...in you.....
Have you ever wanted something really badly so you decide to save up the money to buy it? If you're like most people, what you do in the meantime is research. You read the reviews, find out the exact specs of the item you want, see what the competition is. Let's say it's a new car: you do your research, you find the make and model you want, you know the gas mileage, the engine size, the safety features. But what color do you want? Cloth or leather? Sunroof? Alloy wheels? Upgrades to the sound system, alarm system, navigation system? By the time you walk into the dealership, you know EXACTLY what you are looking for. And you know there may be a couple things you'll have to compromise on like color or alloy wheels. Or maybe you aren't willing to compromise anything, but you know that you'll have to compromise your time to wait on that exact car to come along (or be made) so you're sure to get everything you want. But that's okay, because this is a big decision. A car costs a lot of money and you should get exactly what you're looking for.
How about a house? Again, the research - neighborhood crime rates, school zones, commute times to work. You want to know how much comps are from one zip code to the next. And as you narrow down your desired area, you have to make a list of all the things you want IN your house. Brick or vinyl? One story or two? Carport or garage? Acreage or lot? How many bathrooms and bedrooms? Carpet or hardwood? You want the whole package: open floor plan with a living room and dining room, den for the kids, finished basement, dedicated office, large master suite, a guest room, a pool, an upgraded kitchen and it all needs to come in $50,000 less than what you're willing to pay. Okay, maybe that's pushing it, but you know what I mean. You want exactly what you want and you will look at many, many, MANY houses before you finally realize you need to reevaluate your expectations. But no matter what, there are some things you
will not compromise because this is an enormous decision and you should get exactly what you're looking for.
So.....what about.....your relationship?
How many of you reading this have ever thought about (much less, written down) exactly what you're looking for in a significant other? How many of you have given any thought about the kind of person you will spend the rest of your life with, outside of the "gorgeous" and "rich" categories? Maybe you know you like dark hair or light eyes, you like the kind of car he drives or the kind of clothes she wears. But what about everything else? Where's your list of haves and have nots? Perhaps it would look something like this:
*I'm looking for a person who is kind, funny, compassionate, motivated, educated, silly, giving
*I'm looking for a person who is tall/short, thin/curvy, athletic/healthy, social/homebody
*I'm looking for a person who can cook, clean, change the oil, play an instrument, dance, travel
*I'm looking for a person who does/doesn't smoke, does/doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't have a criminal past, isn't a liar/cheat/deadbeat
*I'm looking for a person who does/doesn't want kids, wants/doesn't want pets, doesn't live with their parents, pays their bills on time, is financially responsible
*I'm looking for a person who will love me, listen to me, not abuse me, not play games with me, be loyal and be faithful
*I'm looking for a person who loves God and has given his/her life to Christ so that we can build a relationship and family on a solid foundation.
*I'm looking for a person who will pray with me, go to church with me, serve with me, lead me/work with me, study with me and spend a lifetime with me
Anybody have a list like this? Not
exactly like this, but a list of things that
YOU are looking for? Do you even
KNOW what you're looking for to be able to
make a list? Why is it we make grocery lists and chore lists, we research colleges, and cars, and houses; but we rarely, if ever, make a list of the most important thing we will ever do in our lives - a picture of the person we will commit to and have children with.
I think the answer lies in the suggestion that we don't first know ourselves. We don't know what we want, past surface ideas. We know we want good looking and successful, but after that, we just figure it out as we go. But as we go, we find ourselves dating people who should have never made it past a first date. We give time to people long after they deserve to still be in our lives because.....why? Is it because we think they will change? Is it because we think we can change them? Or is it because
they change
us? If we don't know what we want, what we're looking for, we will go with whatever comes our way. We like what they like, we do what they do, we go where they go....because we don't know what else to do. So the first thing is to know ourselves. And making that list of what you want will start that process.
As you make a list of what you're looking for, write down
everything. Hair color, job, salary, education level, geographically location - if you could make the perfect mate for yourself, what would they look like? Character, past, religion, kids, nationality, whatever. Write it down. Then go back and put a star next to the things you're willing to compromise: maybe you don't want a guy with a beard, but you know, if it's the right guy, you could live with it. Maybe you don't want a girl with tattoos, but if the girl of your dreams had one, you might not mind it after all. What would be okay to live with? Then you need to highlight the things you absolutely will not compromise: she cannot be a shoplifter, he cannot be 35 and living on his parents sofa. Highlight those things that will matter long after the first few dates.
Remember the example of the car? Imagine going shopping for a car and you had no idea what you wanted. You'd be spending a lot of time at the dealership and really be getting on a salesperson's nerves! You wouldn't know the answers to any of the questions they asked you about what you wanted to drive; you'd have no idea which car was a better fit for your exact needs; you'd have no idea what price range you would need to avoid. You could easily end up with a used 1992 Toyota or a 2015 Land Rover - neither of which is what the average person needs. So you go in with your list, you narrow it down, and you have a few to test drive.
That's how this relationship list works. You now have a list to use to narrow down the dating pool. Have you ever found yourself dating the same type of person and wonder how that keeps happening? With this new plan, hopefully that will be the end of that experience. Because now, you can look at your list and say, "He dropped out of school at 16 and I have a master's degree. This isn't a good match up for me right now." Or maybe, "She's dated four of my friends. She's not a good fit for me." Right away, you've saved yourself time and energy on someone who isn't what you're looking for. Let's say you have dated a couple months. One night you're out to dinner. Mr. Right has had a bad day and suddenly screams at the waiter, cursing and making a scene. It's a side to him you've never seen before.
RED FLAG! That would fall under that abuse thing on the list. If he's confident enough to act like that in public to a stranger, guess what it's like in private with someone he knows. Your list just helped remind you that this is
NOT what you are looking for. Before it goes any further, you need to get out. You don't wait until things get worse. Maybe Ms. Right has decided that since you're too busy to take her out, she'll call up an old friend and have him take her out. That's a
red flag! You don't want to be with someone who isn't loyal and doesn't respect you. With your list, you pick up on red flags (big or small) sooner so you can make the choices that are best for you.
And the best thing is - you can change your list! You can adjust it as you go. You can decide what to add or remove. You can decide what to star and what to highlight. Your maturity and your experiences will always need to be taken into account. Just like your taste and needs in cars and houses change over time, so do your tastes and needs in a relationship. What you wanted at 20 might not be what you want at 27. That's okay! The important thing is to
know what you want.
Know what you will compromise. Because the things you settle for can easily be the things that don't matter....or they can be the things that end up mattering the most. Many people compromise the most important things and that's how they end up with the wrong significant other. And it doesn't mean that they're bad people - it just means that they're wrong for
you.
I share this with you from experience. I had a list as a teenager, and I ignored all the red flags. I ended up divorced after some bad years. I have a sister who had to divorce after some very abusive years because she too ignored red flags. I have a daughter who is divorced because she didn't know what red flags to watch for. There are many, many variables that make up a relationship. I'm not trying to say that this method is the cure for all the breakups out there. I'm simply saying that if you will handle your worth and your future with as much care as you do other big decisions, you can find yourself in a much better position than perhaps you have in the past.
And one last bit of advice: if those who love you (truly love you and have your best interest at heart) are telling you that your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't the right one for you,
listen to them! They are trying to tell you they've picked up on red flags that you may have missed. Instead of being defensive, be grateful. Hear them out, try to see if they have a point. If they care about you, they won't want to hurt you. They're trying to protect you.
