable, temporary, and certainly unloved.

It seemed that no matter what effort I put forth, no matter what heart and tears and work and compassion I offered, it was never going to measure up because I was just the "water" compared to the familial blood relative.  The blood relative that had absolutely no concern for or relationship with this person, but who received the loyalty nonetheless due to the importance of the "blood" connection.

One day I came across a wonderful article that listed The 5 Most Frequently Misused Proverbs.  Imagine my excitement when I saw that this quote was one they discussed.  Imagine my great delight when I read the truth of the proverb.

As stated in the article, we tend to use the phrase "blood is thicker than water" to either express loyalty (as mentioned above) or exert guilt upon a person who isn't siding with family.  It turns out, that's completely wrong!  The link is above, but here's an excerpt:

              ...if "blood" is referring to blood relations, then what...is the "water" supposed to refer to? Well, we can trace this back to an earlier proverb, which was that "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Which means we've actually got it backward -- the "water of the womb," or our family relationships, is not as strong as the "blood of the covenant." Rather than "blood" shared by family, the original interpretation of the term was literal blood. In other words, the blood that is shed by soldiers on the battlefield makes for stronger bonds than those of the family you happened by chance to be born into. It was also used in reference to "blood covenants" that people used to make, which involved cutting each other and mixing their blood together in a more hardcore version of the modern pinkie swear.

Isn't that interesting?!?  "Blood shed...on the battlefield makes for stronger bonds than those of the family you happened by chance to be born into."  What a concept!  And that was when I realized that, although the person I loved who had been using this phrase as an explanation about why I didn't quite make the cut, it was really a blessing he was bestowing on me.  Only he didn't know it either.

You see, I had shed some blood with this person.  But more importantly, we had been in battle together.  We had fought each other and we'd fought side by side.  We had overcome adversity and we had prevailed in ways we could not have imagined.  And it was by choice.  There was no DNA between us to bind us to one another.  There was no relational expectation of loyalty to hold to.  It was a choice to work together, to battle together, in order to win.  At no time did the "water of the womb" come near to battle at his side.  At no time did the "water of the womb" stand strong and protective when necessary.  No, that was me.  That was the one who was not blood to him.

It's been years since I've heard that phrase as it was meant all those times previous.  But it still lingered on my heart as a wound.  As a reminder that I was and would always be found lacking.  Since finding this article and reading the history of this phrase, I have not only found peace with the memories, but I have found hope.  The person I love may never know the truth behind this phrase.  But I do.  And so I don't have to feel inadequate because I know I have more than proven my worth in the battlefield.

And what of the ultimate blood, the blood of Christ?  He Who faced the greatest enemy - death - and overcame it with His own sacrifice.  He Who has no DNA tie to us other than His divine love yet came to earth to prove that love.  Christ Who goes before us in battle because we are His own.  That is the blood that is thicker than water.  For while the water of baptism is an act of obedience, it does not in itself have the power to save.  Only that is found in the blood of the perfect Lamb of God.

For those who have heard this phrase, or those who have used it themselves, I hope you find new clarity in the truth behind this proverb.  Instead of being used to guilt or divide, it was intended to build up and encourage.  It is meant to form bonds instead of break them.  I know that I now hear this phrase with a new sense of strength and purpose.  I hear it with gratitude and achievement and permission to keep moving forward.

I will never share the "waters of the womb" with some of the people I most love.  But I have and will continue to share the battlefield on their behalf.  And while the wounds that are afflicted may not draw literal blood, the scars are no less real.  I have seen the injuries caused and I know the damage left behind by those "waters."

For as long as I can, I will stand with them against the "waters."  I will fight beside them.  I will fight for them.  I will never stop because the blood that is shed on the battlefield is stronger than the waters of the womb.

When the Grass is Greener

Staying on your side

There's a popular saying that "The grass is greener on the other side."  It means that your side isn't good enough, will never measure up, and you will always be missing that 'something special' that the other person has clearly found for themselves. It's a nagging reminder of your inferior state of being in the lackluster life you've settled for.  It's also a challenge - to dump the life you have, jump the fence, and get that perfect (blank) you've been eying. 

