Chastised...

And loving it!

Ever feel God work in you immediately?  Let me tell you about an experience I had a couple years ago.  It meant so much to me, that I think about it often.  This is everything - in order - with my thoughts and God's interventions.

My husband was home, not feeling well for the second day in a row.  I started dinner around 3pm because he was getting hungry and I had the time to do it.  Who doesn't want an early dinner some nights?  Dinner took over an hour to make, but that was okay.  My sister was here and we chatted, passing the time.  She left a few minutes before everything was done.

I served up plates for each of us.  My step son's plate had to go in the microwave because he was at track practice.  It would be a while.  I carried hubby's plate to him and returned to the kitchen to get my plate.  Then my phone rang.  It was the boy's ringtone.  I was not happy.  Internal dialogue (in red from now on):  Are you kidding me?  Of course, I had to answer it.  I tossed my plate down hard enough to show I was irritated but not so hard as to break or spill anything.  "Is Dad coming to get me?"  "No."  "Are you coming to get me?"  "I hadn't planned on it."  "Wellllllll......I kinda need a ride?"  (Hangs head) "OK!"  Hubby immediately said he'd go.  "No! I'll go!"  Why should you eat a cold dinner?  It's not like I'm not used to it!  I'll go!  I always go!  I slightly slammed the door on the way out.  Just in case anyone missed that I was peeved.

I know I have an attitude.  SO what!?!  I'll probably still have it when I get back and the night will be crappy.  And I don't care!  Now you have to realize, I knew I was overreacting, but this happened all the time!  It never failed - I was always having to do something last minute to compensate for schedule changes.  So I had a bad attitude about it.

I got in the car, not happy.  And then I noticed a dove landing on my birdbath in the front yard - which was right next to where the car was parked.  Immediately:  Peace.  Yes, Lord.  I receive peace.  I will adjust this attitude right now.  (Looking back, I think it was a pigeon.  But I needed to see a dove, so that's what I remember.)

Choosing to calm down and let this not be a big deal, I backed out of the drive and turned my radio up.  If you ride with me, you know I listen to Christian radio ALL THE TIME.  (Unless I put in a secular CD of my favorites....)  The DJs were talking about it being Marriage Appreciation Week or something.  A guy had called in and he was talking about how it was hard in the early years, but over time he learned to let the little things go.  He said, "I come home to my wife, not the curtains she picked out."  They then start the next song, "God Gave Me You."  Now, I love this song.  It has great meaning for a lot of people.  But at that moment, I heard the chorus from a different perspective.  I heard it from God's perspective.  What if this was your step son saying this?  What if it was his heart saying these things that he could never express?  I gave you to him!  For the ups and downs.  For the days of doubt.  I gave him the mother he needed, the mother who will love him.  And you need to just be happy being that mother.

Can I tell you that the rest of the ride to pick up my son was great!?!  I have been given this awesome privilege of positively influencing this young man and watching him grow and change and become someone I'm so proud of and here I am complaining about having to pick him up!

I was pleasant when he got in the car and we talked all the way home.  He thanked me for picking him up (Hello?  This wasn't happening a few years ago! Now it's an every day occurrence.)  He told me about his day and things going on.  We had time for just us.  Time his dad normally gets because he's the one that picks him up on his way home from work.

When I got home, I went to get my plate.  My husband, of course, was done eating by now.  That's okay.  He said, "I'm sorry you had to go get him.  I would have gone."  "It's okay.  Easy fix."  I walked away with my plate and my hubby, surprised, asked "What are you doing."  He thinks I'm mad and I'm throwing my dinner away by way of having a tantrum!  Too funny!  "I'm going to go reheat my dinner.  I'll be right back."

When I sat down to eat, I told him, "You know, I wanted to have a bad attitude about having to drive out to get our son. [Insert story and details here]  After all that, I know I am in a special position to show him love.  So I was inconvenienced.  If the biggest problem I have today is having to reheat my dinner, I'm a blessed woman!"

I know a few of you who are inconvenienced a lot because of your lives/kids/families/jobs/etc.  I'm not saying I won't get huffy the next time I have to make a sacrifice for someone else.  But I thought God's perspective on the situation was too awesome to keep to myself.  He was immediately on me about my behavior and my thoughts and not only did He check my attitude, He gave me a new hope, a new goal for loving my son.  Because you see, I inherited my son through marriage to his father.  He came to me as a ten year old boy and I had to learn how to be a step parent almost over night.  My trials and frustrations were many.  And on this ordinary, yet amazing day, The Lord showed me His perspective of my role in this boy's life.  It's not a perspective I ever expect to hear come out of the boy's mouth himself.  But it's enough to know that this is how God sees my role.  I have never been able to listen to that song the same way again.  In my heart, it will always be "our" song - the song of a mother's love for her son.

