Aren't We a Cute Couple?

But there's more... 

A quick glance at this photo and you’ll see a couple who is having a good time. And you’d be right. But there’s more. 

He had just told me something funny and I was trying my hardest to look poised and not wide-mouth cackle. But what he said also made me blush. So I looked down. And he’s proud of himself because he likes to get these reactions from me. But there’s more. 

 My arms are at his head and his shoulder. I’m connected to his leadership and his strength. His arms are at my waist. He’s connected to me at my core. Yet we’re not pressed together. We are touching with trust and the ability to move independently; not forcing each other to move a certain way, but moving together by choice. But there’s more. 

My eyes are closed. But his aren’t. My head is down. But his isn’t. 

He’s noticing me. He’s watching me. He’s watching out *for* me. I can’t see what’s behind me, but he can. He’ll see what’s coming. And he’s shielding me from anything that comes toward me. Whatever comes for me will have to go through him first. 

 I wasn’t thinking of any of those things when this photo was taken (except maybe to not wide-mouth cackle). But I see all of it every time I look at this picture. It’s one moment in our life that encapsulates our entire marriage. I don’t always see it in the day-to-day struggles and stresses. But I’m so thankful for this visual reminder of the blessing my husband is to me.

Hey, Couples!

I’m talking to you! 

Think honestly about your relationship over the last six months. Your time spent together (or apart). Your conversations. Your affection. Your tone of voice. Your volume of voice. 

Based on how you’ve interacted during this time, would you want to be in a relationship with the other person if you were still dating and not married? 

❓Would you say yes if he asked you out based on his behavior over the last six months? 

❓Would you ask her out based on her behavior over the last six months? 

I’m not talking about a bad day or bad news or under the weather or some sleepless nights. I’m talking about consistent patterns of respect/disrespect; thoughtful conversations/silent treatment; simple gestures of affection/avoiding intimacy; words and tone of love and kindness/words and tone of impatience and indifference; apologies and forgiveness/score keeping and bitterness. 

❤️‍🩹Are you the kind of person your spouse would want to be in a relationship with if they met you within the last six months?

Marriage is more than deciding you won’t get a divorce. Just because you follow the Bible and know you have to stick it out doesn’t mean becoming roommates is the solution. And as much as you might have real problems with your spouse’s behavior, you have to be willing to make your own first steps toward healing the friendship. 

👫The friendship. Not the relationship. 

Too many times, we forget that our spouse started off as being the one person we wanted to spend the most time with, share our secrets and dreams with, laugh and make memories with. We didn’t start out sharing bills and burdens and babies - we started as friends. 

🚫So think of your friends now. Would they still invite you if you spoke to them the way you speak to your spouse? Would they want to trust you with their hurts and fears if you handled them carelessly? Would they trust you to have their back if every interaction included disrespect? No healthy friendship keeps that kind of toxicity around. And a marriage is by far the most important friendship you’ll ever have. 

You must cultivate your spousal friendship as you would any other. Appreciation, understanding, accountability, loyalty, honesty, respect, commitment…fun, humor, memory making… 

Building a home and a family is exhausting. The days are long, the nights are short. The bills from collectors are higher than the bills from your wallet. And yet, you are supposed to be on the same team. Facing the difficulties of life shoulder to shoulder rather than facing off against one another. Your spouse should be your partner instead of another problem. 

💪🏻Wives, respect your husbands. In his mind, love equals respect. Build him up. Genuinely compliment him. Find *something* he is doing well and praise him for it. Thank him for his sacrifice to miss out on time with the family as he provides. Set an example in front of the children. Do not let them disrespect him. Encourage them to love him through their obedience and their kindness. 

🛟Husbands, love your wives. In her mind, feeling safe is a large aspect of feeling loved. Protect her from feeling she has to compete for your attention. Show her that you are trying to make the wisest decisions for the family. Tell her of your appreciation for her in all she does to care for the home and the family. Recognize that she feels the work of her hands may not be as significant as the work you do, but you see her and you acknowledge her sacrifice. 

