Feeling Less Than

Certainly Not Equal To

I've been quiet lately.  There's been some stuff going on.  Not relationship/crisis/illness stuff.  Personal, introspective, emotional stuff.  Self-worth and value stuff.  Feeling less than stuff.

Can anyone relate?

I'm usually a very optimistic person.  I find the silver lining. I look for the good.  I'm also a realist, but I want to be encouraging even during the bad and ugly times.  But when the bad or ugly finds its way into my own heart, staying positive becomes a challenge.  It's not something I like admitting, much less revealing to others, but in the hope that someone else will find solace, I'm putting it out here.

So let's get real.  Real ugly, but real.

In no particular order, this is where I'm at:

             *My weight is up.  I was down 32lbs two years ago.  Six months of moving issues and all that entails and I gained some of it back.  I lost 16 of it again last year, but the gym failed to uphold their end of the contract and long story short, I left.  Add to this the other things on the list and I'm back where I started two years ago.  It's disgusting.

             *I am a failure at being a household engineer.  My strengths do no lie in cleaning.  I can do it, I'm just not motivated.  My house is usually good enough that someone could come to the door. But not right now.  Now we'd have to scramble to get the place acceptable enough to answer.  And while I can cook/bake, I don't enjoy it.  Because my husband works an odd shift, I've been able to use that as an excuse not to make dinner.  Fortunately my daughter enjoys cooking.  Otherwise, it's just night after night of "get it yourself."  It's horrible of me.

             *This seems a good point to admit that I'm a loser at the parenting thing.  My girls are teenagers so they don't require me to meet every need they have.  They can bathe themselves and feed themselves (as I've established) and entertain themselves.  They don't want me around all the time and that's normal.  But I've let that slip into an easy routine of "they don't need me."  Mentally I know that there's a difference between wanting me and needing me, but I'm not doing anything to engage them.  It's inexcusable.

             *On top of being extremely lazy in every area of life, I'm lonely.  It would be one thing to say that I'm ignoring my other responsibilities because I'm too busy being social (whether it's doing good or bad).  However, I'm not even able to say that.  I have my errands and my appointments (I do buy the groceries I don't cook and get us to the doctor when necessary); but most of my days are spent wishing I had a social life.  I do get together one day a week with a group of ladies from church for a study.  And I have lunch with a friend every few months.  And I've got a dinner with a group of friends that I go to every 8-12 weeks.  So that's something.  But on a daily basis, I'm just lonely.  It's beyond boredom.  It's the desire to reach others, do good, feel heard and understood the same way I'm trying to hear and understand.  It's the true intimacy you gain by being real and vulnerable with others.  That's missing.  And it's painful.

             *To add insult to injury, I'm pathetic at long distance.  I've let my family and friends fall to the side.  I'm here complaining about being lonely, but I make little to no effort to keep in touch with those in my life who already matter.  Text allows for a good cover up - send a few lines and it looks like I'm keeping in touch.  But a true, heartfelt connection?  I've let the distance in miles create a distance in the heart.  I didn't mean to.  It just sort of happened.  But how can I complain about being lonely when I have a support system already built in that I'm ignoring?  It's heartbreaking.

             *The culmination of all these things - things that bother me individually, but some days two or more will weight heavy on me - leads me to a feeling of utter worthlessness.  I get the internal dialogue going with perfect accusations of "You're ugly, you have no purpose, you have nothing to offer your family or anyone else."  And while some days I can silence the voice and see the lies for what they are, there are other days when they sound so much like the truth that I can't find a way to believe anything else about myself.  And it's scary.

So that's where I've been lately.  Is there anyone who can identify with me?  I feel alone in this, but I'm surely not.

During a tough day several weeks ago, I cried and cried and cried.  I cried out to the Lord to show me what it feels like to be loved because I was just not feeling it.  Not from anyone else and certainly not from myself.  I needed Him to step in and say something that would show me some love. 

And you know what happened?  He did!

