When Prayer Seems Wrong...

...because it's not life or death

I have a friend who shared a dilemma with me once:  she was dealing with the stress and uncertainly of changing jobs and moving, but a close family member had just learned some very serious, life-threatening news about their unborn baby.  My friend said to me, "I feel guilty praying and asking God to answer my prayers when their prayers are so much more important.  How can I possibly pray about my life when it doesn't even come close to what they're going through?"

Have you ever been there?  Prayed for a raise, or a safe trip, or a great parking space and then realized that some people are praying for healing from disease, for food to put on the table, for comfort as they just lost a loved one...I know I have.  And I have felt terrible about it. 

But what about those things we pray for that, while not life or death situations, are still real struggles for us?  Like "please don't let me lose my job;" "my child is failing in school;" "my husband and I don't agree on going to church;" "my best friend's husband is cheating on her and I don't know what to do."  Those are real struggles! 

There's a sentence we use in my family to describe this human nature - When I have a toothache, I don't care about the children in Africa.  Doesn't that about sum it up?  We know there are problems out there for other people, but we have our own trouble! 

So the question is, are we wrong to pray about our trouble when it's not as important as someone else's trouble?

The Bible says NO! We are not wrong!

         "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6

         "Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you." Psalm 55:22

         "For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayer." 1 Peter 3:12

         "And this is the confidence that we have toward Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." 1 John 5:14

What good news!  Now that doesn't mean that we should take our prayers to Him frivolously (like praying for a good grade when we know we didn't study). And it does mean that He will grant us every wish and desire just because we asked Him.  It does mean that if it's important to us, it's important to Him. 

Remember my friend?  This was my answer to her:

You have two sons.  Let's say that one of them falls off his bike and skins his knee.  He runs to you, crying and hurting.  You scoop him up, kiss his face, wipe his tears.  You get his knee cleaned up and put a bandaid on.  He cuddles with you on the sofa, starting to feel better.  Your other son comes to you and asks you to color with him.  What do you say?  "How could you ask that?  Don't you see your brother hurt himself? How selfish of you!"  No, you smile and say yes.  You know that your other son needs your attention as well and this is a need you can meet.  You know that your one son is not more special because he skinned his knee, and your other son is not less special because he only wants to color.  Both children had a need and they came to their parent to make it better.  That's what we do with God.  We go to him when we are hurting and we go to him when we are not.  He doesn't pick and choose who to love based on the need.  He doesn't tell us "How dare you" when our request isn't as serious as another.  He loves us, as a Father.

God calls Himself our Father.  In that way, He has our best interest in mind, and He wants to hear about our struggles.  He wants us to leave our burdens with Him.  And while His answer may not always be the one we hope for or expect, you can be sure that He cares about the things that are troubling you.

So take your petitions to the Lord with confidence.  He hears you and He loves you.  

Investing...

...in you.....
 

Have you ever wanted something really badly so you decide to save up the money to buy it?  If you're like most people, what you do in the meantime is research.  You read the reviews, find out the exact specs of the item you want, see what the competition is.  Let's say it's a new car:  you do your research, you find the make and model you want, you know the gas mileage, the engine size, the safety features.  But what color do you want?  Cloth or leather?  Sunroof?  Alloy wheels?  Upgrades to the sound system, alarm system, navigation system?  By the time you walk into the dealership, you know EXACTLY what you are looking for.  And you know there may be a couple things you'll have to compromise on like color or alloy wheels.  Or maybe you aren't willing to compromise anything, but you know that you'll have to compromise your time to wait on that exact car to come along (or be made) so you're sure to get everything you want.  But that's okay, because this is a big decision.  A car costs a lot of money and you should get exactly what you're looking for.

How about a house?  Again, the research - neighborhood crime rates, school zones, commute times to work.  You want to know how much comps are from one zip code to the next.  And as you narrow down your desired area, you have to make a list of all the things you want IN your house.  Brick or vinyl?  One story or two?  Carport or garage?  Acreage or lot? How many bathrooms and bedrooms?  Carpet or hardwood?  You want the whole package:  open floor plan with a living room and dining room, den for the kids, finished basement, dedicated office, large master suite, a guest room, a pool, an upgraded kitchen and it all needs to come in $50,000 less than what you're willing to pay.  Okay, maybe that's pushing it, but you know what I mean.  You want exactly what you want and you will look at many, many, MANY houses before you finally realize you need to reevaluate your expectations.  But no matter what, there are some things you will not compromise because this is an enormous decision and you should get exactly what you're looking for.

So.....what about.....your relationship?

How many of you reading this have ever thought about (much less, written down) exactly what you're looking for in a significant other?  How many of you have given any thought about the kind of person you will spend the rest of your life with, outside of the "gorgeous" and "rich" categories?  Maybe you know you like dark hair or light eyes, you like the kind of car he drives or the kind of clothes she wears.  But what about everything else?  Where's your list of haves and have nots?  Perhaps it would look something like this:

       *I'm looking for a person who is kind, funny, compassionate, motivated, educated, silly, giving
       *I'm looking for a person who is tall/short, thin/curvy, athletic/healthy, social/homebody
       *I'm looking for a person who can cook, clean, change the oil, play an instrument, dance, travel
       *I'm looking for a person who does/doesn't smoke, does/doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't have a criminal past, isn't a liar/cheat/deadbeat
       *I'm looking for a person who does/doesn't want kids, wants/doesn't want pets, doesn't live with their parents, pays their bills on time, is financially responsible
       *I'm looking for a person who will love me, listen to me, not abuse me, not play games with me, be loyal and be faithful
       *I'm looking for a person who loves God and has given his/her life to Christ so that we can build a relationship and family on a solid foundation.
       *I'm looking for a person who will pray with me, go to church with me, serve with me, lead me/work with me, study with me and spend a lifetime with me

Anybody have a list like this?  Not exactly like this, but a list of things that YOU are looking for?  Do you even KNOW what you're looking for to be able to make a list?  Why is it we make grocery lists and chore lists, we research colleges, and cars, and houses; but we rarely, if ever, make a list of the most important thing we will ever do in our lives - a picture of the person we will commit to and have children with.

