Truth?...or Love?

Which one should we be choosing?

Just for fun, let's me give you an example.  I can't possibly be the only person who's ever tried this:  your dog is sitting there, looking at you with those dark puppy dog eyes.  His tail is wagging in anticipation of...anything.  And you start talking to him.  You coo and talk like a baby; you grin and laugh - but your words don't match your tone.  "There's my bad dog!  Oh yes you are!  What a bad dog you are!  Don't you wag your tail, you bad dog!"  Now change it:  you are stern and angry, frowning and pointing - but your words don't match your tone.  "You good boy.  Good boy!  Do you want a treat?  Do you?  What a good boy!"  Do you think the dog reacted to your words or your tone?  Did your dog hear truth?  Or love?

On the surface, it seems like an easy answer to the question "Which one should we be choosing:  truth or love?"  Some will say it's obviously truth we should choose because no one wants to be lied to.  Others will say it's clearly love we need more of because we all need to be more loving toward one another.  There's even scripture to back up each side:  "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32) and "...the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:13).

But it's not that simple.  It's not either/or - it's...and.

Let's apply this to an every day circumstance.  Consider a coworker whose cubicle is next to yours.  He wears too much cologne and it sends you into an asthma attack every morning.  On the other side of you, there's a lady who sings to every song on her radio, breaking your concentration. 

• Truth says to these people, "You reek!  Can't you tone it down so the rest of us don't have to suffer?  And you need to be quiet!  People are trying to work and you're distracting!"

• Love says to these people, "Wow, that's a great cologne.  No, it's not too strong.  Hey, you have a great voice.  I think everyone loves to hear you singing."

Let's apply this logic to raising kids. Imagine your child has been struggling with their grades.  You've found out that they are talking during class and don't always hear the assignments.  You go straight home, ready to have an effective conversation with your child.

• Truth says, "You need to stop talking to your friends!  Are you being lazy?  Can't you do the work?  What's wrong with you???"

• Love says, "Hey now, I know it's fun to talk in class.  But you need to pay attention to the teacher a little.  It would be good to get a couple assignments turned in every once in a while."

Now, let's take this back to scripture.  Think about sermons you've heard or "Christians" you've witnessed.  They often use two different tactics.

• Truth says, "You aren't worthy!  You're on a path to destruction!  You must do exactly what I say or else!"

• Love says, "Of course God loves you!  He wants you to be happy.  You're fine just the way you are.  Just be good and He will bless you."

Anyone else noticing a trend?  Too often, what it thought of as honesty is really an excuse to be tactless, blunt, hurtful, hateful, and a free pass to say what's really on your mind.  Even if there is truth to the words spoken, it's lost in the delivery.

And what is considered a loving approach is actually just a bunch of excuses used to relieve the other person of any accountability for their actions or behaviors.  The words might be spoken kindly, but they aren't doing the other person any good to hear them.
 
Ephesians 4:15 gives us a clear picture how to handle these situations:  "rather, speaking the truth in love...." It is only by putting the two concepts together that we can rightly handle any given situation.

Truth AND love tells the coworker, "I have asthma and your cologne, while nice, is really strong.  It makes me sick every day.  Could you not wear so much?"  "Maybe you don't notice, but when you sing, your voice carries.  It's distracting me from my work.  Could you please not sing so loud?"

Truth AND love tell the child, "I understand you want to talk to your friends, but you are to pay attention in class.  Your grades aren't where they need to be.  I know you're capable of doing better, so I want you to start listening and getting your assignments done on time."

Truth AND love tells the world, "God loves you so much He sent His Son Jesus to die for you when you didn't deserve it.  He accepts you where you are, but loves you too much to leave you that way.  Life won't magically get easier, but it will be full of grace and mercy and love and blessings."

(Truth AND love tells your dog that he's a good boy or he's in trouble.)

Too many times we pick one or the other, truth OR love.  In doing so, we leave out a vital part of the conversation.  I know I don't want to hear what anyone is telling me - even if they're right - if they aren't being compassionate and patient with me.  And while I appreciate a gentle tone and encouragement, if I'm not being told the truth, I really don't get any benefit from the fluff.

We need to realize the impact we are having on those around us when we lead with truth but forget our love.  We are inflicting invisible wounds that will take years to heal.  We are also pushing away any opportunity to build meaningful relationships.  While the old adage "the truth hurts" may be correct, it is also good to remember that "faithful are the wounds of a friend" (Proverbs 27:6).  If you must tell a hurtful truth, it's better received if the friendship is already well established.

We also need to realize the damage we are doing when we offer love without truth.  Whispered lies in a gentle voice with arms wrapped around shoulders can leave just as many invisible wounds.  True love doesn't want to hurt a person by being misleading or coy or passive. We are to "love our neighbor as we love ourselves" (Matthew 22:39).  If we don't want to be spoken to meanly or lied to in a soft voice, perhaps we should be careful not to find ourselves doing those same things to others.

John 13:34 says, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another."  To truly love another, we must love them with truth.  There is no choosing between the two.  They are so intricately intertwined that to separate them means to redefine each of them.  Love is condescending without truth; truth is cold without love.  

Be the person you want others to be to you.

Be the person you want to be.

Be the person God wants you to be, in Christ.