"It Must Be Nice"

You have no idea, but I know what you mean

“It must be nice to not work.”

“It must be nice to have insurance pay for that.”

“It must be nice to be rich.”

“It must be nice to be retired.”

“It must be nice to have no kids in the house.”

“It must be nice to have a good husband.”

These are all things I’ve had said to me multiple times in my life. I don’t know why people feel the need to express their thoughts (envy? bitterness?) in this way. I wish they’d stop. But more than that, I wish they knew how wrong they are. I'm not often this confrontational in my writing, but I really think this is something that needs to be addressed.

“It must be nice to not work.” I don’t work because a disability and a broken system prevent me from working. I’ve had years of pain and lost mobility and surgeries in my future. You have no idea I have crawled across the floor because it hurt too much to walk.  I have been unable to pick up my newborn because my hands were too weak to hold her safely. I have used a shopping cart as a walker. I’ve been told I’m faking it. I’ve had a doctor tell me if I need a handicap placard that badly, then I should just get joint replacements instead of a piece of plastic for my car. You think I don’t want to work? Share my ideas? Be a part of a team? Be given accolades and promotions for my successes? You think it’s fun to have talents and have no outlet to use them? But yeah, I know what you mean.

“It must be nice to have insurance pay for that.” My insurance helps to pay for very expensive medicine that makes it possible for me to live a life that looks as “normal” as possible. You have no idea it allows me to not be in a wheelchair. It allows me to drive. It allows me to do mundane chores instead of hiring someone to help. And it costs us money every month to pay for that insurance. But yeah, I know what you mean.

“It must be nice to be rich.” I’m not sure what the definition of “rich” is, but apparently we’ve arrived. And I laugh at this the most because it’s not even close to the truth. We raised seven kids. We paid child support for years. We spent years counting pennies. Our kids didn’t get family vacations. They didn’t get a car when they turned 16. There were no college funds for them. You have no idea we instead spent five years figuring it out so my husband could finish his degrees. We moved a lot for job opportunities. We paid off debt. We said “no” to fun and “yes” to responsibly. We sold things to have money to pay for kids’ gifts and field trips and yearbooks. And now those kids are raised and we have an even tighter budget. But because we have some nice things, we’re rich? Few people saw the struggles. They only see today. It took sacrifice to get here. We aren’t rich. We’re trying to be smart. But yeah, I know what you mean.

“It must be nice to be retired.” My husband is ten years older than me. So I’m reaping the benefits of retirement life sooner than some of my peers. But it’s not without its own consequences. You have no idea that our income changed dramatically. We had to make decisions for twenty and thirty years from now and hope we’re choosing correctly. We had to find a new routine. We had to adjust to all of our time being together. It is nice to be retired. And it can be boring and lonely and annoying. But yeah, I know what you mean. 

“It must be nice to have no kids in the house.” Our kids. This is such a complex, loaded, emotional topic. When they’re little and you’re sleep deprived and they’re sick all the time and you don’t know if they’ll need therapy after all the mistakes you think you're making on a daily basis...you can’t wait for them to be grown. And teenagers are a test for sure. But what people don’t know is that there were years of having more kids than bedrooms. There were more birthdays than budget. There were more mouths than groceries. You have no idea we had years of distance as some of them needed space to work through their own experiences. We haven’t had all seven kids in the same place for almost fifteen years. So while I enjoy the relationships I have with my adult children - and it’s nice to have time alone just me and my husband - I long for the days when we were all under one roof. When we could drive each other crazy and still smile at sleeping heads before doing it all again the next day. I’d love a Thanksgiving with every one of my children around the table. But yeah, I know what you mean.

“It must be nice to have a good husband.” I’ll tell you, it’s not nice having a good husband. It’s AMAZING!!! But the people who say this to me don’t know the pain I went through to get him. The lies, the infidelity, the refusal to work, the rejection of my small children, the anger, the harassment. You want a good husband my way? You have no idea what I went through! You’ll need to leave with nothing and live in low income housing. You’ll need to get food stamps. You’ll need to have no car for months. You’ll have to have a very limited support group in a small town with few resources. You’ll need to go to court over and over and over to prove lies against you have no merit. And you’ll have to explain to your children why the man who created them wants nothing to do with them. It was NOT nice going through those years. But yeah, I know what you mean. 

What you mean is “It’s not fair that I see you having/doing/being whatever I feel is missing in my life.” 