Maybe it's a career, an education, a fancy car or house; but most often it's a relationship.  It's that greener grass of a younger woman who is willing to have fun and hasn't let herself go after having kids like your wife has.  It's the man who is willing to spend time and money on you instead of being at the office all the time like your husband is.  It's the woman who understands how awful it must be for you as a husband to have a nagging wife who doesn't appreciate you and says she would never treat you that way.  It's the man who smiles at you and notices your new haircut and compliments your outfit after your husband didn't notice.

But then there's another saying: 

 Also worded like this:

This is a nice little counter to the first phrase.  This variation reminds a person that there might be more to the greener grass; there might be some personal responsibility - even accountability - involved.  It sounds like a very practical piece of advice for the daydreamer's dilemma:  Water your grass and your side of the fence will be just as green!

I'd like to disagree.

While I agree that 'watering your grass' is imperative to having greener grass (in keeping with the relationship analogy here), I don't think that's enough.  Here's a personal example:

When we bought our house last summer, we had a beautiful lawn.  And being that we're the second house in the neighborhood, my husband is insistent that we keep it pristine.  Looking good enough isn't good enough.  We have an irrigation system and so we learned how to set the timer and we watered our grass all summer and into the fall.  We matched our neighbors - no greener grass on the other side here!  Once freezing temperatures hit, we winterized our sprinkler system and slowly watched as all the grass turned brown.  Of course, so did our neighbors.  So at least we matched.

Fast forward a rough twelve weeks into Spring.  The grass was green again and even needed to be mowed.  We turned on our watering schedule again and thought we were done.  But then the dandelions popped up.  Dainty little yellow buds that left spots of color all over the backyard, in addition to the lettuce-looking leaves that came with them.  And then a clover patch took over a large square of our front yard.  Little cotton balls of white that just spread with the watering.  To make matters worse, we had two ant hills that had appeared.  Our grass was green, but it was also infested!

Remember my husband who wouldn't take good enough?  He immediately began doing online research and making phone calls for landscaping companies who could solve the problems.  However, upon learning that they wanted $500+ for less than six months of care, he had to look for other solutions.  I got to work pulling weeds. On hands and knees, I pulled dandelions up by the roots, I shoveled stubborn roots out of the dirt, and I hand raked vines of clover out of the yard.  It took a couple hours, and about three times to get it all.  Every week, more would pop up, but it was never as many as had been there before.  My husband went out and bought a high end weed and feed fertilizer and grass seed combination something or other and spread it across the yard.   Although raking clover out by the roots had left a bare patch in the yard, the new grass sprouted quickly and filled in the empty spaces.  He also bought insecticide and covered the yard with that as well.

But a funny thing happened.

As the new grass sprouted, it came in fuller.  But not just fuller; it came in greener.  And not just greener; it came in as an entirely new kind of grass.  Suddenly the yard we were trying to keep looking like the neighbors looked better than the neighbors!  Could it be that we had become the "greener grass on the other side?"

Our grass with the neighbor's in the background

Other side, other neighbor

Let's go back to our analogy:  I said I disagreed with the solution that watering your own grass would make your yard just as green.  I have proof that it takes more than that.  It takes more than the bare minimum to keep up with the neighbors.  It takes more than "good enough" to ensure that your grass stays green.  Oh, you might get green grass, but you're going to get the weeds and the clover and maybe even insects.  So who cares if your grass is green?  Do you enjoy looking at it?  Do you want to go put your feet in it?  Can you trust walking barefoot among the ant hills?  Who says green grass is enough?

You want green grass - it's going to take hard work.  You're going to have to pull the weeds and rake the clover.  Over and over and over until you get it all.  You're going to have to get to the root of the problems whether it's about the kids, the work schedule, the chores, the insults, the heartaches, the letdowns, whatever.  You're going to have to work.

You want green grass - it's going to leave bare places.  Once those roots are pulled up, it's going to leave an empty space that's going to need filled.  You're going to have to fill it with something healthy - something that should have been there all along.  Maybe it will be spending quality time together.  Maybe it will be speaking words of affirmation and love to one another.  Maybe it will be just holding each other tight with no words at all.  You're going to have to fill the bare places.

