My Letter to a Girl

Dear Young Lady,

If I could go back to that season in life when you were questioning everything and searching for answers, I would do a better job of building you up.  I would love you better and encourage you in your talents and gifts.  I would push you to push yourself and be someone.  I would tell you how important you are, how valuable.  I would listen to your heart and understand that sometimes you just needed to vent.  And then be held.

If I could go back to that time in our life, knowing then what I know now, I would have so much more wisdom to share with you.  I like to think I'd be brave enough to say it in such a way that you would listen and take it to heart.  Knowing the mistakes you made and the pain you suffered, I hope that I would be easier on you.

So here's my advice.  It's years late and gathered from many trials and tears.  But it's things I wish I had known or been told.  I offer it now in the hopes that some other girl (or guy) will hear what no one else is telling them and be spared your heartache.

1.  Other people's behavior is a reflection of their character, not yours.  Sometimes it feels like a personal attack when someone treats you poorly.  If it happens enough times, you start to believe you deserve it.  You don't!  Remember that sometimes hurting people hurt people and those that are treating you so badly have probably suffered their own personal tragedy.  Pity them, pray for them, but don't put yourself down because of them.  Someone insulting you is actually them speaking their own deepest fears out loud.

2.  It doesn't matter if a person is a stranger or a family member - if they're toxic to your life, you have the right (and the responsibility to yourself) to limit your contact with them.  It's not your job to fix them.  It's not your job to make their life easier while they continue to hurt you.  It's ok to put your safety first.  And sometimes your safety isn't just physical.  It can be emotional, mental, financial, or spiritual.  I had to put distance between myself and a family member for a few years for my own well being.  Once I made that decision, my life got a lot easier without them constantly in it.

3.  When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  We can all have a bad day (even a bad year).  But people are who they are.  Someone might fool you for a little while, but eventually they can't keep up the act any longer.  The mask falls off and they reveal their true heart.  No amount of excuses (yours or theirs) is going to change them.  No amount of forgiveness is going to change them.  No amount of crying, begging, or threatening is going to change them.  Believe who they are and don't stay.  A pile of poop in a pretty box is still a pile of poop.

4.  Don't ignore the red flags.  Sometimes a person isn't toxic.  Sometimes a person is nice.  But if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable with something they say or do, you need to pay attention to that.  Your instinct is there to guide you and keep you from danger.  Danger might be the guy who can't keep a job.  Danger might be the guy who speaks nicely to you, but screams at the waitress.  Danger might be the guy who tells you something you find inappropriate and uncomfortable.  Don't ignore these things.  He's trying to see what you'll put up with.  What "isn't a big deal" now becomes a big deal later.  Trust me.

5.   Sex changes everything.  Sadly, too many girls think that sex equals love.  And it's the line guys use to convince you they care about you.  But the magnitude that physical intimacy has on your life is nearly indescribable.  There is science that shows the chemical bonds created between two people.  But it's more.  It's emotional attachment.  It's offering a part of yourself that should only ever be offered to one person - the same person - forever.  Because once that emotional connection is made, a girl feels that she's found "the one."  It's a form of imprinting - a false sense of believing that this guy is always going to care for you the way you want him to.  And a guy isn't thinking of love.  He's just thinking of sex.  It's an event.  A moment.  And then it's over.  And you feel used and dirty.  Until the next time he "loves" you and you believe him and he again takes what you freely offer.  And when he walks away (and he will)....you are rejected in every way possible.  He hasn't just walked away from your body; he has left your heart, your mind, your soul.  He has walked away from you because you were not what he wanted forever.  And a young girl's heart doesn't realize that until it's too late.  Sex changes everything.  When you are married, and your husband loves your heart and mind and soul...by the time he loves your body, you will know that he truly loves you for you.  And then you become attached in a healthy emotional/physical relationship.  Then you imprint the way you are supposed to.  And it is beautiful.

6.  "The one" will still be "the one" in 3-5 years.  If a man wants you for you, he'll wait.  He'll wait for sex, yes.  But he'll also wait for you to get to know each other.  He'll wait for you to accomplish goals.  He'll wait for you to be ready to move forward.  If you are supposed to be together, he will do whatever it takes to grow the relationship.  And so will you.  Because it can take years to grow up and know what you want.  I learned the hard way that rushing a relationship out of fear of being alone will only leave you alone.  Don't be afraid to give it time.  The more you know about him (and him about you), the better you'll know if he's truly "the one."

7.  Spend time investing in yourself.  Instead of trying to find the person who "completes" you, focus on what will grow you up.  Get your college degree, have a career, travel, take up a hobby or two, live life with some great girl friends.  All of this will have to move down on the priority list after marriage and children.  So don't be in such a rush to settle down.  Enjoy the world around you.  It will make you more well rounded, much more interesting, and it will broaden your circle of prospective suitors.  I really wish I had known this at your age.

8.  Figure out what you're looking for before you meet someone.  The purpose of dating a guy and getting to know him is to find out if he's marriage potential.  Dating is not hooking up.  It shouldn't even be treated as casual.  You're narrowing down what it is you want and need in a life long partner.  So treat it seriously.  Make a list of what you're looking for.  You can tweak it as you mature, but it should include everything important to you:  how he looks, his height, his personality.  But be sure it also includes things like integrity, his ability to keep a job, he education background, his spending habits, his religion, his family background, etc.  You should have some things you're willing to negotiate (you might prefer he not have tattoos, but if he has one and it's not offensive, it might be ok) as well as things you will not negotiate (drug use for instance).  You will have a hard time determining if a man is right for you if you don't even know what you're looking for.  This list will help you ask important questions that will impact any future life you may have with someone.  It might not matter what kind of car he drives, but it will definitely matter if he never wants kids.  Make a list and make it important to you!


