No More 2019

It's finally 2020!

One of the more popular things to do in the last decade has been to pick a word to focus on throughout the year: intentional, joy, recover, simplify, abide…a word that seems to keep coming to you or a state of being that you’re craving to embrace.

My word for 2019 was MORE.  I had wanted to give more effort, more patience, more kindness, more time. I had all these visions of what more would look like from month to month. 

What I didn’t know in January is that 2019 would be one of the most difficult years I’ve had in a very long time.  While my family was overall happy and healthy in the most important ways, there were some struggles that I only spoke about with two people.  And one in particular was instrumental in getting me through some very, very hard months.

And in that time, I got MORE in ways I never expected:  more tears, more pain, more unknowns, more “no,” more “wait.”

I felt like an absolute failure most of the time.  MORE times than not.

But my sister put such a great perspective on my word.  She told me, “I like “more.” And isn’t it interesting that sometimes our words do not reflect what we intended for them.  It proves that our hope is always in Jesus and not ourselves.  And certainly not in the hope of a word.”

Those four sentences flipped my heart.

I couldn’t deny that I had failed to give more effort.  I had wasted more time. But I had also had to be more patient and more trusting.  I had to become more vulnerable when sharing my heart with a safe person.  I had to stop expecting more from someone who couldn’t give more.  I had to focus more on the promises of God than the circumstances I was walking through.

This year we have gone through more changes than we ever expected – and less than we expected.  There were more disappointments than we had hoped for.  And many, many more blessings.

I can see now where maybe I had my focus skewed.  I was looking for all the positivity of MORE, and what I got was the perseverance of MORE.

My flippant answer right now is that I hope my new word for 2020 is FINALLY!  That the things we have been praying for, hoping for, working toward, will finally come to fruition.  That we will finally get some answers.  That we will finally be settled.  But I also finally realize that I have to leave room for the Lord to work.  I can’t simply look at my year as my wish list of things I hope to accomplish.  I must let Him guide and orchestrate and provide and be in absolute control.  Because anything that He brings into my life I know will be for His glory.  Even if it’s more than I want to deal with, I will finally have the right perspective.