I think the answer lies in the suggestion that we don't first know ourselves.  We don't know what we want, past surface ideas.  We know we want good looking and successful, but after that, we just figure it out as we go.  But as we go, we find ourselves dating people who should have never made it past a first date.  We give time to people long after they deserve to still be in our lives because.....why?  Is it because we think they will change?  Is it because we think we can change them?  Or is it because they change us?  If we don't know what we want, what we're looking for, we will go with whatever comes our way.  We like what they like, we do what they do, we go where they go....because we don't know what else to do.  So the first thing is to know ourselves.  And making that list of what you want will start that process.

As you make a list of what you're looking for, write down everything.  Hair color, job, salary, education level, geographically location - if you could make the perfect mate for yourself, what would they look like?  Character, past, religion, kids, nationality, whatever.  Write it down.  Then go back and put a star next to the things you're willing to compromise:  maybe you don't want a guy with a beard, but you know, if it's the right guy, you could live with it.  Maybe you don't want a girl with tattoos, but if the girl of your dreams had one, you might not mind it after all.  What would be okay to live with?  Then you need to highlight the things you absolutely will not compromise:  she cannot be a shoplifter, he cannot be 35 and living on his parents sofa.  Highlight those things that will matter long after the first few dates.

Remember the example of the car?  Imagine going shopping for a car and you had no idea what you wanted.  You'd be spending a lot of time at the dealership and really be getting on a salesperson's nerves!  You wouldn't know the answers to any of the questions they asked you about what you wanted to drive; you'd have no idea which car was a better fit for your exact needs; you'd have no idea what price range you would need to avoid.  You could easily end up with a used 1992 Toyota or a 2015 Land Rover - neither of which is what the average person needs.  So you go in with your list, you narrow it down, and you have a few to test drive.

That's how this relationship list works.  You now have a list to use to narrow down the dating pool.  Have you ever found yourself dating the same type of person and wonder how that keeps happening?  With this new plan, hopefully that will be the end of that experience.  Because now, you can look at your list and say, "He dropped out of school at 16 and I have a master's degree.  This isn't a good match up for me right now."  Or maybe, "She's dated four of my friends.  She's not a good fit for me."  Right away, you've saved yourself time and energy on someone who isn't what you're looking for.  Let's say you have dated a couple months.  One night you're out to dinner.  Mr. Right has had a bad day and suddenly screams at the waiter, cursing and making a scene.  It's a side to him you've never seen before.  RED FLAG!  That would fall under that abuse thing on the list.  If he's confident enough to act like that in public to a stranger, guess what it's like in private with someone he knows.  Your list just helped remind you that this is NOT what you are looking for.  Before it goes any further, you need to get out. You don't wait until things get worse.  Maybe Ms. Right has decided that since you're too busy to take her out, she'll call up an old friend and have him take her out.  That's a red flag!  You don't want to be with someone who isn't loyal and doesn't respect you.  With your list, you pick up on red flags (big or small) sooner so you can make the choices that are best for you.

And the best thing is - you can change your list!  You can adjust it as you go.  You can decide what to add or remove.  You can decide what to star and what to highlight.  Your maturity and your experiences will always need to be taken into account.  Just like your taste and needs in cars and houses change over time, so do your tastes and needs in a relationship.  What you wanted at 20 might not be what you want at 27.  That's okay!  The important thing is to know what you want.  Know what you will compromise.  Because the things you settle for can easily be the things that don't matter....or they can be the things that end up mattering the most.  Many people compromise the most important things and that's how they end up with the wrong significant other.  And it doesn't mean that they're bad people - it just means that they're wrong for you.

I share this with you from experience.  I had a list as a teenager, and I ignored all the red flags.  I ended up divorced after some bad years.  I have a sister who had to divorce after some very abusive years because she too ignored red flags.  I have a daughter who is divorced because she didn't know what red flags to watch for.  There are many, many variables that make up a relationship.  I'm not trying to say that this method is the cure for all the breakups out there.  I'm simply saying that if you will handle your worth and your future with as much care as you do other big decisions, you can find yourself in a much better position than perhaps you have in the past.

And one last bit of advice:  if those who love you (truly love you and have your best interest at heart) are telling you that your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't the right one for you, listen to them!  They are trying to tell you they've picked up on red flags that you may have missed.  Instead of being defensive, be grateful.  Hear them out, try to see if they have a point.  If they care about you, they won't want to hurt you.  They're trying to protect you.

The Poop in the Brownies Part 2

The Holy Nature of God

There's a story I've told my kids for years about the poop in the brownies that has given them a great visual for how our choices, our sins, can affect ourselves and others.  Our sins separate us from God in the same way that our minds (and stomachs!) tell us that we want nothing to do with those poopy brownies.  It is only through Christ's sinless life given on the cross can we be cleansed from our sins.  Without that, we are still like the brownies:  filled with something unclean, unpleasant, and utterly undesirable.