9.  Sometimes, no matter how many times you try, the other person just isn't ready.  Whether it's reconciling that toxic relationship, trying to date the guy you have a crush on, or attempting to apologize to someone who won't acknowledge you, you can't force the results you want.  Sometimes you just have to move on.  In some cases, you might have another chance later.  But don't waste your time doing all the work and getting nowhere.  You deserve better.

10.  Sometimes the things that aren't coming together are because there's something better.  I know it's hard to imagine, but sometimes even something good isn't good enough.  Be open to the idea that the job you weren't offered isn't because you weren't qualified; it's because you're over qualified and they want to offer you a promotion.  And even if that something better doesn't happen instantly, there will always be a time when you'll be able to look back and see where all the pieces were lining up in your favor.  You just didn't know it.  So approach life with optimism.

11.  Sometimes the things that aren't coming together are to spare you from things you can't see.  Just as there are better things around the corner, there are worse things around the corner.  You can't always know what one decision might mean for your life. And just like the better, there will be times when you'll look back and realize that the thing you prayed and begged for turned out to be the thing that you are so thankful to have avoided.  So approach life with gratitude.

12.  Two of the greatest phrases you will ever use in life are "Thank you" and "I'm sorry."  It will never matter how successful or happy or rich you are if you cannot freely speak these two sentences.  You need to always appreciate anything you are ever given, no matter how small.  Every gift - whether it was time or money or possessions - cost someone something.  Say thank you.  And you always need to admit when you are wrong and take accountability.  No one is perfect and many fences are mended by being able to humble yourself and apologize.

13.  Find a way to love yourself.   That number on the scale doesn't define you.  The acne on your face will clear up.  Wishing you could wake up and be anyone but yourself is not only tragic, but it implies that you're a mistake.  You're not!  You are smarter than you realize, able to explain things in ways that help people understand things better.  Your quick wit and sarcasm are a part of your charm.  You encourage people and make them feel better when they are hurting.  Your optimism overrides the negativity around you.  The sooner you find the extraordinary things about you, the sooner you will love the person in the mirror.  She's wonderful.  Knowing that won't make you arrogant.  If anything, it will make you more humble.

14.  Don't just believe in God; have a relationship with Him.  Too many times, people take the faith they had as a child and set it aside in adulthood.  Don't be that person!  You have the foundation so build on it.  Take Jesus with you into every aspect of your life.  Consult Him about your decisions and your future.  Seek Him about your friendships and relationships.  And listen to Him when He answers!  That instinct I mentioned is often the Holy Spirit prompting you to pay attention. So much of the things I learned (and am offering here) could have been avoided if I had just invested more time and practice into my relationship with Jesus.  It's not a Sunday thing.  It's not a weakness thing.  It is security in chaos; guidance in the unknown; peace in the fear; joy in the sorrow; healing in the pain; light in the darkness; love in the loneliness.  It is the single greatest thing in my life and I wish I had committed myself to Him years ago.

15.  Never forget you are loved.  Some days it will be harder to believe than others.  Some days are lonely and you'll feel very unlovable.  But it's a lie.  You have a family that loves you.  You have friends that love you.  You have a Savior who loves you.  And I know I don't say it enough, but I love you too.  Very, very much.  And I'm proud of you.  Every day.

16.  Remember to enjoy where you are.  You'll have some perfect moments in your life, but they won't last.  Life is messy and crazy and stressful.  Don't let that weigh you down.  Enjoy the section of the journey you're on right now.  Remember that while the days are long, the years are short.  One day you'll look back and you won't be the 16 year old girl anymore.  You'll be 41 with a divorce under your belt, a fabulous second marriage, an amazing blended family of seven kids, two awesome grandchildren, and a whole lot of advice you wish you could give to the girl you used to be.  This is the moment you have.  There's no going back and future moments aren't promised.  So make the most of it.  Today.

Forever yours,
Love, Me

Is This Really YOUR Journey???

When being told that "your journey is your own" isn't right...

Recently we had company for a big event in our family's life.  People traveled from several states away to be with us to celebrate.  It's usually an eight hour drive.  Expecting our guests in a couple of hours, I called to see where they were.

Me:  "Are you through Jacksonville yet?"
Them:  "We didn't go through Jacksonville."
"You didn't? So are you at least past Tallahassee?"
"We didn't go through Tallahassee.  We got off the interstate and took a highway."
"Ok, so where are you?"
"Somewhere in Georgia."

I'll save you the rest of the conversation and fill you in on the highlights.  Instead of following GPS, they decided to take a random exit to a highway.  They told me they were 20 minutes from the interstate they needed to be on to get to my house.  When they finally passed a sign that told them the next town, I found it on my GPS and informed them that they were not 20 minutes from the interstate - they were an hour from the interstate.  Instead of being 2 hours from my house, they were FOUR hours from my house. So now an 8 hour drive was going to take them ten.  (In reality, it took them twelve.)

There is a movement among some people to use a particular phrase to encourage others not to worry about the life they are living.  It's packaged in pretty words and lovely backgrounds to be shared and posted and repeated at social events.  It sounds deep and mature so it is believed and trusted and given more value than it deserves.  And while I completely understand the surface platitude that "we each have our own life to live and no life is going to look identical to someone else's," I believe there is great damage being done in allowing this "journey" movement to be so quickly and easily accepted.

