No More Chances

When enough is enough!

Do you know anyone who keeps going back into an unhealthy situation because they can't seem to shake the idea that they'll eventually be able to fix them? Maybe it's a coworker who keeps sharing their failed attempts.  Maybe it's a family member who is always talking about "maybe this time...."  Maybe it's you.

Here's a sentence I read the other day:  We all have that one person we just give too many chances to.

Man, isn't that the truth?!  I know we've all been there.  And Jesus even tells us to forgive "seventy X seven" times (Matthew 18:21-22).  But He doesn't say to keep putting ourselves in a position that we don't have to with someone that is hurting us in some way.  If it's our child or our spouse, yeah, we're going to have to keep forgiving - and being forgiven - many, many, MANY times in our relationship with that person.  But there are times when we also need to remove ourselves from toxic situations.

My daughter is a fixer. She thinks she can do good in anybody’s life. But she always ends up the one hurt - and the person never changes. But she just keeps giving them a second chance. Then a third. Then a fourth....

People who like fixers are like moldy fruit. The good strawberries don’t make the moldy one healthy. The moldy one corrupts all the ones around it. Then they all have to be thrown away. Moldy strawberries don’t get second chances. They’re ruined. You save the good strawberries you can by getting rid of the moldy one(s) as soon as possible.

You can’t fix what’s ruined. You can only protect yourself from their mold or get their mold on you. There are no second chances for moldy strawberries!  

And then I read this:  "I'm tired of making up..."

Oh sweet child. The first word of “making up” is make. If you have to MAKE it work, MAKE it fit, MAKE him (or her) happy....you’re forcing it. And it will never work by force.

People say marriage is hard. (You can fill in relationships there instead.) But that’s only half true. It’s hard with the wrong person. Tough situations happen that two people have to face. With the wrong person, you’re no longer dealing with the situation - you’re dealing with them wanting everything their way. You have to MAKE them happy rather than solve the problem. But with the right person, it’s easy! There are still tough times, but you face them together instead of fighting each other. They help you MAKE the problem go away.

You have to ask yourself: am I always butting heads with this person (standing toe to toe) or do I have an ally against the situation (standing beside you)? 

You want someone who faces the world WITH you, not against you.

If you know someone in this broken cycle of heartache and failure, I hope you'll encourage them with this short message.  If you're the one on the never-ending loop of fixing and forcing, I hope you'll find the courage to get off the ride and take care of you.

Making Sense of Feeding Sheep

Peter's Charge is Our Charge

I have a beautiful friend who brings so much joy and encouragement to my life. She and I discuss life and scripture and more life and more scripture, showing one another the layers of the Word as the Holy Spirit guides our conversations.  Recently we were looking at the final chapter of John. In the first 17 verses, there is so much good stuff!  But there's a section that made me think of you, beloved reader.  A few verses that I hadn't dissected before and thought you might enjoy the revelation as well.

A quick recap:  Peter and a few other disciples have been fishing all night and caught nothing. As they head to shore, a stranger they do not recognize tells them to put their nets onto the right side of the boat.  They do - and the fish are so plentiful that they can't get the net back into the boat.  They realize that the stranger is Jesus and He tells them to bring so fish to shore to have breakfast with Him.  There's a lot of other good stuff in there that we loved discussing, but that's for another day.

So here we are at verse 15.  Breakfast is finished and Jesus wants to talk to Peter.  He asks Peter three times almost the exact same question: Do you love me? If you'll recall, Peter has previously denied Jesus three times (John 18:15-27).  So here Jesus is nullifying those denials with Peter's affirmative answers.  But that's not the focus of my thoughts either.  Let's read the verses together:

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you."

Jesus said, “Feed my lambs."

Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."

Jesus said, “Shepherd my sheep."

The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Jesus said, “Feed my sheep."  (John 21:15-17)

Jesus said almost the same thing each time, with just a little variation.  But it's in those variations that the real charge is given.  Remember that no word is wasted in scripture so the words Jesus chose have to matter.

If you've read my other posts - or a lot of the parables of the bible - you'll know that people are symbolized as sheep quite often in scripture due to stubbornness and the need for a Shepherd (who is Christ for believers). But in these three verses, the focus isn't so much on the animal used as it is the age of the animal.

