Desire and Loneliness

My husband and my God...

Early in our relationship, my husband once told me "I missed you."  I was confused because we'd been together every day for months as we dated and got to know one another.  I asked him, "When?"  His answer changed my heart forever - "Before I met you."  So a part of our friendship has always been to share with the other when we feel that life has gotten too busy and we haven't quite connected like we've needed to.  We slow down, regroup, and strengthen our bond.

When we moved, my husband's new job required that he work 2nd shift.  Years ago he worked this same shift and it was not a good fit for our family.  Now, despite the same scheduling conflicts to family time, it is a much better arrangement for us.  But it's not without its difficulties.

Lately I've found myself telling my husband more and more often "I miss you" and "I'm lonely."  Especially the lonely part.  I've got more time to myself since moving here.  I don't have the evening ladies' group or the lunch with a girlfriend like I used to.  The family dinners are reserved for weekends only.  I have a routine, but it's one of solitude.  And I'm lonely.

One day, I was in the car listening to the radio.  A song came on that I'd heard several times before.  But this time I heard one of the verses as if for the first time.

"Keep Making Me" by Sidewalk Prophets
            Make me lonely, so I can be Yours
            ‘Til I want no one, more than You, Lord
            ‘Cause in the darkness I know You will hold me
            Make me lonely

In that moment, I was stunned into silence as I pondered the implications of those words. In my mind, I know I need to seek The Lord and find comfort in Him, but in my heart I was looking to my husband to comfort me.  I know in my mind, I need to maintain my connection with God, but in my heart all I wanted was a connection with my husband.

In fact, I was reminded of scripture in Genesis 3:16b:  "your desire will be for your husband."  It was said to Eve when God was explaining the consequences of their sin in the Garden of Eden.  This phrase was actually a part of the curse of sin - a literal sentence of punishment.  The desire of a wife for her husband would be so strong that it would consume her, emotionally devastate her if it was unfulfilled, and take her focus off of her Creator.

Here I had been pining away for my husband's time, attention and affection; but what I really needed was to turn to my Father, who is the only one who can fulfill my desires and complete me when I feel I'm missing a piece of my life.  I realized that it was not only necessary for me to feel loneliness, but it was a gift.   It was a real reminder of the distance I'd allowed to creep in, separating me from my relationship with Him.  Because when I am distant from Him, I am not capable of functioning at my fullest potential.

I know a lot of women who are lonely in their marriages.  I know there are many, many reasons for that, not all of them within the control of those women.  But I would submit to you that if you will seek to fill your heart's hole with the Holy Father's affection, there will be healing.  It may not appear in the manner in which you expect - it may not repair or improve your marriage, but it will improve your relationship with your Lord.  And an improved relationship with Him, will always improve YOU.

I encourage you to listen to the full song (with lyrics) in the link above.  Make it a prayer to the Father if you find yourself in the words.  Understand that what you are feeling is a call to return to your first and greatest Love.  Acknowledge that you are in need and He will give you what you lack.  Give thanks that in His mercy, He has provided a longing within you that only He can satisfy.

Father, don't be done with me yet. 

Lord, please keep making me!

Separation

When life gets in the way

In November of 2012, my husband moved 500 miles away to start a new job.  I remained behind to oversee the selling of our home and the subsequent pack out.  Although praying for a quick turn around, we expected it to take time.  It took five months.

During that time, I made trips back and forth, visiting him at least once a month.  I'd stay for 4-7 days.  He never had the time to travel to see us.  We talked on the phone every morning and every night.  We texted.  We emailed.  We left notes on Facebook.  We never Skype'd (I'd cancelled internet) or FaceTime'd (I hadn't upgraded my iPhone yet). 

The first few days were hard.  Then it got easier.  My first drive up was two weeks later, and it was like he'd been on a business trip.  We each got into a routine in our daily lives.  It wasn't like we didn't think about each other.  It's just that without us being a part of that daily routine, we just moved separately.

It was a separation. 

I would tell people we were separated - and then had to follow that up with an explanation.  My husband told me to start calling it a "geographical separation."  But it was really an emotional separation.