🗣️Speak kindly. 

💯Apologize when necessary. 

🫂Seek affection. 

💋Embrace intimacy. 

💬Talk about things other than responsibilities. 

🥸Laugh together. 

💧Cry together. 

🙏🏼Pray together. 

 Rediscover that incredible friend in one another that you have been ignoring and tell them you’ve missed them. Your marriage needs them. 👰🏼🤵🏻‍♂️

The Excuse to Walk Away

Falling out of love...

I recently came across a public post that shared a question from a reader.  This person was in a 25+ year marriage and was looking for validation that it was ok to end the marriage.  The main reason?  This person no longer "felt in love" with their spouse.  I was compelled to comment.  And because I know that so much of what we each go through also parallels what others are going through, I hope that perhaps my insights would be beneficial to you, my readers, as well.

Years of marriage, and you don't "feel" in love anymore?  Let's talk about feelings.  I can feel alone, even when I'm not.  I can feel like I could fly, when I know I can't. If I watch a scary movie and get freaked out, I don’t stay scared for years. If I go to a concert and get energized and enthusiastic, I don’t stay that way for weeks. Why is the “feeling” of love any different? 

Because we're sold a lie that says it's different.  Movies, songs, books...they all show us that there is one soulmate for each of us, coming into our lives to make it better than it could have ever been without them. Never evolving or diminishing over time - but rather increasing in its romance and mind-reading skills so that two lovers must never put any work into a relationship because you'll feel loved and cherished and known every day if it's the right person.  The Notebook, anyone? Time Traveler's Wife? Twilight saga??? 

Lies!  All lies!!!  Butterflies in your belly at the beginning of a new relationship are an indication of the newness in meeting a stranger, often based on excitement and lust. Those fade as we trust one another and become comfortable with each other. Then the daily commitment comes. Those feelings we all crave, the excitement of a stranger's touch or a wink from an attractive acquaintance, that is what drives many spouses to cheat. They miss the feelings they first had with the one they married so they're looking to find them again, not realizing they are temporary emotions that will fade with any relationship. We cannot base our decisions on feelings!

Do you always feel like going to work? Do you feel like filing taxes? Do you feel like showering every day? And what about children (if you have any) - kids are exhausting and expensive and annoying and time consuming. Do you feel differently about them after a few years? I’d say no. Because with all the stress they bring, they also bring so much joy and pride and value. As I’m sure your spouse does. 

Listen, I've mentioned a time or two that my husband and I were both married before.  We each had a spouse who refused to ignore the temporary feelings they had for others they were not married to.  That created many problems in both of our marriages and they finally ended.  So I speak from experience.  Both spouses have to fight against the "I don't feel in love with you anymore" and fight for the relationship that you desire to have.  Marriage isn't about feeling happy or content or excited every moment.  Sometimes there are hard months.  Maybe even hard years.  But marriage isn't built upon emotions.  It's built upon trust and commitment and common ground.  It's built in the trenches as well as in the tidal pools.  Relationships go through highs and lows, and they cannot be solved by feelings.  Feelings create a foundation of quicksand that will topple even the best intentions of the best people.

Solid foundations can still be established if you're willing to put in the work.  Just as a house can have a foundation repaired years after it was built, so can a marriage.  If you find that you identify too well with this conversation, there are some things you have to choose to do.  You have to refocus on your spouse's attributes that are positive and beneficial to you and your family. Remember what drew you to him or her in the beginning.  Why did you ask to marry her?  Why did you tell him yes?  What are the strengths that they bring to the marriage?  How can you encourage them to be your partner again? Build upon those things. Encourage those things. The feelings can absolutely return; only this time, they will be deep and dependable and honest because they are based on a committed love of one another, not a fleeting feeling of attractive love that society advertises but never sells.

