When You're in the Struggle

And you want to quit

I haven't done much writing lately, here or anywhere else.  It's been a tough year already.  Actually, it started half way through 2018 and it just isn't letting up.  There have been health things and financial things and relationship things - one is bad enough, but all three just takes it out of you.  You become discouraged and burdened.  You feel alone in your troubles.  You want to talk through it, but there's also an element of wanting to keep it to yourself.  You're embarrassed you aren't handling it better.  You're prideful that you don't want to look weak.  You definitely aren't looking for pity.  So you go back and forth between wanting to cry/scream/vent and locking it all in/shutting down.  

But several weeks ago, a movie clip was shown at church that has continued to roll around in my head.  As I pondered the point made in the movie, I started to realize the result my struggle was having on me and those around me.  I also had a feeling that maybe someone else could use some encouragement with whatever battle they're fighting.  So instead of venting or shutting down, I'm sharing.

The movie is "Facing the Giants" by the Kendrick brothers.  Great Christian feel-good movie about overcoming.  But there is one point where the team already feels defeated and they haven't even played yet. It's about five and a half minutes of your time, and I really hope you'll watch it before continuing: Death Crawl.

Brock (the player) is challenged by his coach to do an exercise with another player on his back.  Brock knows he can go a particular distance alone.  He doesn't want the added weight, but he thinks he can still accomplish what's being asked of him. A bit cocky, he agrees to the task.

          - This is what we often do.  We find ourselves tasked with something. We approach it with disdain, but cocky confidence.  We don't want to do it, but we know we can do it.  We feel defiant - no way this illness/job/relationship/goal is going to beat me.  We get into a fighting stance, we dig deep, and we face it head on.  Especially if we feel it's something similar to what we've accomplished before.

Brock gets going down the field.  He's probably beginning to feel the strain on his body.  But it's the extra weight that he starts to focus on.  At minute 2:38 he tells his coach "It hurts."  At 2:45, he says "He's heavy." At 2:56, Brock cries out again, "It hurts!"  And his coach responds:  "I know it hurts!  You keep going!"

          - But this isn't like previous tasks.  It looked similar, but it isn't.  The weight, the distance, the darkness:  there's something about this struggle that plays with our heads.  There's a switch that gets flipped at some point and we're getting tired, we're getting weak.  "It hurts!"  It hurts to put my heart out there and let it be crushed.  It hurts to try and fail.  It hurts to carry the weight of others.  And yet, we're told to keep going.  Keep trying.  Keep pushing.

          - And like Brock, we cry out "It's hard!" This is no longer the task I thought I could complete.  This isn't a short goal.  This isn't at all like I imagined it would go when I first started.  It's harder than I thought it would be.  It's harder than I want it to be!  And we get distracted with all the doubts and fears and second thoughts. We wonder if the fight is worth it - and we wonder if maybe it's not really our fight.  Maybe the weight of the struggle is too much.  Maybe that relationship isn't worth saving.  Maybe that job wasn't supposed to be yours.  Maybe the dream you had belongs to someone else.  You're full of excuse. You're ready to give up.  What's the point? And that adds an entirely new level of pain and defeat.

And then there's the coach, screaming at you:  

         DON'T QUIT !!!

         DON'T QUIT !!!

         DON'T QUIT !!!

So you push and dig and try and try and try.  And it still hurts.  It burns!  Your body aches, your heart aches, your tears burn your cheeks as they fall.  There's no way you can go on. But the coach tells you "You can! Don't quit!"

Brock doesn't quit, but now it's only because of the coach yelling at him.  His only motivation is the voice telling him 20 more steps, 10 more steps.  He is drained and discouraged and counting down until that final step he can't even see: the end zone.

          - When we're feeling defeated, we feel like all our efforts have been wasted. We aren't paying attention to how far we've come; we only focus on the distance left to cover.  We focus on the burden of the struggle and not the growth that struggle is bringing us.  We get sucked into the personal darkness that says "You'll never get through this."  And maybe we think, "I don't even want to get through this anymore.  I just want it to stop." And we find all the excuses to support that decision, until we're reminded of one simple thing...

