When I'm Tired of Forgiving "Seventy Times Seven"

And it keeps happening....

When you're a writer, you tend to write about your own life.  But when you make your writing public, you often have to think through the consequences of discussing particular aspects and situations (and people) in your life.  I try very hard to only share when the circumstances involve a lesson or something beneficial.  I share because I want you, the reader, to see how God is working in my life; and I hope that you can glean something positive and useful for your own life by peeking into mine for a few moments.

That said, I in no way have it all together.  The joke in our house is that we could easily be an episode or two of Jerry Springer.  There's a lot of material here for me to draw from.  Many times I've wished it were different.  But God always brings me to a place of growth and healing and a more mature understanding of why He allows me to walk the road I'm on.

There is a person in my life who I have tried to be closer to.  Through her own choices, that hasn't happened. Over the years, her words and actions have required me to forgive much.  Always without receiving an apology.  Every time it's a process:  my initial emotional response, the verbal response my flesh wants to have, the tears, the prayers, and the conscious decision to forgive.  Sometimes it's quick; other times it takes me a while to genuinely forgive her.  The point is, there are years of history of this pattern and there's no sign of it changing.

Recently there was another incident opportunity for me to practice this "unapologetic forgiveness" dynamic.  Without getting into too many personal details, I was very upset about a situation she became more involved in than she was invited to be.  Not only was I aware of all the background information, I had to be an audience member to her participation.  I was given about ten days notice before the event took place.  I was thankful for that because I had a lot of emotions and fleshly responses to work through before then.

We travelled to the Gulf Coast for the special occasion.  We were fortunate enough to stay at a hotel on the beach.  The day before the event, I felt I had pretty much worked through my anger and forgiven her.  However, I would be in her presence the next day, and I wasn't sure I was ready for that.  I didn't want to be fake around her.  I truly wanted to be genuine and loving toward her.  So that was preoccupying my thoughts as I decided to take a run on the shore.

A sweet friend from home texted me on my way out.  She reminded me of grace - getting what you don't deserve.  I needed to show this woman grace despite how she was behaving (and believe me, it's never occurred to her that she's done anything wrong over the years).  But I kept remembering that she is an unbeliever, acting out of her own flesh in her state of being lost and separated from God.

So here I was, mulling over grace, listening to my music as I jogged in the sand (which is hard, by the way!)  Why is it easier to give grace to strangers?  I think it's because we see the ugliness of people close to us more often and it's much more personal.  It's hard to keep seeing it and there's no change in them.  So we offer more grace.  More grace.  Mercy.  Grace.  It's exhausting! And then my thoughts went to Jesus:  Does He get exhausted with me when I'm not getting it?  Before I got it???  Yet He keeps loving me.  KEEPS loving me!  Because He wants me in His family!  But sometimes my family doesn't get it and I'm ready to wash my hands!  God forgive me!

As I'm pondering these things, I realize that the songs on my playlist are discussing grace.  Grace! And then a song comes on about the waves washing over you, the tides bringing you grace, as I'm running along the waterline of the tide going out and the waves coming in.  Can I tell you how humbling that was?  I sat on the sand and just let the tears fall. 

I'm not sure how long I sat there, watching the waves hit the sand.  But I felt the Lord The waves rolling in weren't big.  Just small crests keeping the sand pristine.  Beyond them, the water was calm.  As far as my eye could see, it was a completely smooth surface.  It occurred to me that this situation giving my heart such grief was not a storm.  It wasn't even a bump.  It was just a part of normal life, rolling in and out, ebbing and flowing as a part of the natural tide of things.  I realized that so many others are going through real storms right now and here I was stressing over something much more trivial.  While it did hurt my heart, I was handling with selfishness and pride.  And in that moment, I prayed.  I asked for forgiveness for myself and the way I'd been handling things.  And I forgave her.  Again.  For this situation, as I had all the others before it.  Because that's what I am called to do, just as God has done for me.

So I left my anger and hurt and selfishness right there in the sand.  I watched as God used His waves to wipe it all clean from the sand and from my heart.  And I finished my time on the beach ready to face tomorrow.

When tomorrow arrived, I was genuinely ready to face the day.  I sat in the audience, I videoed the ceremony, I clapped, I smiled, and I meant every bit of it.  Could I have faked it?  Maybe.  Would those closest to me known I was upset?  Probably.  But having it resolved was so much better for me, as well as those around me. 

I have no unrealistic expectations that this will be the last time she lets me down.  Her track record speaks for itself.  But so does the Lord's - He has been faithful each and every time to shower me with love and strength and wisdom.  And grace.  It is only through Him that I am able to continue to forgive that which is never apologized for.  But because I've been forgiven so much more, I am humbled and compelled to extend the same to her.  It is with that grace that I pray she comes to know Jesus as her Lord and Savior someday.  And if I am the only person who shows her Jesus, then I am obligated to do it to the best of my ability, whether my flesh wants to or not. 