As I lay in my bed, crying the ugly cry (but silently because I didn't want my husband to know how hurt and damaged I was feeling), I longed for my God to come close.  I asked Him to love me.  And in my heart, I heard Him say, "I have loved you with an everlasting love."  Just like that.  That one sentence.  And do you know it changed my heart in an instant!  To be reminded that I've been loved throughout all time, all creation; before I existed and after I'm gone, I've been loved.  I was suddenly crying with relief and love and gratitude.  That my Father in Heaven would hear me and care enough to show me He loves me in that moment was so powerful.  I was able to fall asleep and find rest after that.

Unfortunately, I found myself in a much worse state of mind this past weekend.  Feelings of unworthiness were compounded by my perceived failures as a human being.  I couldn't think of one thing of value that I had to offer or contribute to anyone that someone else couldn't also offer.  Anyone else could fill my shoes and they would certainly do it better than I ever could or would.  I was deep into self-pity and pretty close to self-loathing.  I was a mess. 

I talked to no one about my feelings.  I felt that they either wouldn't understand or wouldn't care.  So I just stayed to myself and cried.  It was the ugly cry again, but it was somehow worse because my prayers didn't come quite so easily.  I did pray, but they were short and to the point:  God, help me!  Over and over, GOD, HELP ME!

I couldn't help myself out of my stupor and I knew it.  And it was miserable.

Later in the day, my husband was able to talk to me about a few things.  And while those things were not the terribly troubling things on my heart, his conversation and his love were a balm to my soul.  I accepted what I could and tried to believe the truth of his words and love.

But I did have a breakthrough. 

It came late Sunday afternoon.  I was cleaning up around the house (shocking, I know, after I admitted how horrible I am at it) and I heard a phrase from the TV:  "who is against you."  It was just a line from a character on some movie, but it struck me:  Who is against me?  The enemy, the devil, Satan himself is against me!  He comes to steal, kill, and destroy!  He steals my optimism, he kills my joy, he destroys my self-esteem.  And he's not satisfied until he has me defeated, crying the ugly cry, not believing anything good about myself.  I realized right then that he'd been coming at me for a while.

But the neat part, the God part, was what came next.  My heart asked me "who is for me?" 

Anyone???

"If God is for us, who can be against us?"  

Romans 8:31

Suddenly there were burdens being lifted from my heart!  I could hear Him telling me, "If I am for you, who can be against you?  No one!  Not the devil, not your neighbor, not even yourself.  You cannot be against yourself, for I AM FOR YOU."

Oh my great and glorious Father!  What a wonderful, healing, loving reminder to my hurt heart.  When my mind had created in me the belief that I am of no value, no worth, my Creator Father came close to gently and loudly tell my heart that I have great value and great worth because HE SAYS SO. 

Too many times we find ourselves caught in this cycle of repeat - I failed at that, I have no worth, why try again, I failed again, why try, I have no worth.  And while we are listening to the reel play over and over, we miss or ignore anyone in our lives who are telling us anything else.  We are somehow convinced that no one is on our side, no one understands, and no one cares.  But God is in the background, longing to be called over long enough for us to hear Him say, "I am for you!  I'm on your side!  You are the greatest thing in My creation!"  If only we would call Him over sooner so our hearts could be touched.

I'm not totally free from my heartaches.  I am still praying for bonds to be broken as I want to live free from the chains of these lies.  I know there are things I can and must do for myself to change my circumstances.  But the Lord is so faithful to stay close to me and remind me that I am worth making those changes for.  I am valuable enough to invest the time and energy into myself to see those changes take place.  

My progress will not be overnight, but I will make progress.  I will look at my list and do something toward correcting each one of these things each day.  Some days I will have better success than others, but I will not fail.  

Because my God is for me, even I cannot be against me.








I hope that my raw vulnerability and subsequent moments of God's hope will touch someone who needs it.  If there is a reader out there who is walking this dark, lonesome road, know that you are not alone!  It feels that way, but that's not the truth.  There are those of us who know what it's like to feel like a failure at every little thing.  Your Father says He is for you!  See the enemy in that dark place and know that he is the one encouraging you to stay there.  Cry out to the Lord and He will answer!  Because He is for you, no devil, no enemy, not even yourself can be against you.