My father once gave me some of the greatest words of advice I've needed over and over in my life:  Your head should lead your heart. Our hearts are fickle and ever-changing. What we liked yesterday, we hate today. Be in control of your emotions. Own them. But don’t make a permanent decision based on a feeling that was never intended to last the duration of our lives.

Fulfilling a Need

When there's only one person you can go to

Most of what I write can be applied to anyone's life.  But today, I want to speak specifically to married people. 

How many of us are sometimes burdened with our responsibilities to our spouse?  The meals, the laundry, the errands.  As a woman, I know I have a lot of "extra" to do as a wife than when I'm only taking care of me.  What about those honey-do lists of car washes, lawn work, household repairs, the trouble of remembering special dates.  I honestly don't know what husband might have to do that's extra, but I'm sure there are things I'm not thinking of.

Sometimes my husband and I discuss how hard he works at his job.  He says he does it for us, his family.  And I always say, "You'd be working even if you were single, so I'm not sure how that counts as extra credit."  Just like I'd still be paying bills and doing laundry if I were single.  But the point we both make is that we do MORE married than we would single.  I think my husband would live in a camper and work menial jobs if he were alone.  Singlehood tends to cultivate minimalist levels of expectation.

It occurred to me that many of the needs and duties we have in our marriages we could go to someone else to fulfill:  if I don't want to cook, I order out.  I can pay a dry cleaner to do laundry.  I can pay the neighbor kid to mow the lawn.  I can hire a housekeeper.  I can pay a babysitter.  I can call a plumber.  I can even order my groceries online now.  Just about every single thing I need my spouse to do with me or for me, I can pay someone else to take care of (if I wanted to and if I had the money to do so).

But there is one need that I cannot go outside of my spouse to have fulfilled:  intimacy.

Every one of us has the deep seated desire to be touched, loved, paid attention to.  And there is only one person who is meant to meet that desire. 

If my husband asks me for a meal and I bring him some bread and water, did I feed him?  Sure.  Did I meet his need?  No way.  Now what if he's asked me for affection and I give him a quick kiss and a hug.  Did I show affection?  Sure.  Did I meet his need?  Absolutely not.  And yet, this is how many marriages are working.

I am not so naive to think that I've just solved some big mystery of relationships.  And I acknowledge that, using my example, there are in fact people who pay to have this intimacy need (temporarily) met.  But it shouldn't be that way.

I think there are a lot of women who have learned to shut down over the years because their husbands offer them bread and water in some area(s) and then expect a meal when they finally have time for their wife.  And then those men are shocked when they are offered the same bread and water their wives have been given.  You cannot invest a little effort and expect to get a big return.  It becomes a vicious cycle and one of you has to break it.

I dare say, men, you have to break it!  By nature, most women want to nurture and fix and be your partner.  But if her needs are left unmet, there will come a day when your needs will be left unmet as well.  Women need their men to step up and love them as they need to be loved!

Women - your part is to communicate.  Tell your man what you need.  They can't read our minds.  If you are tired of bread, ask for pasta!  Ask for steak!  Ask for cheesecake!  Whatever it is you're wanting, you need to explain to him your desire:  Honey, I love you more today than when we met.  I desire you.  When you only give me a quick kiss before bed, you leave me longing for more.  I feel empty and rejected.  I know you work hard for us and I know you're tired.  But I'm craving more from you.  (And ladies, if you are the one who has been serving up bread and water because you are disinterested, it's time to buy a cookbook!  You have a responsibility to engage your husband.  Your meal at home should be better than anything the outside world has to offer.)

Men - if your wife tells you what she needs and you don't come through for her...you are widening the gap between you.  You cannot be held accountable for what you don't know.  But to know and then do nothing?  You have chosen the one way to re-enforce to your wife that you don't care.  Even if that isn't what you intended, it's what you've done.  Hear her!  Answer her!  Give her your own thoughts.  Find a way to embrace her so she doesn't feel rejected.  You being tired should never make her feel unloved.  Communicate!  And if you are offering her bread and water because someone else has offered a buffet, you need to remember that buffet food is often cold, overpriced, and handled by others.  Protect what you have at home!

