Repeated Behavior

Is a pattern 

It’s said that “hurting people hurt people.” I think that healed people heal people. The problem lies in those who either don’t want to be healed or don’t realize they need to be healed. Trauma, grief, abuse, shame…it all leaves a mark. I haven’t met one person who was able to heal all by themselves. Whether it was a book or program or therapy or support from others, they needed an outside source to walk them through healing.

It takes time. Time to process. Time to grieve. Time to own your part (if any). Time to accept. Time to forgive. Time to blossom again. Just because natural time passes doesn’t mean the time for healing is complete. Some live in denial for years, never letting grief have it’s turn. Some stay angry and bitter long after they should have. Some believe they arrive at acceptance and forgiveness only to lock themselves away to avoid future possible harm. None of these is healed. A good test of whether or not you are seeing positive growth in your process is to take stock of your relationships. A healthy marriage, happy kids, strong bonds with friends and extended family, a good balance with coworkers…all measures of where you are in the timeline of healing. Avoidance, secrets, shallow bonds, and lost relationships are some of the indications that things are not as good as you’d like others to believe. 

True healing comes from owning your part - which might only be admitting you have avoided getting help. It requires looking within, examining the wound, and perhaps causing some pain in the journey toward complete healing.

The same is true of our unhealed emotional hurts and wounds. Infection or disease left too long, becomes a poison in our bodies. Unresolved emotional circumstances also poison us. It is better to have the pain of recovery after surgery than to live with the pain of disease or injury. Just because something hurts doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. It may be necessary to save your life. 

 I give all glory to The Great Physician for His hand in my personal healings. He has comforted me in my pain while also showing me where I needed to do the hard work. He brought people into my life to walk beside me, speaking words of truth and encouragement. He even removed those who continued to injure rather than aid. He was working long before I even knew He was present. And He will do the same for you if you are ready to do the hard work of recovery and healing.

At the Heart of...

 ...lying

The Bible has a lot to say about lying. From the first temptation in Genesis to eternal punishment in Revelation, lying leads to death. Yet many treat lying as insignificant, even necessary. Using innocent sounding names like “white lies” or “falsehoods” or “fake news” makes it sound less destructive. Using excuses like “misunderstandings” or “I didn’t mean it that way” as an attempt to back pedal and avoid accountability. But this isn’t an issue of poor communication - it’s an issue of poor character. 

 We cannot say we love God and willfully choose sin. We cannot say we hate the things that grieve God while doing the things that grieve God. This same logic is applied to other sins. Why is lying treated differently?

When You Receive Imput...

 ...consider the source

 🔴When receiving criticism 

🔴When receiving advice 

🔴When receiving gossip 

Consider the source

⁉️Is it someone who you can trust to speak hard truth to you about a real issue OR it it someone who is only saying something negative to make themselves feel better? 

⁉️Is it someone who is sharing valuable wisdom and knowledge that can help you OR is it someone telling you how to do life while theirs falls apart? 

⁉️Is it someone who is speaking in love out of concern and compassion OR is it someone who is causing division and sharing information that isn’t theirs to repeat? 

🔎Consider the source. 

🔎Consider the motive. 

🔎Consider what you know about the person speaking and the person being spoken about. 

🔎Consider whether there is current or previous evidence of the behavior being spoken about. 

🔎Consider what can be gained or lost by what is being shared.

You Know What?

I want to know you 

 

I don’t do small talk well. I mean, I *can* talk about the weather and how your week has been and how tired we both are. But I won’t feel we’ve connected. And I won’t feel we’ve deepened our friendship. 

💭I want to hear about your dreams and goals and struggles to reach them. 

 💭I want to hear about your small victories and big defeats and all the steps in between. 

💭I want to hear about the things that matter to you and the things that hurt you and I want to remember them. 

💭I want you to feel safe enough to share tears, fears, and secrets and not only laughter. 

💭I want you to know love and encouragement and accountability. 

💭I want more than “I’m fine” and “no worries.” 

💭I want you to know I see the truth in your eyes despite the smile on your lips. 

 I want you to know you’re worth knowing. And I want to know you better.

Hey, Couples!

I’m talking to you! 

Think honestly about your relationship over the last six months. Your time spent together (or apart). Your conversations. Your affection. Your tone of voice. Your volume of voice. 

Based on how you’ve interacted during this time, would you want to be in a relationship with the other person if you were still dating and not married? 

❓Would you say yes if he asked you out based on his behavior over the last six months? 

❓Would you ask her out based on her behavior over the last six months? 

I’m not talking about a bad day or bad news or under the weather or some sleepless nights. I’m talking about consistent patterns of respect/disrespect; thoughtful conversations/silent treatment; simple gestures of affection/avoiding intimacy; words and tone of love and kindness/words and tone of impatience and indifference; apologies and forgiveness/score keeping and bitterness. 

