When there's only one person you can go to
Most of what I write can be applied to anyone's life. But today, I want to speak specifically to married people.
How many of us are sometimes burdened with our responsibilities to our spouse? The meals, the laundry, the errands. As a woman, I know I have a lot of "extra" to do as a wife than when I'm only taking care of me. What about those honey-do lists of car washes, lawn work, household repairs, the trouble of remembering special dates. I honestly don't know what husband might have to do that's extra, but I'm sure there are things I'm not thinking of.
Sometimes my husband and I discuss how hard he works at his job. He says he does it for us, his family. And I always say, "You'd be working even if you were single, so I'm not sure how that counts as extra credit." Just like I'd still be paying bills and doing laundry if I were single. But the point we both make is that we do MORE married than we would single. I think my husband would live in a camper and work menial jobs if he were alone. Singlehood tends to cultivate minimalist levels of expectation.
It occurred to me that many of the needs and duties we have in our marriages we could go to someone else to fulfill: if I don't want to cook, I order out. I can pay a dry cleaner to do laundry. I can pay the neighbor kid to mow the lawn. I can hire a housekeeper. I can pay a babysitter. I can call a plumber. I can even order my groceries online now. Just about every single thing I need my spouse to do with me or for me, I can pay someone else to take care of (if I wanted to and if I had the money to do so).
But there is one need that I cannot go outside of my spouse to have fulfilled: intimacy.
Every one of us has the deep seated desire to be touched, loved, paid attention to. And there is only one person who is meant to meet that desire.
If my husband asks me for a meal and I bring him some bread and water, did I feed him? Sure. Did I meet his need? No way. Now what if he's asked me for affection and I give him a quick kiss and a hug. Did I show affection? Sure. Did I meet his need? Absolutely not. And yet, this is how many marriages are working.
I am not so naive to think that I've just solved some big mystery of relationships. And I acknowledge that, using my example, there are in fact people who pay to have this intimacy need (temporarily) met. But it shouldn't be that way.
I think there are a lot of women who have learned to shut down over the years because their husbands offer them bread and water in some area(s) and then expect a meal when they finally have time for their wife. And then those men are shocked when they are offered the same bread and water their wives have been given. You cannot invest a little effort and expect to get a big return. It becomes a vicious cycle and one of you has to break it.
I dare say, men,
you have to break it! By nature, most women want to nurture and fix and be your partner. But if her needs are left unmet, there will come a day when your needs will be left unmet as well. Women need their men to step up and love them as they need to be loved!
Women - your part is to communicate. Tell your man what you need. They can't read our minds. If you are tired of bread, ask for pasta! Ask for steak! Ask for cheesecake! Whatever it is you're wanting, you need to explain to him your desire: Honey, I love you more today than when we met. I desire you. When you only give me a quick kiss before bed, you leave me longing for more. I feel empty and rejected. I know you work hard for us and I know you're tired. But I'm craving more from you. (And ladies, if you are the one who has been serving up bread and water because you are disinterested, it's time to buy a cookbook! You have a responsibility to engage your husband. Your meal at home should be better than anything the outside world has to offer.)
Men - if your wife tells you what she needs and you don't come through for her...you are widening the gap between you. You cannot be held accountable for what you don't know. But to know and then do nothing? You have chosen the one way to re-enforce to your wife that you don't care. Even if that isn't what you intended, it's what you've done. Hear her! Answer her! Give her your own thoughts. Find a way to embrace her so she doesn't feel rejected. You being tired should never make her feel unloved. Communicate! And if you are offering her bread and water because someone else has offered a buffet, you need to remember that buffet food is often cold, overpriced, and handled by others. Protect what you have at home!
After a failed marriage for each of us because our spouses could not remain faithful, this is a matter close to my heart. I realize that there is infidelity for many reasons and sometimes it doesn't matter what one spouse does right, the other is just going to cheat. But I also know that there are those who help things along by choosing to do as little as possible to stay connected. You chose to marry each other! Choose each other again!
If we are protecting our marriages, we know that we cannot go out to eat for a meal when we are tired of the bread and water at home. Therefore, it is up to us to make sure our spouse doesn't feel as though they are living off of prison food. Our home should be filled with love and laughter and great affection. Our children are watching and learning the pattern of love. Your healthy and sincere example of that in your home will help them learn what to look for in their future spouse. This isn't just a blessing for your relationship, but also for those that come after you.
And just as poor cooks can take a cooking class, I would encourage anyone whose marriage is struggling with intimacy to seek appropriate help. Counseling and renewing your intimacy can do wonders for your appetite.
(I am blessed to be married to a man today who listens to me and loves me as my heart craves. I want to honor him and not have anyone misunderstand and think that I am referring to him or discussing our private life through this post. Although every marriage is a long term work in progress, he continues to be my blessing in every way. I pray each of you have the same in your marriage.)
Today (May 30, 2017) is Shavuot. Jews know it as the Feast of Weeks. Christians know it as the Day of Pentecost. It is the day Moses was given the Law on Mount Sinai. It is the same day the Holy Spirit come down onto believers in Acts 2.
