Dear Young Lady,
If I could go back to that season in life when you were questioning everything and searching for answers, I would do a better job of building you up. I would love you better and encourage you in your talents and gifts. I would push you to push yourself and be someone. I would tell you how important you are, how valuable. I would listen to your heart and understand that sometimes you just needed to vent. And then be held.
If I could go back to that time in our life, knowing then what I know now, I would have so much more wisdom to share with you. I like to think I'd be brave enough to say it in such a way that you would listen and take it to heart. Knowing the mistakes you made and the pain you suffered, I hope that I would be easier on you.
So here's my advice. It's years late and gathered from many trials and tears. But it's things I wish I had known or been told. I offer it now in the hopes that some other girl (or guy) will hear what no one else is telling them and be spared your heartache.
1. Other people's behavior is a reflection of their character, not yours. Sometimes it feels like a personal attack when someone treats you poorly. If it happens enough times, you start to believe you deserve it. You don't! Remember that sometimes hurting people hurt people and those that are treating you so badly have probably suffered their own personal tragedy. Pity them, pray for them, but don't put yourself down because of them. Someone insulting you is actually them speaking their own deepest fears out loud.
2. It doesn't matter if a person is a stranger or a family member - if they're toxic to your life, you have the right (and the responsibility to yourself) to limit your contact with them. It's not your job to fix them. It's not your job to make their life easier while they continue to hurt you. It's ok to put your safety first. And sometimes your safety isn't just physical. It can be emotional, mental, financial, or spiritual. I had to put distance between myself and a family member for a few years for my own well being. Once I made that decision, my life got a lot easier without them constantly in it.
3. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. We can all have a bad day (even a bad year). But people are who they are. Someone might fool you for a little while, but eventually they can't keep up the act any longer. The mask falls off and they reveal their true heart. No amount of excuses (yours or theirs) is going to change them. No amount of forgiveness is going to change them. No amount of crying, begging, or threatening is going to change them. Believe who they are and don't stay. A pile of poop in a pretty box is still a pile of poop.
4. Don't ignore the red flags. Sometimes a person isn't toxic. Sometimes a person is nice. But if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable with something they say or do, you need to pay attention to that. Your instinct is there to guide you and keep you from danger. Danger might be the guy who can't keep a job. Danger might be the guy who speaks nicely to you, but screams at the waitress. Danger might be the guy who tells you something you find inappropriate and uncomfortable. Don't ignore these things. He's trying to see what you'll put up with. What "isn't a big deal" now becomes a big deal later. Trust me.
5. Sex changes everything. Sadly, too many girls think that sex equals love. And it's the line guys use to convince you they care about you. But the magnitude that physical intimacy has on your life is nearly indescribable. There is science that shows the chemical bonds created between two people. But it's more. It's emotional attachment. It's offering a part of yourself that should only ever be offered to one person - the same person - forever. Because once that emotional connection is made, a girl feels that she's found "the one." It's a form of imprinting - a false sense of believing that this guy is always going to care for you the way you want him to. And a guy isn't thinking of love. He's just thinking of sex. It's an event. A moment. And then it's over. And you feel used and dirty. Until the next time he "loves" you and you believe him and he again takes what you freely offer. And when he walks away (and he will)....you are rejected in every way possible. He hasn't just walked away from your body; he has left your heart, your mind, your soul. He has walked away from you because you were not what he wanted forever. And a young girl's heart doesn't realize that until it's too late. Sex changes everything. When you are married, and your husband loves your heart and mind and soul...by the time he loves your body, you will know that he truly loves you for you. And then you become attached in a healthy emotional/physical relationship. Then you imprint the way you are supposed to. And it is beautiful.
6. "The one" will still be "the one" in 3-5 years. If a man wants you for you, he'll wait. He'll wait for sex, yes. But he'll also wait for you to get to know each other. He'll wait for you to accomplish goals. He'll wait for you to be ready to move forward. If you are supposed to be together, he will do whatever it takes to grow the relationship. And so will you. Because it can take years to grow up and know what you want. I learned the hard way that rushing a relationship out of fear of being alone will only leave you alone. Don't be afraid to give it time. The more you know about him (and him about you), the better you'll know if he's truly "the one."
7. Spend time investing in yourself. Instead of trying to find the person who "completes" you, focus on what will grow you up. Get your college degree, have a career, travel, take up a hobby or two, live life with some great girl friends. All of this will have to move down on the priority list after marriage and children. So don't be in such a rush to settle down. Enjoy the world around you. It will make you more well rounded, much more interesting, and it will broaden your circle of prospective suitors. I really wish I had known this at your age.