But what about that?  How does a God who is supposed to love us more than anything decide that if we don't accept His Son, Jesus Christ, as the One Who cleanses us from our, sin then He isn't going to let us into heaven?  Here's another analogy I've used with my kids to explain the perspective of God.

Imagine we live on a farm.  There's a huge yard and a large barn.  There are horses and chickens and cows and sheep and pigs.  You are a little boy (or maybe a tomboy little girl) who loves to play outside.  You also love to play with the animals.  Especially the pigs.  They run and squeal and you chase them all over the pen.  You're having a great time.  Then it's time for dinner, and Dad is standing on the porch calling you to come inside.  You come running across the yard, ready to hurry to your seat.  And that's when Dad says, "STOP! You can't come inside!"

You freeze.  He's called your name and he's waiting on you, but now he won't let you in.  You're confused.

Dad says, "You are filthy.  You are covered in mud and muck and pig mess.  There's no way I'm letting you in here."  You look down and realize you are covered in everything he just said (and then some).  You were having so much fun playing and goofing off that you didn't realize the mess you were in.  And now you can't go inside looking (and smelling!) that way. You need cleaned from head to toe.

Now imagine that instead of playing with the pigs, you've only been jumping in mud puddles all day.  Rain has left your yard full of wonderful places to splash in and you've had a great day of fun.  Now it's time for dinner.  Again you run for the house.  But again Dad says, "You're not coming in here like that."  You look down and, although you aren't covered head to toe in muck, you are still pretty dirty from the waist down.  Mud and water and grass is matted in your jeans, all over your shoes, your socks are soaking wet.  All the fun you were having making a smaller mess still left you dirty.


Does your Dad not love you?  He won't let you in his house.
Does he not care about you?  He won't even come near you.

The truth is no parent wants all that mess in their house.  The spots on the floor, the tracks in the carpet, the ring around the tub, the smell of the laundry....there's no way you're coming in my house!

Just like the poop in the brownies, what if the mud and muck is sin?  It doesn't matter if you're covered head to toe in the most awful mess or only matted with some smaller mess - you are still dirty.

Many times, we are like children playing outside, carefree and without thought to the choices we are making, so long as we are having fun.  We tell ourselves, and each other, that as long as we aren't hurting anyone what we are doing is ok. So we play and we get a little mud on our shoes.  And we play some more and get some mud on our jeans.  And then we think, since I'm already a little dirty, what's the big deal if I go ahead and do that 'more fun' thing...and suddenly we are covered head to toe in muck.  We don't realize that the fun of chasing after the pigs puts us right in the center of the pig pen. We don't even notice right away that we are eventually eating slop, the whole while there is a meal waiting for us inside the house.  We forget that pigs love to be dirty, and by putting ourselves in their environment, we only go deeper into the mud and get more dirty and more filthy.

And what if the Dad is God the Father?  In His holiness, He cannot allow the filth of sin to come into His home (heaven).  He sees your mess, He sees your sins, and He loves you anyway - just as an earthly father does. But like an earthly father, God wants you to be cleansed.  He wants to wash away the muck and the mess and the sin. Through His Son, Jesus Christ, God has given each of us a way to be washed clean.

Upon the cross, Christ died as the final sacrifice for all sin - past, present, and future.  He took upon Himself every sin of every person who had or would ever live.  In this way, He paid the price for sin.  Although He Himself was sinless, He voluntarily chose to take the place of every sinner so that they could become clean and enter the kingdom of God.  1 John 1:7 says that "The blood of Jesus Christ, His Son, cleanses us from all sin."  

It is only through being spiritually clean that we are able to come into the Father's house.  Although He loves us, enough to send Jesus in our place, He cannot let us into His home without being cleansed.  It is not because He is mean or unkind or lacking compassion.  It is not because we are worthless to Him or unimportant.  It is because He loves us so much that He doesn't want to leave us in the muck that we have covered ourselves with.  It is His greatest desire to see us come into His home and sit at His table and fellowship with us.  But we cannot cross into that threshold without being clean.

If you find yourself wanting to answer the call of the Father to His table, I encourage you to begin here.

*Acknowledge that you are covered in muck - a little or a lot, it doesn't matter.  I am a sinner in need of a Savior - this is to repent or turn away from sin

*Believe in your heart that God sent His perfect Son, Jesus, to die in your place and raised Him from the dead - this is to trust that Jesus paid the full penalty for each individual sin

*Confess Jesus as your Lord and your God - this is to surrender control of your life to Jesus, every facet, every aspect

*Receive Jesus as your Savior forever - this is to accept that God has done for me and in me what He promised     Article found here




For another analogy like this, see Why Won't Everyone Go to Heaven.

 There is a place for you at His table.

