Wanting It So Badly...

But you can't quite reach it

If you recall, I was able to make a trip to Florida last month.  One of the things I enjoyed was walking the beachfront outside our hotel in the cool mornings.  I was rather surprised at my level of enjoyment because I am not a beach person.  Having lived in Florida off and on for a total of 16 years, dealing with the tourists, the sand, and the sunburns just wasn't my thing.  But somehow, being a 'tourist' myself now, I was able to appreciate the beauty of the waves and the shore.  Although bundled against the December wind, I truly felt joy in being there.

Not far from our hotel, there was a tidal pool that had formed behind a shelf in the sand.  I noticed it my first day out.  It was very deep and had drawn the attention of several shore birds.  Other than taking a couple of photos, I didn't pay much attention to it.

On my last morning, I was amazed to see the tidal pool had lost much of its water.  Now I was interested.  Anyone who has lived near the ocean knows that water pushes seashells onto shore.  Not just any shells.  These shells would have been the homes of ocean life.  They wouldn't have been tossed onto rocks or walked on by tourists yet.  So a tidal pool like this was likely to have some perfect shells, untouched and unbroken.  I walked down into the sand and slowly scanned the bottom of the pool.  The water was clear, but there wasn't much to see.  I did notice that I wasn't the only one who had thought the newly uncovered sand was a great place to explore.  The early birds had been out in high numbers.


I was making my way along the final edge before passing it and continuing my walk, when I suddenly saw exactly what I'd been looking for.  There, just inches away, was what appeared to be a perfect seashell.  It sat softly on top of the sand, its colors bright in the sun.  And it looked as if it had been waiting for me to find it.  I was pretty excited.  It's not often you find a perfect shell on the beach.  Many times the ones you think are perfect have a broken piece hidden in the sand.  They're still pretty, but just not special.  I knew this one was special.

But it was a bit out of my reach.  I could see it, but about two feet separated it from me.  Two feet of sand across and two feet of water deep.  It was December.  I was in running shoes.  I did not want to step into that frigid pool to fetch a shell and then walk all the way back to my hotel in cold, soaked shoes/socks/pant legs.  So I decided to continue my walk and figure out how to get my shell.

Ok, so I knew I didn't want to get my feet wet.  Had it been summer, it wouldn't have been a problem.  I could have easily walked barefoot into water that would have felt refreshing.  Bend over, pick it up, mine.  Done.  But that wasn't an option now.  Even removing my shoes and rolling up my pants would require a very cold, very sandy walk back to my room.
I looked around to see if there were any branches or long sticks.  Of course, there weren't.  Sand and condos for miles.  No trees.  No dune grass.  Nothing.  That wasn't going to work either.

So I thought about asking someone else for help.  I had seen a couple people using walking sticks as they strolled.  Maybe one of them would be willing to use their stick to prod the shell closer to us so I could reach it.  But I didn't see anyone with walking sticks anymore.  And it was just as well.  I'd have felt a little goofy asking.

But I really wanted that shell!!!

I headed back to the tidal pool and kept brainstorming.  But no matter what I thought of, it wouldn't get me that shell.  It was too far.  I didn't have the right tools or any help.  And I realized I had to leave it there.  It wasn't meant to be mine after all.

I was a bit sad as I walked back to my hotel.  But as He does in most things, the Lord spoke to my heart and resulted in this blog.

The things we want in life have requirements:

       *Sometimes it needs to be the right season.  If we are going after something too soon or too late, then success cannot be guaranteed.  Timing is everything.

        *Sometimes we need the right attire.  You don't dress like a fireman to scuba dive.  And you don't wear a tiara to go camping.  Being prepared for the task makes all the difference.

        *Sometimes we need the right tools.  Having the skills or knowledge to complete a goal is often the key to completion.  Being ill-equipped commonly leads to defeat.

        *Sometimes we need help.  Often there are people in our lives who would love to assist us in attaining our goals, but we don't ask them.  Whether it's out of pride or ignorance, we miss out on the exact help we need, putting us further and further away from getting where we want to be.

And then, sometimes, what you want isn't meant for you.

How many times do we see something we want and decide we have to have it?  How many times do we convince ourselves that what we want is actually ours for the taking?  At what cost do we take by force what we think should belong to us?  

        *That boyfriend/girlfriend who is nice, but there's just something missing.  Maybe it's because the one you're supposed to be with is waiting for you to find them.

        *That career choice that you just can't seem to be happy in.  Maybe it's not the one you were supposed to pick.

        *That door that you want to walk through because you've decided it the door to everything you've ever wanted.  Maybe it's locked for a reason and you are too stubborn to realize you're being spared.

        *That relationship that is toxic for you, but you refuse to walk away because you have convinced yourself that things can get better.  Maybe the one thing you're trying to force is the one thing that will eventually lead to destruction.

The crush, the job, the car, the award, the fame, the fortune....the thing you put all your hope into....and it doesn't work out because it wasn't meant for you.  The thing you're supposed to be working toward is somewhere down the road.  It might not look like the thing you're giving up.  It might not even look like it's that special.  But it will be the perfect fit for whatever it is you're dreaming of.  Things that are meant for us have a way of lining up so that we don't have to force anything to fit where it doesn't belong.  That doesn't mean you won't have to put in some effort, but it will be yours because you will have all the things you need to attain it.