Jesus first says to "feed my lambs."  Lambs are babies.  Like human babies, they need constant care.  They need kept warm, they need protected from danger they don't recognize, and they need fed.  A lot.  And often.  So what is represented here by "lambs" is a new believer in Christ.  Someone who is just learning to walk in their new relationship with Him as their Savior.  They need fed the Word.  A lot.  And often.  Who are they in Christ? What does the Lord say about their value? Why can they trust that His love for them is real? Jesus is telling Peter to feed the new disciples that are being made.

Then He says, "shepherd my sheep." Some bible versions say "tend my sheep."  Sheep are adults.  They can feed themselves and meet basic needs.  But they need guidance.  They need direction.  Once new believers grow and become more mature in their relationship with Christ, they do not need someone feeding them scripture all the time.  But they do need to be tended to.  Discipleship is ongoing.  We aren't meant to walk this road alone after becoming an adult.  In life, we have coworkers, friends, family members, spouses - relationships that keep us from being alone.  The same applies to our life within the church - we need to tend to one another, walking with one another as we encourage and train and lead and keep maturing.  Jesus is telling Peter not to ignore the more mature disciples who need continued guidance.

And then Jesus mixes the two: "feed my sheep."  What?!  We just discussed that lambs need fed, but sheep can feed themselves so what does this mean? Have you ever known a believer in Christ who seemed to just give up?  Have you ever watched someone at church go through so much heartache and tribulation that they lost faith and hope in what they once proclaimed?  Have you ever felt that things were so bad that you had no desire to walk out all the things you knew you were supposed to do?  There are times in life that our burdens feel heavier than we can carry. The pressure of surviving is more important than the call to maturity. There is a danger in distancing ourselves from the Body. It is in those times that we need someone to walk with us and feed us on the simple truths of God. Basic needs become the focus - a listening ear, a ride, a meal. Someone to stand in the gap when praying and worshiping seem too difficult to do on our own. Jesus is reminding Peter that sometimes the adults will need to be fed for a time until they can regroup and rejoin the productive herd.

These three verses are a powerful reminder to us.  We need to be aware of the different lambs and sheep in our lives.  We need to take notice of the different stages the sheep are in.  Sometimes we forget that even a mature adult can end up in trouble. In Matthew 18, Jesus tells of a man who has 100 sheep and one gets lost.  Not a lost lamb, a lost sheep. It doesn't matter how many years we walk with the Lord, we can still get "lost" in the chaos of this world.  Don't misunderstand me.  I'm not talking about losing salvation.  I mean that the burdens of this life can become overwhelming: death of a loved one, a marital problem, an illness, a financial crisis, the worry over a child...any number of things can burden us despite our deep and solid walk with Jesus.

If you know a hungry lamb, feed them.  

If you are a hungry lamb, seek a shepherd.

If you know a sheep that needs shepherded, step up.  

If you are a sheep that needs shepherded, seek a shepherd.

If you know a hungry sheep, by all means, feed them!  

If you are a hungry sheep, by all means, seek a shepherd!

Wherever you are right now, whatever your circumstances, you are loved.  

You are seen by the One who sees it all.  

You are not alone.  

Seek The Shepherd.

Broken Glass

Shattered Lives

It seems like we always have someone in our lives that is hurting.  Maybe it's a coworker or neighbor.  Maybe it's a close friend or relative.  Maybe it's even us.  The person's life is a mess, no matter what they try, they can't seem to make things better or make progress out of the chaos.

But there's something else I've noticed.  The majority of the time, the person who has a major issue going on isn't dealing with it because of fate or chance or accident.  They're in situation that they contributed to. Whether by 100% creation or by one of many small decisions, they are the reason they are in misery.

And the thing about poor choices is that they usually come with warnings. Sometimes it's the caution from a friend.  Sometimes it's a gut feeling.  Sometimes there are so many red flags, you'd have to be colorblind to ignore them.  And yet, despite all that, despite the whispers and shouts to turn back, avoid at all costs, do not enter....they do anyway.

Then these same people complain about the path they’ve walked, never stopping to admit their culpability in their own foolish choices that has led them to the current suffering.

"But he/she is so cute! I can overlook their behavior." 
"But it's more money! It doesn't matter what I have to compromise." 
"But it feels good! I won't become a statistic." 
"But I'll be popular! It's better than people not liking me." 
"But it's what I want! And I should be happy no matter what."  