Have you ever gone down a one way street...the wrong way?  Every city that has a downtown area is made up of numerous one way streets.  It never fails that I end up turning left when I should have turned right.  Thankfully, I've never caused an accident.  And I've learned that if I'd just set my GPS - and follow it! - that I'd make the right (pun intended) turn every time.  Because GPS is designed to lead you in the right direction. And I know mistakes are possible.  Detours, construction, delayed updates to the system all interfere with navigation systems.  But overall, GPS works like it's supposed to. To add insult to injury, I've even turned the wrong way when I've had a passenger telling me exactly where to go.  Against real and technical advice, I've done my own thing - and failed.

So back to my guests.  They had GPS.  In fact, they had three smart phones between them and three people keeping track of the directions.  We had also given them directions, advising them of the exact exit to take. But one person decided to override our advice and the GPS, saying that they knew better.  The driver listened and you know the rest.  We did not lead them wrong.  GPS never would have led them that way. But they thought they knew where they were going.

I'd like to suggest that many "journeys" that some people are on are not some special path set out just for them by destiny, but are instead roads they found themselves on after failing to listen to those who advised them and getting off the GPS set of directions.
              *Failing out of college
              *Getting fired due to behavior
              *Having an affair
              *Pregnancy out of wedlock
              *Drug/Alcohol addiction
              *Some form of "self discovery"
             
This isn't an exhaustive list, but it's a few things I've watched people I know go through and their loved ones pass it off as "just a part of their journey."  Not only is that untrue, it is harmful!  I can't think of one time in my years as a parent that I have hoped the life my child would lead would include any one of those things on that list.  I can't think of any child who writes an elementary paper about "What I want to be when I grown up" and includes any of those things on that list.  Those things are never in anyone's plans because they're not a part of the intended journey!  They become a part of the journey when specific choices are made.

I know what some of you are thinking because my guests said the same thing:  but going off the beaten path is scenic!  It's less crowded!  There's more adventure!  I agree with all of those things.  My son graduated from The Citadel where the unofficial title of the school is "The Road Less Traveled."  Believe me, I understand the benefits to not following the crowd and looking for adventure.  But I'm talking about using the word "adventure" to describe avoidable chaos.  I'm talking about using a phrase to excuse what should be unacceptable behaviors.  I'm talking about people failing to be accountable for their actions because "it's part of their own special journey."

So what happens when you choose to take a left turn - not because it's a chance to do something good, but because you're breaking the rules and being defiant?  Yes, the road is scenic and exciting and fills you with joy.  There is less traffic and fewer people to hassle you about your choices. But at some point reality is going to hit.
             *There are fewer people to hassle you and tell you what to do, but there are also fewer people to help you.  When you start looking around and the only people with you are the ones who made the same poor choice you did, you start to realize you don't have a good support system.  Had my guests needed help on the empty highway of their choice, they may have found themselves stranded for a while - or with the kind of "help" they'd rather not had.
              *With less traffic, there is a decreased necessity of resources.  Deciding you've made a poor choice and wanting help is great, but if there's nowhere to turn, you're in trouble.  How do you get yourself out of the mess you're in without the right assistance?  My guests had to hope they found a gas station out there in the middle of nowhere before they ran out of gas.  Restaurants, hotels, and mechanics are hard to come by when you go off the beaten path.  These are basic necessities of travel and they chose to put themselves in a situation that took them away from those things.
             *Taking a left and traveling into an area that isn't the best one doesn't just affect you.  It will also affect your passengers (a spouse who cheats, a parent who is fired, a teenager with an addiction - they all affect those within the home).  They didn't ask to take this "journey" with you, but they're stuck on it now.  They have no other choice but to ride it out and hope to get back to civilization.  And what about those on the other side?  Those who are waiting for you, expecting you, watching time pass and not knowing where you are or how you're doing?  They are affected too.  They worry and hope and pray and cry and get angry.  Their lives are affected and some of their plans have to be changed because of your selfishness.  My guests gave no concern over the fact that we expected them to travel and arrive at a particular time.  We had a weekend full of events and they had been invited to join us.  But their flippant decision meant we had to rearrange our schedules to accommodate their delay.  And it never occurred to them the discord they caused us as well.
             *With hard work, a lot of time, and maybe even a u-turn, let's say you finally arrive at your destination.  But with all the added time and energy, you're worn out and exhausted. Some people would say, "as long as you arrived, who cares how you got there?"  Is that how you want to travel life?  Worn out and exhausted from constantly correcting preventable poor choices and mistakes?  With a trail of loneliness and bad memories you could have spared yourself?  Our guests missed out on hours of extra time with us because they wanted to do what they wanted to do.

Every life will suffer heartache and loss, tragedy and pain.  But to bring those things upon yourself - an extra dose of heartache and loss - is an entirely new level of tragedy.  My guests traveled a total of twelve hours for an eight hour trip because they made a mistake.  They didn't take the suggestions set out for them to have the best outcome.  In believing they knew better than those who had gone before them, they put themselves at risk.  And worse, even after realizing their mistake, they continued to travel the road deeper and deeper into the unknown.

We are created to crave adventure and seek out new things.  But the journey we are on is one of discovering our purpose and our Creator.  It is not intended to be a journey of self.  A journey of self will only teach you that we are all the same in our hearts - longing to be different, but failing to be so.  However, a journey of seeking after God will show us that we are special and called to use that specialness with others, for others.  By convincing ourselves that our journey is unique, we take away the uniqueness.  People need to know that they are not alone in this life.  They need to know that they are not the only ones to feel a particular way.  Your struggle is important to share with others because others are struggling too.  And most of the time, the hopes and dreams and goals and advice your loved ones have for you is not for themselves - it is their desire to see you live your best life.  Instead of turning your back on them, trust them!

