Longing For Love...

...withholding respect...

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior." Ephesians 5:22-23

I'm sure you've all heard this scripture.  Don't run away just yet!  I'm hoping this post means as much to you as it did to me when I first learned a little more behind the verses. (And by personal disclaimer, I do realize that not all wives and husbands fit the "mold."  But I'm hoping to share the ideal that God intended.  I have no desire to stir up painful wounds or create conflict with your own personal experience.)

I know so many women who have cringed at this scripture (if not outright hated it!) every time it's taught.  I know women who dig their heels in because they feel they've earned the right to be equal to a man with the whole women's liberation thing.  I know women who've been the victim of emotional and verbal abuse as this scripture has been lorded over them by pious, religious husbands.  I know women who have felt subservient because they don't ever get the full teaching of the remainder of the verses (I'll get to those).

Some versions use the word "respect," but many women are familiar with the negative connotation of submission; therefore, I'm focusing on that right now.  So first I want to tell you what "submit" means.  While an internet search will yield many definitions, I happened to like this one the most.  I've highlighted the important words or phrases in red.

sub·mit  (səb-mĭt′)

v. sub·mit·ted, sub·mit·ting, sub·mits

v.tr.

1. To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.

2. To subject to a condition or process.

3. To commit (something) to the consideration or judgment of another. See Synonyms at propose.

4. To offer as a proposition or contention: I submit that the terms are entirely unreasonable.

v.intr.

1. To give in to the authority, power, or desires of another. See Synonyms at yield.

2. To allow oneself to be subjected to something.

Those last two are pretty important keys to understanding all this.  It's the voluntary giving in to someone else. You get to decide that you're laying your destiny in the hands of your husband.  And while you're commanded to by God, you can also choose not to.  More on that later.

So we see that wives are to voluntarily surrender their power and desires into the hands of their husbands and allow him to consider the outcomes that will affect them both.  But what is the husband supposed to do?

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word." Ephesians 25-26

I don't think we need a definition of love.  We all know what it means, what it should look like, what we long for it to look like in our own lives.  But I want you to see the continued command that a husband is to make his wife holy, through the Word of God.  He's supposed to be lifting her up, leading her, giving her a safe place to rest, protecting her heart and her dreams, ensuring that she is provided for in every need, and even forsaking himself in order to preserve her if it comes to that.

Remember I said that you are commanded to submit, but that you have to decide to voluntarily give up your own will to your husband?  How easy would it be to give up your own authority if you knew - could see by your husband's very actions - that he was truly leading you to Christ with every part of his life?  Now, how hard would it be to voluntarily give up your own authority if you knew - could see by your husband's very actions - that he only cared about himself and had no desire to make the right choices for you?  Pretty easy decision, right?

Let me throw a twist in here.

About a year ago, my ladies Bible group did a short six week study through a book titled "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn.  Skimming through the intro, I didn't really think I'd get any new revelations.  I mean, I've heard it all based on the chapter subjects.  But it was a great group of ladies and everyone needs Bible study time with a great group of ladies.  

Well count me floored when chapter one immediately rocked my world.

The background to this book is that Shaunti loves research.  So she took her love and paired it with a survey she gave to hundreds of men - some saved, some not saved, young, old, married, single - and wrote the book based on the results of her findings.  While she wrote it from a Christian perspective, the questions are about life and relationships in general and not from a Biblical world view.

Here's what Shaunti has to say about Ephesians Chapter 5 (pages 26-27): 

              "Notice that one of the main Biblical passages on marriage...never tells the wife to love her husband, and it never tells the husband to respect his wife (presumably because we each already tend to give what we want to receive).  Instead, over and over, it urges the husband to love his wife and urges the wife to respect her husband and his leadership.  Women often tend to want to control things, which, unfortunately, men tend to interpret as disrespect and distrust (which, if we're honest with ourselves, it sometimes is).  Marriage is about putting the other person's needs above your own (he's required to do that too, remember), and it does tremendous things for your man to know that you are choosing to trust and honor him.  And that reveals the most important aspect of demonstrating respect:  It is a choice.  A choice that we make out of reverence for God and love for our husbands."

This statement was interesting to me because it makes total sense:  wives don't need to be told to love their husbands - we do automatically!  We long for, desire, crave, and are all encompassing of the duty to love the man beside us.  And men tend to give respect universally.  It would seem odd to them to be instructed to do what comes naturally.  Additionally, Shaunti points out what I've been saying - It's a choice!!!  A voluntary act done out of of our feminine love for our God and our spouse.