After a failed marriage for each of us because our spouses could not remain faithful, this is a matter close to my heart.  I realize that there is infidelity for many reasons and sometimes it doesn't matter what one spouse does right, the other is just going to cheat.  But I also know that there are those who help things along by choosing to do as little as possible to stay connected.  You chose to marry each other!  Choose each other again!


If we are protecting our marriages, we know that we cannot go out to eat for a meal when we are tired of the bread and water at home.  Therefore, it is up to us to make sure our spouse doesn't feel as though they are living off of prison food.  Our home should be filled with love and laughter and great affection.  Our children are watching and learning the pattern of love.  Your healthy and sincere example of that in your home will help them learn what to look for in their future spouse.  This isn't just a blessing for your relationship, but also for those that come after you. 

And just as poor cooks can take a cooking class, I would encourage anyone whose marriage is struggling with intimacy to seek appropriate help.  Counseling and renewing your intimacy can do wonders for your appetite. 







(I am blessed to be married to a man today who listens to me and loves me as my heart craves.  I want to honor him and not have anyone misunderstand and think that I am referring to him or discussing our private life through this post.  Although every marriage is a long term work in progress, he continues to be my blessing in every way. I pray each of you have the same in your marriage.)

So There's This Article...

and I can't stay quiet...

There’s an article making its way around social media entitled “16 Ways Children of Divorce Love Differently.”  You can see the article by clicking on the title, but I've included her statements below before I put my responses.  The author, an admitted child of divorce, states the things she has learned and applied to her adult life after living through her parents’ divorce.  While she has the right to voice her opinions and personal experiences, she presents the list as if it's all-inclusive and factual for every child of divorce.  She lists hurts based on emotions and hopes based on those same emotions.  She uses childhood memories to make adult comparisons. Perhaps she was a different age than I was at the time her parents divorced, but her blanket statements aren't helpful.  Perhaps she experienced things with her parents' divorce that I didn't during mine, but that doesn't make her universal statements accurate.  And while her inaccuracy is evident to me, I keep seeing her article shared so I have to conclude that her inaccuracy is not evident to everyone else.  Again, she has a right to express her personal opinions; but not as comprehensive facts.  So as a child of divorce AND a divorced adult, I’d like to offer my own opinion and personal experience about what divorce did to me as a child AND to me as an adult who has had to parent children of divorce.  

The author, Maya Kachroo-Levine:  1. We love cautiously. We’ve seen heartbreak and not just in our own lives. We take commitments seriously, which is why we don’t make them often.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  1. I loved carelessly.  The aftermath of the divorce left me feeling unloved and unlovable.  At 19, I clung to the first guy who came along because I thought if I passed him up, no one else would want me and I might miss my only chance at love.  So I settled.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  1. I loved carefully.  I learned that I had value outside of a man’s attention.  I got to know who I was as a woman and what I wanted in life.  And then I looked for someone who wanted me and wanted the life I was headed toward.  No more settling.


MKL 2. We believe in big love because we know it was at the root of our parents’ marriage, before it imploded. We believe in run-away-together kind of love stories, because we heard those stories first hand.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  2. I believed in big love because I saw it in other places.  Movies, music, and books assured me that big love existed.  So I looked for it in the marriages of my friends’ parents.  And I found it.   I just didn’t know how they’d obtained it.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  2. I believed that lasting love was more important than big love.  Movies, music, and books sold big love - a product that made real love unrecognizable.  Big love was hard to maintain and had too many unrealistic expectations.  I wanted real love.