As Brock lays on the grass, exhausted and speechless, the coach tells him "You are the most influential person on this team.  If you walk around defeated, so will they."

          - And there's the ah moment for me.  My struggle for the last 8 months has left me feeling useless, incapable, discouraged, worried, weak, a poor steward, more irritable, less loving, definitely less patient, and overall defeated.  And if I am the person in my family that is usually the one pointing out the silver lining, imagine how everyone else must feel if my attitude has changed???

To the person who is usually optimistic, but is having a hard time being encouraging when faced with fear - You are the most influential person on your team!

To the employee who is working on a project, a promotion, a merger, but nothing is going as you’d hoped - You are the most influential person on your team!

To the spouse or parent who is struggling to get through this moment with a loved one and feeling alone - You are the most influential person on your team!

Whatever you’re going through, your efforts matter!  Your attitude, your approach, your determination are all making a difference. If you were to suddenly quit and physically walk away, every person involved would feel your absence. What you are bringing to the struggle is greater than you realize. You may not see it right now. You might be in a particularly difficult moment right now. But if you quit, it will adversely affect everyone else in your circle. Perhaps forever. 

As a Christian, this speaks to me even more deeply. What if my encouragement makes the difference in someone else being positive or negative? What if my determination makes the difference in a family member facing their problems? What if my relationship with Jesus shows someone else the hope He offers to each of us? And if I quit, if I walk away because it hurts and I’m tired and I’m defeated, those people also end up defeated.  My Coach, my God, has been spurring me on, showing me His hand, telling my heart "You can do this! Don't quit!"  And I have been letting my team down.  By worrying about these things, I have failed to lift up those around me.  Because I have chosen to dwell on the negative impact these things could have, I have missed the opportunity to see the positive things that have been happening.  My attitude has directly affected the attitude of people I love, and for that, I'm so very sorry. I don't have to be finished with the struggle to be finished with my defeat.  My team needs me to get back to the business of being a better influence.  

You are the most influential person on your team.  Who is your team?  Is it family? Is it work?  Is it yourself as you plan your future?  Your team will follow your lead.  Lead them as a fighter, digging deep and focused on the goal.  Even if it hurts, keep going.  

I'm not saying it's easy.  I'm not saying it's not heavy;  in fact, it's heavy more often than not. What I am saying is that this struggle is temporary.  It might be weeks long, months long, or years long, but compared to the span of your life, this struggle is not for forever.  And when you are feeling discouraged, look back if you are able.  Sometimes you need to remind yourself that you aren't in the same place you were a short time ago.  Even if you are only a few steps forward, that is still progress.  Do not take away the gains of the struggle just because you're focused on the burden of the struggle. You are closer to the finish than you think you are.  Keep the focus where it belongs - the end zone - and not on the weight and pain of the fight.  You’ll accomplish so much more than you ever thought possible. 

---

Unforgiveness

Casting off what weighs us down

Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things we can face throughout our lives.  There is not one of us who will not find ourselves on the bitter end of being wronged, used, gossiped about, abused, betrayed, swindled, lied to, or any other of a number of things.  We have all been faced at least once with something so painful that we have held a grudge against a person.  More often than not, that person has also deserved our wrath. Withholding our forgiveness is the least of the punishments we'd like to avenge upon them.

But have you ever thought about how much work it is to maintain that bitterness and hatred toward someone?  Replaying the offense, rehearsing the words or actions you'd like to inflict upon them, avoiding them, pretending nothing is wrong, losing mutual friends.  And then there's the stress and loss of sleep, heartache and gut-ache,  tears, tantrums and time lost.  Most of the time, the target of our angst isn't even affected by our grudge.  They move on with life, happy and carefree, perhaps not even realizing they're so strongly despised.  And that just fuels our anger even more!