The problem with this mentality is that the excuse is never strong enough to overcome the adversity.  

It's like purposefully - voluntarily - walking across broken glass. 

It's doesn't matter how innocent it looks, or how pretty it looks, or how harmless it looks.  It will cut you. 
It doesn't matter how careful you try to step, or how much you try to avoid falling, or how quickly you try to get through.  It will cut you.  

Some pieces of glass leave just scratches, surface injuries.  
Others pieces cut deeply. The cut will get infected. They piece will go deep into the skin and not be easily removed. 

They will leave scars.  Some scars will be in places only you can see.  Other pieces will leave scars everyone will see. 

But the choice is to walk across it anyway.  For attraction or money or success or distraction or briefly feeling loved...they choose the high risk of injury and pain that lasts a lifetime rather than choosing the option to turn away.  The warnings don't matter. 

So here's the wrap up:  every one of us has chosen to walk across the broken glass a time or two in our lives.  Some of us got to the other side with superficial wounds and learned our lesson.  Others have deep scars and learned their lesson.  And then there are those of you who continue to walk the broken glass, despite the shattered life it brings you.  Will you admit your responsibility for where you are?  Can you admit your need for help?  Those who love you have every desire to help, but they cannot continue warning someone who never heeds the advice.  As much as it is your accountability that got you into this moment, it is your accountability to help get you out - and stay out - of it. The help you have around you now may not always be there.  Choose to piece your life back together instead of living a shattered life.

There are beaches in the world that have glass that has had its edges softened over years of pounding from the waves and shore.  There it is possible to walk among the pretty glass upon the sand.  It's even a marvel to behold the power and force necessary to reshape something so jagged.  If you have to walk among the glass, let it be there and not in a place you never should have been walking to begin with.  

When You're in the Struggle

And you want to quit

I haven't done much writing lately, here or anywhere else.  It's been a tough year already.  Actually, it started half way through 2018 and it just isn't letting up.  There have been health things and financial things and relationship things - one is bad enough, but all three just takes it out of you.  You become discouraged and burdened.  You feel alone in your troubles.  You want to talk through it, but there's also an element of wanting to keep it to yourself.  You're embarrassed you aren't handling it better.  You're prideful that you don't want to look weak.  You definitely aren't looking for pity.  So you go back and forth between wanting to cry/scream/vent and locking it all in/shutting down.  

But several weeks ago, a movie clip was shown at church that has continued to roll around in my head.  As I pondered the point made in the movie, I started to realize the result my struggle was having on me and those around me.  I also had a feeling that maybe someone else could use some encouragement with whatever battle they're fighting.  So instead of venting or shutting down, I'm sharing.

The movie is "Facing the Giants" by the Kendrick brothers.  Great Christian feel-good movie about overcoming.  But there is one point where the team already feels defeated and they haven't even played yet. It's about five and a half minutes of your time, and I really hope you'll watch it before continuing: Death Crawl.

Brock (the player) is challenged by his coach to do an exercise with another player on his back.  Brock knows he can go a particular distance alone.  He doesn't want the added weight, but he thinks he can still accomplish what's being asked of him. A bit cocky, he agrees to the task.

          - This is what we often do.  We find ourselves tasked with something. We approach it with disdain, but cocky confidence.  We don't want to do it, but we know we can do it.  We feel defiant - no way this illness/job/relationship/goal is going to beat me.  We get into a fighting stance, we dig deep, and we face it head on.  Especially if we feel it's something similar to what we've accomplished before.

Brock gets going down the field.  He's probably beginning to feel the strain on his body.  But it's the extra weight that he starts to focus on.  At minute 2:38 he tells his coach "It hurts."  At 2:45, he says "He's heavy." At 2:56, Brock cries out again, "It hurts!"  And his coach responds:  "I know it hurts!  You keep going!"

          - But this isn't like previous tasks.  It looked similar, but it isn't.  The weight, the distance, the darkness:  there's something about this struggle that plays with our heads.  There's a switch that gets flipped at some point and we're getting tired, we're getting weak.  "It hurts!"  It hurts to put my heart out there and let it be crushed.  It hurts to try and fail.  It hurts to carry the weight of others.  And yet, we're told to keep going.  Keep trying.  Keep pushing.

