My Letter to a Girl

Dear Young Lady,

If I could go back to that season in life when you were questioning everything and searching for answers, I would do a better job of building you up.  I would love you better and encourage you in your talents and gifts.  I would push you to push yourself and be someone.  I would tell you how important you are, how valuable.  I would listen to your heart and understand that sometimes you just needed to vent.  And then be held.

If I could go back to that time in our life, knowing then what I know now, I would have so much more wisdom to share with you.  I like to think I'd be brave enough to say it in such a way that you would listen and take it to heart.  Knowing the mistakes you made and the pain you suffered, I hope that I would be easier on you.

So here's my advice.  It's years late and gathered from many trials and tears.  But it's things I wish I had known or been told.  I offer it now in the hopes that some other girl (or guy) will hear what no one else is telling them and be spared your heartache.

1.  Other people's behavior is a reflection of their character, not yours.  Sometimes it feels like a personal attack when someone treats you poorly.  If it happens enough times, you start to believe you deserve it.  You don't!  Remember that sometimes hurting people hurt people and those that are treating you so badly have probably suffered their own personal tragedy.  Pity them, pray for them, but don't put yourself down because of them.  Someone insulting you is actually them speaking their own deepest fears out loud.

2.  It doesn't matter if a person is a stranger or a family member - if they're toxic to your life, you have the right (and the responsibility to yourself) to limit your contact with them.  It's not your job to fix them.  It's not your job to make their life easier while they continue to hurt you.  It's ok to put your safety first.  And sometimes your safety isn't just physical.  It can be emotional, mental, financial, or spiritual.  I had to put distance between myself and a family member for a few years for my own well being.  Once I made that decision, my life got a lot easier without them constantly in it.

3.  When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  We can all have a bad day (even a bad year).  But people are who they are.  Someone might fool you for a little while, but eventually they can't keep up the act any longer.  The mask falls off and they reveal their true heart.  No amount of excuses (yours or theirs) is going to change them.  No amount of forgiveness is going to change them.  No amount of crying, begging, or threatening is going to change them.  Believe who they are and don't stay.  A pile of poop in a pretty box is still a pile of poop.

4.  Don't ignore the red flags.  Sometimes a person isn't toxic.  Sometimes a person is nice.  But if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable with something they say or do, you need to pay attention to that.  Your instinct is there to guide you and keep you from danger.  Danger might be the guy who can't keep a job.  Danger might be the guy who speaks nicely to you, but screams at the waitress.  Danger might be the guy who tells you something you find inappropriate and uncomfortable.  Don't ignore these things.  He's trying to see what you'll put up with.  What "isn't a big deal" now becomes a big deal later.  Trust me.

5.   Sex changes everything.  Sadly, too many girls think that sex equals love.  And it's the line guys use to convince you they care about you.  But the magnitude that physical intimacy has on your life is nearly indescribable.  There is science that shows the chemical bonds created between two people.  But it's more.  It's emotional attachment.  It's offering a part of yourself that should only ever be offered to one person - the same person - forever.  Because once that emotional connection is made, a girl feels that she's found "the one."  It's a form of imprinting - a false sense of believing that this guy is always going to care for you the way you want him to.  And a guy isn't thinking of love.  He's just thinking of sex.  It's an event.  A moment.  And then it's over.  And you feel used and dirty.  Until the next time he "loves" you and you believe him and he again takes what you freely offer.  And when he walks away (and he will)....you are rejected in every way possible.  He hasn't just walked away from your body; he has left your heart, your mind, your soul.  He has walked away from you because you were not what he wanted forever.  And a young girl's heart doesn't realize that until it's too late.  Sex changes everything.  When you are married, and your husband loves your heart and mind and soul...by the time he loves your body, you will know that he truly loves you for you.  And then you become attached in a healthy emotional/physical relationship.  Then you imprint the way you are supposed to.  And it is beautiful.

6.  "The one" will still be "the one" in 3-5 years.  If a man wants you for you, he'll wait.  He'll wait for sex, yes.  But he'll also wait for you to get to know each other.  He'll wait for you to accomplish goals.  He'll wait for you to be ready to move forward.  If you are supposed to be together, he will do whatever it takes to grow the relationship.  And so will you.  Because it can take years to grow up and know what you want.  I learned the hard way that rushing a relationship out of fear of being alone will only leave you alone.  Don't be afraid to give it time.  The more you know about him (and him about you), the better you'll know if he's truly "the one."