As much as we've all felt this way, it's just as common that we've heard we are to forgive those who wrong us, "Not for them, but for us." Blah blah blah.  Yeah, yeah.  Easier said that done.  But for all the reasons I just listed about how much work it is to keep up the hatred, I actually believe in the idea of forgiving a person because it benefits you more than them.  It improves your physical, emotional, and mental health.  It allows you to move on with your own endeavors without considering them or their affiliations.  Most of all, it frees your soul, unburdening you from the weight of that person's ever-present existence in your world.

Let me explain.

This fabulous link explains that "the Greek word used in the Bible to explain forgiveness is aphiemi.  This word refers to the act of putting something away or of laying it aside [highlight is mine]. In secular Greek literature, aphiemi was a fundamental word used to indicate the sending away of an object or a person. Aphiemi was used to describe the voluntary release of a person or thing over which one has legal or actual control. The related noun aphesis described a setting free. It means 'to abandon, to leave as behind and done with in order to go on to another thing.' For example in a secular Greek writing we read 'let the pot drop', where the verb is aphiemi (think about that grudge you are stubbornly refusing to release your grip!!! Let it go, not just with your words, but from your heart)."

I want you to get the sense that this word for forgiveness is all about letting something go.  Therefore, the opposite - unforgiveness - would have to mean something that is being held onto.

In her book, Living Beyond Yourself, Beth Moore writes the following:

"The Greek word most often used in the New Testament for forgive is aphiemi.  It means 'to let go from one's power or possession, to let go free, to escape.' In essence, the intent of biblical forgiveness is to cut someone loose. The word picture drawn by the Greek terms for unforgiveness is one in which the 'unforgiven' is roped to the back of the unforgiving. How ironic.  Unforgiveness is the means by which we securely bind ourselves to that which we hate most. Therefore, the Greek meaning of forgiveness might best be demonstrated as the practice of cutting loose the person roped to your back."

Did you catch that?  We literally weigh ourselves down by spiritually tying the person we are angry and bitter about to our back!  We carry them with us every day, into every moment and situation.  They are always on our minds because we have placed them there!  And we've done it voluntarily!

Looking at this picture, can you imagine how hard it must be to stand up?  To walk across a room?  To get dressed?  To drive?  To have a conversation?  Constantly readjusting the weight as your back starts to ache and your arms get tired....accommodating the extra space you take up because you can't put this extra person down, not for one moment... Does it exhaust you yet?  This is what we do to ourselves with unforgiveness!

I know the pain of betrayal and loss and lies and gossip and abuse.  I know the struggle of never getting the apology I deserved.  And I know the tremendous burden of carrying a person tied to my back (or several at once!).  But I've also learned the great peace that comes with releasing that weight through forgiveness.

Forgiving a person is not condoning their behavior or excusing their treatment of you.  Forgiving them is not giving them permission to hurt you again in the future.  It is simply freeing you from the negative ties that bind you to them.  And it's allowing you a healthier life - inside and out.  "The essence of the word is in the last part, give. To forgive means to give someone a release from the wrong that he has done to you. It means to give up any right of retaliation."

It isn't always easy.  It doesn't always happen instantly.  It is, however, always necessary. This principle applies to every single one of us. But as Christians, it applies so much more.  We, who have been forgiven much in our sins, are under Christ's command to forgive.

Colossians 3:13 "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

Ephesians 4:31-32 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Mark 11:25 "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

Christ tied our sins to Himself upon the cross, not letting a single one go so that He could then forgive each and every one who would repent and ask His forgiveness.  He did this so that we would never have the burden of voluntarily tying sins (ours or another's) to ourselves.  So forgive!  And be free.

And, while you're at it, seek the Father and ask Him to reveal to you anyone who might have you tied to their backs.  Sometimes we need to offer apologies (even ones we think we don't owe) in order to help another also release us in forgiveness. Unburdening one another is a part of the joy of walking this life together.