Don't get caught up in the lie that no one can tell you about your journey.  While there is no one else like you, there is so much that those around you have to offer to enrich your life.  And you have so much to offer them!  Taking yourself down your own "journey" is detrimental to everyone. Lean on each other.  Trust each other.  Recognize that what you do and the choices you make matter far after the decision is made.  Live your life walking the road with each other. It will often lead you to a wonderful destination.

Why the Jewish Calendar Matters...

...to believers

The following information was shared on my private social media site last week.  After the response I
received, I decided to formulate it into a blog post. The intention is to educate and challenge believers to dig deeper into Who God is, what He meant, what He expects, and what we as Christ followers need to do next now that we are accountable for what we know.

In years past, I've always enjoyed Holy Week. It is a week full of history and symbolism, reflecting on  Christ's triumphal entry into Jerusalem, His last supper, His mock trial, His scourging, His crucifixion, His death, and ultimately His resurrection.

But my studies have taught me there's more to the story. The Jewish calendar matters. And this year proves it more than ever.

My sister calls Easter "the Christmas of spring." Baskets, eggs, candy, gifts...either no mention of the cross or additions to the cross. Even churches promote these Easter things and call it outreach. It's as if the stark pain and suffering of Christ's death is too harsh and must be sugar coated (LITERALLY!!). We have been convinced that we must let our children have fun rather than teach them their need of a Savior.

Many don't realize the pagan roots of Easter (and Christmas). Did you know Easter comes from the word Ishtar (Ashtarte)? She is called the Queen of Heaven in the book of Jeremiah and worship of her invoked God's anger. "The children gather wood, the fathers light the fire, and the women knead the dough and make cakes to offer to the Queen of Heaven. They pour out drink offerings to other gods to arouse My anger" (verse 7:18). She was worshiped as the goddess of fertility and reproduction. The symbols of fertility and reproduction??? Eggs! Rabbits!

Why do you suppose the two most poignant moments of creation - the Messiah's birth and death - have been blurred and twisted and mocked by the world? Could it be to divert our attention from the Truth? Could it be to deceive unbelievers? Or could it be to confuse the body of Christ?

This information is specifically for my Christian readers. I want to speak directly to your hearts. I want to remind you that Jesus is still Jewish so the Jewish things matter! We focus so much on Christians being an individual group from everyone else that we forget the first Christians were Jews. The biblical, God centered alternative to Easter is Passover. The feasts of the Lord will be celebrated even in the millennium. The enemy wants our attention off the things that matter and the more believers look like unbelievers in our practices, the more people are led astray.

When we stand before God and He says, "You heard that these things grieved me. You knew that they were things of the world, yet you did them anyway. Why?" Facing God and answering those questions is my burden. That's what started my studying of these things so many years ago. I'm not trying to condemn anyone, but educate. There is a responsibility in the knowing. There's a responsibility in the not knowing also, but once you know...you either decide to make changes or you intentionally decide to be like the world. There's no gray area, no justification of "what I mean by it is this" or "well God knows my heart." It doesn't matter what our intentions are. It matters what God thinks and says about the topic. And He wants us to know what He thinks and says about this topic!!!

In the midst of all this discussion about Easter, I wanted to tell you about the wonderful Jewish holiday of Purim. It has baskets and gifts and food; there's charity to the needy and neighborly love. There are even costumes! Purim, the celebration of the story of a real queen, a true queen - Queen Esther.  This year Purim was three days before Easter.  Her are links for more information.
http://m.chabad.org/…/aid/1362/jewish/Purim-How-To-Guide.htm
http://m.wikihow.com/Celebrate-Purim

All last week, I presented the information above about Easter, its origins, and its false ties to Christianity. But there's one final piece of information I want to offer you that I think will blow your mind.

My opening comments said that the Jewish calendar matters and this year proves it more than ever. So I'd like you to look at your calendar. Find a real hard copy, not your phone. On March 25th it should say Good Friday. This day is traditionally accepted as the date of the crucifixion of Christ. Then Sunday, March 27th will say Easter, which is traditionally accepted as the resurrection of Christ. Now turn your calendar to April 23rd. If your calendar is like mine, it says Passover. Biblically this is the date that the angel of death passed over the Jewish homes and the death of every first born occurred in Egypt. It is also biblically the day that Jesus was crucified. The first Passover was a foreshadowing of the second Passover (but that's another post). 

On the Jewish calendar, Passover is always the same date: Nisan 14. The day of the week can vary, but the date is the same. So why is this important?

Are you ready?

Because you can't have the Resurrection one month before the death happens.

Now do you see the problem with celebrating Easter as the resurrection? Besides being rooted in a pagan fertility goddess, the day doesn't align with the timetable of events!

I hold sacred the remembrance of Christ's sacrifice on the cross. I hold dear the price He paid for my sins. I carry the promise of hope in His resurrection. But I do it at the time it actually happened. Jewish tradition does not hold a person's birthday as important. At birth, a baby has accomplished nothing. What the Jewish culture does regard as important is the day a person dies. At that point, there is a life to look back on. This is why there is no exact date of Christ's birth. Outside of being the Messiah, as a Jewish child, His birth was not remarkable. It was His death - and resurrection - that was noteworthy. It is why we know that He died on April 3, 33AD, on the feast of Passover.  We also know He was resurrection on April 5, 33AD, which is Nisan 16, The Feast of Firstfruits.  (But that's for another post as well.)

I'll be celebrating the Savior's life, death, and resurrection in a few weeks. Now that you know, I hope you'll join me in celebrating the Savior appropriately.

.

