There's a great song by Hawk Nelson called "Words." It describes the different ways words impact us on a daily basis, bringing either pain or hope. It's a great song that has resonated with so many because we've all been on the receiving end of painful words. And lately I've been pondering words. Or more specifically, the results of words. They're funny things - sounds and syllables placed together in a particular order that then have different meanings when strung together in different orders. Fascinating really, our ability to communicate and share ideas and thoughts and feelings all with our words. But there's a dark side to all we say. There's a great divide and deep cuts that come with words that is often ignored and excused. And that's where I've been in my thoughts lately.
Recently, I've been able to watch several situations come about because of hurtful words. Someone very close to me has been dealing with bullying on a near daily basis from more than a handful of attackers. Words about appearance and intellect cut the deepest, although they aren't the only insults. The ugliness spewed has left nasty scars and serious wounds. There's nothing to see on the outside, save a dimmer and less frequently seen smile, slumped shoulders, and a failing attempt to "get over it and be okay." The tears are saved for when no one is looking. The internal dialogue agreeing with the hateful bullies is almost worse than the original onslaught. The mental anguish of feeling helpless to change or improve to the standards the bullies have set leave a new level of failure to measure against. It breaks my heart, and I'm doing my best to help this beautiful person heal.
The sad truth is, many of these bullies wouldn't believe they are really bullies at all. They think they're funny or "just playin'!" Everyone else laughed, so they can't possibly be a bully, right? There's been no pushing or punching, so no bullying...right? "Names can never hurt me" chants of childhood ring in their memories so they excuse themselves from the guilt of inflicting unbearable pain. All the while, a chorus of words plays on repeat in the minds of the victim. Words of judgment and expectation and failure that continue over and over in a monotonous hum that won't even be drowned out by crying.
I was also recently a witness to a conversation that took place in the very public eye of social media, the ever popular place of sharing opinions and drawing war lines with those who have differing points of view. A statement was shared; a concern about that statement was offered; that concern was rebuffed. In a matter of hours, there was a friendship lost and several others barely hanging on. All because the words exchanged were thrown about with little care for where they landed. Slashes were made, blood drawn, and the bandaids offered were not accepted. It was painful to watch.
Several months ago, I decided to try to keep my focus on the childhood rule - "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." It's a good rule, keeping my mouth from flippantly tossing insults or gossip or speaking at the expense of others. I was doing a bible study and was reminded of Matthew 12:36 where Jesus says, "But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken." That was sobering. Not only do I need to watch my words of insults and gossip, but I am to include every word that is unnecessary, wasteful, divisive, and self-edifying (empty). And to make it even worse, those words I've previously uttered (by my mouth or by my hand) have already been written down by the God Who has heard them all. That was gut wrenching.We waste too many of our words on things that don't matter. We talk about the weather and pets and what we had for dinner. We make sure others know about our dreams and our successes and our accolades, leaving no room for them to share their lives too.
And we waste too many opportunities to use words that do matter. We see someone struggling and think "glad it's not me" instead of reaching out to them. We see someone going through a mess and want to hear all the dirty details instead of offering to help them through it. We see someone hurting and we pile on more hurt instead of relieving some of the burden.
The bible has a lot to say about words:
*The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences. (Proverbs 18:21)
*A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)
*For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned. (Matthew 12:37)
*It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person. (Matthew 15:11)
As Christians, it is especially important for us to keep these scriptures close:
*If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless. (James 1:26)
*Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29)
*May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)
The bible tells us that every person will be held accountable for their words. But I believe that we, as followers of Christ, have a greater responsibility to keep our words pure and loving. We are to reflect and share the love of Jesus with those around us - how can we show His love when we are failing to be loving? How can we show His compassion when we fail to be compassionate? How can we show His forgiveness when we fail to be forgiving?
I have been the target of many insensitive and even hateful words. I have been "put in my place" and told "where I can go" because I've been different or thought differently. But I have also been the mastermind behind some insensitive and hateful words. Sometimes I was misunderstood and taken out of context and not given the opportunity to explain. Other times, many times, I was intentional in my ugly words. And to the best of my knowledge, I have attempted to make amends and apologize to those I've injured. But the memory is there. The scar might fade, but the memory might rear up every now and then and they think, "I remember what you said. I still remember that hurt me." For that, I am eternally sorry. I can't make it any better than I have already tried.
But I can do better. I can remember that my words matter. I can remember that my words are meant to be used for good and to show love. And so are yours! Take inventory of the way you speak. Pay attention to the words you say or write or type. They're finding a target somewhere. Our aim is usually very good and if we're going to hit someone with what we say, then let it be with something that will make them smile, or feel important, or feel treasured. I have a folder of saved things from my husband. Things he's said or written to me so I can pull them out and read them whenever I want. And they always make me laugh or smile and just love him even more. That is the kind of internal dialogue we should be giving people. Moments to recall when they were complimented or told how special they are to us. Those playing over and over on a continuous reel do so much more healing than you can imagine.
"Finally, brothers and sisters,
whatever is true, whatever is noble,
whatever is right, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is
admirable
--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--
think about such
things."
(Philippians 4:8)
And when you're done thinking on those things, SPEAK THOSE THINGS!
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