Step Parents

Closing the Gap

Any step parents out there?  How about children with step parents?  Anyone thinking of becoming a blended family?

Almost ten years ago, I married an amazing man who made life better, made me better, made the life of my children better.  And in an instant, I became a stepmom.  To five children.  Ages 16, 15, 14, 11, and 7.  Not to mention that my two little girls were 6 and 3.  It was a crazy, full, terrifying and beautiful time of learning to live the blended family life.  I like to joke that we were The Brady Bunch, without the much-needed Alice.

I won't lie.  I hate the term "stepmom."  It conjures up images of Disney's Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty - poor innocent children treated heinously by evil, wicked women who were so jealous of those precious babes, they could only plot ways to get rid of them.  Isn't that a pretty picture?  Not exactly how I'd like to be referred, and yet, here I am.  Over the years, I've made a conscious effort not to live up to any of the dreaded movie imagery.  But I know I've fallen into the much more common "you're not my real mom" moments.  Oh, they've always been smart enough not to say it.  But I know it's been thought.  Or said when I'm wasn't in the room.

It was a hard role to step into (no pun intended).  It was much easier for my husband.  My girls had no recollection of ever having a father and so he was able to pick up the pieces of their yearning hearts and be the hero.  (He later adopted them, but that's another story.)  I, on the other hand, felt like an intruder.  I never once tried to replace their "real" mother, but I was a real mother too!  I may not have had them from birth, but I had them in my home.  I was cooking and cleaning and shopping and transporting.  I was breaking up fights, going to appointments, helping with homework, administering medicine, giving hugs and kisses, offering advice, and doling out consequences.  I sure felt like a "real" mom.  Those were some hard years - doing the work, but never quite feeling like you were getting all the credit.  It wasn't their fault.  I know they felt loyalty to their mother.  And I know they (eventually) felt....some positive emotional equivalent for me.  But I struggled.

And then one day, a most obvious but often missed ideology in scripture jumped out at me: there are no stepparents in the Bible.  Not one.

If anyone had the right to use the "not my real dad" argument, it was Jesus.  He was the Son of God (John 20:31)!  But despite not being Joseph's biological son (Matthew 1:19-20), Jesus grew up recognizing Joseph as His earthly father.  Throughout the second chapter of Luke, scriptures are full of the terms such as "the child's father and mother" (vs 33), "Jesus' parents" (vs 41), "his parents" (vs 43, 48), and "Your father and I" (vs 48).  Notice that Joseph is referred to first when both he and Mary are listed.  Joseph was not only accepted by the unsuspecting community as Jesus' father, he was accepted by Jesus Himself as His father.

And it went both ways.  Not only did Jesus consider Joseph His father, Joseph considered Jesus his son.  In Matthew 13:55, the locals of Nazareth ask, "Isn't this the carpenter's son?"  And in Mark 6:3, they say, "Isn't this the carpenter?" In those days, it was customary for the father to teach his trade to his son.  The Bible clearly states that Jesus was known to be a carpenter, just as Joseph was.  Clear evidence that Joseph considered Jesus his son and taught Jesus the family business.

There are no separate designations for biological and step.  No subcategory of "real" and "not real."  The parent who was filling the role was....the parent!  And Jesus other title?  Son of Man (Luke 9:56).

And, from the beginning, this was the plan of the Father Himself.  He hand selected Joseph to oversee the rearing of His only begotten Son.  God knew that Jesus would need an earthly father to raise Him in customs and values as well as in faith and obligations.  God took His most precious Child and placed Him - on purpose - into the life of a man who would never be His biological father, but who would give Him everything He needed in order to grow into the Man God destined Christ to be.

Whoa!!!  Did you get that?

Now I'm not saying I'm as special as Joseph.  My integrity and righteousness is found lacking many days.  And I'm certainly not drawing any parallels between Jesus and any of my seven children.  But I will tell you, this thought process gave me chills.  To think that, despite the tragedy of divorce, God could chose to use me as a blessing to other children was humbling and exhilarating. Instead of seeing myself as a "wanna be real mom," I was able to see myself as someone hand picked to help raise these children.  I might not be the Disney evil stepmother, but they were certainly the innocent victims of the situation.  In that moment, I realized my spiritual role to this blended family.

I want to encourage any of you who find yourself parenting children from someone else's womb/loins:  that's not what makes you a parent.  Just as there are infertile adoptive parents and biologically inept parents, it is the love and care and tenderness that makes you a parent.  It is the holding and scolding that makes you a parent.  It is the intentional placing of you within the family that makes you a parent.  In every sense of the word - you being the parent to ANY child is INTENTIONAL.  You were hand picked!  That means you have a role and a responsibility.  But it also means you have a place in that child's life.   On purpose.

A few years into our marriage, one of the children moved in with us full time.  A year later, he moved back in with his mother.  A year after that, he moved back into our home permanently.  That day was in October 2007.  I'll never forget it because The Lord reaffirmed that He had a purpose for me.  He told me that day, "I have placed this child in your home twice now.  There's a reason I want him living with you.  I hand picked you to be his mom."

There are days being his mom drives me crazy, but no crazier than any of the other kids.  There are days when being his mom makes me so proud I could cry, but no prouder than any of the other kids.  But there is never a day that I don't feel like his "real" mom.  He may not have been born of my flesh, but he has most certainly been born of my heart.