What you mean is “I want to make you feel guilty for what you have and where you are.”

What you mean is “It never occurred to me that you have a story of pain and struggle that might make me think differently if I cared enough to ask and listen instead of put my fear of failure onto you.”

I don’t owe anyone an explanation of my life. And yet I feel obligated to explain when people make these flippant remarks about my life. I feel obligated because I have tried to use every bit of my life to not only encourage others, but to also show them that I can relate because I have been there. I do not gloat in my material possessions. I glory in my journey. The Lord walked with me through every one of my difficulties and used them to grow my faith in Him. And He grew my compassion. My perspective. My ability to look for the silver lining. Nothing I’ve gone through has been wasted.

But what strikes me the most is that many of these statements come from people who have not experienced going hungry or getting divorced or having estranged children or learning to live with a disability. How sad is it to make a comment that can cut so deep with no depth of awareness. 

“It must be nice to be employed.”

“It must be nice to be healthy.”

“It must be nice to have everything you need.”

“It must be nice to have the same job for forty years.”

“It must be nice to have your children nearby.”

“It must be nice to never have been divorced.”

These are things I’ve never said. Never once in all of my lack did I ever look at others and think that what they had was undeserved just because I didn’t have the same. The two are not connected. 

I’m sure some people say it and never give it another thought. There was no intended malice. But the damage is done nonetheless. So if you’re reading this and you’ve made a comment like this, stop it. It’s judgmental and trite and unnecessary. Instead, be excited for them. Ask them their story. Listen more and keep score less.

If you’re in a season (or two) of doing without, I want you to know you aren’t alone. There are things that can be growing you now if you’ll let them. Your compassion, your perseverance, your faith: things that cannot be measured by the world’s standard of riches. In those dark moments, do not forget to look for the silver lining.

 

“I have a place to sleep.”

“My kids are healthy.”

“I’m safe.”

“I have a friend.”

“I have Jesus.”

These are things I have had to tell myself.  I had many times I would remind myself of the good I had even in the midst of my circumstances. Even if it’s only one thing, I promise you have something good right now.

Don't be ashamed of where you are. In the struggle or on the other side, you own it. You keep working toward improving yourself and your situation. Do not let anyone guilt you for successes, big or small. We need more people like us who can overcome and see the world through a lens of gratitude instead of envy.

Why Won't Everyone Go to Heaven?

It's really not that complicated.

It seems there's always been a misconception about heaven:  if I'm a good person and God is a good god, then of course I'm going to heaven!  I've heard this from family members, acquaintances, strangers, Hollywood, books, and the media.  What I find most fascinating is that I've even heard it mentioned in one form or another at funerals for people who didn't really believe in an afterlife.  How in the world does one gain access to heaven without believing there's a heaven to go to?  But that's not a question for today.

Today I want to give you a really easy understanding as to why not everyone will enter heaven.  It's so simple, even elementary children can follow the logic.

Picture your neighborhood.  All the houses on all the streets, from the front of the neighborhood to the back.  Most of us know a few neighbors.  We might even be friends with a few.  How many houses in your neighborhood can you just walk into?  I don't mean knocking and hearing "come in."  I mean uninvited or unannounced.  In all the houses I've ever lived in, I cannot think of one house in my neighborhoods that I could just go to and walk in at any time of day, for any reason.

Now, is there someone's home that you can walk into without calling ahead or knocking?  My son
still has a key and a garage door opener despite living several states away.  If he wanted to surprise us, he could.  I no longer live in the same town as my mom, but when I did, I could drive to her home and walk in as if I lived there.

What's the difference between these two situations?

Relationship.

The ability to walk into a home not only requires relationship, it requires a level of intimacy.  The person living there must know you.  And you must know them.  There's more than just a casual connection.  There's more between you than just a common neighborhood.  It's a bond built on history together.  And whether you're related by dna, marriage, or decades of friendship, you're family.

That is how heaven works.  You cannot walk into God's home unless you have a relationship with Him through His Son, Jesus.  You cannot enter into His home unless you are family as His child by accepting Christ as your Savior.  Just as I would never allow a stranger to just casually walk into my living room to sit with my children, God does not allow just anyone to walk into His presence.  It doesn't matter if the person is nice, attractive, wealthy, famous, or generous; no stranger is coming into my home uninvited.