Blessed Are the Peace....

Makers or Keepers?

In all the chaos of the world, who couldn't use some peace?  With all the "in your face" controversial and confrontational parts of life, calm and quiet is pretty appealing.  The truth is, sometimes peace comes at the cost of expending some energy toward chaos and confrontation.  Does that surprise you?

There's a group of people assigned to do a particular job when countries fall into conflicts or war.  They are known as the Peace Keepers.  They are often a neutral, but armed, military force that moves into an area to enforce a cease fire or other agreement reached by both sides.  They are literally there to keep the peace.  Due to their intimidating presence, it often works.

So what does peace keeping look like in our own lives?  The easiest example to think of is refereeing two or more children/siblings who are arguing.  The neutral party moves in to stop the conflict and ease tensions.   Oftentimes just having the neutral party present is enough to get the arguing children to go their separate ways.

But what is peace keeping really?

In a phrase, peace keeping is just another way of saying, "Don't rock the boat."

We've all been there:  something is said or done that is offensive or unacceptable.  You want to address it, but how?  Do you lay out the facts?  Do you share your emotions?  Will the other person get defensive if you say something?  Maybe it will create an even bigger offense.  So after some quick thoughts, you decide to just let it go, ignore it, pretend it really didn't upset or offend you.  Keep the peace.  Don't rock the boat.

So how'd that work out for ya?

My guess is that this person soon said or did something else that was offensive or unacceptable.  And since you let it go the first time, now it seems silly to bring it up.  It looks like you're keeping score.  And since you let it go the first time, the offender thinks it's ok to continue acting this way.  They have no reason to believe otherwise.  They are going to keep speaking or behaving in a manner unpleasing to you because you are busy keeping the peace.  It's a false peace because it never lasts and nothing is ever resolved.

If you've read any of my previous posts, you know that I have a wonderful son who was brought into my life when I married his father.  You may also recall that this young man was very angry at the world during his preteen years and was not much of a joy to be around.  It was his way or he'd argue.  It was his way or he'd whine.  It was his way or he'd go to his dad to tell him how mean I was to him.  It was his way or he made life miserable.  And at first, we just wanted to show him love through his anger.  He had a lot of legitimate stuff to be angry about.  So we gave him some space to vent his frustrations.  But pretty soon it was clear that he was just getting more comfortable in his ability to run the family with his demands and behavior.  The day his dad told me to "just get along with him" was the day I knew things had to change.  We were starting to remind each other not to step on his toes so we wouldn't start a conflict with him.  The days of "don't rock the boat" had to end because we were taking on water.

If peace keeping wasn't working, what did that leave us?

Have you ever read the scripture verse that says, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God." (Matthew 5:9)  I had read it many times, never giving it much thought.  Until recently, I had always considered it another synonym for peace keepers.  But I was very, very wrong.

Peace makers MAKE peace.  Let that sink in.

Peace makers come into a conflict and confront it.  In order to create a lasting peace, something must change.  That's what a peace maker does.  This isn't to be confused with changing or fixing the person; only an individual can choose to change.  But by creating a change in our own responses to a situation, we can be a catalyst for real change and real peace.

Back to our son.  I had to make a conscious effort to handle things differently.  And believe me when I say, this created even more conflict than before.  Our son was not going to just give up the behavior overnight.  He'd learned that his methods had a payoff - do it long enough and you get what you want because everyone gives in.  No way he was giving up getting his way.  So greater conflict ensued because I was finally making him make peace with us.  Without going into the nitty gritty details, it was messy.  It was exhausting.  It was complicated.  It was painful.  It was worth it.  Pretty soon we had a teenager who was giving us resistance because that's what teenagers do, not because he was trying to run the family.  He was learning that we loved him despite his attitude, so he learned his attitude wasn't necessary to prove if we loved him.  By requiring him to work out his frustrations instead of avoiding all interaction with them, he realized that life could be more than the anger he felt.  I taught him to not only make peace with us, but to make peace with himself.

So when scripture tells us that "Blessed are the peacemakers," it is saying that blessings come from going into the trenches of conflict and getting dirty in the process of peace.  The implication then is that staying inside the boat so it doesn't tip over actually causes more harm and, dare I say, brings with it no blessings, but even more turmoil.

Peace making isn't easy.  It isn't fun.  It isn't comfortable.  It isn't the calling we want on our lives at the time.  But it can be one of the most beautiful and meaningful parts of our testimony.  Why?  Because when there is conflict, people usually know it.  When a marriage is in trouble, when kids are acting out, when friends are at odds with one another, other people see it.  You know you're talking about your trouble to someone.  You're sharing your heartaches and headaches with someone.  I know I was!  So there's always an audience.  When peace keeping is happening, that audience has a front row seat to the continuing chaos.  But when peace making begins to be implemented, that same audience begins to see a change.  As you share the changes taking place in your life, they can see and hear the difference.  They can see and hear the hope and healing taking place.  And they are ministered to through you because they can see what God is doing in your relationships.

And that's the key.  In case you haven't realized it already, the scripture says that peace makers will be called "children of God."  God is all about making peace; lasting peace.  There is no way I could have walked out my circumstances without God beside me, offering me strength and wisdom and hope.  I ran to Him many times looking for fresh ideas and crying in my spirit "This is taking too long!"  But "making" is creating.  It's easy to keep something that already exists, but creating something out of nothing?  THAT takes time.  You cannot do it alone.  You will not walk that difficult road for long if you're walking it alone.  You are a child of God and He wants to help you make peace with whatever is going on in your life.  It doesn't mean it won't hurt.  In fact, I can promise it will.  It doesn't mean it won't be messy, because it usually is.  But making peace is necessary if it's going to lead to lasting peace. 