MKL 3. But we’re also pretty sure big love ends in shambles. We’ve never seen otherwise. Whenever we’ve seen passion and fire, we’ve also seen the wreckage it leaves behind.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  3. If love only came in “go big or go home” options, marriage wasn’t for me.  Big love was often punctuated with loud voices, passionate arguments, and melodramatic making up.  Big love looked a lot like the road to divorce.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  3. Big love expectations diminished the value of little, intimate moments of love.  There could be passion and fire without the wreckage.  There could be soft voices and tender touches without first having a fight.  And those little moments added up to some really big love moments.

MKL 4. We optimistically believe that no love ever dies. We were told that “deep down” our parents still loved each other, even as one of them was moving out of the house. We wanted to believe that would always be true. That’s why when we break up with someone, whether it’s a significant other or a friend, we still believe a connection exists after the relationship ends.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  4. Sometimes the best thing a parent can do for the children is to get a divorce.  I knew my parents loved each other at one time, but that time was over.  And if it was over, then the best thing they did for me was to stop the cycle and move on.  I never optimistically believed they would someday get back together. And I didn't want them to.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  4. Sometimes the best thing a parent can do for the children is to reassure them that it wasn’t their fault and they’ll always be loved.  My children never asked if we were getting back together.  They knew we weren’t.  I did not create optimism nor did they express it.  I created a secure, safe environment that allowed them to know things were now going to be better.


MKL 5. We take care of you. It doesn’t matter if we don’t know you, or we aren’t interested. It doesn’t matter if you’ve broken our heart in the past. We know what it’s like to take care of our parents even after they’ve taken their problems out on us and it translates to our daily life.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  5. I didn’t know how to take care of myself.  I was the audience of many adult performances.  If they couldn’t help themselves, they couldn’t help me.  And if I couldn’t help myself, I was of no use to anyone else.  

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  5. It’s not my job to take care of anyone else outside of my children, but I can be a great friend to those going through their own situation.  I’m not going to open up to everyone.  I’m not going to allow everyone to open up to me.  There is a level of protection that is now in place.  But my ability to finish a friend’s sentences or understand without her telling me is a gift I’ve had forced upon me.


MKL 6. Things like emotional stability pique our interest. It’s something we’ve never seen in a relationship, and we want it. We find people who come from good marriages or “normal families” fascinating, and hope this means they know more about functional relationships than we do.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  6. Things like emotional stability piqued my interest.  Watching other families get it right gave me hope.  I spent more time at friends’ homes than my own because I wanted to soak in their normalcy.  Even their frustrations were intriguing because they didn’t lead to fights.  I was studying the arts of communication, forgiveness, compromise, negotiations, love, acceptance, accountability, and friendship.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  6. Things like emotional stability made me ask more questions.  I started to recognize normalcy, but I wanted to know how it was acquired.  How did a couple make things work after a few years?  How did they handle conflict?  How did they humble themselves and be vulnerable enough to let the other person really know and love them?


MKL 7. Love means questioning everything. We ask why over and over, even if we already know the answer. We need to reaffirm your love sometimes, just to make sure it’s still there. We need to make sure you have no ulterior motives, which we learned from our parents’ post-divorce paranoia.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  7. Insecurity meant questioning everything.  After the divorce, I was convinced that I was too much of something or too little of something to be of any value.  This led me to hide within myself and disappear as much as possible.  It also made me crave to be seen and known and loved.  The combination of insecure desire made me ill-equipped for marriage.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  7. Loving yourself means questioning everything.  The one thing divorce teaches you is the right questions to ask.  You question your motives for dating – am I lonely?  Do I need affirmation?  Am I ready?  You question what you’re looking for – a good time?  A baby daddy?  A companion?  You no longer care about the kind of car he drives, but whether or not he can keep a job.  You don’t ask about his favorite sports team or food to get to know him; you ask about his family, his upbringing, his goals, his temperament, his thoughts on children, religion, and money.  You ask the questions that matter before you fall in love because the answers determine the kind of relationship you’re walking into.  You have to love yourself (and your children) enough to ensure you love the right man.