Now for the real eye opener (page 26):

              "'We've become such a love-dominated culture,' Dr. Eggerichs says, 'Like the Beatles said, "All you need is love." So we've come to think that love should be unconditional, but respect must be earned.   Instead, what men need is unconditional respect - to be respected for who they are [i.e. our husbands], apart from how they do.'  Just as you want the man in your life to love you unconditionally, even when you're not particularly loveable, your man needs you to demonstrate your respect for him regardless of whether he's meeting your expectations at the moment."

Whoa!  Did you catch that?!?!

Think back for just a moment.  Think of a time you've been exhausted, in pain, irritated, overwhelmed, late, whatever and you've had an attitude because of it.  And then, when you've interacted with your husband (or kids, but the focus is husbands right now), he got the brunt of your sharp tongue, harsh tone, or cold shoulder.  Now, has he ever in one of those moments, drawn you a bath?  Rubbed your back?  Ordered pizza so you didn't have to cook?  Hugged you without words?  Whispered "I love you" or told you "Everything will be okay"?  That was him loving you even though you were wayyyyyy beyond loveable at that moment.   

Can you imagine your life if every time you had a bad day or a bad attitude your husband said, "I don't love you right now!"  I'd be devastated!  I'd be heartbroken and lost.  It would be a pain like no other if my husband withheld his love because of my bad choice.

Now think back to a time when your husband made a decision for the family that didn't turn out so well.  He took a job that didn't pan out.  He bought a lemon used car.  He booked a cross country flight for your family vacation to take off at 11:30pm to save $100.  He made a large purchase without discussing it with you.  He invited his mother to move in with you.  He promised your son that he could graduate from the same high school he started, even if it meant being stuck in a dead-end job for four years. (Not all of these were done by my husband!)  How did you handle that bad decision?  Did you remind him of it every time you argued?  Did you tease him?  Did you mock him in front of others, to your mother, to his mother? Did you tell him he was stupid?  Did you tell him that you'd make the decisions from now on?  Or did you hug him and tell him you still trusted him?  Explain that everyone makes mistakes and that you would all be okay?  Did you show him that he was still your hero and best friend even if he wasn't being the best leader in that one moment?   

You see, your respect is love to him!  By withholding your respect from him "because he doesn't deserve it," you've created the "I don't love you right now" moment.  You've crippled him!  He's already feeling like a failure and the one person he holds most dear just added insults to his wounded heart.

Ladies, let me be clear:  I know there are a lot of men out there who don't get it.  They want to dominate instead of lead and they aren't respectable - ever.  But I think a lot of women don't understand that by submitting to our husbands' authority, we are in fact creating in them a better leader.  A leader who will desire to be found respectable.  I think that's why the verse about the wives was listed first:  if we will do our part, the husbands will follow.  A man who feels respected will show sacrificial love (even when it isn't deserved).  And a woman who feels loved will show great respect (even when it isn't deserved).  Because most of the time, the two of you will be getting it right and it will be deserved and the cycle will keep repeating.

Men (assuming any of you read this), let me be clear:  I know there are a lot of women who don't get it.  They think you have to earn respect while you love them on their worst day because "that's the way it is."  But I think men struggle with what love looks like.  You know what respect is in your world, but a woman's need for love is her universe.  Without your love - the love she needs, not the love you think she needs - she is just a housekeeper, a secretary, a cook, a baby-maker, and a soft body for you to hold once in a while.  She wants to be your everything!  And the way you love her will make or break that.  I recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" if you'd like to really figure out what your wife (or husband) needs to feel loved (respected).

I'd like to leave you with a final word from Shaunti.  In her research she found that "the Greek word translated as 'respect' in Ephesians, phobeo, means to be in awe of, to revere.  It's not just a matter of bland regard.  We are supposed to be highly valuing our men!" (page 27)  This awe and reverence is to balance and rival our desire for the happily ever after kind of love we wives are longing for.  And while the fairy tale romance may not exist, the true love of a man and a woman completely devoted to the well-being of one another as they strive to become more holy and Christ-like is exactly what can happen when both of you are committed to one another as God commanded.  It's not a sacrifice as much as it is a privilege. 

Ladies, love your husband as the gift he is by respecting him even in the moments of doubt and disappointment.  Be worthy of the love he gives you even in your unworthy moments.

Men, respect the wife of your youth by loving her as Christ loved His own Bride, the Church.  Be worthy of the respect she offers you even in your moments of defeat.