7.  Spend time investing in yourself.  Instead of trying to find the person who "completes" you, focus on what will grow you up.  Get your college degree, have a career, travel, take up a hobby or two, live life with some great girl friends.  All of this will have to move down on the priority list after marriage and children.  So don't be in such a rush to settle down.  Enjoy the world around you.  It will make you more well rounded, much more interesting, and it will broaden your circle of prospective suitors.  I really wish I had known this at your age.

8.  Figure out what you're looking for before you meet someone.  The purpose of dating a guy and getting to know him is to find out if he's marriage potential.  Dating is not hooking up.  It shouldn't even be treated as casual.  You're narrowing down what it is you want and need in a life long partner.  So treat it seriously.  Make a list of what you're looking for.  You can tweak it as you mature, but it should include everything important to you:  how he looks, his height, his personality.  But be sure it also includes things like integrity, his ability to keep a job, he education background, his spending habits, his religion, his family background, etc.  You should have some things you're willing to negotiate (you might prefer he not have tattoos, but if he has one and it's not offensive, it might be ok) as well as things you will not negotiate (drug use for instance).  You will have a hard time determining if a man is right for you if you don't even know what you're looking for.  This list will help you ask important questions that will impact any future life you may have with someone.  It might not matter what kind of car he drives, but it will definitely matter if he never wants kids.  Make a list and make it important to you!


9.  Sometimes, no matter how many times you try, the other person just isn't ready.  Whether it's reconciling that toxic relationship, trying to date the guy you have a crush on, or attempting to apologize to someone who won't acknowledge you, you can't force the results you want.  Sometimes you just have to move on.  In some cases, you might have another chance later.  But don't waste your time doing all the work and getting nowhere.  You deserve better.

10.  Sometimes the things that aren't coming together are because there's something better.  I know it's hard to imagine, but sometimes even something good isn't good enough.  Be open to the idea that the job you weren't offered isn't because you weren't qualified; it's because you're over qualified and they want to offer you a promotion.  And even if that something better doesn't happen instantly, there will always be a time when you'll be able to look back and see where all the pieces were lining up in your favor.  You just didn't know it.  So approach life with optimism.

11.  Sometimes the things that aren't coming together are to spare you from things you can't see.  Just as there are better things around the corner, there are worse things around the corner.  You can't always know what one decision might mean for your life. And just like the better, there will be times when you'll look back and realize that the thing you prayed and begged for turned out to be the thing that you are so thankful to have avoided.  So approach life with gratitude.

12.  Two of the greatest phrases you will ever use in life are "Thank you" and "I'm sorry."  It will never matter how successful or happy or rich you are if you cannot freely speak these two sentences.  You need to always appreciate anything you are ever given, no matter how small.  Every gift - whether it was time or money or possessions - cost someone something.  Say thank you.  And you always need to admit when you are wrong and take accountability.  No one is perfect and many fences are mended by being able to humble yourself and apologize.

13.  Find a way to love yourself.   That number on the scale doesn't define you.  The acne on your face will clear up.  Wishing you could wake up and be anyone but yourself is not only tragic, but it implies that you're a mistake.  You're not!  You are smarter than you realize, able to explain things in ways that help people understand things better.  Your quick wit and sarcasm are a part of your charm.  You encourage people and make them feel better when they are hurting.  Your optimism overrides the negativity around you.  The sooner you find the extraordinary things about you, the sooner you will love the person in the mirror.  She's wonderful.  Knowing that won't make you arrogant.  If anything, it will make you more humble.

14.  Don't just believe in God; have a relationship with Him.  Too many times, people take the faith they had as a child and set it aside in adulthood.  Don't be that person!  You have the foundation so build on it.  Take Jesus with you into every aspect of your life.  Consult Him about your decisions and your future.  Seek Him about your friendships and relationships.  And listen to Him when He answers!  That instinct I mentioned is often the Holy Spirit prompting you to pay attention. So much of the things I learned (and am offering here) could have been avoided if I had just invested more time and practice into my relationship with Jesus.  It's not a Sunday thing.  It's not a weakness thing.  It is security in chaos; guidance in the unknown; peace in the fear; joy in the sorrow; healing in the pain; light in the darkness; love in the loneliness.  It is the single greatest thing in my life and I wish I had committed myself to Him years ago.

