The Mirror and The Scale

How I hate you

The mirror - This flat two-dimensional surface that reflects whatever is in front of it. Where I look multiple times a day. Where I see every flaw. The tiny hairs to pluck. The blemishes that never went away after puberty. The double chin. The hair that does nothing. The curves that aren’t flattering. Stretch marks decades old. Pale skin that will never hold a tan.  In my eyes I can see the disappointment in myself. I can see my lack of self-control. I can see all the ways I’m not the woman I wish I was. The woman the world wishes I was.

The scale - This hidden device is pulled out for only one reason: to measure me against the norm. To show me the number that goes up even when I try to do right. The number that determines the number on my clothes. The number that tells me I’m too much, and therefore not enough. The weight in my heart is heavier than the weight on the scale. 

No two items have ever caused more damage to an individual on a daily basis. And even if the scale can be avoided, the mirror more than makes up for it - using your car windows, computer screen, and reverse camera to catch you off guard and keep you discouraged over and over throughout the day. Every day.

I hate these two items more than any others. And they hate me. They are not kind, but brutally honest. There is no compliment before ruining my day. Any attempt at recovering from their judgement is futile most days.

So I struggle. I struggle to break the cycle with negative self-talk. I struggle with self-love. I struggle to face the day when I see what others will see as soon as I leave this room.

But the mirror doesn’t reflect everything. It can’t reflect the smiles exchanged with others. It doesn’t record all the kisses from my husband. It never plays back all the laughter. It doesn’t keep a record of hugs from my children. It cannot show the prayers I pray for others. 

And the scale cannot measure everything. It cannot know the number of my IQ or bank account or credit score. It does not measure the depth of my relationships or the distance I’d go for my loved ones. It was not designed to weigh the burdens of a mother’s love or a wife’s faithfulness. 

These two items can only do one thing each - report what’s visible on the outside. They show so little of what makes up a person. They may show a beautiful body, but cannot indicate a person’s character, education level, work ethic, talents, loyalties, prejudices, morals, or beliefs. 

The most important things that make up a person are unable to be measured by these two devices. And yet we live by them daily, accepting their information as weighing more than all the other things that make us unique and special and valuable. As if the size of our waist is more important than how we treat others. As if the thinning hair or crooked teeth make us less attractive than the words we throw at others on social media. 

I don’t know how to break the cycle for me. I do know that reminding myself of my other attributes is imperative if I am to find my smile in my reflection. What I am on the outside is NOT the sum of who I am as a person. Who you are on the outside is NOT the sum of who you are as a person. 

One of my favorite movies is Shallow Hal. I wish society would take more time to invest in the inner qualities and reward those than to make others feel worthy and worthless for differing levels of attractiveness. The mental health of average people is suffering. And the ego of above average people is staggering. There's also a song by Barlow Girl called Mirror.  One of the lyrics is "you don't define me."  And that's where I'm making my stand.

 

The image in the mirror is not my beginning and end.

 

The number on the scale is not my beginning and end.

 

I am more than these two devices.  And so are you.

Unforgiveness

Casting off what weighs us down

Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things we can face throughout our lives.  There is not one of us who will not find ourselves on the bitter end of being wronged, used, gossiped about, abused, betrayed, swindled, lied to, or any other of a number of things.  We have all been faced at least once with something so painful that we have held a grudge against a person.  More often than not, that person has also deserved our wrath. Withholding our forgiveness is the least of the punishments we'd like to avenge upon them.

But have you ever thought about how much work it is to maintain that bitterness and hatred toward someone?  Replaying the offense, rehearsing the words or actions you'd like to inflict upon them, avoiding them, pretending nothing is wrong, losing mutual friends.  And then there's the stress and loss of sleep, heartache and gut-ache,  tears, tantrums and time lost.  Most of the time, the target of our angst isn't even affected by our grudge.  They move on with life, happy and carefree, perhaps not even realizing they're so strongly despised.  And that just fuels our anger even more!