If you are spending your days walking on eggshells and balancing the oars of a boat going nowhere, I encourage you to go to the Father and ask Him to help you make peace.  Maybe you don't need to make peace with another person, but you need to make peace with yourself, with your past.  That, too, can be difficult and painful.  But it will be so worth it.  Will you trust Him to walk you through the tough times to bring you through to the other side?  He is, after all, the Prince of Peace.

Sticks and Stones...

...sting less than words

There's a great song by Hawk Nelson called "Words."  It describes the different ways words impact us on a daily basis, bringing either pain or hope.  It's a great song that has resonated with so many because we've all been on the receiving end of painful words. And lately I've been pondering words.  Or more specifically, the results of words.  They're funny things - sounds and syllables placed together in a particular order that then have different meanings when strung together in different orders.  Fascinating really, our ability to communicate and share ideas and thoughts and feelings all with our words.  But there's a dark side to all we say.  There's a great divide and deep cuts that come with words that is often ignored and excused.  And that's where I've been in my thoughts lately.

Recently, I've been able to watch several situations come about because of hurtful words.  Someone very close to me has been dealing with bullying on a near daily basis from more than a handful of attackers.  Words about appearance and intellect cut the deepest, although they aren't the only insults.  The ugliness spewed has left nasty scars and serious wounds.  There's nothing to see on the outside, save a dimmer and less frequently seen smile, slumped shoulders, and a failing attempt to "get over it and be okay."  The tears are saved for when no one is looking.  The internal dialogue agreeing with the hateful bullies is almost worse than the original onslaught.  The mental anguish of feeling helpless to change or improve to the standards the bullies have set  leave a new level of failure to measure against.  It breaks my heart, and I'm doing my best to help this beautiful person heal.

The sad truth is, many of these bullies wouldn't believe they are really bullies at all.  They think they're funny or "just playin'!"  Everyone else laughed, so they can't possibly be a bully, right?  There's been no pushing or punching, so no bullying...right?  "Names can never hurt me" chants of childhood ring in their memories so they excuse themselves from the guilt of inflicting unbearable pain.  All the while, a chorus of words plays on repeat in the minds of the victim.  Words of judgment and expectation and failure that continue over and over in a monotonous hum that won't even be drowned out  by crying.

I was also recently a witness to a conversation that took place in the very public eye of social media, the ever popular place of sharing opinions and drawing war lines with those who have differing points of view.  A statement was shared; a concern about that statement was offered; that concern was rebuffed.  In a matter of hours, there was a friendship lost and several others barely hanging on.  All because the words exchanged were thrown about with little care for where they landed.  Slashes were made, blood drawn, and the bandaids offered were not accepted.  It was painful to watch.

Several months ago, I decided to try to keep my focus on the childhood rule - "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."  It's a good rule, keeping my mouth from flippantly tossing insults or gossip or speaking at the expense of others.  I was doing a bible study and was reminded of Matthew 12:36 where Jesus says, "But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken."  That was sobering.  Not only do I need to watch my words of insults and gossip, but I am to include every word that is unnecessary, wasteful, divisive, and self-edifying (empty).  And to make it even worse, those words I've previously uttered (by my mouth or by my hand) have already been written down by the God Who has heard them all.  That was gut wrenching.

We waste too many of our words on things that don't matter.  We talk about the weather and pets and what we had for dinner.  We make sure others know about our dreams and our successes and our accolades, leaving no room for them to share their lives too.  

We waste too many of our words on things that shouldn't matter.  We throw out private and sensitive details of our lives like it's an infomercial - "Comment now for more information!"  We toss our opinions around as if ours is the only one that matters, expecting that another harsh string of words will somehow convert anyone who disagrees with us.  Then we judge those who don't agree with us and are offended at the intolerance!

And we waste too many opportunities to use words that do matter.  We see someone struggling and think "glad it's not me" instead of reaching out to them.  We see someone going through a mess and want to hear all the dirty details instead of offering to help them through it.  We see someone hurting and we pile on more hurt instead of relieving some of the burden.

The bible has a lot to say about words: 

               *The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences. (Proverbs 18:21)
               *A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)
               *For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned. (Matthew 12:37)
                    *It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person. (Matthew 15:11) 

As Christians, it is especially important for us to keep these scriptures close:
               
               *If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless. (James 1:26)
               *Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29)                
               *May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)


The bible tells us that every person will be held accountable for their words.  But I believe that we, as followers of Christ, have a greater responsibility to keep our words pure and loving.  We are to reflect and share the love of Jesus with those around us - how can we show His love when we are failing to be loving?  How can we show His compassion when we fail to be compassionate?  How can we show His forgiveness when we fail to be forgiving?

I have been the target of many insensitive and even hateful words.  I have been "put in my place" and told "where I can go" because I've been different or thought differently.  But I have also been the mastermind behind some insensitive and hateful words.  Sometimes I was misunderstood and taken out of context and not given the opportunity to explain.  Other times, many times, I was intentional in my ugly words.  And to the best of my knowledge, I have attempted to make amends and apologize to those I've injured. But the memory is there.  The scar might fade, but the memory might rear up every now and then and they think, "I remember what you said.  I still remember that hurt me."  For that, I am eternally sorry.  I can't make it any better than I have already tried.

But I can do better.  I can remember that my words matter.  I can remember that my words are meant to be used for good and to show love.  And so are yours!  Take inventory of the way you speak.  Pay attention to the words you say or write or type.  They're finding a target somewhere.  Our aim is usually very good and if we're going to hit someone with what we say, then let it be with something that will make them smile, or feel important, or feel treasured.  