The Poop in the Brownies Part 1

The Sin Nature of Man

Years ago, I was talking to my girls about how our choices can affect our lives.  We were focusing on how even small, seemingly insignificant decisions can have major consequences in our lives and in the lives of others. I gave them the following analogy:

It's the end of the school day and you walk into the kitchen to find I've been making brownies.  The house smells of warm chocolate and the gooey goodness has just been removed from the oven.  You throw down your backpack and sit at the island to tell me about your day as we wait for the brownies to cool.  There's still a mess on the counter:  bowls, ingredients, a mixer with batter still on the beater.  You reach over and get a generous helping of batter on your finger.  As you go to lick it off, you notice a saucer of what looks like a small bit of soft chocolate.  Only it doesn't exactly look like chocolate.  You lean in closer and suddenly smell the total opposite of chocolate.  Your mind tells you that it can't possibly be what you think it is.  And then you realize you have almost licked your finger.  You look at me and ask, "Is that poop?!"  And I say, "Yes."  "You put it in the brownies?!?"  "Yes, but you'll hardly taste it.  They should be cooled now.  Do you want one?" I ask.  "No!!!!! That's disgusting!"

At this point, my kids were dry heaving and laughing at the silliness of the story.  I asked them if they would really turn down a brownie with poop in it, if it was mixed in really well.  They vehemently say yes.  I ask why and they tell me that even if they can't taste it, they know it's in there.  They think it's nasty and want nothing to do with it. 

So I go on to say what if you come home and there's still poop on the plate, but instead of being mostly gone, there's only a little bit missing. I only added a little. "Now do you want one?" I ask.  "No!!!!! That's still disgusting!"

I asked them if they would still turn down a brownie with only a little bit of poop.  Again, they agree that there's no way they are eating that brownie.  I ask why if it's only a little bit and not a lot.  Again, they say that it doesn't matter because even that little bit ruined the whole batch.

That is when we discussed that even small, tiny choices can have an impact.  Sometimes the impact isn't a big deal; sometimes you aren't even aware of the impact until much later.  But there is always a ripple effect to the decisions we make.  And then I told them to imagine that instead of the poop being a poor choice, what if it represented sin.

What if the poop in the brownies was a 'little white lie?'  What if it was sneaking the answer off your classmate's paper?  What if it was taking that dollar from mom's purse?  What if it was saying something mean and hateful to someone?  The poop in the brownies suddenly took on a whole new meaning.  Instead of just being a gross snack, now it was a picture of what we do in our hearts when we don't do the right thing.  The little sin that we convince ourselves isn't that big a deal sounds a whole lot worse when we think of it as poop in our food.  We would never voluntarily eat that poop brownie.  But we do that with our sin all the time.  We voluntarily make the choice to do the wrong thing because we think it's no big deal.  Except the more often we make the wrong choice, the more sin it leads to.  Pretty soon we're telling lies to cover our first lie. We're cheating on all our tests.  We're stealing from other people.  We're bullies and gossips.  And the portion of the poop in the brownies gets bigger and bigger.  And we just keep eating it.

There's a saying that says "one bad apple spoils the whole bunch."  We also talked about the scripture in Galatians (5:9) that references sin:  "A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough."  It means that no matter how much dough there is, even the tiniest bit of yeast will cause the dough to rise.  That's what sin does - it comes in small and grows and grows and grows.  The only way to keep the dough yeast-free is to not add any yeast.  Sounds simple enough, but how much bread do you eat that doesn't have yeast?  The same is true of our lives.  The only way to be sin free is to not add any sin.  But we aren't capable of that.  As fallen humans, we are born into sin.  We all fall and we all make choices that lead us away from a perfect and holy God.  But He has made a way for us through His Son Jesus Christ.  It is only through His sin free life and sacrifice that we are able to live our lives making better choices, turning away from our sin nature.

This is why I like the poop in the brownies analogy.  It's a great visual of our sin nature.  There's another analogy I tell my girls to share the holy nature of God.  See Part 2 here.

Blood is Thicker...

Than Water...or is it?

Have you ever heard that phrase?  Has it ever been used on you?  Or against you?  I know I've heard it
many, many times when someone close to me has tried to explain why they feel a particular allegiance that should otherwise be forgotten.  And every time it's said, all I feel is...undervalued, unappreciated, expendable, temporary, and certainly unloved.

It seemed that no matter what effort I put forth, no matter what heart and tears and work and compassion I offered, it was never going to measure up because I was just the "water" compared to the familial blood relative.  The blood relative that had absolutely no concern for or relationship with this person, but who received the loyalty nonetheless due to the importance of the "blood" connection.

One day I came across a wonderful article that listed The 5 Most Frequently Misused Proverbs.  Imagine my excitement when I saw that this quote was one they discussed.  Imagine my great delight when I read the truth of the proverb.

As stated in the article, we tend to use the phrase "blood is thicker than water" to either express loyalty (as mentioned above) or exert guilt upon a person who isn't siding with family.  It turns out, that's completely wrong!  The link is above, but here's an excerpt:

              ...if "blood" is referring to blood relations, then what...is the "water" supposed to refer to? Well, we can trace this back to an earlier proverb, which was that "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Which means we've actually got it backward -- the "water of the womb," or our family relationships, is not as strong as the "blood of the covenant." Rather than "blood" shared by family, the original interpretation of the term was literal blood. In other words, the blood that is shed by soldiers on the battlefield makes for stronger bonds than those of the family you happened by chance to be born into. It was also used in reference to "blood covenants" that people used to make, which involved cutting each other and mixing their blood together in a more hardcore version of the modern pinkie swear.

Isn't that interesting?!?  "Blood shed...on the battlefield makes for stronger bonds than those of the family you happened by chance to be born into."  What a concept!  And that was when I realized that, although the person I loved who had been using this phrase as an explanation about why I didn't quite make the cut, it was really a blessing he was bestowing on me.  Only he didn't know it either.