The Prodigal Son Part 2

A spared child...

Luke 15:25-32  “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’ The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ ‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

In part one, I explained how I've really felt badly for this Older Son for quite a while.  But The Lord began to show me more of the story - the forgotten blessings of being the good son.

This Older Son had been so angered by the return of his brother, so upset for himself, that he forgot how good his life has been.  His father tells him "Everything I have is yours."  The son is already enjoying the blessings of his relationship with his father.  He has always provided for- every need of food, clothing, shelter, and a job.  He has never been ostracized from family or lost his station in society.  He has never walked the road of needing delivered from squander, homelessness, filth, or addiction.  In doing everything he was supposed to, he lived the life he desired.  He may not have left home and experienced a different life, but he did get the life he chose - he chose not to leave home when his brother chose to leave home.

So why did he think he needed recognition for doing the right thing?
Why did he think he deserved a party for taking care of his responsibilities?

Because he isn't thinking about what he has.  He's thinking about what he doesn't have.  He didn't have the excitement and good times his brother had.  He's missed out on so much!  He's forgetting that in missing out on his brother's escapades, he's also missed out on his brother's heartache.

And now I can see that he ABSOLUTELY mattered to his father!  His father kept him in the home, working with him daily, enjoying a relationship with him despite his brother's absence.  Large parties and celebrations didn't happen because every day was a joy to the father who had one of his son's home.  And in being home, the Older Son had many, many more moments and memories with his father than his brother, who missed out on them by being gone.  What is truly sad is that in all his thinking of being the "good son," what became evident was his evil heart.  He couldn't even be happy that his brother was home, safe and reconciled.  Because I have identified with the Older Son, that has also been my heart:  evil and jealous, unable to find joy for someone else in their repentance and blessing because I was so focused on how I was being left out and being "good."

The beauty of the story of the Prodigal Son is that of the wayward son who realized his mistakes and, in humility, came home to reconcile with a father who ran to greet him with open arms.  It is a picture Jesus wanted to instill in us as the picture of our Heavenly Father when one of His children comes running to Him for forgiveness.  The hidden beauty of the story of the Prodigal Son is that of the compliant son who shows us his hurting heart at his perceived injustice of the situation.  By looking deeper, we can see that while he is hurt, he is also wrong.  He has been blessed and rewarded many, many times over.

I can imagine the conversation between the two brothers:

Older:  It's so unfair that you got a celebration for doing everything wrong when I've been here, having no fun, and doing everything right.  How lucky are you!

Younger:  If you think my life away was fun, let me tell you about starvation. And having no bath.  And living with the pigs.  If I could, I would trade all that time back for a chance to stay here and work in the field.  You were the lucky one.

It is in this same way that God our Father blesses us when we are faithful.  We are spared the tragedy of separation from Him when we are living obedient lives.  We are kept close in relationship with Him when we choose to follow His Son.  We do not get the heavenly choir of approval singing over us every day, but we do have a life full of joy and peace and guidance because we have a Father who knows we are where we belong.  We may miss some of the "fun" of the world, but we are also missing the consequences of that fun.  And we may be living to a standard that isn't always easy or enjoyable, but we are living a life we chose - a life with Christ.

In my years of feeling sorry for and identifying with the Older Son, I missed the blessing of being where I am and what I've been spared.  I do not have a dramatic salvation story or a life of hardship turned 180 upon giving my life over to Jesus.  But I also do not bear the scars of such hard living.  I instead have the sweet treasures and memories of my Father's attention and affection.  I have the evidence of His love in my daily life as He has led me and guided me and preserved me.  I have the security of knowing that all my needs are met, as are many desires.  I have learned that while it can be frustrating to do the right thing and not be celebrated for it, it is better than the alternative of living a hard life because the need for attention is greater than the love being offered.