15.  Never forget you are loved.  Some days it will be harder to believe than others.  Some days are lonely and you'll feel very unlovable.  But it's a lie.  You have a family that loves you.  You have friends that love you.  You have a Savior who loves you.  And I know I don't say it enough, but I love you too.  Very, very much.  And I'm proud of you.  Every day.

16.  Remember to enjoy where you are.  You'll have some perfect moments in your life, but they won't last.  Life is messy and crazy and stressful.  Don't let that weigh you down.  Enjoy the section of the journey you're on right now.  Remember that while the days are long, the years are short.  One day you'll look back and you won't be the 16 year old girl anymore.  You'll be 41 with a divorce under your belt, a fabulous second marriage, an amazing blended family of seven kids, two awesome grandchildren, and a whole lot of advice you wish you could give to the girl you used to be.  This is the moment you have.  There's no going back and future moments aren't promised.  So make the most of it.  Today.

Forever yours,
Love, Me

Is This Really YOUR Journey???

When being told that "your journey is your own" isn't right...

Recently we had company for a big event in our family's life.  People traveled from several states away to be with us to celebrate.  It's usually an eight hour drive.  Expecting our guests in a couple of hours, I called to see where they were.

Me:  "Are you through Jacksonville yet?"
Them:  "We didn't go through Jacksonville."
"You didn't? So are you at least past Tallahassee?"
"We didn't go through Tallahassee.  We got off the interstate and took a highway."
"Ok, so where are you?"
"Somewhere in Georgia."

I'll save you the rest of the conversation and fill you in on the highlights.  Instead of following GPS, they decided to take a random exit to a highway.  They told me they were 20 minutes from the interstate they needed to be on to get to my house.  When they finally passed a sign that told them the next town, I found it on my GPS and informed them that they were not 20 minutes from the interstate - they were an hour from the interstate.  Instead of being 2 hours from my house, they were FOUR hours from my house. So now an 8 hour drive was going to take them ten.  (In reality, it took them twelve.)

There is a movement among some people to use a particular phrase to encourage others not to worry about the life they are living.  It's packaged in pretty words and lovely backgrounds to be shared and posted and repeated at social events.  It sounds deep and mature so it is believed and trusted and given more value than it deserves.  And while I completely understand the surface platitude that "we each have our own life to live and no life is going to look identical to someone else's," I believe there is great damage being done in allowing this "journey" movement to be so quickly and easily accepted.

Have you ever gone down a one way street...the wrong way?  Every city that has a downtown area is made up of numerous one way streets.  It never fails that I end up turning left when I should have turned right.  Thankfully, I've never caused an accident.  And I've learned that if I'd just set my GPS - and follow it! - that I'd make the right (pun intended) turn every time.  Because GPS is designed to lead you in the right direction. And I know mistakes are possible.  Detours, construction, delayed updates to the system all interfere with navigation systems.  But overall, GPS works like it's supposed to. To add insult to injury, I've even turned the wrong way when I've had a passenger telling me exactly where to go.  Against real and technical advice, I've done my own thing - and failed.

So back to my guests.  They had GPS.  In fact, they had three smart phones between them and three people keeping track of the directions.  We had also given them directions, advising them of the exact exit to take. But one person decided to override our advice and the GPS, saying that they knew better.  The driver listened and you know the rest.  We did not lead them wrong.  GPS never would have led them that way. But they thought they knew where they were going.

I'd like to suggest that many "journeys" that some people are on are not some special path set out just for them by destiny, but are instead roads they found themselves on after failing to listen to those who advised them and getting off the GPS set of directions.
              *Failing out of college
              *Getting fired due to behavior
              *Having an affair
              *Pregnancy out of wedlock
              *Drug/Alcohol addiction
              *Some form of "self discovery"
             
This isn't an exhaustive list, but it's a few things I've watched people I know go through and their loved ones pass it off as "just a part of their journey."  Not only is that untrue, it is harmful!  I can't think of one time in my years as a parent that I have hoped the life my child would lead would include any one of those things on that list.  I can't think of any child who writes an elementary paper about "What I want to be when I grown up" and includes any of those things on that list.  Those things are never in anyone's plans because they're not a part of the intended journey!  They become a part of the journey when specific choices are made.