This isn't a storm.  It's eternity.

Unforgiveness

Casting off what weighs us down

Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things we can face throughout our lives.  There is not one of us who will not find ourselves on the bitter end of being wronged, used, gossiped about, abused, betrayed, swindled, lied to, or any other of a number of things.  We have all been faced at least once with something so painful that we have held a grudge against a person.  More often than not, that person has also deserved our wrath. Withholding our forgiveness is the least of the punishments we'd like to avenge upon them.

But have you ever thought about how much work it is to maintain that bitterness and hatred toward someone?  Replaying the offense, rehearsing the words or actions you'd like to inflict upon them, avoiding them, pretending nothing is wrong, losing mutual friends.  And then there's the stress and loss of sleep, heartache and gut-ache,  tears, tantrums and time lost.  Most of the time, the target of our angst isn't even affected by our grudge.  They move on with life, happy and carefree, perhaps not even realizing they're so strongly despised.  And that just fuels our anger even more!

As much as we've all felt this way, it's just as common that we've heard we are to forgive those who wrong us, "Not for them, but for us." Blah blah blah.  Yeah, yeah.  Easier said that done.  But for all the reasons I just listed about how much work it is to keep up the hatred, I actually believe in the idea of forgiving a person because it benefits you more than them.  It improves your physical, emotional, and mental health.  It allows you to move on with your own endeavors without considering them or their affiliations.  Most of all, it frees your soul, unburdening you from the weight of that person's ever-present existence in your world.

Let me explain.

This fabulous link explains that "the Greek word used in the Bible to explain forgiveness is aphiemi.  This word refers to the act of putting something away or of laying it aside [highlight is mine]. In secular Greek literature, aphiemi was a fundamental word used to indicate the sending away of an object or a person. Aphiemi was used to describe the voluntary release of a person or thing over which one has legal or actual control. The related noun aphesis described a setting free. It means 'to abandon, to leave as behind and done with in order to go on to another thing.' For example in a secular Greek writing we read 'let the pot drop', where the verb is aphiemi (think about that grudge you are stubbornly refusing to release your grip!!! Let it go, not just with your words, but from your heart)."

I want you to get the sense that this word for forgiveness is all about letting something go.  Therefore, the opposite - unforgiveness - would have to mean something that is being held onto.

In her book, Living Beyond Yourself, Beth Moore writes the following:

"The Greek word most often used in the New Testament for forgive is aphiemi.  It means 'to let go from one's power or possession, to let go free, to escape.' In essence, the intent of biblical forgiveness is to cut someone loose. The word picture drawn by the Greek terms for unforgiveness is one in which the 'unforgiven' is roped to the back of the unforgiving. How ironic.  Unforgiveness is the means by which we securely bind ourselves to that which we hate most. Therefore, the Greek meaning of forgiveness might best be demonstrated as the practice of cutting loose the person roped to your back."

Did you catch that?  We literally weigh ourselves down by spiritually tying the person we are angry and bitter about to our back!  We carry them with us every day, into every moment and situation.  They are always on our minds because we have placed them there!  And we've done it voluntarily!

Looking at this picture, can you imagine how hard it must be to stand up?  To walk across a room?  To get dressed?  To drive?  To have a conversation?  Constantly readjusting the weight as your back starts to ache and your arms get tired....accommodating the extra space you take up because you can't put this extra person down, not for one moment... Does it exhaust you yet?  This is what we do to ourselves with unforgiveness!

I know the pain of betrayal and loss and lies and gossip and abuse.  I know the struggle of never getting the apology I deserved.  And I know the tremendous burden of carrying a person tied to my back (or several at once!).  But I've also learned the great peace that comes with releasing that weight through forgiveness.

Forgiving a person is not condoning their behavior or excusing their treatment of you.  Forgiving them is not giving them permission to hurt you again in the future.  It is simply freeing you from the negative ties that bind you to them.  And it's allowing you a healthier life - inside and out.  "The essence of the word is in the last part, give. To forgive means to give someone a release from the wrong that he has done to you. It means to give up any right of retaliation."

It isn't always easy.  It doesn't always happen instantly.  It is, however, always necessary. This principle applies to every single one of us. But as Christians, it applies so much more.  We, who have been forgiven much in our sins, are under Christ's command to forgive.

Colossians 3:13 "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

Ephesians 4:31-32 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Mark 11:25 "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

Christ tied our sins to Himself upon the cross, not letting a single one go so that He could then forgive each and every one who would repent and ask His forgiveness.  He did this so that we would never have the burden of voluntarily tying sins (ours or another's) to ourselves.  So forgive!  And be free.

And, while you're at it, seek the Father and ask Him to reveal to you anyone who might have you tied to their backs.  Sometimes we need to offer apologies (even ones we think we don't owe) in order to help another also release us in forgiveness. Unburdening one another is a part of the joy of walking this life together.