I have a folder of saved things from my husband.  Things he's said or written to me so I can pull them out and read them whenever I want.  And they always make me laugh or smile and just love him even more.  That is the kind of internal dialogue we should be giving people.  Moments to recall when they were complimented or told how special they are to us.  Those playing over and over on a continuous reel do so much more healing than you can imagine. 

"Finally, brothers and sisters, 

whatever is true, whatever is noble, 

whatever is right, whatever is pure, 

whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable

--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--

think about such things." 

(Philippians 4:8)

And when you're done thinking on those things, SPEAK THOSE THINGS!

When Prayer Seems Wrong...

...because it's not life or death

I have a friend who shared a dilemma with me once:  she was dealing with the stress and uncertainly of changing jobs and moving, but a close family member had just learned some very serious, life-threatening news about their unborn baby.  My friend said to me, "I feel guilty praying and asking God to answer my prayers when their prayers are so much more important.  How can I possibly pray about my life when it doesn't even come close to what they're going through?"

Have you ever been there?  Prayed for a raise, or a safe trip, or a great parking space and then realized that some people are praying for healing from disease, for food to put on the table, for comfort as they just lost a loved one...I know I have.  And I have felt terrible about it. 

But what about those things we pray for that, while not life or death situations, are still real struggles for us?  Like "please don't let me lose my job;" "my child is failing in school;" "my husband and I don't agree on going to church;" "my best friend's husband is cheating on her and I don't know what to do."  Those are real struggles! 

There's a sentence we use in my family to describe this human nature - When I have a toothache, I don't care about the children in Africa.  Doesn't that about sum it up?  We know there are problems out there for other people, but we have our own trouble! 

So the question is, are we wrong to pray about our trouble when it's not as important as someone else's trouble?

The Bible says NO! We are not wrong!

         "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6

         "Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you." Psalm 55:22

         "For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayer." 1 Peter 3:12

         "And this is the confidence that we have toward Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." 1 John 5:14

What good news!  Now that doesn't mean that we should take our prayers to Him frivolously (like praying for a good grade when we know we didn't study). And it does mean that He will grant us every wish and desire just because we asked Him.  It does mean that if it's important to us, it's important to Him. 

Remember my friend?  This was my answer to her:

You have two sons.  Let's say that one of them falls off his bike and skins his knee.  He runs to you, crying and hurting.  You scoop him up, kiss his face, wipe his tears.  You get his knee cleaned up and put a bandaid on.  He cuddles with you on the sofa, starting to feel better.  Your other son comes to you and asks you to color with him.  What do you say?  "How could you ask that?  Don't you see your brother hurt himself? How selfish of you!"  No, you smile and say yes.  You know that your other son needs your attention as well and this is a need you can meet.  You know that your one son is not more special because he skinned his knee, and your other son is not less special because he only wants to color.  Both children had a need and they came to their parent to make it better.  That's what we do with God.  We go to him when we are hurting and we go to him when we are not.  He doesn't pick and choose who to love based on the need.  He doesn't tell us "How dare you" when our request isn't as serious as another.  He loves us, as a Father.

God calls Himself our Father.  In that way, He has our best interest in mind, and He wants to hear about our struggles.  He wants us to leave our burdens with Him.  And while His answer may not always be the one we hope for or expect, you can be sure that He cares about the things that are troubling you.

So take your petitions to the Lord with confidence.  He hears you and He loves you.  

Investing...

...in you.....
 

Have you ever wanted something really badly so you decide to save up the money to buy it?  If you're like most people, what you do in the meantime is research.  You read the reviews, find out the exact specs of the item you want, see what the competition is.  Let's say it's a new car:  you do your research, you find the make and model you want, you know the gas mileage, the engine size, the safety features.  But what color do you want?  Cloth or leather?  Sunroof?  Alloy wheels?  Upgrades to the sound system, alarm system, navigation system?  By the time you walk into the dealership, you know EXACTLY what you are looking for.  And you know there may be a couple things you'll have to compromise on like color or alloy wheels.  Or maybe you aren't willing to compromise anything, but you know that you'll have to compromise your time to wait on that exact car to come along (or be made) so you're sure to get everything you want.  But that's okay, because this is a big decision.  A car costs a lot of money and you should get exactly what you're looking for.

How about a house?  Again, the research - neighborhood crime rates, school zones, commute times to work.  You want to know how much comps are from one zip code to the next.  And as you narrow down your desired area, you have to make a list of all the things you want IN your house.  Brick or vinyl?  One story or two?  Carport or garage?  Acreage or lot? How many bathrooms and bedrooms?  Carpet or hardwood?  You want the whole package:  open floor plan with a living room and dining room, den for the kids, finished basement, dedicated office, large master suite, a guest room, a pool, an upgraded kitchen and it all needs to come in $50,000 less than what you're willing to pay.  Okay, maybe that's pushing it, but you know what I mean.  You want exactly what you want and you will look at many, many, MANY houses before you finally realize you need to reevaluate your expectations.  But no matter what, there are some things you will not compromise because this is an enormous decision and you should get exactly what you're looking for.

So.....what about.....your relationship?