I am so thankful to be the Older Son, or daughter in my case.  I am so thankful that I have not had to learn the hard lessons of running from my true calling as a child of God.  But the truth is, we are all Prodigal Sons and Daughters.  We have all been without God at some point in our lives.  For every one of us, there was a time before we decided to believe in and trust in Jesus as our Savior.  There was a moment in which we were the Prodigal Son running for the Father's arms as He ran toward us, joyful that we had come to Him.

For some, you are still living without the Father by refusing Jesus as your Savior.  The Father still waits, looking in the distance to see a figure running for His arms, crying out for forgiveness.  So we can all identify with the Prodigal Son:  doing our own thing, realizing it's not working, and returning to the One who has loved us all along. 

Don't stay away one second more!  The Father is waiting.  He will celebrate your arrival.  And this time, all of His sons and daughters will celebrate with Him.

"Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent." Luke 15:4-7

The Prodigal Son Part 1

A compliant child...

Luke 15:11-32  Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them. Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything. When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’ The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’ ‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

Over the years, every time I read this passage, I feel sorry for the older brother. I'm sure I can't be the only one out there that's thought he got forgotten along the way in this story.  I've given it a lot of thought over the years. In fact, it's bothered me quite a bit.  I've heard enough sermons to understand the point Jesus was making - there is rejoicing in the Kingdom when a wayward child comes to the Father.

But what about the child who didn't stray?  What about the child who didn't squander?  The child who was loyal and steadfast and obedient?  What about that person???  Many of us have been able to identify with him more than the wayward son.  We aren't rebellious or demanding.  We are cooperative and obedient.  We are helpful and reliable and appropriate.  We would never imagine doing the things the Prodigal Son represents.

So here are my thoughts from the perspective of the Older son:
*He stayed to help the family
*He was a good steward of what he had
*He was trustworthy with others' things (money, items)
*He was responsible and did what he was told to do
*He was faithful and loyal
*No one ever had to worry about the choices he was making
*No one ever had to bail him out of poor choices

It was clearly not fair that the one who screwed up was celebrated.
The Older Son was treated as if it was expected that he would never behave the way the Prodigal Son had, but when the brother acted out, he got a party?!?

These are the thoughts that have run through my head over the years.  I wonder if the Older Son ever felt like "what's the point?"  After he sees the celebration of his screw up brother, I'd think he'd want a chance to go out and enjoy life a bit too.  Especially if it didn't appear to have any negative consequences.  Here he had done everything right, everything expected of him, and it never even mattered in the eyes of his father.

At first glance, there seems to be some very well deserved righteous anger going on here.  This poor guy has worked and worked, remained at home, making a life on his father's land, helping the family, all while the brother got out of his own responsibilities and "sowed his wild oats."  And the rejection!  This good son is still working in the field while everyone else is celebrating.  They never even came out to get him!  He had to walk up and find the party in full swing, ask about the commotion, learn of his brother being the guest of honor, and no one even thought to invite him!  What a big thank you and slap in the face!

Yes, I have had a few problems with this story in my life.  Often because I have felt just this way.  I've done the right thing (or tried to do more right than actual defiance).  I've worked more than I've played.  I've stayed when I've wanted to leave.  And I've watched others run amok, ignore the rules, be selfish, hurt others, all in the name of themselves and their fun; and then watch those same people come back with their tail between their legs, asking for help out of the mess they created, expecting and getting!!! a full pardon from the ones they abandoned on their journey of 'self discovery.'  Let me tell you, it is not enjoyable being the Older Son.

But as The Lord has matured me and my thinking, as He has guided my studies and my healed my hurts, He has shown me that there is more to this story.  For instance, there's jealousy.  The Older Son worked hard and now he's upset that the Prodigal Son got to have all the fun AND was welcomed home as a hero.  That didn't go over well.  And how about pride?  Here's a guy who thought that he was sooo much better because he'd never screwed up like his brother had.  Again, not very pretty.  And as much as I'd like to say that his anger was truly righteous, I'm afraid it wasn't.  He wasn't angry because something wrong had been done - he was angry because something wrong had been made right. 

