Desire and Loneliness

My husband and my God...

Early in our relationship, my husband once told me "I missed you."  I was confused because we'd been together every day for months as we dated and got to know one another.  I asked him, "When?"  His answer changed my heart forever - "Before I met you."  So a part of our friendship has always been to share with the other when we feel that life has gotten too busy and we haven't quite connected like we've needed to.  We slow down, regroup, and strengthen our bond.

When we moved, my husband's new job required that he work 2nd shift.  Years ago he worked this same shift and it was not a good fit for our family.  Now, despite the same scheduling conflicts to family time, it is a much better arrangement for us.  But it's not without its difficulties.

Lately I've found myself telling my husband more and more often "I miss you" and "I'm lonely."  Especially the lonely part.  I've got more time to myself since moving here.  I don't have the evening ladies' group or the lunch with a girlfriend like I used to.  The family dinners are reserved for weekends only.  I have a routine, but it's one of solitude.  And I'm lonely.

One day, I was in the car listening to the radio.  A song came on that I'd heard several times before.  But this time I heard one of the verses as if for the first time.

"Keep Making Me" by Sidewalk Prophets
            Make me lonely, so I can be Yours
            ‘Til I want no one, more than You, Lord
            ‘Cause in the darkness I know You will hold me
            Make me lonely

In that moment, I was stunned into silence as I pondered the implications of those words. In my mind, I know I need to seek The Lord and find comfort in Him, but in my heart I was looking to my husband to comfort me.  I know in my mind, I need to maintain my connection with God, but in my heart all I wanted was a connection with my husband.

In fact, I was reminded of scripture in Genesis 3:16b:  "your desire will be for your husband."  It was said to Eve when God was explaining the consequences of their sin in the Garden of Eden.  This phrase was actually a part of the curse of sin - a literal sentence of punishment.  The desire of a wife for her husband would be so strong that it would consume her, emotionally devastate her if it was unfulfilled, and take her focus off of her Creator.

Here I had been pining away for my husband's time, attention and affection; but what I really needed was to turn to my Father, who is the only one who can fulfill my desires and complete me when I feel I'm missing a piece of my life.  I realized that it was not only necessary for me to feel loneliness, but it was a gift.   It was a real reminder of the distance I'd allowed to creep in, separating me from my relationship with Him.  Because when I am distant from Him, I am not capable of functioning at my fullest potential.

I know a lot of women who are lonely in their marriages.  I know there are many, many reasons for that, not all of them within the control of those women.  But I would submit to you that if you will seek to fill your heart's hole with the Holy Father's affection, there will be healing.  It may not appear in the manner in which you expect - it may not repair or improve your marriage, but it will improve your relationship with your Lord.  And an improved relationship with Him, will always improve YOU.

I encourage you to listen to the full song (with lyrics) in the link above.  Make it a prayer to the Father if you find yourself in the words.  Understand that what you are feeling is a call to return to your first and greatest Love.  Acknowledge that you are in need and He will give you what you lack.  Give thanks that in His mercy, He has provided a longing within you that only He can satisfy.

Father, don't be done with me yet. 

Lord, please keep making me!