❤️‍🩹Are you the kind of person your spouse would want to be in a relationship with if they met you within the last six months?

Marriage is more than deciding you won’t get a divorce. Just because you follow the Bible and know you have to stick it out doesn’t mean becoming roommates is the solution. And as much as you might have real problems with your spouse’s behavior, you have to be willing to make your own first steps toward healing the friendship. 

👫The friendship. Not the relationship. 

Too many times, we forget that our spouse started off as being the one person we wanted to spend the most time with, share our secrets and dreams with, laugh and make memories with. We didn’t start out sharing bills and burdens and babies - we started as friends. 

🚫So think of your friends now. Would they still invite you if you spoke to them the way you speak to your spouse? Would they want to trust you with their hurts and fears if you handled them carelessly? Would they trust you to have their back if every interaction included disrespect? No healthy friendship keeps that kind of toxicity around. And a marriage is by far the most important friendship you’ll ever have. 

You must cultivate your spousal friendship as you would any other. Appreciation, understanding, accountability, loyalty, honesty, respect, commitment…fun, humor, memory making… 

Building a home and a family is exhausting. The days are long, the nights are short. The bills from collectors are higher than the bills from your wallet. And yet, you are supposed to be on the same team. Facing the difficulties of life shoulder to shoulder rather than facing off against one another. Your spouse should be your partner instead of another problem. 

💪🏻Wives, respect your husbands. In his mind, love equals respect. Build him up. Genuinely compliment him. Find *something* he is doing well and praise him for it. Thank him for his sacrifice to miss out on time with the family as he provides. Set an example in front of the children. Do not let them disrespect him. Encourage them to love him through their obedience and their kindness. 

🛟Husbands, love your wives. In her mind, feeling safe is a large aspect of feeling loved. Protect her from feeling she has to compete for your attention. Show her that you are trying to make the wisest decisions for the family. Tell her of your appreciation for her in all she does to care for the home and the family. Recognize that she feels the work of her hands may not be as significant as the work you do, but you see her and you acknowledge her sacrifice. 

🗣️Speak kindly. 

💯Apologize when necessary. 

🫂Seek affection. 

💋Embrace intimacy. 

💬Talk about things other than responsibilities. 

🥸Laugh together. 

💧Cry together. 

🙏🏼Pray together. 

 Rediscover that incredible friend in one another that you have been ignoring and tell them you’ve missed them. Your marriage needs them. 👰🏼🤵🏻‍♂️

When You Seek God

And He gives you confirmation

  Recently I’ve been doubting myself, my gifts, what I feel is my purpose and calling. Despite attempts at walking it out, there seemed to be let down and rejection at every turn. It’s not only discouraging; it makes you question everything you thought you knew about your passion. It makes your prayers more like tearful begging for revelation. “God, take this desire from me if it’s not what You have for me.” And then…He answered.

Twice in the last week, I’ve had unassuming conversations with professionals that I only interact with every few months. During both of these conversations, each one asked me “what do you do for a living? Are you a {particular career}?” Each guessed a different career, but both careers require characteristics of the traits I have the desire to use and have been doubting. After months of discouragement and feelings of failure, I was validated and humbly blessed. I was so thankful the Father heard my prayers and answered.

Here’s what I’ve realized: 

💡We often look to those closest to us to notice and encourage our efforts. They know us best so they should recognize our gifts. But this often isn’t the case. 

💡Those around us get used to us. Our special passions and callings become as familiar to them as our smile and tone of voice. To them, it’s just how we are. They probably don’t even think about it being something special to encourage or compliment or seek out if it’s a resource they need. It just doesn’t occur to them. 

💡But strangers and acquaintances don’t see us as often or know us as well. So when we walk in our passion, they pick up on it as something new to them. They realize it’s different than other people they encounter (which might not be true because of #2). So they’re quick to pay attention and point it out. 

💡And I think people often *do* think complimentary things about others - they just don’t always say them to the individual who needs to hear it. I think if we each remember how good we feel when given a genuine compliment, we’d be more inclined to give them to others more often. 

(Disclaimer: I’m a Words of Affirmation girl so this is near and dear to my heart. But even if that isn’t your love language, a kind word about something you notice in someone else could be just the thing they need to believe in themselves again.)

Exhortation

When it comes against pride

 

Scripture tells us that each person in the body of believers  is equipped with gifts through the Holy Spirit. These gifts are intended to build up, encourage, and even correct one another in their faith. Sadly, many crave the encouragement, but flee from admonishment.

But the gift of exhortation is both - to come along side with strength or call out an area that is weak. If the exhorter is humble and genuine, this gift should be seen as a blessing to receive. But the flesh is prideful, often refusing to accept the truth shared in the exhortation. And as much as that is a detriment for the intended recipient, it’s also a heavy burden for the one trying to give - the one who is left grieving, watching the hurting one run away toward more pain.