Think about that for a moment.

And then join me for Part Two of The Prodigal Son.

Is God Too Big...

...to come near?

Do you ever sit and ponder the greatness of God?  I don't mean the holiness or how great His mercy is (although those are also worth pondering).  I mean His literally GREATNESS - His size, His abilities, His awesome, wondrous, imagination and creativity.  His greatness is almost incomprehensible at times.

There is a video by Louis Giglio called "How Great is Our God."  Part 1 is here and I'd like you to go watch it before reading any further.

No, seriously, go watch it.  It's ten minutes.  But it will be the best ten minutes you spend today.

I'll wait.







If you didn't watch it, you're not going to appreciate this next part.  I really hope you watched it.

Our Milky Way Galaxy

So at what point was your mind blown?  The longer he talked, and the more comparisons he made, the smaller I felt.  Like really small.  So small to the point of not mattering.  I know I've had the prayers that aren't as significant or life changing as others' needs or prayers.  I've felt that my problems are so much less problematic than others' problems.  But this video just sort of added to that feeling of...."I am so unimportant in the big, giant, universal, multi-galaxy big picture."

Did you feel like that too?  Just a little?

That we believe in and pray to a God who is so mighty and powerful that He's created all this stuff - the stuff we see like animals and trees and other people and the skies and the oceans - but He's also created all this stuff we can't see - like the planets and nebulae and other galaxies that are so majestic, so beautiful, so unique, that I just feel inferior when I think of little 'ole me.

Thousands of documented galaxies

I mean, I think about the biggest thing we have on Earth is probably the ocean.  The ocean is massive.  So big that scientists don't think we've discovered all the creatures in it yet.  That's pretty big.  And when I look out at it and it has seemingly no end, that's big.  When out on a ship, in the middle of that ocean, with nothing but water on every horizon and nothing but water for miles - MILES - below you, that is scary big.  And that's not the biggest thing out in the great expanse of creation.  It's nothing compared to other planets and galaxies.  And I am nothing compared to that massive ocean.  Are you seeing my teeny tiny self-image here?

And yet....

God chose to come close to us.

Helix Nebula aka "Eye of God" Nebula

This great, big, Creator God of the Universe chose to make Earth His footstool (Isaiah 66:1).  Think about that:  a footstool is a resting place for one's feet.  It has to be in close proximity of the person's seat.  And when that person gets up, they remove their feet from the foot stool and then lean forward, placing them in a perfect position to observe the footstool from a closer perspective.

Scripture tells us that God desired a closer perspective of Earth from its very creation.  In the Garden of Eden, God walked with Adam and Eve (Genesis 3:8).  He appeared as a burning bush to Moses on Mount Sinai (Exodus 3:2).  In the desert, God appeared to the Israelites as a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night (Exodus 13:21).  He then appeared to Moses again on Mount Sinai when He gave Moses the Ten Commandments (Exodus 33:18-23).

"Hand of God" Nebula

The full verse of Isaiah 66:1 says, "Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool. Where is the house you will build for me? Where will my resting place be?"  This tells us that God not only wanted a closer look, He in fact wanted to dwell here.  Here - on this tiny planet in the middle of space surrounded by a whole lot more stuff.  Exodus 25 gives the guidelines for the Tabernacle which the Israelites would build.  God promises that He will be in their presence in the ark of the covenant they were to build.  Later God gives instructions for the Temple to be built (1 Kings 6).  It was called The House of God and The Lord promised "I will live among the Israelites" (verse 13).  A house is a pretty permanent dwelling.

"Hand of God" Nebula, different angle

Still later, God came forward to the world in an even greater way - through His Son, Jesus the Messiah.  Jesus, Yeshua, was named Immanuel, which means "God with us" (Isaiah 7:14, Matthew 1:23).  God, creator of the vast universe, came so close as to walk among mankind in the form of a man.  One hundred percent God and one hundred percent man, just so He could live, walk, teach, love, die, and rise again in the flesh.