You see, I had shed some blood with this person.  But more importantly, we had been in battle together.  We had fought each other and we'd fought side by side.  We had overcome adversity and we had prevailed in ways we could not have imagined.  And it was by choice.  There was no DNA between us to bind us to one another.  There was no relational expectation of loyalty to hold to.  It was a choice to work together, to battle together, in order to win.  At no time did the "water of the womb" come near to battle at his side.  At no time did the "water of the womb" stand strong and protective when necessary.  No, that was me.  That was the one who was not blood to him.

It's been years since I've heard that phrase as it was meant all those times previous.  But it still lingered on my heart as a wound.  As a reminder that I was and would always be found lacking.  Since finding this article and reading the history of this phrase, I have not only found peace with the memories, but I have found hope.  The person I love may never know the truth behind this phrase.  But I do.  And so I don't have to feel inadequate because I know I have more than proven my worth in the battlefield.

And what of the ultimate blood, the blood of Christ?  He Who faced the greatest enemy - death - and overcame it with His own sacrifice.  He Who has no DNA tie to us other than His divine love yet came to earth to prove that love.  Christ Who goes before us in battle because we are His own.  That is the blood that is thicker than water.  For while the water of baptism is an act of obedience, it does not in itself have the power to save.  Only that is found in the blood of the perfect Lamb of God.

For those who have heard this phrase, or those who have used it themselves, I hope you find new clarity in the truth behind this proverb.  Instead of being used to guilt or divide, it was intended to build up and encourage.  It is meant to form bonds instead of break them.  I know that I now hear this phrase with a new sense of strength and purpose.  I hear it with gratitude and achievement and permission to keep moving forward.

I will never share the "waters of the womb" with some of the people I most love.  But I have and will continue to share the battlefield on their behalf.  And while the wounds that are afflicted may not draw literal blood, the scars are no less real.  I have seen the injuries caused and I know the damage left behind by those "waters."

For as long as I can, I will stand with them against the "waters."  I will fight beside them.  I will fight for them.  I will never stop because the blood that is shed on the battlefield is stronger than the waters of the womb.

Holding Court

Without representation

Recently, someone very close to me was required to appear in court.  She knew it was coming; in fact, she had petitioned for the hearing herself.  She spent many hours preparing her statements, compiling her documents, ensuring that she had everything in order to present her side of the situation.  The goal - to walk out with the judge ruling on her behalf.  And it was clear that he would.  She had all the evidence she needed to support her case.  There was nothing missing, there were no loose ends, no surprises.  The biggest hassle was that she must fly 1300 miles to appear in person.

She arrived to court that morning feeling good.  Confident.  At peace.  She had prayed and was ready to do her part in the task at hand.

And then the judge walked in and everything changed.

He said she'd filed the wrong paperwork.  He said she couldn't argue particular points.  He didn't want to look at her evidence or documents.  He believed the other side when they said they had no idea why the hearing had been called.  He spent time telling her that due to her "innocent" mistakes and her actions that took her outside the law, she could be facing contempt charges and possible jail time.  He berated her for not coming into his court with an attorney.  In an act of mercy, he ordered a continuance for two weeks later.

She left - an emotional wreck, just thankful to have finally been allowed to leave his presence.

Fast forward.  It's three weeks later.  She has hired an attorney who was able to push the hearing back an extra week.  She has provided all of her previous statements and documentation to this attorney and he agrees with her that she has a sold case.  He assures her that this hearing will go smoothly and will end favorably for her.  She is nervous, but she trusts him.  In an unexpected turn of events, the judge granted her the ability to appear by telephone instead of flying to town again.  With caution, she was feeling optimistic again.

She sat on hold waiting for the hearing to begin for 40 minutes.  The hearing itself was over in five.  Her attorney presented everything she'd provided - everything the judge hadn't wanted to hear the last time - and the judge agreed with her side of things.  He agreed that she was, in fact, within the law.  There was no mention of contempt or jail.  An agreement was reached, a verdict rendered, the case closed.  Having representation changed everything.

It was finished.

Throughout this entire episode (weeks of preparation, weeks of praying, days of analyzing after the first hearing, tears and frustrations, more prayers, more planning, and the end results), I couldn't help but find the fascinating parallels my loved one went through compared to another day before a Judge that each of us will face.

One day in the near future, we will be required to take our turn and stand before God, the ultimate Authority over each of us.  Some of us will be surprised to be there, not having believed in Him.  Others will think they are ready, having prepared their statements and evidence.  They will feel confident and justified, not realizing their inadequacy and true lack of preparation.  Instead, they will not be able to stand before a Holy God and every attempt they make to defend themselves will fail. For these cases, The judge will not want to hear arguments or see evidence.  He will listen to the other side present their case of everything they have against the person - and He will believe them.  He will tell them how they have acted outside the law and are guilty.  He will tell them they should have come before Him with a Mediator who could speak on their behalf.  But there will be no continuance.  There will only be a final judgment.  Those found without representation will be eternally separated from God and His kingdom.

Then there will be those who will be able to stand before God, truly prepared because they take with them the only Mediator who can defend them against their guilt.  Because, the truth is, we are all guilty before this Holy God.  The Mediator will speak for that person and defend him or her against all the evidence the other side has.  He will explain how all the evidence is true and ugly and against the law of God.  And then He will explain how none of that matters because that person asked Him to be more than their Mediator - they asked Him to be their Savior.  Jesus will show God the Father the scars in His hands and feet, and God the Judge will see that the penalty for that person's guilt has already been paid.  The hearing will be ended.  For it is finished.