Yet many think that they good works they do will be the key that opens the pearly gates.  They're counting on their list of positive deeds to outweigh their list of negative behaviors.  Unfortunately, there are not enough good works to erase all the negative stuff we do throughout our lives.  That is why Jesus was sent - to take our place and do the one "good deed" we need to wipe out the list of all our evil deeds.  Because He left His home, we have the opportunity to join Him in it.

1 Corinthians 6:9 says, "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit [enter] the kingdom of God [heaven]?"  There has to be a way to make us righteous - morally right and justified in the eyes of a Holy God.

Ephesians 2:8-9 clarifies that "by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing; it is a gift of God not a result of works, so that no one may boast."  So we need to be made righteous in the eyes of God, but works doesn't' do it.  So what does?

In John 14:6, Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through Me."  Only through Jesus can we be made righteous!  Only through Jesus is heaven opened to us.  Only He is the key to salvation and an eternity with Him.  The alternative is an eternity without Him.

There is no house you can enter uninvited anywhere in the world without having a relationship with the person inside.  How much more must God protect His home?  But He has made a way for each of us if we will only accept it.






For more analogies like this, see The Poop in the Brownies Part 1 and Part 2.

Is This Really YOUR Journey???

When being told that "your journey is your own" isn't right...

Recently we had company for a big event in our family's life.  People traveled from several states away to be with us to celebrate.  It's usually an eight hour drive.  Expecting our guests in a couple of hours, I called to see where they were.

Me:  "Are you through Jacksonville yet?"
Them:  "We didn't go through Jacksonville."
"You didn't? So are you at least past Tallahassee?"
"We didn't go through Tallahassee.  We got off the interstate and took a highway."
"Ok, so where are you?"
"Somewhere in Georgia."

I'll save you the rest of the conversation and fill you in on the highlights.  Instead of following GPS, they decided to take a random exit to a highway.  They told me they were 20 minutes from the interstate they needed to be on to get to my house.  When they finally passed a sign that told them the next town, I found it on my GPS and informed them that they were not 20 minutes from the interstate - they were an hour from the interstate.  Instead of being 2 hours from my house, they were FOUR hours from my house. So now an 8 hour drive was going to take them ten.  (In reality, it took them twelve.)

There is a movement among some people to use a particular phrase to encourage others not to worry about the life they are living.  It's packaged in pretty words and lovely backgrounds to be shared and posted and repeated at social events.  It sounds deep and mature so it is believed and trusted and given more value than it deserves.  And while I completely understand the surface platitude that "we each have our own life to live and no life is going to look identical to someone else's," I believe there is great damage being done in allowing this "journey" movement to be so quickly and easily accepted.

Have you ever gone down a one way street...the wrong way?  Every city that has a downtown area is made up of numerous one way streets.  It never fails that I end up turning left when I should have turned right.  Thankfully, I've never caused an accident.  And I've learned that if I'd just set my GPS - and follow it! - that I'd make the right (pun intended) turn every time.  Because GPS is designed to lead you in the right direction. And I know mistakes are possible.  Detours, construction, delayed updates to the system all interfere with navigation systems.  But overall, GPS works like it's supposed to. To add insult to injury, I've even turned the wrong way when I've had a passenger telling me exactly where to go.  Against real and technical advice, I've done my own thing - and failed.

So back to my guests.  They had GPS.  In fact, they had three smart phones between them and three people keeping track of the directions.  We had also given them directions, advising them of the exact exit to take. But one person decided to override our advice and the GPS, saying that they knew better.  The driver listened and you know the rest.  We did not lead them wrong.  GPS never would have led them that way. But they thought they knew where they were going.

I'd like to suggest that many "journeys" that some people are on are not some special path set out just for them by destiny, but are instead roads they found themselves on after failing to listen to those who advised them and getting off the GPS set of directions.
              *Failing out of college
              *Getting fired due to behavior
              *Having an affair
              *Pregnancy out of wedlock
              *Drug/Alcohol addiction
              *Some form of "self discovery"
             
This isn't an exhaustive list, but it's a few things I've watched people I know go through and their loved ones pass it off as "just a part of their journey."  Not only is that untrue, it is harmful!  I can't think of one time in my years as a parent that I have hoped the life my child would lead would include any one of those things on that list.  I can't think of any child who writes an elementary paper about "What I want to be when I grown up" and includes any of those things on that list.  Those things are never in anyone's plans because they're not a part of the intended journey!  They become a part of the journey when specific choices are made.