And if that wasn't enough, He then sent His Holy Spirit (John 14:26, Acts 2) to forever indwell in every person who would believe on Jesus and accept the free gift of salvation from their sins.  Now, instead of being contained in one location, in an ark or temple, in one Man, God is present in the lives of every believer - every moment of every day, forever.  Here - on this tiny planet, among so many other places in the universe.

This great, big, giant, amazing, Creator God who has made so much that I feel inferior by comparison has instead decided that I am so special, so important, so loved, that He wants to come close and be a part of my life - in every facet, every decision, every moment of every day.  That is simply astonishing.

Cross found at center of Whirlpool Galaxy

Now when I think about how big God is, I think of Him as being far off for a purpose:  far away enough that He can look at the universe He created and enjoy it.  As if looking out upon all these things gives Him joy.  Like a window looking out at a scenic view; just as we enjoy looking out at creation and sit in wonder of the vastness and beauty all around us, so He must enjoy looking at all the splendor He can see from His vantage point. 

And I marvel that a God so big as to create all that I see and so very much more that I can't see, would care enough to come near to us who are so small by comparison.  I am shocked at His attention to our tiny spot in the great big picture of space.  I am humbled by His desire to care about the things that are troubling us.  I am thrilled at His longing to be a part of our lives.  I am so thankful for His plan to make us so much more important than all the other things He has created. 

He is too big to consider any other alternative except coming near to us.

And that is the most amazing thing of all.

UPDATE:  On January 20, 2015, this video was released to show a very small glimpse into our nearest spiral galaxy, Andromeda.  It is mind blowing to imagine that there is all of this out there - and still our Creator God chose to come close to US!  Each one of us!  If you don't feel special yet, I hope seeing this will get you there.

When I view and consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, 

the moon and the stars, which You have ordained and established,  

What is man that You are mindful of him, 

and the son of man that You care for him? Psalm 8:3-4

Crying Over Spilled Milk

...and leaving a sour attitude...

While we both sat in bed reading last night, I readjusted and accidentally made my husband spill his drink (it was tea, not milk by the way) that he'd had propped up next to him.  There hadn't been much in the cup, but it tipped over and left a nice little puddle on the bed with a few ice cubes.  At the same time as I said "I'm sorry" and was rising to go get a towel, he was acting like I'd done it on purpose:  animated, asking me what I thought I was doing, didn't I see his drink....By the time I got a towel, I was near tears.

All I could think about was the FULL glass he'd spilled on the carpet two weeks ago.  Twice.  I hadn't gotten upset.  I just got a towel (twice), soaked it all up (twice), picked up the ice (twice), told him it was no big deal even as he apologized. TWICE.  I kept thinking about how if anyone should be upset about this, it should be me, not him.  And now I am upset, but for a different reason.

He'd really hurt my feelings.  I went downstairs for a while.  I didn't want to be around him.  I was feeling sorry for myself and seeing the injustice of it all - my kindness toward him and his blame toward me.  I didn't need that kind of attitude.

A little while later, I ventured back upstairs.  It was late, and I was going to bed.  In the time that I'd been gone, my husband had fallen asleep.  Good.  So I climbed into bed, turned out the light, and hear, "I'm sorry I snapped at you.  I love you."

Great.

He's going to apologize and that's it?  It's over?  No way!  He hurt my feelings and he thinks one "I'm sorry" and one "I love you" fixes it?

So I stayed quiet.  I got my pillows perfect and my blankets pulled up.  I was comfortable and I was quiet.

And then ever so softly, my heart said, 'He was sincere in his apology.  He didn't mean to snap at you.  You need to speak to him.'

But I wasn't ready to stop being hurt!  I wasn't satisfied with his heart-felt apology!  He didn't act like he appreciated my hurt feelings enough!

And then that little voice again:  "Never once have I withheld My forgiveness from you."

What does God do when we mess up and then we go to Him to apologize?