I have also found myself before a judge many times before.  There is a trepidation that comes with appearing before someone with such authority.  Despite having a good outcome each time, the nervousness and desire to be heard never changes.  Now apply this to the moment you will stand before a Holy God.  There are only two choices:  anxiety or peace.  There is no answer for those who go before His throne without the Mediator.  There is nothing they can say or do to save themselves, although they all will try.  The only peace that will come in that moment is having the Prince of Peace Himself serve as your voice and your Defender.  Taking Him as your Representation changes everything.

If you are in Christ, your judgement day will be a day of peace.  Although you cannot defend yourself against your sin, Christ has paid your penalty.  You sealed your day of judgment when you made Jesus Lord of your life.

If you are without Christ, or are unsure of the outcome of your judgment day, I implore you to accept Him.  There is no exchange of money or any bartering you can do to hire Him.  You can only accept Him through His free gift of His sacrifice on the cross.  The Bible says, "The wages (what one earns) of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 6:23. That means that every time we choose to go against God's Word, we are earning our death, we are earning our punishment.  But "God made this sinless man [Jesus] be a sin offering on our behalf" so that we would have an opportunity to avoid paying the price of our sins ourselves. Remember that we earn death through our sins; but because Jesus became sin in our place, His death pays the penalty for our sins.

That's it, two choices:  1. guilty in your sins before God because you are without Jesus
                                    2. found not guilty by God because Jesus already paid for your 
                                        sins with His death

If you would like more information on how you can know that Jesus will not only be your Mediator before a Holy God, but also walk with you each day between now and then, here is one place to start:

*I acknowledge I am a sinner in need of a Savior - this is to repent or turn away from sin
*I believe in my heart that God raised Jesus from the dead - this is to trust that Jesus paid the full penalty for my sins
*I confess Jesus as my Lord and my God - this is to surrender control of my life to Jesus
*I receive Jesus as my Savior forever - this is to accept that God has done for me and in me what He promised                    Article found here.

So There's This Article...

and I can't stay quiet...

There’s an article making its way around social media entitled “16 Ways Children of Divorce Love Differently.”  You can see the article by clicking on the title, but I've included her statements below before I put my responses.  The author, an admitted child of divorce, states the things she has learned and applied to her adult life after living through her parents’ divorce.  While she has the right to voice her opinions and personal experiences, she presents the list as if it's all-inclusive and factual for every child of divorce.  She lists hurts based on emotions and hopes based on those same emotions.  She uses childhood memories to make adult comparisons. Perhaps she was a different age than I was at the time her parents divorced, but her blanket statements aren't helpful.  Perhaps she experienced things with her parents' divorce that I didn't during mine, but that doesn't make her universal statements accurate.  And while her inaccuracy is evident to me, I keep seeing her article shared so I have to conclude that her inaccuracy is not evident to everyone else.  Again, she has a right to express her personal opinions; but not as comprehensive facts.  So as a child of divorce AND a divorced adult, I’d like to offer my own opinion and personal experience about what divorce did to me as a child AND to me as an adult who has had to parent children of divorce.  

The author, Maya Kachroo-Levine:  1. We love cautiously. We’ve seen heartbreak and not just in our own lives. We take commitments seriously, which is why we don’t make them often.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  1. I loved carelessly.  The aftermath of the divorce left me feeling unloved and unlovable.  At 19, I clung to the first guy who came along because I thought if I passed him up, no one else would want me and I might miss my only chance at love.  So I settled.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  1. I loved carefully.  I learned that I had value outside of a man’s attention.  I got to know who I was as a woman and what I wanted in life.  And then I looked for someone who wanted me and wanted the life I was headed toward.  No more settling.


MKL 2. We believe in big love because we know it was at the root of our parents’ marriage, before it imploded. We believe in run-away-together kind of love stories, because we heard those stories first hand.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  2. I believed in big love because I saw it in other places.  Movies, music, and books assured me that big love existed.  So I looked for it in the marriages of my friends’ parents.  And I found it.   I just didn’t know how they’d obtained it.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  2. I believed that lasting love was more important than big love.  Movies, music, and books sold big love - a product that made real love unrecognizable.  Big love was hard to maintain and had too many unrealistic expectations.  I wanted real love.

MKL 3. But we’re also pretty sure big love ends in shambles. We’ve never seen otherwise. Whenever we’ve seen passion and fire, we’ve also seen the wreckage it leaves behind.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  3. If love only came in “go big or go home” options, marriage wasn’t for me.  Big love was often punctuated with loud voices, passionate arguments, and melodramatic making up.  Big love looked a lot like the road to divorce.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  3. Big love expectations diminished the value of little, intimate moments of love.  There could be passion and fire without the wreckage.  There could be soft voices and tender touches without first having a fight.  And those little moments added up to some really big love moments.

MKL 4. We optimistically believe that no love ever dies. We were told that “deep down” our parents still loved each other, even as one of them was moving out of the house. We wanted to believe that would always be true. That’s why when we break up with someone, whether it’s a significant other or a friend, we still believe a connection exists after the relationship ends.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  4. Sometimes the best thing a parent can do for the children is to get a divorce.  I knew my parents loved each other at one time, but that time was over.  And if it was over, then the best thing they did for me was to stop the cycle and move on.  I never optimistically believed they would someday get back together. And I didn't want them to.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  4. Sometimes the best thing a parent can do for the children is to reassure them that it wasn’t their fault and they’ll always be loved.  My children never asked if we were getting back together.  They knew we weren’t.  I did not create optimism nor did they express it.  I created a secure, safe environment that allowed them to know things were now going to be better.