          - And like Brock, we cry out "It's hard!" This is no longer the task I thought I could complete.  This isn't a short goal.  This isn't at all like I imagined it would go when I first started.  It's harder than I thought it would be.  It's harder than I want it to be!  And we get distracted with all the doubts and fears and second thoughts. We wonder if the fight is worth it - and we wonder if maybe it's not really our fight.  Maybe the weight of the struggle is too much.  Maybe that relationship isn't worth saving.  Maybe that job wasn't supposed to be yours.  Maybe the dream you had belongs to someone else.  You're full of excuse. You're ready to give up.  What's the point? And that adds an entirely new level of pain and defeat.

And then there's the coach, screaming at you:  

         DON'T QUIT !!!

         DON'T QUIT !!!

         DON'T QUIT !!!

So you push and dig and try and try and try.  And it still hurts.  It burns!  Your body aches, your heart aches, your tears burn your cheeks as they fall.  There's no way you can go on. But the coach tells you "You can! Don't quit!"

Brock doesn't quit, but now it's only because of the coach yelling at him.  His only motivation is the voice telling him 20 more steps, 10 more steps.  He is drained and discouraged and counting down until that final step he can't even see: the end zone.

          - When we're feeling defeated, we feel like all our efforts have been wasted. We aren't paying attention to how far we've come; we only focus on the distance left to cover.  We focus on the burden of the struggle and not the growth that struggle is bringing us.  We get sucked into the personal darkness that says "You'll never get through this."  And maybe we think, "I don't even want to get through this anymore.  I just want it to stop." And we find all the excuses to support that decision, until we're reminded of one simple thing...

As Brock lays on the grass, exhausted and speechless, the coach tells him "You are the most influential person on this team.  If you walk around defeated, so will they."

          - And there's the ah moment for me.  My struggle for the last 8 months has left me feeling useless, incapable, discouraged, worried, weak, a poor steward, more irritable, less loving, definitely less patient, and overall defeated.  And if I am the person in my family that is usually the one pointing out the silver lining, imagine how everyone else must feel if my attitude has changed???

To the person who is usually optimistic, but is having a hard time being encouraging when faced with fear - You are the most influential person on your team!

To the employee who is working on a project, a promotion, a merger, but nothing is going as you’d hoped - You are the most influential person on your team!

To the spouse or parent who is struggling to get through this moment with a loved one and feeling alone - You are the most influential person on your team!

Whatever you’re going through, your efforts matter!  Your attitude, your approach, your determination are all making a difference. If you were to suddenly quit and physically walk away, every person involved would feel your absence. What you are bringing to the struggle is greater than you realize. You may not see it right now. You might be in a particularly difficult moment right now. But if you quit, it will adversely affect everyone else in your circle. Perhaps forever. 

As a Christian, this speaks to me even more deeply. What if my encouragement makes the difference in someone else being positive or negative? What if my determination makes the difference in a family member facing their problems? What if my relationship with Jesus shows someone else the hope He offers to each of us? And if I quit, if I walk away because it hurts and I’m tired and I’m defeated, those people also end up defeated.  My Coach, my God, has been spurring me on, showing me His hand, telling my heart "You can do this! Don't quit!"  And I have been letting my team down.  By worrying about these things, I have failed to lift up those around me.  Because I have chosen to dwell on the negative impact these things could have, I have missed the opportunity to see the positive things that have been happening.  My attitude has directly affected the attitude of people I love, and for that, I'm so very sorry. I don't have to be finished with the struggle to be finished with my defeat.  My team needs me to get back to the business of being a better influence.  

You are the most influential person on your team.  Who is your team?  Is it family? Is it work?  Is it yourself as you plan your future?  Your team will follow your lead.  Lead them as a fighter, digging deep and focused on the goal.  Even if it hurts, keep going.  

I'm not saying it's easy.  I'm not saying it's not heavy;  in fact, it's heavy more often than not. What I am saying is that this struggle is temporary.  It might be weeks long, months long, or years long, but compared to the span of your life, this struggle is not for forever.  And when you are feeling discouraged, look back if you are able.  Sometimes you need to remind yourself that you aren't in the same place you were a short time ago.  Even if you are only a few steps forward, that is still progress.  Do not take away the gains of the struggle just because you're focused on the burden of the struggle. You are closer to the finish than you think you are.  Keep the focus where it belongs - the end zone - and not on the weight and pain of the fight.  You’ll accomplish so much more than you ever thought possible. 

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