You want green grass - it's going to cost you.  You're going to have to invest in things you didn't think you'd need.  You're going to have to spend time, money, energy (or all three) to get the results you want.  It might be staying home instead of going out with friends so the two of you have only each other to pay attention to.  It might be having the hard conversations - the deep, gut-wrenching, but healing conversations - that leads to better understanding.  It might be going to counseling to get the kind of help you need but aren't equipped to do yourself.  You're going to have to pay the cost.

Just as I can now compare my yard to my neighbors' yards and see that watering isn't enough, you might need to look at the "greener grass" next to you and realize that what you are coveting isn't really what you need.  In fact, if you looked closely, it may not even be what you want.  Somewhere there are hidden weeds.  Oh, they might have pretty flowers on them, but they're still weeds.  Some of them even have a vine structure that spreads out and contaminates everything around it.  And somewhere there are hidden ant hills or fleas or maybe a mole.  And what you thought was so much better ends up being more trouble than you bargained for.

The saddest thing about looking at what someone else has is that you fail to see what you already possess.  All your yard needs is some TLC and you'd have the yard of your dreams.  You're tempted to believe the lie that comes with looking beyond what is already yours and you think you'll never have to put forth any effort to keep the other grass in it's green condition.  You couldn't be further from the truth - all yards need work.  Work to maintain, work to nurture, work to flourish.  What you see is maintenance; what you want is flourishing. 

Your yard might be in really bad shape right now. You might think the work is too hard.  The bare places are too many.  The cost is too high.  Maybe you think it's a lost cause.  I can assure you that if you think repairing your yard is too much, acquiring a different yard will not be any better.  The work may be different, but you will still have work to do.  The bare places may be fewer, but they will need filled nonetheless.  The cost may seem lower, but in the end, it will really take everything you're worth - and then some.

Reconsider.  Re-evaluate.  Reseed!

And if all that fails, there's still hope!

You can always re-sod!

Chastised...

And loving it!

Ever feel God work in you immediately?  Let me tell you about an experience I had a couple years ago.  It meant so much to me, that I think about it often.  This is everything - in order - with my thoughts and God's interventions.

My husband was home, not feeling well for the second day in a row.  I started dinner around 3pm because he was getting hungry and I had the time to do it.  Who doesn't want an early dinner some nights?  Dinner took over an hour to make, but that was okay.  My sister was here and we chatted, passing the time.  She left a few minutes before everything was done.

I served up plates for each of us.  My step son's plate had to go in the microwave because he was at track practice.  It would be a while.  I carried hubby's plate to him and returned to the kitchen to get my plate.  Then my phone rang.  It was the boy's ringtone.  I was not happy.  Internal dialogue (in red from now on):  Are you kidding me?  Of course, I had to answer it.  I tossed my plate down hard enough to show I was irritated but not so hard as to break or spill anything.  "Is Dad coming to get me?"  "No."  "Are you coming to get me?"  "I hadn't planned on it."  "Wellllllll......I kinda need a ride?"  (Hangs head) "OK!"  Hubby immediately said he'd go.  "No! I'll go!"  Why should you eat a cold dinner?  It's not like I'm not used to it!  I'll go!  I always go!  I slightly slammed the door on the way out.  Just in case anyone missed that I was peeved.

I know I have an attitude.  SO what!?!  I'll probably still have it when I get back and the night will be crappy.  And I don't care!  Now you have to realize, I knew I was overreacting, but this happened all the time!  It never failed - I was always having to do something last minute to compensate for schedule changes.  So I had a bad attitude about it.

I got in the car, not happy.  And then I noticed a dove landing on my birdbath in the front yard - which was right next to where the car was parked.  Immediately:  Peace.  Yes, Lord.  I receive peace.  I will adjust this attitude right now.  (Looking back, I think it was a pigeon.  But I needed to see a dove, so that's what I remember.)