MKL 5. We take care of you. It doesn’t matter if we don’t know you, or we aren’t interested. It doesn’t matter if you’ve broken our heart in the past. We know what it’s like to take care of our parents even after they’ve taken their problems out on us and it translates to our daily life.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  5. I didn’t know how to take care of myself.  I was the audience of many adult performances.  If they couldn’t help themselves, they couldn’t help me.  And if I couldn’t help myself, I was of no use to anyone else.  

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  5. It’s not my job to take care of anyone else outside of my children, but I can be a great friend to those going through their own situation.  I’m not going to open up to everyone.  I’m not going to allow everyone to open up to me.  There is a level of protection that is now in place.  But my ability to finish a friend’s sentences or understand without her telling me is a gift I’ve had forced upon me.


MKL 6. Things like emotional stability pique our interest. It’s something we’ve never seen in a relationship, and we want it. We find people who come from good marriages or “normal families” fascinating, and hope this means they know more about functional relationships than we do.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  6. Things like emotional stability piqued my interest.  Watching other families get it right gave me hope.  I spent more time at friends’ homes than my own because I wanted to soak in their normalcy.  Even their frustrations were intriguing because they didn’t lead to fights.  I was studying the arts of communication, forgiveness, compromise, negotiations, love, acceptance, accountability, and friendship.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  6. Things like emotional stability made me ask more questions.  I started to recognize normalcy, but I wanted to know how it was acquired.  How did a couple make things work after a few years?  How did they handle conflict?  How did they humble themselves and be vulnerable enough to let the other person really know and love them?


MKL 7. Love means questioning everything. We ask why over and over, even if we already know the answer. We need to reaffirm your love sometimes, just to make sure it’s still there. We need to make sure you have no ulterior motives, which we learned from our parents’ post-divorce paranoia.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  7. Insecurity meant questioning everything.  After the divorce, I was convinced that I was too much of something or too little of something to be of any value.  This led me to hide within myself and disappear as much as possible.  It also made me crave to be seen and known and loved.  The combination of insecure desire made me ill-equipped for marriage.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  7. Loving yourself means questioning everything.  The one thing divorce teaches you is the right questions to ask.  You question your motives for dating – am I lonely?  Do I need affirmation?  Am I ready?  You question what you’re looking for – a good time?  A baby daddy?  A companion?  You no longer care about the kind of car he drives, but whether or not he can keep a job.  You don’t ask about his favorite sports team or food to get to know him; you ask about his family, his upbringing, his goals, his temperament, his thoughts on children, religion, and money.  You ask the questions that matter before you fall in love because the answers determine the kind of relationship you’re walking into.  You have to love yourself (and your children) enough to ensure you love the right man.

MKL 8. Loving one person for the rest of our life seems terrifying. Not because we want to cheat, just because we are incredibly unsure if two people can stay married forever and actually be happy.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  8. Loving one person for the rest of my life seemed impossible.  I was mad at everyone - my mom, my dad, my sister, my teachers, my friends.  Everyone had either done something to hurt me or couldn’t identify with how I felt.  There was no love.  That was the terrifying part.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  8. Loving one person for the rest of my life was the goal.  I’d had one failed marriage.  When I was finally ready to put myself out there, to allow people to get to know me, I wasn’t looking for a good time.  I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted, and I was ready to get it right.  Loving one person for the rest of my life – and being loved in return – sounded like the greatest thing in the world.

MKL 9. Our separation anxiety shows in the way we love. We hold on to people, to memories, to anything we can grasp at. Even if we were never abandoned, we have a huge fear of abandonment which stuck with us from the irrational fears we had growing up.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  9. Not having my own space gave me anxiety.  After being in a home with arguments, broken promises, rejected affections, and sitting in a family room where no one would speak to one another, I was thankful for the alone time that came with the divorce.  I wanted to escape to my room, to process my thoughts without the fear of being a part of the drama.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  9. The anxiety I felt in the marriage was relieved with the separation and divorce.  Although fears of abandonment came up years after my parents’ divorce, I wasn’t concerned with that as much as I was afraid of being unloved.  As my marriage dissolved due to his choices, I realized that being unloved wasn’t the worst thing that could happen.  There was a peace that came with my divorce.


MKL 10. We will love you for loving us in our worst moments. We sought comfort as children and not much has changed.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  10.  I will not believe you when you say you love me.  This carried over into my adult years.  Some days it still tries to haunt me.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  10. If I want to be loved during my worst moments, I have to love others during their worst moments too.  It both breaks my heart and brings my heart to bursting when I look back on the times I have been treated with such love and kindness after I have been ugly.  That is surely true love.


MKL 11. We believe love will drive you to do crazy things because we’ve seen it first hand. We understand love can send you to great heights, even if it turns sour. It will drive us to follow you across the country if you ask, but will also make us pick the biggest fight you’ve ever been in.

                 Lori, the child of divorce:  11. I believed love drove you crazy.  Watching the pain my parents were in created a dilemma:  if they loved each other, why are they acting like they hate each other/but if they hate each other, why does it matter what the other person did?  Then as they tried to love me, they drove me crazy.  I wanted none of it.