MKL 8. Loving one person for the rest of our life seems terrifying. Not because we want to cheat, just because we are incredibly unsure if two people can stay married forever and actually be happy.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  8. Loving one person for the rest of my life seemed impossible.  I was mad at everyone - my mom, my dad, my sister, my teachers, my friends.  Everyone had either done something to hurt me or couldn’t identify with how I felt.  There was no love.  That was the terrifying part.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  8. Loving one person for the rest of my life was the goal.  I’d had one failed marriage.  When I was finally ready to put myself out there, to allow people to get to know me, I wasn’t looking for a good time.  I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted, and I was ready to get it right.  Loving one person for the rest of my life – and being loved in return – sounded like the greatest thing in the world.

MKL 9. Our separation anxiety shows in the way we love. We hold on to people, to memories, to anything we can grasp at. Even if we were never abandoned, we have a huge fear of abandonment which stuck with us from the irrational fears we had growing up.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  9. Not having my own space gave me anxiety.  After being in a home with arguments, broken promises, rejected affections, and sitting in a family room where no one would speak to one another, I was thankful for the alone time that came with the divorce.  I wanted to escape to my room, to process my thoughts without the fear of being a part of the drama.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  9. The anxiety I felt in the marriage was relieved with the separation and divorce.  Although fears of abandonment came up years after my parents’ divorce, I wasn’t concerned with that as much as I was afraid of being unloved.  As my marriage dissolved due to his choices, I realized that being unloved wasn’t the worst thing that could happen.  There was a peace that came with my divorce.


MKL 10. We will love you for loving us in our worst moments. We sought comfort as children and not much has changed.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  10.  I will not believe you when you say you love me.  This carried over into my adult years.  Some days it still tries to haunt me.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  10. If I want to be loved during my worst moments, I have to love others during their worst moments too.  It both breaks my heart and brings my heart to bursting when I look back on the times I have been treated with such love and kindness after I have been ugly.  That is surely true love.


MKL 11. We believe love will drive you to do crazy things because we’ve seen it first hand. We understand love can send you to great heights, even if it turns sour. It will drive us to follow you across the country if you ask, but will also make us pick the biggest fight you’ve ever been in.

                 Lori, the child of divorce:  11. I believed love drove you crazy.  Watching the pain my parents were in created a dilemma:  if they loved each other, why are they acting like they hate each other/but if they hate each other, why does it matter what the other person did?  Then as they tried to love me, they drove me crazy.  I wanted none of it.

                 Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  11. Love will stir me up to do crazy things, and fun things, and stupid things, and the best things.  Love, real love, inspired me to move to a new state with a man I’d known for only 10 weeks and marry him 8 weeks after that. He also came with five of his own children (making our brood a whooping 7).  We just started our 11^th year of marriage.  Crazy love will lead you down some of the craziest roads.  But they can also be the best roads.


MKL 12. We expect a lot. We come from single mothers who inspired us to get what we need before anything else. We come from a lifetime of watching fights and knowing there was an easier solution. We will demand that you find the easier solution.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  12.  I expected very little.  Life was a disappointment for many years.  I had no goals and it didn’t matter because I had no cheerleaders.  I had no reason to set the bar high so I didn’t.  That contributed to my first marriage.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  12. I expect a lot.  Of myself.  I had to learn to forgive my parents for things they’d done, but mostly for things I laid at their feet.  I had to learn to take accountability for my own choices and my own feelings of inadequacy.  I had to set an example for my children so they didn’t inherit the insecurities and pain from their parents’ divorce that I felt I’d inherited from my parents’ divorce.  I expect a lot of my marriage.  Like communication, and respect, and forgiveness, and authenticity, and friendship.  I expect it because those things are required if this second marriage is going to succeed.