You see, I was going about my business:  kids, groceries, laundry, errands, movers, realtors, packing, driving up for a few days, visiting, eating out, driving home, unpacking, packing the house, garage sales, church, lunch with friends, phones calls, bills, driving up for a few days, groceries, kids, appointments, buyers, carpet installers, movers, family....

He was going about his business:  work, sleep, eat, work, sleep, eat, work, sleep, eat...

He was lonely and I was busy.  I was lonely and he wasn't busy enough. 

At about the three month mark, I was visiting and my husband says to me, "I don't feel like our relationship is the same.  Are we ever going to get that back?"  At the time, I told him, "Of course it's the same!"  But I felt it too.  We had lost the friendship in our marriage.  We had slipped into the stress of the situation and it was making us - married.

Now I love being married.  I love the commitment and the honor and the dedication to one man.  But I wasn't enjoying the business arrangement my marriage had become.  I was constantly putting out fires and filling him in on problems.  He was always trying to keep up and offer solutions.  I was upset at his inability to help me from so far away; and I was even more upset at his offer of solutions, as if I couldn't take care of it myself.  Usually, I'd already taken care of it and his advice just got on my nerves.  My marriage had begun to feel like it had restrictions and requirements attached to it.  And it was not fun.

My visits had turned into us trying to avoid life conversations and making attempts at just being together.  But we both failed and we'd usually end up discussing the very stresses we'd promised to ignore.  When our house finally sold in April 2013, we breathed a sigh of relief because we knew we could get our lives back on track, regaining our previous joyous relationship.

It didn't quite happen that way.  We didn't have any major problems arise.  We bought a new house, got moved, settled, adjusted.  But our friendship was still missing.  My husband, having been alone for five months, wanted to jump in with both feet and be involved in everything.  (He hadn't been previously, I handled the household even before the move.)  I, having been on my own with the kids for five months, had done double duty and had a hard time finding a balance now that I had him to help me with the daily routine again.  We bumped shoulders and bumped heads.  We spent time talking with great passion and times not talking at all.  So much had revolved around the move for so long that when the move was over, we didn't know how to regroup. 

And then one day we started to see each other.  Really take notice of one another.  Remember the little things, like back rubs and inside jokes and favorite TV shows.  We worked on laughing and holding hands and just enjoying the other's company.  We stopped looking at what needed to be done and took notice of what needed to be undone.

You know, we do this with God.  We are close to Him and active in our relationship and then something happens.  We get busy or distracted or things are going well.  We start focusing on the daily routine and begin to ignore the relationship. That intimate friendship, that steadfast loyalty and dependability has waned.  We feel lonely and ache for the memories of those closer times, but we aren't sure how to get that back. 

We've become separated.

But God is not like our spouse in that He has not changed with us.  He has not become distracted and distant as we have.  He has remained strong and faithful.  He has not become so busy with life that He is unsure of our needs and desires.  Our God waits for us to say, "I don't feel like our relationship is the same."  And He says, "I am the same!  I have waited for you!  Come to Me!"

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I were laughing.  Really outright snorting, can't-breath-because-I'm-laughing-so-hard laughing.  Okay, that was me.  He was laughing at me laughing.  But in that moment, after I caught my breath, I said, "Do you feel it? We're back."

It didn't happen all at once.  It didn't suddenly stop being stressful or busy or complicated.  What did happen all at once was that we both noticed something was missing.  We both noticed that we wanted it back.  And we both worked on it.  It wasn't an every day exercise in reconnecting, but it was an every day exercise in becoming friends again.  It took seven months for me to notice that my best friend had returned to my marriage (and his best friend to his marriage).  I know it happened before then, but that's the day we noticed.  I remember that day.  It was a good day.

My friend, if you are separated from God, that distance can be bridged.  Just as my husband and I were instantaneously under the same roof, you too, can be instantaneously reconnected with the Father.  But just as it took us time to feel that connection, to see it in our every day lives, it will also take you time to feel that you are fully intimately connected again. 

Awesome relationships take work.  I don't think that it always takes hard work, but an effort must be made.  And of all the relationships in the world, the two at the top of your list should be that between you and The Lord and you and your spouse.  There is no greater joy than the love of both of them.