As much as we've all felt this way, it's just as common that we've heard we are to forgive those who wrong us, "Not for them, but for us." Blah blah blah.  Yeah, yeah.  Easier said that done.  But for all the reasons I just listed about how much work it is to keep up the hatred, I actually believe in the idea of forgiving a person because it benefits you more than them.  It improves your physical, emotional, and mental health.  It allows you to move on with your own endeavors without considering them or their affiliations.  Most of all, it frees your soul, unburdening you from the weight of that person's ever-present existence in your world.

Let me explain.

This fabulous link explains that "the Greek word used in the Bible to explain forgiveness is aphiemi.  This word refers to the act of putting something away or of laying it aside [highlight is mine]. In secular Greek literature, aphiemi was a fundamental word used to indicate the sending away of an object or a person. Aphiemi was used to describe the voluntary release of a person or thing over which one has legal or actual control. The related noun aphesis described a setting free. It means 'to abandon, to leave as behind and done with in order to go on to another thing.' For example in a secular Greek writing we read 'let the pot drop', where the verb is aphiemi (think about that grudge you are stubbornly refusing to release your grip!!! Let it go, not just with your words, but from your heart)."

I want you to get the sense that this word for forgiveness is all about letting something go.  Therefore, the opposite - unforgiveness - would have to mean something that is being held onto.

In her book, Living Beyond Yourself, Beth Moore writes the following:

"The Greek word most often used in the New Testament for forgive is aphiemi.  It means 'to let go from one's power or possession, to let go free, to escape.' In essence, the intent of biblical forgiveness is to cut someone loose. The word picture drawn by the Greek terms for unforgiveness is one in which the 'unforgiven' is roped to the back of the unforgiving. How ironic.  Unforgiveness is the means by which we securely bind ourselves to that which we hate most. Therefore, the Greek meaning of forgiveness might best be demonstrated as the practice of cutting loose the person roped to your back."

Did you catch that?  We literally weigh ourselves down by spiritually tying the person we are angry and bitter about to our back!  We carry them with us every day, into every moment and situation.  They are always on our minds because we have placed them there!  And we've done it voluntarily!

Looking at this picture, can you imagine how hard it must be to stand up?  To walk across a room?  To get dressed?  To drive?  To have a conversation?  Constantly readjusting the weight as your back starts to ache and your arms get tired....accommodating the extra space you take up because you can't put this extra person down, not for one moment... Does it exhaust you yet?  This is what we do to ourselves with unforgiveness!

I know the pain of betrayal and loss and lies and gossip and abuse.  I know the struggle of never getting the apology I deserved.  And I know the tremendous burden of carrying a person tied to my back (or several at once!).  But I've also learned the great peace that comes with releasing that weight through forgiveness.

Forgiving a person is not condoning their behavior or excusing their treatment of you.  Forgiving them is not giving them permission to hurt you again in the future.  It is simply freeing you from the negative ties that bind you to them.  And it's allowing you a healthier life - inside and out.  "The essence of the word is in the last part, give. To forgive means to give someone a release from the wrong that he has done to you. It means to give up any right of retaliation."

It isn't always easy.  It doesn't always happen instantly.  It is, however, always necessary. This principle applies to every single one of us. But as Christians, it applies so much more.  We, who have been forgiven much in our sins, are under Christ's command to forgive.

Colossians 3:13 "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

Ephesians 4:31-32 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Mark 11:25 "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

Christ tied our sins to Himself upon the cross, not letting a single one go so that He could then forgive each and every one who would repent and ask His forgiveness.  He did this so that we would never have the burden of voluntarily tying sins (ours or another's) to ourselves.  So forgive!  And be free.

And, while you're at it, seek the Father and ask Him to reveal to you anyone who might have you tied to their backs.  Sometimes we need to offer apologies (even ones we think we don't owe) in order to help another also release us in forgiveness. Unburdening one another is a part of the joy of walking this life together.