That was almost exactly two years ago.  I am pleased to say that my son and I are closer now than then.  He is even more polite and impressive, and I'm even more proud of him.  I think a lot of times we get caught up in the daily grind of child rearing that we forget the big picture.  Or we think of the big picture in terms of the future.  On that day, I was shown the big picture of the past:  God is always working in our lives and things that happened years ago might not make sense until we are able to look back on them with His perspective.  I'm so grateful The Lord took a moment to completely reshape my thought process about my daily grind.  Loving this boy - who is now a man - has been one of my greatest adventures and blessings.  And I'd have never realized it if I hadn't gotten upset about walking away from a warm dinner.

Psalm 127:3 - "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward."

They don't have to be from my womb to be my heritage.



If you are a step parent, I know your job is hard.  I KNOW!  It's a constant struggle with unclear boundaries and  lots of new family members and attitudes - yours and theirs!  But it's also full of meeting needs and stepping in and stepping up.  And love.  Lots and lots of love.  There is every emotion in the spectrum - some you experience more often than others.  And not all of them are negative.  If you are a step parent, I want to encourage you to look at your life through the eyes of the child in your care.  Whether their mother is involved or not (in my case, not), you still serve a purpose.  You are a mother too.  You still need to dole out discipline, offer advice, give hugs. You will be the taxi, the cook, the housekeeper, the tutor, the financer and anything else they need when they are in your care.  It doesn't matter if it's full-time or only on weekends.  You are a mother and they need you.  But they are struggling to find their place in your life.  Look at it from their point of view.  Understand that they are struggling with loyalty.  Understand that they are struggling with seeing their dad happy with someone else.  Understand that it takes time to discover the new flow of the home.  But don't ever forget that you are family.  A bigger family; a family with a few more dysfunctions, but an awesome and growing and changing family.

If you are a child with a step parent, I know you're in a tough spot.  I know you have a mom and you don't need her replaced.  (Or maybe a few of you are thinking of your dad.)  But I hope you'll take a moment to think about what it's like from your step parent's point of view.  How they suddenly had a child come into their lives that they didn't necessarily plan for, but they made an effort to include.  How they often found themselves in a situation of having to smooth things over with their spouse behind closed doors because they didn't want their husband/wife to feel like they had to choose sides against the kids.  I want you to try to think back to the times your step parent didn't play favorites, but was fair - no matter who shared DNA with them.  I know you had struggles and emotions and ideas you couldn't put into words; and even if you could, you didn't want to share them.  Just know that your struggle wasn't the only one going on in the home.

And to those of you who had horrific blended family experiences, I don't take away from that.  I know every new spouse doesn't welcome the kids with open arms.  I know there are parents who do play favorites and are cruel to the step children.  I know not every child bonds with the step parent.  I know there are kids who are so traumatized, they are more of a burden than a joy.  If that was your experience, I'm truly sorry.  You have hurts that I can also relate to, but are too deep to console in this format.  But I do not dismiss those hurts. 

The bottom line is this:  we have a role in the family in which we find ourselves.  Just as we don't choose our birth families, we don't choose our step families (unless you are the spouses).  But not choosing doesn't relieve us of our responsibility to fulfill our role.  If you are a step parent, you have a role to raise and love that child just as you would your own flesh and blood.  If you have a step parent, you have a role to respect and obey that parent just as you would your birth parent. 

I haven't always enjoyed my role (as a mother or a step mother), but that doesn't mean I don't have a responsibility to perform it.  I was given a very real and beautiful moment to clearly identify my role in my step son's life.  And for the record, I HATE the word "step" in front of any family word.  I chose early on to acknowledge my husband's kids as MY kids - even the one I'm only 12 years older than.  There are five of them that I inherited.  And they are MINE.  And it breaks my heart when they refer to me as their step mom.  There just has to be a better name for it than that. 

But the point is - it's a heart thing.  I think about that moment in the car, that song on the radio, and the words of The Lord in my heart pretty often.  God gave me a son.  And I do love being his mother.  It doesn't matter how he got here - what matters is that he's here to stay.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

If you're struggling with this - as a parent or a child - please know there is hope.  And there is help.  I am available to speak in private if you ever want to share the struggle.