*Does He wallow in His hurt feelings?  He would have every right.  Our sin separates us from Him.

*Does He play with our hearts, making us feel guilty for our behavior?  He would have every right.  We hurt Him with our sin choices.

*Or does He accept our sincere apology and welcome us into His arms?  He lifts our burden from our heart and pulls us close.

In that moment, I realized I never want God to treat me the way I was treating my husband.  How horrible to imagine going to the Father with a broken heart, with real repentance, and Him telling me, "I'm not ready to stop being hurt.  I'm not satisfied with your apology."  What a moment of hopelessness!  That no matter how sincere I was, that my Father was going to be silent and withhold His affection from me.

I immediately confessed my attitude to The Lord and thanked Him for His insight.  Then I turned to my husband and said all the things that I had on my heart about my hurt feelings.  He shared that he had dozed off and when the cup spilled, he'd been surprised.  His surprise came out sounding angry and blaming when he didn't intend it as such.  I felt better because I understood his reaction, and he also understood my position.  I held him close and told him I loved him.  And the burden of my attitude was lifted.

There are always going to be moments of hurt feelings and injustices.  But we need to extend the same grace to others who hurt us that God extends to us when we hurt Him. Our hearts are fragile and can be easily injured.  And they need soothing and honest efforts made to promote healing.  But when that real effort is made, it is our responsibility to accept it quickly and fully in order to preserve the relationship.  To do anything less is to inflict new injury and new brokenness.


"There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1)
 
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

Replacing "I"

And inserting LORI

Autocorrect is a crazy thing.  When it works correctly, it's a handy tool for editing typing mistakes.  When it doesn't work correctly, it's a cross between comic relief, Freudian slips, and monumental humiliation.

Often when I type the word Lord, autocorrect changes it to my name.  I find myself constantly proofreading - the thought of contributing something to God, but it comes out as my idea is horrible.  Despite being an unintended error, it would also be accidentally blasphemous.

The other day, it occurred to me what a great analogy this is:  often in life, we claim that we are following the Lord, praising the Lord, living for the Lord; when in fact we are replacing Him with "I."  I follow my own interests, I praise my own works, I live for myself.  The secret autocorrect of my mind tells the truth about the secret desires in my heart.  I might say it's about the LORD, but what I'm really doing is making it about LORI.

And then I heard a song on the radio.

I can't remember the song.  Just the line.  I've searched for the song, but this lyric is in a lot of popular Christian songs so I haven't been able to find it.  But it doesn't matter.  What matters is the lyric.

"King of Glory"

I was driving along, not really paying attention to the song.  But then I heard the chorus and a man's voice singing those three little words.  Only what I heard was 

"King of Lori"

Suddenly it was as if the Lord was saying, "I'm your king.  I'm yours.  It's personal."

I admit I got a little choked up at that.

UPDATE:  I heard the song again and made sure to write it down!  It's "This is Amazing Grace" by Phil Wickham. 

And it got me thinking.  What if I added this personal moment to my secret selfishness?  Although I am wrong to focus on me and my desires and my will, the Lord was also showing me that sometimes it's okay to place yourself into the equation.  It's not that I'm to be glorified, but that I need to remember that the One I glorify also takes delight in me.  In me!  Personally!  Even as I am in my unholy moments of selfishness.

I heard once that a pastor liked the KJV of the Bible because it uses the word "hearken" when the speaker wanted to get the reader's attention.  This pastor's name was Ken, and he felt it was God saying, "Hear, Ken.  Don't miss this!"  I think that's a neat way of looking at it.

So many times we take for granted that scripture is living.  We read the black and red words and maybe get a nugget or two.  But we lose the vision that the words are for us.  As individuals.  Those words are personal and intimate and we gloss over them without ever placing ourselves on the pages and in the gaps of the words.

