The Art of Reconciliation

Methods and Meanings

I'm a talker.  Anyone who doesn't know that about me either hasn't spent any time with me or is a talker themselves (and I can't get a word in!).  When it comes to struggles in my relationships, I'm a talker-outter.  I don't need to rehash every moment and replay every word, but I do want my side understood and I want to hear the other person's heart so I can understand them.  However, I don't always get the luxury of talking through a situation.  It is those circumstances that I find I have the most trouble reconciling within myself because I feel there's been no closure.

Recently, I was faced with several different variations of this situation.  In one instance, I was able to have a real heart to heart conversation and clear up misunderstandings on both sides.  It resulted in an even closer relationship.  It is also my ideal preference when things like this happen.

A second relationship that had suffered some setbacks is on the mend because each of us took the time to give a simple "I should have tried harder" explanation.  It in no way dissected the ins and outs of the hurt, but by both of us acknowledging our part, we were able to move forward.

A third relationship has caused me much continued heartache because the other person wants to live as if nothing happened; therefore, they interact with me as if there is nothing to discuss.  This is the worst kind of corner for me to be in because I can't grow in a relationship that is so obviously being stunted.  The "ostrich head in the sand" method just isn't working for me.  So despite the aggravation at wanting to have a conversation, needing to clear up the past, I'm stuck putting on a happy face and playing the game of pretend against my will.

But here is where The Lords has been ministering to me.  He's reminded me that He Himself has two standards of reconciliation.  The first is the standard of repentance of sin:  "But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins." 1 John 1:9  This is the foundation of being reconciled back to the Father.  As we face repentance, we are given the opportunity to talk it out with Him; to rehash all the details of our sins and shortcomings so that He can provide us with His point of view - Jesus Christ.  It is also the foundation of reconciling a believer who has sinned against another believer:  "If another brother [member of the church] sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If he [the member] listens to you, you have regained that one." Matthew 18:15 Again, it is a moment to have an open discussion about the past so that, with forgiveness, the relationship can be restored and move forward.  So sins that need to be forgiven are the first standard of forgiveness.

But what if there was no explicit sin?  What if it was just one person's decision that hurt another person?  What if one of the people involved isn't a believer?  What then?  That's when the other standard of reconciliation comes into play:  "Make allowance for each others' faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." Colossians 3:13 In this, The Lord has given us direction for those moments when we are not awarded the conversations to clear the air.  He has provided the answer and the answer is to forgive - even without the opportunity to talk it out as I so long to do.  It doesn't matter that I haven't been able to be understood or hear the other side.  It only matters that I respond with love and forgiveness - the same way my Father has responded to me.

In each situation, I had forgiven the other person long before the moment of interaction came about.  And I had also repented of my part in the situation.  And while I'd still prefer to have a chance to discuss details with that third person, I no longer feel that I'm in limbo.  Until they are willing to have that conversation, there is not a lot of room for a deeper relationship.  But now that I have found peace in forgiving them, I am able to put a genuine smile on my face and interact with them in love, as I should.