Falling out of love...
I recently came across a public post that shared a question from a reader. This person was in a 25+ year marriage and was looking for validation that it was ok to end the marriage. The main reason? This person no longer "felt in love" with their spouse. I was compelled to comment. And because I know that so much of what we each go through also parallels what others are going through, I hope that perhaps my insights would be beneficial to you, my readers, as well.
Years of marriage, and you don't "feel" in love anymore? Let's talk about feelings. I can feel alone, even when I'm not. I can feel like I could fly, when I know I can't. If I watch a scary movie and get freaked out, I don’t stay scared for years. If I go to a concert and get energized and enthusiastic, I don’t stay that way for weeks. Why is the “feeling” of love any different?
Because we're sold a lie that says it's different. Movies, songs, books...they all show us that there is one soulmate for each of us, coming into our lives to make it better than it could have ever been without them. Never evolving or diminishing over time - but rather increasing in its romance and mind-reading skills so that two lovers must never put any work into a relationship because you'll feel loved and cherished and known every day if it's the right person. The Notebook, anyone? Time Traveler's Wife? Twilight saga???
Lies! All lies!!! Butterflies in your belly at the beginning of a new relationship are an indication of the newness in meeting a stranger, often based on excitement and lust. Those fade as we trust one another and become comfortable with each other. Then the daily commitment comes. Those feelings we all crave, the excitement of a stranger's touch or a wink from an attractive acquaintance, that is what drives many spouses to cheat. They miss the feelings they first had with the one they married so they're looking to find them again, not realizing they are temporary emotions that will fade with any relationship. We cannot base our decisions on feelings!
Do you always feel like going to work? Do you feel like filing taxes? Do you feel like showering every day? And what about children (if you have any) - kids are exhausting and expensive and annoying and time consuming. Do you feel differently about them after a few years? I’d say no. Because with all the stress they bring, they also bring so much joy and pride and value. As I’m sure your spouse does. Listen, I've mentioned a time or two that my husband and I were both married before. We each had a spouse who refused to ignore the temporary feelings they had for others they were not married to. That created many problems in both of our marriages and they finally ended. So I speak from experience. Both spouses have to fight against the "I don't feel in love with you anymore" and fight for the relationship that you desire to have. Marriage isn't about feeling happy or content or excited every moment. Sometimes there are hard months. Maybe even hard years. But marriage isn't built upon emotions. It's built upon trust and commitment and common ground. It's built in the trenches as well as in the tidal pools. Relationships go through highs and lows, and they cannot be solved by feelings. Feelings create a foundation of quicksand that will topple even the best intentions of the best people.
Solid foundations can still be established if you're willing to put in the work. Just as a house can have a foundation repaired years after it was built, so can a marriage. If you find that you identify too well with this conversation, there are some things you have to choose to do. You have to refocus on your spouse's attributes that are positive and beneficial to you and your family. Remember what drew you to him or her in the beginning. Why did you ask to marry her? Why did you tell him yes? What are the strengths that they bring to the marriage? How can you encourage them to be your partner again? Build upon those things. Encourage those things. The feelings can absolutely return; only this time, they will be deep and dependable and honest because they are based on a committed love of one another, not a fleeting feeling of attractive love that society advertises but never sells.
My father once gave me some of the greatest words of advice I've needed over and over in my life: Your head should lead your heart. Our hearts are fickle and ever-changing. What we liked yesterday, we hate today. Be in control of your emotions. Own them. But don’t make a permanent decision based on a feeling that was never intended to last the duration of our lives.