8. Figure out what you're looking for before you meet someone. The purpose of dating a guy and getting to know him is to find out if he's marriage potential. Dating is not hooking up. It shouldn't even be treated as casual. You're narrowing down what it is you want and need in a life long partner. So treat it seriously. Make a list of what you're looking for. You can tweak it as you mature, but it should include everything important to you: how he looks, his height, his personality. But be sure it also includes things like integrity, his ability to keep a job, he education background, his spending habits, his religion, his family background, etc. You should have some things you're willing to negotiate (you might prefer he not have tattoos, but if he has one and it's not offensive, it might be ok) as well as things you will not negotiate (drug use for instance). You will have a hard time determining if a man is right for you if you don't even know what you're looking for. This list will help you ask important questions that will impact any future life you may have with someone. It might not matter what kind of car he drives, but it will definitely matter if he never wants kids. Make a list and make it important to you!
9. Sometimes, no matter how many times you try, the other person just isn't ready. Whether it's reconciling that toxic relationship, trying to date the guy you have a crush on, or attempting to apologize to someone who won't acknowledge you, you can't force the results you want. Sometimes you just have to move on. In some cases, you might have another chance later. But don't waste your time doing all the work and getting nowhere. You deserve better.
10. Sometimes the things that aren't coming together are because there's something better. I know it's hard to imagine, but sometimes even something good isn't good enough. Be open to the idea that the job you weren't offered isn't because you weren't qualified; it's because you're over qualified and they want to offer you a promotion. And even if that something better doesn't happen instantly, there will always be a time when you'll be able to look back and see where all the pieces were lining up in your favor. You just didn't know it. So approach life with optimism.
11. Sometimes the things that aren't coming together are to spare you from things you can't see. Just as there are better things around the corner, there are worse things around the corner. You can't always know what one decision might mean for your life. And just like the better, there will be times when you'll look back and realize that the thing you prayed and begged for turned out to be the thing that you are so thankful to have avoided. So approach life with gratitude.
12. Two of the greatest phrases you will ever use in life are "Thank you" and "I'm sorry." It will never matter how successful or happy or rich you are if you cannot freely speak these two sentences. You need to always appreciate anything you are ever given, no matter how small. Every gift - whether it was time or money or possessions - cost someone something. Say thank you. And you always need to admit when you are wrong and take accountability. No one is perfect and many fences are mended by being able to humble yourself and apologize.
13. Find a way to love yourself. That number on the scale doesn't define you. The acne on your face will clear up. Wishing you could wake up and be anyone but yourself is not only tragic, but it implies that you're a mistake. You're not! You are smarter than you realize, able to explain things in ways that help people understand things better. Your quick wit and sarcasm are a part of your charm. You encourage people and make them feel better when they are hurting. Your optimism overrides the negativity around you. The sooner you find the extraordinary things about you, the sooner you will love the person in the mirror. She's wonderful. Knowing that won't make you arrogant. If anything, it will make you more humble.
14. Don't just believe in God; have a relationship with Him. Too many times, people take the faith they had as a child and set it aside in adulthood. Don't be that person! You have the foundation so build on it. Take Jesus with you into every aspect of your life. Consult Him about your decisions and your future. Seek Him about your friendships and relationships. And listen to Him when He answers! That instinct I mentioned is often the Holy Spirit prompting you to pay attention. So much of the things I learned (and am offering here) could have been avoided if I had just invested more time and practice into my relationship with Jesus. It's not a Sunday thing. It's not a weakness thing. It is security in chaos; guidance in the unknown; peace in the fear; joy in the sorrow; healing in the pain; light in the darkness; love in the loneliness. It is the single greatest thing in my life and I wish I had committed myself to Him years ago.
15. Never forget you are loved. Some days it will be harder to believe than others. Some days are lonely and you'll feel very unlovable. But it's a lie. You have a family that loves you. You have friends that love you. You have a Savior who loves you. And I know I don't say it enough, but I love you too. Very, very much. And I'm proud of you. Every day.
16. Remember to enjoy where you are. You'll have some perfect moments in your life, but they won't last. Life is messy and crazy and stressful. Don't let that weigh you down. Enjoy the section of the journey you're on right now. Remember that while the days are long, the years are short. One day you'll look back and you won't be the 16 year old girl anymore. You'll be 41 with a divorce under your belt, a fabulous second marriage, an amazing blended family of seven kids, two awesome grandchildren, and a whole lot of advice you wish you could give to the girl you used to be. This is the moment you have. There's no going back and future moments aren't promised. So make the most of it. Today.
Forever yours,
Love, Me
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