Staying on your side
There's a popular saying that "The grass is greener on the other side." It means that your side isn't good enough, will never measure up, and you will always be missing that 'something special' that the other person has clearly found for themselves. It's a nagging reminder of your inferior state of being in the lackluster life you've settled for. It's also a challenge - to dump the life you have, jump the fence, and get that perfect (blank) you've been eying.
Maybe it's a career, an education, a fancy car or house; but most often it's a relationship. It's that greener grass of a younger woman who is willing to have fun and hasn't let herself go after having kids like your wife has. It's the man who is willing to spend time and money on you instead of being at the office all the time like your husband is. It's the woman who understands how awful it must be for you as a husband to have a nagging wife who doesn't appreciate you and says she would never treat you that way. It's the man who smiles at you and notices your new haircut and compliments your outfit after your husband didn't notice.
But then there's another saying:
Also worded like this:
This is a nice little counter to the first phrase. This variation reminds a person that there might be more to the greener grass; there might be some personal responsibility - even accountability - involved. It sounds like a very practical piece of advice for the daydreamer's dilemma: Water your grass and your side of the fence will be just as green!
I'd like to disagree.
While I agree that 'watering your grass' is imperative to having greener grass (in keeping with the relationship analogy here), I don't think that's enough. Here's a personal example:
When we bought our house last summer, we had a beautiful lawn. And being that we're the second house in the neighborhood, my husband is insistent that we keep it pristine. Looking good enough isn't good enough. We have an irrigation system and so we learned how to set the timer and we watered our grass all summer and into the fall. We matched our neighbors - no greener grass on the other side here! Once freezing temperatures hit, we winterized our sprinkler system and slowly watched as all the grass turned brown. Of course, so did our neighbors. So at least we matched.
Fast forward a rough twelve weeks into Spring. The grass was green again and even needed to be mowed. We turned on our watering schedule again and thought we were done. But then the dandelions popped up. Dainty little yellow buds that left spots of color all over the backyard, in addition to the lettuce-looking leaves that came with them. And then a clover patch took over a large square of our front yard. Little cotton balls of white that just spread with the watering. To make matters worse, we had two ant hills that had appeared. Our grass was green, but it was also infested!
Remember my husband who wouldn't take good enough? He immediately began doing online research and making phone calls for landscaping companies who could solve the problems. However, upon learning that they wanted $500+ for less than six months of care, he had to look for other solutions. I got to work pulling weeds. On hands and knees, I pulled dandelions up by the roots, I shoveled stubborn roots out of the dirt, and I hand raked vines of clover out of the yard. It took a couple hours, and about three times to get it all. Every week, more would pop up, but it was never as many as had been there before. My husband went out and bought a high end weed and feed fertilizer and grass seed combination something or other and spread it across the yard. Although raking clover out by the roots had left a bare patch in the yard, the new grass sprouted quickly and filled in the empty spaces. He also bought insecticide and covered the yard with that as well.
But a funny thing happened.
As the new grass sprouted, it came in fuller. But not just fuller; it came in greener. And not just greener; it came in as an entirely new kind of grass. Suddenly the yard we were trying to keep looking like the neighbors looked better than the neighbors! Could it be that we had become the "greener grass on the other side?"
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| Our grass with the neighbor's in the background |
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| Other side, other neighbor |
Let's go back to our analogy: I said I disagreed with the solution that watering your own grass would make your yard just as green. I have proof that it takes more than that. It takes more than the bare minimum to keep up with the neighbors. It takes more than "good enough" to ensure that your grass stays green. Oh, you might get green grass, but you're going to get the weeds and the clover and maybe even insects. So who cares if your grass is green? Do you enjoy looking at it? Do you want to go put your feet in it? Can you trust walking barefoot among the ant hills? Who says green grass is enough?
You want green grass - it's going to take hard work. You're going to have to pull the weeds and rake the clover. Over and over and over until you get it all. You're going to have to get to the root of the problems whether it's about the kids, the work schedule, the chores, the insults, the heartaches, the letdowns, whatever. You're going to have to work.
You want green grass - it's going to leave bare places. Once those roots are pulled up, it's going to leave an empty space that's going to need filled. You're going to have to fill it with something healthy - something that should have been there all along. Maybe it will be spending quality time together. Maybe it will be speaking words of affirmation and love to one another. Maybe it will be just holding each other tight with no words at all. You're going to have to fill the bare places.
You want green grass - it's going to cost you. You're going to have to invest in things you didn't think you'd need. You're going to have to spend time, money, energy (or all three) to get the results you want. It might be staying home instead of going out with friends so the two of you have only each other to pay attention to. It might be having the hard conversations - the deep, gut-wrenching, but healing conversations - that leads to better understanding. It might be going to counseling to get the kind of help you need but aren't equipped to do yourself. You're going to have to pay the cost.
Just as I can now compare my yard to my neighbors' yards and see that watering isn't enough, you might need to look at the "greener grass" next to you and realize that what you are coveting isn't really what you need. In fact, if you looked closely, it may not even be what you
want. Somewhere there are hidden weeds. Oh, they might have pretty flowers on them, but they're still weeds. Some of them even have a vine structure that spreads out and contaminates everything around it. And somewhere there are hidden ant hills or fleas or maybe a mole. And what you thought was so much better ends up being more trouble than you bargained for.
The saddest thing about looking at what someone else has is that you fail to see what you already possess. All your yard needs is some TLC and you'd have the yard of your dreams. You're tempted to believe the lie that comes with looking beyond what is already yours and you think you'll never have to put forth any effort to keep the other grass in it's green condition. You couldn't be further from the truth - all yards need work. Work to maintain, work to nurture, work to flourish. What you see is maintenance; what you want is flourishing.
Your yard might be in really bad shape right now. You might think the work is too hard. The bare places are too many. The cost is too high. Maybe you think it's a lost cause. I can assure you that if you think repairing your yard is too much, acquiring a different yard will not be any better. The work may be different, but you will still have work to do. The bare places may be fewer, but they will need filled nonetheless. The cost may seem lower, but in the end, it will really take everything you're worth - and then some.
Reconsider. Re-evaluate. Reseed!
And if all that fails, there's still hope!
You can always re-sod!