                 Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  11. Love will stir me up to do crazy things, and fun things, and stupid things, and the best things.  Love, real love, inspired me to move to a new state with a man I’d known for only 10 weeks and marry him 8 weeks after that. He also came with five of his own children (making our brood a whooping 7).  We just started our 11^th year of marriage.  Crazy love will lead you down some of the craziest roads.  But they can also be the best roads.


MKL 12. We expect a lot. We come from single mothers who inspired us to get what we need before anything else. We come from a lifetime of watching fights and knowing there was an easier solution. We will demand that you find the easier solution.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  12.  I expected very little.  Life was a disappointment for many years.  I had no goals and it didn’t matter because I had no cheerleaders.  I had no reason to set the bar high so I didn’t.  That contributed to my first marriage.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  12. I expect a lot.  Of myself.  I had to learn to forgive my parents for things they’d done, but mostly for things I laid at their feet.  I had to learn to take accountability for my own choices and my own feelings of inadequacy.  I had to set an example for my children so they didn’t inherit the insecurities and pain from their parents’ divorce that I felt I’d inherited from my parents’ divorce.  I expect a lot of my marriage.  Like communication, and respect, and forgiveness, and authenticity, and friendship.  I expect it because those things are required if this second marriage is going to succeed.


MKL 13. We find problems after the first date. We’re trained to see the failures before the successes.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  13.  I overlooked problems on first dates.  I was too caught up in my own failures to see the failures of anyone else.  Things that should have been red flags were ignored – why would I judge him when I’m so afraid of being judged myself? Again, this contributed to my failed marriage.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  13. I didn’t look for problems, but when a deal breaker came up, I was done.  I learned to get to the big stuff, the stuff that mattered (see #7).  But I also knew that I couldn’t change a person.  I had a list of things I was willing to compromise and a list of things I wouldn’t compromise.  You can believe, I didn’t settle this time (see #1).


MKL 14. We are generally difficult people to love. We are unsure of what love to accept. We don’t know what’s too much. Honestly, we think most love is too much.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  14. I felt I was a difficult person to love.  On one hand, I thought I was unlovable because of my home dynamics/dysfunction.  On the other hand, my internal struggle made me very silent, very moody, and very unpleasant to be around.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  14. I have my bad days, but I am not difficult to like.  I have determined to remake myself into someone likeable.  I am intentional about my friendships, my compassion, my humor, my conversation.  I do not want to be difficult to know or difficult to be around.  I do not want to be smothered, but I certainly do not want to separate myself from others.


MKL 15. We forgive easily. If you stomp on our hearts, we’ll still take your call. There was always a time when we thought our parents would forgive each other and so we assume more lenience is necessary.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  15. I forgave easily, but I didn’t trust anyone close to me.  I knew the value of forgiveness, but I didn’t understand that it was a process.  I was still left with anger and feelings of being let down.  Despite wanting to have a healed heart, it didn’t happen for years.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  15.  I forgive easily, but I don’t forget.  I no longer hold the anger and hurt too long.  I analyze it and play it over and over…and then I let it go.  But I remember what’s been said and done.  Until a person can take accountability for their part and seek reconciliation, I am on guard.  I may love them; I may forgive them; but I maintain a level of protection from further damage.


MKL 16. No matter how soon we feel love, we won’t say it. We are never the first to say, “I love you.” We don’t ever want to feel that vulnerable.

                Lori, the child of divorce:  16. I thought “I love you” was used too often and too loosely.  It had no depth or value to me because it had been tarnished in being used during moments that really had nothing to do with love, but more with expectation.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  16. I say “I love you” as often as I can to the ones who need to hear it.  I am still learning what real love is, but I don’t withhold it.  Saying “I love you” means something to me.  They aren’t just words – they’re affirmations from me to someone else.  They are syllables meant to lift up and encourage.  They are a promise meant for special moments and everyday moments.  They are a gift to those who know me best and a blessing to those who least expect it.  I have no problem saying it first; because if I say it first, then you really know I mean it.

Added just from my personal experience:

Reasons for divorce:

                Lori, the child of divorce:  One parent is always more wrong than the other one.  I heard a lot, but I also saw a lot.  "Actions speak louder than words" was constantly going through my mind.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  One parent might do more wrong, but both people made mistakes that led to the divorce.  I can look back now and see where I failed as a wife.  I can look at my second marriage and see where I am a much better spouse this time than I was the first time.  I have to forgive myself for that.  And let that be a part of forgiving my ex.


The perspective of a child:

                Lori, the child of divorce:  It's easy to take a side because you know what's happening.  Sometimes you switch from being loyal to mom to being loyal to dad.  But you see and hear what the one is doing and saying to the other and you know what's right and wrong.

                Lori, the ex-wife and mother:  You had no idea what was going on.  Many times, memories stay with us.  But our memories don't age with us; they stay stuck in our minds at the age in which they happened to us, along with the emotions that came with that experience.  Not everything is as it seemed. It's only later, as we mature and have our own life experiences that we can reevaluate those memories with greater knowledge.  The memory of a moment may have had many levels to it and missing information.  The loyalty that came so easily years ago may need to be adjusted.  There isn't always a "good" parent and a "bad" parent.  Sometimes there's just a bad marriage.  As an adult, it's necessary to examine childhood memories with new insight and maturity so that I can accept that my parents are human and they were doing the best they could, given the situation.