If I Invite You...

...there will be certain expectations

Imagine you've been invited to someone's home for a dinner party. You have no other plans so you accept the invitation. You are greeted warmly and the meal is served. Conversations are taking place. But then you decide to make a comment. Or ask a question. And the tone of your words - or the words themselves - is rude, inflammatory, or unacceptable. And the host suddenly has an issue with what's happening at his/her table.

What happened? Everything was going so well!

Let's say I'm the host. I extended the invitation so realistically, I must acknowledge there is a risk that things might not go as planned. Someone may have an allergy. Someone might be late. Some guests might not mingle well with one another. Someone might just bring something uncomfortable to my table. And I need to be a good host. It’s not my intention to have people over only to end up arguing and in chaos. But as guests, each person accepted the invitation, so they should know that there will be realistic expectations of their appropriate behavior as well while they’re here. Manners and respect shouldn't have to be explained.

And yet, this is social media.

I post something. I put myself out there, inviting others to participate in a conversation. And I have to acknowledge the risk that someone might bring something unexpected or uncomfortable to my "table."

But if you comment on my post, then you accepted the invitation into the discussion. Not to a debate. Not to a tirade. You came to my table, and I expect you to use some manners, even if you don't like everything I'm serving. Likewise, if I decide that I want to come to your page and comment on your topic, I need to bring my good manners to your table.

You'd have every right to be disgusted or offended if I came to your home with anger and judgement, attacking you for your food choices. You've have every right to ask me to leave if I disrespected you in your home. If I didn't like what you were offering, I could have chosen not to accept the invitation.

That's what scrolling past a post is on social media - it's refusing an invitation to sit at a table you don't like.

But too many people think they can say anything they want simply because it's their table. They are not a good host. They want to post inflammatory topics in the hopes - nah, the blatant attempt - that people will stop by and stir the pot. That is a host who is just waiting to make the people at their table sick to their stomachs.

At the same time, many people think that since they accepted the invitation then I must surely want to hear every opinion they have on a subject. And that's not true either. A good guest is someone who realizes they are grateful to be included at the table because their company is valued. And if that value ends, so will future invitations. None of us wants to sit at an empty table.

We have become a society of attention seekers and screamers. We all have something to say (I'm obviously in that category as I write this). And we all want an audience (as I clearly hope with readership). But what we have to say should never ostracize those we invite to participate in our posts. And our responses to those invitations should never be more important than the person we're responding to.

It's easy to have courage behind a keyboard. But we all have feelings; we all struggle; we all need kindness. Maybe instead of trying to be controversial and righteous, we should view ourselves as sitting at a table and having a meal together. 

• Use your manners.
• Use your inside voice. 
• Be thankful for your invitation. 
• Be thankful the invitation was accepted.