I know what some of you are thinking because my guests said the same thing:  but going off the beaten path is scenic!  It's less crowded!  There's more adventure!  I agree with all of those things.  My son graduated from The Citadel where the unofficial title of the school is "The Road Less Traveled."  Believe me, I understand the benefits to not following the crowd and looking for adventure.  But I'm talking about using the word "adventure" to describe avoidable chaos.  I'm talking about using a phrase to excuse what should be unacceptable behaviors.  I'm talking about people failing to be accountable for their actions because "it's part of their own special journey."

So what happens when you choose to take a left turn - not because it's a chance to do something good, but because you're breaking the rules and being defiant?  Yes, the road is scenic and exciting and fills you with joy.  There is less traffic and fewer people to hassle you about your choices. But at some point reality is going to hit.
             *There are fewer people to hassle you and tell you what to do, but there are also fewer people to help you.  When you start looking around and the only people with you are the ones who made the same poor choice you did, you start to realize you don't have a good support system.  Had my guests needed help on the empty highway of their choice, they may have found themselves stranded for a while - or with the kind of "help" they'd rather not had.
              *With less traffic, there is a decreased necessity of resources.  Deciding you've made a poor choice and wanting help is great, but if there's nowhere to turn, you're in trouble.  How do you get yourself out of the mess you're in without the right assistance?  My guests had to hope they found a gas station out there in the middle of nowhere before they ran out of gas.  Restaurants, hotels, and mechanics are hard to come by when you go off the beaten path.  These are basic necessities of travel and they chose to put themselves in a situation that took them away from those things.
             *Taking a left and traveling into an area that isn't the best one doesn't just affect you.  It will also affect your passengers (a spouse who cheats, a parent who is fired, a teenager with an addiction - they all affect those within the home).  They didn't ask to take this "journey" with you, but they're stuck on it now.  They have no other choice but to ride it out and hope to get back to civilization.  And what about those on the other side?  Those who are waiting for you, expecting you, watching time pass and not knowing where you are or how you're doing?  They are affected too.  They worry and hope and pray and cry and get angry.  Their lives are affected and some of their plans have to be changed because of your selfishness.  My guests gave no concern over the fact that we expected them to travel and arrive at a particular time.  We had a weekend full of events and they had been invited to join us.  But their flippant decision meant we had to rearrange our schedules to accommodate their delay.  And it never occurred to them the discord they caused us as well.
             *With hard work, a lot of time, and maybe even a u-turn, let's say you finally arrive at your destination.  But with all the added time and energy, you're worn out and exhausted. Some people would say, "as long as you arrived, who cares how you got there?"  Is that how you want to travel life?  Worn out and exhausted from constantly correcting preventable poor choices and mistakes?  With a trail of loneliness and bad memories you could have spared yourself?  Our guests missed out on hours of extra time with us because they wanted to do what they wanted to do.

Every life will suffer heartache and loss, tragedy and pain.  But to bring those things upon yourself - an extra dose of heartache and loss - is an entirely new level of tragedy.  My guests traveled a total of twelve hours for an eight hour trip because they made a mistake.  They didn't take the suggestions set out for them to have the best outcome.  In believing they knew better than those who had gone before them, they put themselves at risk.  And worse, even after realizing their mistake, they continued to travel the road deeper and deeper into the unknown.

We are created to crave adventure and seek out new things.  But the journey we are on is one of discovering our purpose and our Creator.  It is not intended to be a journey of self.  A journey of self will only teach you that we are all the same in our hearts - longing to be different, but failing to be so.  However, a journey of seeking after God will show us that we are special and called to use that specialness with others, for others.  By convincing ourselves that our journey is unique, we take away the uniqueness.  People need to know that they are not alone in this life.  They need to know that they are not the only ones to feel a particular way.  Your struggle is important to share with others because others are struggling too.  And most of the time, the hopes and dreams and goals and advice your loved ones have for you is not for themselves - it is their desire to see you live your best life.  Instead of turning your back on them, trust them!

Don't get caught up in the lie that no one can tell you about your journey.  While there is no one else like you, there is so much that those around you have to offer to enrich your life.  And you have so much to offer them!  Taking yourself down your own "journey" is detrimental to everyone. Lean on each other.  Trust each other.  Recognize that what you do and the choices you make matter far after the decision is made.  Live your life walking the road with each other. It will often lead you to a wonderful destination.