Choosing to calm down and let this not be a big deal, I backed out of the drive and turned my radio up.  If you ride with me, you know I listen to Christian radio ALL THE TIME.  (Unless I put in a secular CD of my favorites....)  The DJs were talking about it being Marriage Appreciation Week or something.  A guy had called in and he was talking about how it was hard in the early years, but over time he learned to let the little things go.  He said, "I come home to my wife, not the curtains she picked out."  They then start the next song, "God Gave Me You."  Now, I love this song.  It has great meaning for a lot of people.  But at that moment, I heard the chorus from a different perspective.  I heard it from God's perspective.  What if this was your step son saying this?  What if it was his heart saying these things that he could never express?  I gave you to him!  For the ups and downs.  For the days of doubt.  I gave him the mother he needed, the mother who will love him.  And you need to just be happy being that mother.

Can I tell you that the rest of the ride to pick up my son was great!?!  I have been given this awesome privilege of positively influencing this young man and watching him grow and change and become someone I'm so proud of and here I am complaining about having to pick him up!

I was pleasant when he got in the car and we talked all the way home.  He thanked me for picking him up (Hello?  This wasn't happening a few years ago! Now it's an every day occurrence.)  He told me about his day and things going on.  We had time for just us.  Time his dad normally gets because he's the one that picks him up on his way home from work.

When I got home, I went to get my plate.  My husband, of course, was done eating by now.  That's okay.  He said, "I'm sorry you had to go get him.  I would have gone."  "It's okay.  Easy fix."  I walked away with my plate and my hubby, surprised, asked "What are you doing."  He thinks I'm mad and I'm throwing my dinner away by way of having a tantrum!  Too funny!  "I'm going to go reheat my dinner.  I'll be right back."

When I sat down to eat, I told him, "You know, I wanted to have a bad attitude about having to drive out to get our son. [Insert story and details here]  After all that, I know I am in a special position to show him love.  So I was inconvenienced.  If the biggest problem I have today is having to reheat my dinner, I'm a blessed woman!"

I know a few of you who are inconvenienced a lot because of your lives/kids/families/jobs/etc.  I'm not saying I won't get huffy the next time I have to make a sacrifice for someone else.  But I thought God's perspective on the situation was too awesome to keep to myself.  He was immediately on me about my behavior and my thoughts and not only did He check my attitude, He gave me a new hope, a new goal for loving my son.  Because you see, I inherited my son through marriage to his father.  He came to me as a ten year old boy and I had to learn how to be a step parent almost over night.  My trials and frustrations were many.  And on this ordinary, yet amazing day, The Lord showed me His perspective of my role in this boy's life.  It's not a perspective I ever expect to hear come out of the boy's mouth himself.  But it's enough to know that this is how God sees my role.  I have never been able to listen to that song the same way again.  In my heart, it will always be "our" song - the song of a mother's love for her son.

That was almost exactly two years ago.  I am pleased to say that my son and I are closer now than then.  He is even more polite and impressive, and I'm even more proud of him.  I think a lot of times we get caught up in the daily grind of child rearing that we forget the big picture.  Or we think of the big picture in terms of the future.  On that day, I was shown the big picture of the past:  God is always working in our lives and things that happened years ago might not make sense until we are able to look back on them with His perspective.  I'm so grateful The Lord took a moment to completely reshape my thought process about my daily grind.  Loving this boy - who is now a man - has been one of my greatest adventures and blessings.  And I'd have never realized it if I hadn't gotten upset about walking away from a warm dinner.

Psalm 127:3 - "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward."

They don't have to be from my womb to be my heritage.



If you are a step parent, I know your job is hard.  I KNOW!  It's a constant struggle with unclear boundaries and  lots of new family members and attitudes - yours and theirs!  But it's also full of meeting needs and stepping in and stepping up.  And love.  Lots and lots of love.  There is every emotion in the spectrum - some you experience more often than others.  And not all of them are negative.  If you are a step parent, I want to encourage you to look at your life through the eyes of the child in your care.  Whether their mother is involved or not (in my case, not), you still serve a purpose.  You are a mother too.  You still need to dole out discipline, offer advice, give hugs. You will be the taxi, the cook, the housekeeper, the tutor, the financer and anything else they need when they are in your care.  It doesn't matter if it's full-time or only on weekends.  You are a mother and they need you.  But they are struggling to find their place in your life.  Look at it from their point of view.  Understand that they are struggling with loyalty.  Understand that they are struggling with seeing their dad happy with someone else.  Understand that it takes time to discover the new flow of the home.  But don't ever forget that you are family.  A bigger family; a family with a few more dysfunctions, but an awesome and growing and changing family.