I is such an important letter in our language.  It's used in countless words, but it also makes up its own very important word all by itself.  It is a regal letter, standing tall and important.  And that's how we apply it to ourselves - with pride and purpose and distinction.  But it's a letter that gets us into trouble.  It's a letter that removes the need for anyone else.  It's a letter that leaves us alone and broken.  And so it is a letter than needs to be replaced.  Ensure instead of insure. Love instead of just live.  Bond rather than bind.  Be salt instead of silt. 

But don't forget to insert yourself where necessary.  See your importance not through your own eyes, but through the eyes of the very One who made you.  See yourself through the pages of His creation and His plan for you, rather than through the plans you have for yourself.  By inserting yourself into the story, you become a participant in the promises.  Find your place among the black and red words; hear your name whispered throughout time.

Know that when you replace your pride with God's worth, He becomes your KING!

 

Unicorns and Rhinos

Never Give Up on Your Dreams

This poor sweating Rhino, running her heart out on a treadmill.  She looks with yearning and determination at the poster beside her.  The poster shows a svelte unicorn looking regal and confident.  And the encouraging message this image is meant to offer:  Never give up on your dreams.

I've seen this image several times in my life. Every so often, it makes its way around Facebook, being shared as an inspiration for all.  And while I understand the idea behind the picture, I have a problem with this every time I see it. Actually, I have several problems with it.

1. Our heroine is a rhino (I'm assuming she's meant to be a female.  I'm not sure how many men would be inspired by a male rhino who is in turn inspired by a male unicorn).  She is a heavy girl, but she has decided that needs to change.  She's chosen the image that best represents who she thinks she needs to be and she's going for it.  But by its very definition, a rhino is a large mammal - created to be a particular shape. God didn't make a skinny rhino (or elephant or whale or hippo) for a reason. In the same way, He didn't make large ladybugs, butterflies, or bumble bees. Each is created in perfection. Each is unique and wondrous. Why should a rhino attempt to be anything other than what it was created to be?

2. Let's turn to the perfectly toned unicorn.  She is a lovely thing.  Who wouldn't want to have that physique?  Except that the unicorn doesn't exist.  She's a created image of an animal mistranslated and misrepresented that a portion of the world has accepted as truth.  How similar this is to the distorted images in magazines, where we are conditioned to accept that edited photos are the measuring stick of our value.  That the female rhino believes she must work to obtain a particular body is sad enough. But that she believes she must work to achieve false and impossible perfection is the real tragedy. Add to that the implication that your dreams are forever unattainable - because no matter how hard you try, they'll always be false.  Just a fantasy.

3. The picture implies weight. Big rhino, skinny unicorn, running treadmill - not much to mess up on that analysis.  But I think it's an analogy that fits many situations. We see what others have achieved and want so badly to obtain their lifestyle or attain their status. We think we aren't good enough until we are something else - usually based on someone else's unrealistic standards.  So we sweat and dig deep and tell ourselves to "never give up;" but the reality is that unless we are working on goals that are good for us specifically, we are simply trying to mimic what we think is best.

The truth is, if we are not working on the condition of our hearts, any outer change is obsolete. We may be beautiful, successful, rich, smart, skinny, fashionable, famous, or popular; but if our heart is full of pride, hate, selfishness, bitterness, unforgiveness, or anger, nothing else matters. No dream realized or goal achieved will ever be greater than the person you are in your heart.

Only God can give you your worth.  He deems that you are priceless and valuable.  And His goals and dreams for you may not be the goals and dreams He has for someone else.  That doesn't make you less of a person - it makes you unique.  It makes you...YOU.

God is a Creator of diversity and originality.  There are so many species He's created, creatures are still being discovered.  There's no logic to adapt or evolve into something else when He obviously created everything differently for a reason.

So stop looking to be a unicorn! If you're a rhino, be the best rhino you can be! If you're a turtle, be the best turtle ever! If you're a dragonfly, be the best dragonfly the world has ever known!

There's only one of each of us - we need to remember how amazing that fact is.


*Disclaimer:  I am in no way implying that anyone is an animal.  I'm sticking with the metaphor of the story, not trying to be mystical.  Bottom line - be the best YOU.