So as I walked away from the seashell that was meant for someone else, I was happy for them.  They didn't even know it was there waiting on them.  They had a surprise in store simply because I walked away from something I couldn't attain.

And I was just a former Florida girl, enjoying the beach I'd never enjoyed, getting a lesson in life from the Lord.

When I'm Tired of Forgiving "Seventy Times Seven"

And it keeps happening....

When you're a writer, you tend to write about your own life.  But when you make your writing public, you often have to think through the consequences of discussing particular aspects and situations (and people) in your life.  I try very hard to only share when the circumstances involve a lesson or something beneficial.  I share because I want you, the reader, to see how God is working in my life; and I hope that you can glean something positive and useful for your own life by peeking into mine for a few moments.

That said, I in no way have it all together.  The joke in our house is that we could easily be an episode or two of Jerry Springer.  There's a lot of material here for me to draw from.  Many times I've wished it were different.  But God always brings me to a place of growth and healing and a more mature understanding of why He allows me to walk the road I'm on.

There is a person in my life who I have tried to be closer to.  Through her own choices, that hasn't happened. Over the years, her words and actions have required me to forgive much.  Always without receiving an apology.  Every time it's a process:  my initial emotional response, the verbal response my flesh wants to have, the tears, the prayers, and the conscious decision to forgive.  Sometimes it's quick; other times it takes me a while to genuinely forgive her.  The point is, there are years of history of this pattern and there's no sign of it changing.

Recently there was another incident opportunity for me to practice this "unapologetic forgiveness" dynamic.  Without getting into too many personal details, I was very upset about a situation she became more involved in than she was invited to be.  Not only was I aware of all the background information, I had to be an audience member to her participation.  I was given about ten days notice before the event took place.  I was thankful for that because I had a lot of emotions and fleshly responses to work through before then.

We travelled to the Gulf Coast for the special occasion.  We were fortunate enough to stay at a hotel on the beach.  The day before the event, I felt I had pretty much worked through my anger and forgiven her.  However, I would be in her presence the next day, and I wasn't sure I was ready for that.  I didn't want to be fake around her.  I truly wanted to be genuine and loving toward her.  So that was preoccupying my thoughts as I decided to take a run on the shore.

A sweet friend from home texted me on my way out.  She reminded me of grace - getting what you don't deserve.  I needed to show this woman grace despite how she was behaving (and believe me, it's never occurred to her that she's done anything wrong over the years).  But I kept remembering that she is an unbeliever, acting out of her own flesh in her state of being lost and separated from God.

So here I was, mulling over grace, listening to my music as I jogged in the sand (which is hard, by the way!)  Why is it easier to give grace to strangers?  I think it's because we see the ugliness of people close to us more often and it's much more personal.  It's hard to keep seeing it and there's no change in them.  So we offer more grace.  More grace.  Mercy.  Grace.  It's exhausting! And then my thoughts went to Jesus:  Does He get exhausted with me when I'm not getting it?  Before I got it???  Yet He keeps loving me.  KEEPS loving me!  Because He wants me in His family!  But sometimes my family doesn't get it and I'm ready to wash my hands!  God forgive me!

As I'm pondering these things, I realize that the songs on my playlist are discussing grace.  Grace! And then a song comes on about the waves washing over you, the tides bringing you grace, as I'm running along the waterline of the tide going out and the waves coming in.  Can I tell you how humbling that was?  I sat on the sand and just let the tears fall. 

I'm not sure how long I sat there, watching the waves hit the sand.  But I felt the Lord The waves rolling in weren't big.  Just small crests keeping the sand pristine.  Beyond them, the water was calm.  As far as my eye could see, it was a completely smooth surface.  It occurred to me that this situation giving my heart such grief was not a storm.  It wasn't even a bump.  It was just a part of normal life, rolling in and out, ebbing and flowing as a part of the natural tide of things.  I realized that so many others are going through real storms right now and here I was stressing over something much more trivial.  While it did hurt my heart, I was handling with selfishness and pride.  And in that moment, I prayed.  I asked for forgiveness for myself and the way I'd been handling things.  And I forgave her.  Again.  For this situation, as I had all the others before it.  Because that's what I am called to do, just as God has done for me.

So I left my anger and hurt and selfishness right there in the sand.  I watched as God used His waves to wipe it all clean from the sand and from my heart.  And I finished my time on the beach ready to face tomorrow.

When tomorrow arrived, I was genuinely ready to face the day.  I sat in the audience, I videoed the ceremony, I clapped, I smiled, and I meant every bit of it.  Could I have faked it?  Maybe.  Would those closest to me known I was upset?  Probably.  But having it resolved was so much better for me, as well as those around me. 

I have no unrealistic expectations that this will be the last time she lets me down.  Her track record speaks for itself.  But so does the Lord's - He has been faithful each and every time to shower me with love and strength and wisdom.  And grace.  It is only through Him that I am able to continue to forgive that which is never apologized for.  But because I've been forgiven so much more, I am humbled and compelled to extend the same to her.  It is with that grace that I pray she comes to know Jesus as her Lord and Savior someday.  And if I am the only person who shows her Jesus, then I am obligated to do it to the best of my ability, whether my flesh wants to or not. 

This isn't a storm.  It's eternity.