If you are a child with a step parent, I know you're in a tough spot.  I know you have a mom and you don't need her replaced.  (Or maybe a few of you are thinking of your dad.)  But I hope you'll take a moment to think about what it's like from your step parent's point of view.  How they suddenly had a child come into their lives that they didn't necessarily plan for, but they made an effort to include.  How they often found themselves in a situation of having to smooth things over with their spouse behind closed doors because they didn't want their husband/wife to feel like they had to choose sides against the kids.  I want you to try to think back to the times your step parent didn't play favorites, but was fair - no matter who shared DNA with them.  I know you had struggles and emotions and ideas you couldn't put into words; and even if you could, you didn't want to share them.  Just know that your struggle wasn't the only one going on in the home.

And to those of you who had horrific blended family experiences, I don't take away from that.  I know every new spouse doesn't welcome the kids with open arms.  I know there are parents who do play favorites and are cruel to the step children.  I know not every child bonds with the step parent.  I know there are kids who are so traumatized, they are more of a burden than a joy.  If that was your experience, I'm truly sorry.  You have hurts that I can also relate to, but are too deep to console in this format.  But I do not dismiss those hurts. 

The bottom line is this:  we have a role in the family in which we find ourselves.  Just as we don't choose our birth families, we don't choose our step families (unless you are the spouses).  But not choosing doesn't relieve us of our responsibility to fulfill our role.  If you are a step parent, you have a role to raise and love that child just as you would your own flesh and blood.  If you have a step parent, you have a role to respect and obey that parent just as you would your birth parent. 

I haven't always enjoyed my role (as a mother or a step mother), but that doesn't mean I don't have a responsibility to perform it.  I was given a very real and beautiful moment to clearly identify my role in my step son's life.  And for the record, I HATE the word "step" in front of any family word.  I chose early on to acknowledge my husband's kids as MY kids - even the one I'm only 12 years older than.  There are five of them that I inherited.  And they are MINE.  And it breaks my heart when they refer to me as their step mom.  There just has to be a better name for it than that. 

But the point is - it's a heart thing.  I think about that moment in the car, that song on the radio, and the words of The Lord in my heart pretty often.  God gave me a son.  And I do love being his mother.  It doesn't matter how he got here - what matters is that he's here to stay.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

If you're struggling with this - as a parent or a child - please know there is hope.  And there is help.  I am available to speak in private if you ever want to share the struggle. 

Step Parents

Closing the Gap

Any step parents out there?  How about children with step parents?  Anyone thinking of becoming a blended family?

Almost ten years ago, I married an amazing man who made life better, made me better, made the life of my children better.  And in an instant, I became a stepmom.  To five children.  Ages 16, 15, 14, 11, and 7.  Not to mention that my two little girls were 6 and 3.  It was a crazy, full, terrifying and beautiful time of learning to live the blended family life.  I like to joke that we were The Brady Bunch, without the much-needed Alice.

I won't lie.  I hate the term "stepmom."  It conjures up images of Disney's Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty - poor innocent children treated heinously by evil, wicked women who were so jealous of those precious babes, they could only plot ways to get rid of them.  Isn't that a pretty picture?  Not exactly how I'd like to be referred, and yet, here I am.  Over the years, I've made a conscious effort not to live up to any of the dreaded movie imagery.  But I know I've fallen into the much more common "you're not my real mom" moments.  Oh, they've always been smart enough not to say it.  But I know it's been thought.  Or said when I'm wasn't in the room.