MKL 13. We find problems after the first date. We’re trained to see the failures before the successes.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  13.  I overlooked problems on first dates.  I was too caught up in my own failures to see the failures of anyone else.  Things that should have been red flags were ignored – why would I judge him when I’m so afraid of being judged myself? Again, this contributed to my failed marriage.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  13. I didn’t look for problems, but when a deal breaker came up, I was done.  I learned to get to the big stuff, the stuff that mattered (see #7).  But I also knew that I couldn’t change a person.  I had a list of things I was willing to compromise and a list of things I wouldn’t compromise.  You can believe, I didn’t settle this time (see #1).


MKL 14. We are generally difficult people to love. We are unsure of what love to accept. We don’t know what’s too much. Honestly, we think most love is too much.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  14. I felt I was a difficult person to love.  On one hand, I thought I was unlovable because of my home dynamics/dysfunction.  On the other hand, my internal struggle made me very silent, very moody, and very unpleasant to be around.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  14. I have my bad days, but I am not difficult to like.  I have determined to remake myself into someone likeable.  I am intentional about my friendships, my compassion, my humor, my conversation.  I do not want to be difficult to know or difficult to be around.  I do not want to be smothered, but I certainly do not want to separate myself from others.


MKL 15. We forgive easily. If you stomp on our hearts, we’ll still take your call. There was always a time when we thought our parents would forgive each other and so we assume more lenience is necessary.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  15. I forgave easily, but I didn’t trust anyone close to me.  I knew the value of forgiveness, but I didn’t understand that it was a process.  I was still left with anger and feelings of being let down.  Despite wanting to have a healed heart, it didn’t happen for years.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  15.  I forgive easily, but I don’t forget.  I no longer hold the anger and hurt too long.  I analyze it and play it over and over…and then I let it go.  But I remember what’s been said and done.  Until a person can take accountability for their part and seek reconciliation, I am on guard.  I may love them; I may forgive them; but I maintain a level of protection from further damage.


MKL 16. No matter how soon we feel love, we won’t say it. We are never the first to say, “I love you.” We don’t ever want to feel that vulnerable.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  16. I thought “I love you” was used too often and too loosely.  It had no depth or value to me because it had been tarnished in being used during moments that really had nothing to do with love, but more with expectation.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  16. I say “I love you” as often as I can to the ones who need to hear it.  I am still learning what real love is, but I don’t withhold it.  Saying “I love you” means something to me.  They aren’t just words – they’re affirmations from me to someone else.  They are syllables meant to lift up and encourage.  They are a promise meant for special moments and everyday moments.  They are a gift to those who know me best and a blessing to those who least expect it.  I have no problem saying it first; because if I say it first, then you really know I mean it.

Added just from my personal experience:

Reasons for divorce:

                Lori, the child of divorce:  One parent is always more wrong than the other one.  I heard a lot, but I also saw a lot.  "Actions speak louder than words" was constantly going through my mind.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  One parent might do more wrong, but both people made mistakes that led to the divorce.  I can look back now and see where I failed as a wife.  I can look at my second marriage and see where I am a much better spouse this time than I was the first time.  I have to forgive myself for that.  And let that be a part of forgiving my ex.


The perspective of a child:

                Lori, the child of divorce:  It's easy to take a side because you know what's happening.  Sometimes you switch from being loyal to mom to being loyal to dad.  But you see and hear what the one is doing and saying to the other and you know what's right and wrong.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  You had no idea what was going on.  Many times, memories stay with us.  But our memories don't age with us; they stay stuck in our minds at the age in which they happened to us, along with the emotions that came with that experience.  Not everything is as it seemed. It's only later, as we mature and have our own life experiences that we can reevaluate those memories with greater knowledge.  The memory of a moment may have had many levels to it and missing information.  The loyalty that came so easily years ago may need to be adjusted.  There isn't always a "good" parent and a "bad" parent.  Sometimes there's just a bad marriage.  As an adult, it's necessary to examine childhood memories with new insight and maturity so that I can accept that my parents are human and they were doing the best they could, given the situation.