How many of you reading this have ever thought about (much less, written down) exactly what you're looking for in a significant other?  How many of you have given any thought about the kind of person you will spend the rest of your life with, outside of the "gorgeous" and "rich" categories?  Maybe you know you like dark hair or light eyes, you like the kind of car he drives or the kind of clothes she wears.  But what about everything else?  Where's your list of haves and have nots?  Perhaps it would look something like this:

       *I'm looking for a person who is kind, funny, compassionate, motivated, educated, silly, giving
       *I'm looking for a person who is tall/short, thin/curvy, athletic/healthy, social/homebody
       *I'm looking for a person who can cook, clean, change the oil, play an instrument, dance, travel
       *I'm looking for a person who does/doesn't smoke, does/doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't have a criminal past, isn't a liar/cheat/deadbeat
       *I'm looking for a person who does/doesn't want kids, wants/doesn't want pets, doesn't live with their parents, pays their bills on time, is financially responsible
       *I'm looking for a person who will love me, listen to me, not abuse me, not play games with me, be loyal and be faithful
       *I'm looking for a person who loves God and has given his/her life to Christ so that we can build a relationship and family on a solid foundation.
       *I'm looking for a person who will pray with me, go to church with me, serve with me, lead me/work with me, study with me and spend a lifetime with me

Anybody have a list like this?  Not exactly like this, but a list of things that YOU are looking for?  Do you even KNOW what you're looking for to be able to make a list?  Why is it we make grocery lists and chore lists, we research colleges, and cars, and houses; but we rarely, if ever, make a list of the most important thing we will ever do in our lives - a picture of the person we will commit to and have children with.

I think the answer lies in the suggestion that we don't first know ourselves.  We don't know what we want, past surface ideas.  We know we want good looking and successful, but after that, we just figure it out as we go.  But as we go, we find ourselves dating people who should have never made it past a first date.  We give time to people long after they deserve to still be in our lives because.....why?  Is it because we think they will change?  Is it because we think we can change them?  Or is it because they change us?  If we don't know what we want, what we're looking for, we will go with whatever comes our way.  We like what they like, we do what they do, we go where they go....because we don't know what else to do.  So the first thing is to know ourselves.  And making that list of what you want will start that process.

As you make a list of what you're looking for, write down everything.  Hair color, job, salary, education level, geographically location - if you could make the perfect mate for yourself, what would they look like?  Character, past, religion, kids, nationality, whatever.  Write it down.  Then go back and put a star next to the things you're willing to compromise:  maybe you don't want a guy with a beard, but you know, if it's the right guy, you could live with it.  Maybe you don't want a girl with tattoos, but if the girl of your dreams had one, you might not mind it after all.  What would be okay to live with?  Then you need to highlight the things you absolutely will not compromise:  she cannot be a shoplifter, he cannot be 35 and living on his parents sofa.  Highlight those things that will matter long after the first few dates.

Remember the example of the car?  Imagine going shopping for a car and you had no idea what you wanted.  You'd be spending a lot of time at the dealership and really be getting on a salesperson's nerves!  You wouldn't know the answers to any of the questions they asked you about what you wanted to drive; you'd have no idea which car was a better fit for your exact needs; you'd have no idea what price range you would need to avoid.  You could easily end up with a used 1992 Toyota or a 2015 Land Rover - neither of which is what the average person needs.  So you go in with your list, you narrow it down, and you have a few to test drive.

That's how this relationship list works.  You now have a list to use to narrow down the dating pool.  Have you ever found yourself dating the same type of person and wonder how that keeps happening?  With this new plan, hopefully that will be the end of that experience.  Because now, you can look at your list and say, "He dropped out of school at 16 and I have a master's degree.  This isn't a good match up for me right now."  Or maybe, "She's dated four of my friends.  She's not a good fit for me."  Right away, you've saved yourself time and energy on someone who isn't what you're looking for.  Let's say you have dated a couple months.  One night you're out to dinner.  Mr. Right has had a bad day and suddenly screams at the waiter, cursing and making a scene.  It's a side to him you've never seen before.  RED FLAG!  That would fall under that abuse thing on the list.  If he's confident enough to act like that in public to a stranger, guess what it's like in private with someone he knows.  Your list just helped remind you that this is NOT what you are looking for.  Before it goes any further, you need to get out. You don't wait until things get worse.  Maybe Ms. Right has decided that since you're too busy to take her out, she'll call up an old friend and have him take her out.  That's a red flag!  You don't want to be with someone who isn't loyal and doesn't respect you.  With your list, you pick up on red flags (big or small) sooner so you can make the choices that are best for you.

And the best thing is - you can change your list!  You can adjust it as you go.  You can decide what to add or remove.  You can decide what to star and what to highlight.  Your maturity and your experiences will always need to be taken into account.  Just like your taste and needs in cars and houses change over time, so do your tastes and needs in a relationship.  What you wanted at 20 might not be what you want at 27.  That's okay!  The important thing is to know what you want.  Know what you will compromise.  Because the things you settle for can easily be the things that don't matter....or they can be the things that end up mattering the most.  Many people compromise the most important things and that's how they end up with the wrong significant other.  And it doesn't mean that they're bad people - it just means that they're wrong for you.

I share this with you from experience.  I had a list as a teenager, and I ignored all the red flags.  I ended up divorced after some bad years.  I have a sister who had to divorce after some very abusive years because she too ignored red flags.  I have a daughter who is divorced because she didn't know what red flags to watch for.  There are many, many variables that make up a relationship.  I'm not trying to say that this method is the cure for all the breakups out there.  I'm simply saying that if you will handle your worth and your future with as much care as you do other big decisions, you can find yourself in a much better position than perhaps you have in the past.

And one last bit of advice:  if those who love you (truly love you and have your best interest at heart) are telling you that your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't the right one for you, listen to them!  They are trying to tell you they've picked up on red flags that you may have missed.  Instead of being defensive, be grateful.  Hear them out, try to see if they have a point.  If they care about you, they won't want to hurt you.  They're trying to protect you.