It was a hard role to step into (no pun intended).  It was much easier for my husband.  My girls had no recollection of ever having a father and so he was able to pick up the pieces of their yearning hearts and be the hero.  (He later adopted them, but that's another story.)  I, on the other hand, felt like an intruder.  I never once tried to replace their "real" mother, but I was a real mother too!  I may not have had them from birth, but I had them in my home.  I was cooking and cleaning and shopping and transporting.  I was breaking up fights, going to appointments, helping with homework, administering medicine, giving hugs and kisses, offering advice, and doling out consequences.  I sure felt like a "real" mom.  Those were some hard years - doing the work, but never quite feeling like you were getting all the credit.  It wasn't their fault.  I know they felt loyalty to their mother.  And I know they (eventually) felt....some positive emotional equivalent for me.  But I struggled.

And then one day, a most obvious but often missed ideology in scripture jumped out at me: there are no stepparents in the Bible.  Not one.

If anyone had the right to use the "not my real dad" argument, it was Jesus.  He was the Son of God (John 20:31)!  But despite not being Joseph's biological son (Matthew 1:19-20), Jesus grew up recognizing Joseph as His earthly father.  Throughout the second chapter of Luke, scriptures are full of the terms such as "the child's father and mother" (vs 33), "Jesus' parents" (vs 41), "his parents" (vs 43, 48), and "Your father and I" (vs 48).  Notice that Joseph is referred to first when both he and Mary are listed.  Joseph was not only accepted by the unsuspecting community as Jesus' father, he was accepted by Jesus Himself as His father.

And it went both ways.  Not only did Jesus consider Joseph His father, Joseph considered Jesus his son.  In Matthew 13:55, the locals of Nazareth ask, "Isn't this the carpenter's son?"  And in Mark 6:3, they say, "Isn't this the carpenter?" In those days, it was customary for the father to teach his trade to his son.  The Bible clearly states that Jesus was known to be a carpenter, just as Joseph was.  Clear evidence that Joseph considered Jesus his son and taught Jesus the family business.

There are no separate designations for biological and step.  No subcategory of "real" and "not real."  The parent who was filling the role was....the parent!  And Jesus other title?  Son of Man (Luke 9:56).

And, from the beginning, this was the plan of the Father Himself.  He hand selected Joseph to oversee the rearing of His only begotten Son.  God knew that Jesus would need an earthly father to raise Him in customs and values as well as in faith and obligations.  God took His most precious Child and placed Him - on purpose - into the life of a man who would never be His biological father, but who would give Him everything He needed in order to grow into the Man God destined Christ to be.

Whoa!!!  Did you get that?

Now I'm not saying I'm as special as Joseph.  My integrity and righteousness is found lacking many days.  And I'm certainly not drawing any parallels between Jesus and any of my seven children.  But I will tell you, this thought process gave me chills.  To think that, despite the tragedy of divorce, God could chose to use me as a blessing to other children was humbling and exhilarating. Instead of seeing myself as a "wanna be real mom," I was able to see myself as someone hand picked to help raise these children.  I might not be the Disney evil stepmother, but they were certainly the innocent victims of the situation.  In that moment, I realized my spiritual role to this blended family.

I want to encourage any of you who find yourself parenting children from someone else's womb/loins:  that's not what makes you a parent.  Just as there are infertile adoptive parents and biologically inept parents, it is the love and care and tenderness that makes you a parent.  It is the holding and scolding that makes you a parent.  It is the intentional placing of you within the family that makes you a parent.  In every sense of the word - you being the parent to ANY child is INTENTIONAL.  You were hand picked!  That means you have a role and a responsibility.  But it also means you have a place in that child's life.   On purpose.

A few years into our marriage, one of the children moved in with us full time.  A year later, he moved back in with his mother.  A year after that, he moved back into our home permanently.  That day was in October 2007.  I'll never forget it because The Lord reaffirmed that He had a purpose for me.  He told me that day, "I have placed this child in your home twice now.  There's a reason I want him living with you.  I hand picked you to be his mom."

There are days being his mom drives me crazy, but no crazier than any of the other kids.  There are days when being his mom makes me so proud I could cry, but no prouder than any of the other kids.  But there is never a day that I don't feel like his "real" mom.  He may not have been born of my flesh, but he has most certainly been born of my heart.