I know what some of you are thinking because my guests said the same thing:  but going off the beaten path is scenic!  It's less crowded!  There's more adventure!  I agree with all of those things.  My son graduated from The Citadel where the unofficial title of the school is "The Road Less Traveled."  Believe me, I understand the benefits to not following the crowd and looking for adventure.  But I'm talking about using the word "adventure" to describe avoidable chaos.  I'm talking about using a phrase to excuse what should be unacceptable behaviors.  I'm talking about people failing to be accountable for their actions because "it's part of their own special journey."

So what happens when you choose to take a left turn - not because it's a chance to do something good, but because you're breaking the rules and being defiant?  Yes, the road is scenic and exciting and fills you with joy.  There is less traffic and fewer people to hassle you about your choices. But at some point reality is going to hit.
             *There are fewer people to hassle you and tell you what to do, but there are also fewer people to help you.  When you start looking around and the only people with you are the ones who made the same poor choice you did, you start to realize you don't have a good support system.  Had my guests needed help on the empty highway of their choice, they may have found themselves stranded for a while - or with the kind of "help" they'd rather not had.
              *With less traffic, there is a decreased necessity of resources.  Deciding you've made a poor choice and wanting help is great, but if there's nowhere to turn, you're in trouble.  How do you get yourself out of the mess you're in without the right assistance?  My guests had to hope they found a gas station out there in the middle of nowhere before they ran out of gas.  Restaurants, hotels, and mechanics are hard to come by when you go off the beaten path.  These are basic necessities of travel and they chose to put themselves in a situation that took them away from those things.
             *Taking a left and traveling into an area that isn't the best one doesn't just affect you.  It will also affect your passengers (a spouse who cheats, a parent who is fired, a teenager with an addiction - they all affect those within the home).  They didn't ask to take this "journey" with you, but they're stuck on it now.  They have no other choice but to ride it out and hope to get back to civilization.  And what about those on the other side?  Those who are waiting for you, expecting you, watching time pass and not knowing where you are or how you're doing?  They are affected too.  They worry and hope and pray and cry and get angry.  Their lives are affected and some of their plans have to be changed because of your selfishness.  My guests gave no concern over the fact that we expected them to travel and arrive at a particular time.  We had a weekend full of events and they had been invited to join us.  But their flippant decision meant we had to rearrange our schedules to accommodate their delay.  And it never occurred to them the discord they caused us as well.
             *With hard work, a lot of time, and maybe even a u-turn, let's say you finally arrive at your destination.  But with all the added time and energy, you're worn out and exhausted. Some people would say, "as long as you arrived, who cares how you got there?"  Is that how you want to travel life?  Worn out and exhausted from constantly correcting preventable poor choices and mistakes?  With a trail of loneliness and bad memories you could have spared yourself?  Our guests missed out on hours of extra time with us because they wanted to do what they wanted to do.

Every life will suffer heartache and loss, tragedy and pain.  But to bring those things upon yourself - an extra dose of heartache and loss - is an entirely new level of tragedy.  My guests traveled a total of twelve hours for an eight hour trip because they made a mistake.  They didn't take the suggestions set out for them to have the best outcome.  In believing they knew better than those who had gone before them, they put themselves at risk.  And worse, even after realizing their mistake, they continued to travel the road deeper and deeper into the unknown.

We are created to crave adventure and seek out new things.  But the journey we are on is one of discovering our purpose and our Creator.  It is not intended to be a journey of self.  A journey of self will only teach you that we are all the same in our hearts - longing to be different, but failing to be so.  However, a journey of seeking after God will show us that we are special and called to use that specialness with others, for others.  By convincing ourselves that our journey is unique, we take away the uniqueness.  People need to know that they are not alone in this life.  They need to know that they are not the only ones to feel a particular way.  Your struggle is important to share with others because others are struggling too.  And most of the time, the hopes and dreams and goals and advice your loved ones have for you is not for themselves - it is their desire to see you live your best life.  Instead of turning your back on them, trust them!

Don't get caught up in the lie that no one can tell you about your journey.  While there is no one else like you, there is so much that those around you have to offer to enrich your life.  And you have so much to offer them!  Taking yourself down your own "journey" is detrimental to everyone. Lean on each other.  Trust each other.  Recognize that what you do and the choices you make matter far after the decision is made.  Live your life walking the road with each other. It will often lead you to a wonderful destination.