Crying Over Spilled Milk

...and leaving a sour attitude...

While we both sat in bed reading last night, I readjusted and accidentally made my husband spill his drink (it was tea, not milk by the way) that he'd had propped up next to him.  There hadn't been much in the cup, but it tipped over and left a nice little puddle on the bed with a few ice cubes.  At the same time as I said "I'm sorry" and was rising to go get a towel, he was acting like I'd done it on purpose:  animated, asking me what I thought I was doing, didn't I see his drink....By the time I got a towel, I was near tears.

All I could think about was the FULL glass he'd spilled on the carpet two weeks ago.  Twice.  I hadn't gotten upset.  I just got a towel (twice), soaked it all up (twice), picked up the ice (twice), told him it was no big deal even as he apologized. TWICE.  I kept thinking about how if anyone should be upset about this, it should be me, not him.  And now I am upset, but for a different reason.

He'd really hurt my feelings.  I went downstairs for a while.  I didn't want to be around him.  I was feeling sorry for myself and seeing the injustice of it all - my kindness toward him and his blame toward me.  I didn't need that kind of attitude.

A little while later, I ventured back upstairs.  It was late, and I was going to bed.  In the time that I'd been gone, my husband had fallen asleep.  Good.  So I climbed into bed, turned out the light, and hear, "I'm sorry I snapped at you.  I love you."

Great.

He's going to apologize and that's it?  It's over?  No way!  He hurt my feelings and he thinks one "I'm sorry" and one "I love you" fixes it?

So I stayed quiet.  I got my pillows perfect and my blankets pulled up.  I was comfortable and I was quiet.

And then ever so softly, my heart said, 'He was sincere in his apology.  He didn't mean to snap at you.  You need to speak to him.'

But I wasn't ready to stop being hurt!  I wasn't satisfied with his heart-felt apology!  He didn't act like he appreciated my hurt feelings enough!

And then that little voice again:  "Never once have I withheld My forgiveness from you."

What does God do when we mess up and then we go to Him to apologize?

*Does He wallow in His hurt feelings?  He would have every right.  Our sin separates us from Him.

*Does He play with our hearts, making us feel guilty for our behavior?  He would have every right.  We hurt Him with our sin choices.

*Or does He accept our sincere apology and welcome us into His arms?  He lifts our burden from our heart and pulls us close.

In that moment, I realized I never want God to treat me the way I was treating my husband.  How horrible to imagine going to the Father with a broken heart, with real repentance, and Him telling me, "I'm not ready to stop being hurt.  I'm not satisfied with your apology."  What a moment of hopelessness!  That no matter how sincere I was, that my Father was going to be silent and withhold His affection from me.

I immediately confessed my attitude to The Lord and thanked Him for His insight.  Then I turned to my husband and said all the things that I had on my heart about my hurt feelings.  He shared that he had dozed off and when the cup spilled, he'd been surprised.  His surprise came out sounding angry and blaming when he didn't intend it as such.  I felt better because I understood his reaction, and he also understood my position.  I held him close and told him I loved him.  And the burden of my attitude was lifted.

There are always going to be moments of hurt feelings and injustices.  But we need to extend the same grace to others who hurt us that God extends to us when we hurt Him. Our hearts are fragile and can be easily injured.  And they need soothing and honest efforts made to promote healing.  But when that real effort is made, it is our responsibility to accept it quickly and fully in order to preserve the relationship.  To do anything less is to inflict new injury and new brokenness.


"There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1)
 
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

Replacing "I"

And inserting LORI

Autocorrect is a crazy thing.  When it works correctly, it's a handy tool for editing typing mistakes.  When it doesn't work correctly, it's a cross between comic relief, Freudian slips, and monumental humiliation.

Often when I type the word Lord, autocorrect changes it to my name.  I find myself constantly proofreading - the thought of contributing something to God, but it comes out as my idea is horrible.  Despite being an unintended error, it would also be accidentally blasphemous.

The other day, it occurred to me what a great analogy this is:  often in life, we claim that we are following the Lord, praising the Lord, living for the Lord; when in fact we are replacing Him with "I."  I follow my own interests, I praise my own works, I live for myself.  The secret autocorrect of my mind tells the truth about the secret desires in my heart.  I might say it's about the LORD, but what I'm really doing is making it about LORI.

And then I heard a song on the radio.

I can't remember the song.  Just the line.  I've searched for the song, but this lyric is in a lot of popular Christian songs so I haven't been able to find it.  But it doesn't matter.  What matters is the lyric.

"King of Glory"

I was driving along, not really paying attention to the song.  But then I heard the chorus and a man's voice singing those three little words.  Only what I heard was 

"King of Lori"

Suddenly it was as if the Lord was saying, "I'm your king.  I'm yours.  It's personal."

I admit I got a little choked up at that.

UPDATE:  I heard the song again and made sure to write it down!  It's "This is Amazing Grace" by Phil Wickham. 

And it got me thinking.  What if I added this personal moment to my secret selfishness?  Although I am wrong to focus on me and my desires and my will, the Lord was also showing me that sometimes it's okay to place yourself into the equation.  It's not that I'm to be glorified, but that I need to remember that the One I glorify also takes delight in me.  In me!  Personally!  Even as I am in my unholy moments of selfishness.

I heard once that a pastor liked the KJV of the Bible because it uses the word "hearken" when the speaker wanted to get the reader's attention.  This pastor's name was Ken, and he felt it was God saying, "Hear, Ken.  Don't miss this!"  I think that's a neat way of looking at it.

So many times we take for granted that scripture is living.  We read the black and red words and maybe get a nugget or two.  But we lose the vision that the words are for us.  As individuals.  Those words are personal and intimate and we gloss over them without ever placing ourselves on the pages and in the gaps of the words.

I is such an important letter in our language.  It's used in countless words, but it also makes up its own very important word all by itself.  It is a regal letter, standing tall and important.  And that's how we apply it to ourselves - with pride and purpose and distinction.  But it's a letter that gets us into trouble.  It's a letter that removes the need for anyone else.  It's a letter that leaves us alone and broken.  And so it is a letter than needs to be replaced.  Ensure instead of insure. Love instead of just live.  Bond rather than bind.  Be salt instead of silt. 

But don't forget to insert yourself where necessary.  See your importance not through your own eyes, but through the eyes of the very One who made you.  See yourself through the pages of His creation and His plan for you, rather than through the plans you have for yourself.  By inserting yourself into the story, you become a participant in the promises.  Find your place among the black and red words; hear your name whispered throughout time.

Know that when you replace your pride with God's worth, He becomes your KING!

 

Unicorns and Rhinos

Never Give Up on Your Dreams

This poor sweating Rhino, running her heart out on a treadmill.  She looks with yearning and determination at the poster beside her.  The poster shows a svelte unicorn looking regal and confident.  And the encouraging message this image is meant to offer:  Never give up on your dreams.

I've seen this image several times in my life. Every so often, it makes its way around Facebook, being shared as an inspiration for all.  And while I understand the idea behind the picture, I have a problem with this every time I see it. Actually, I have several problems with it.

1. Our heroine is a rhino (I'm assuming she's meant to be a female.  I'm not sure how many men would be inspired by a male rhino who is in turn inspired by a male unicorn).  She is a heavy girl, but she has decided that needs to change.  She's chosen the image that best represents who she thinks she needs to be and she's going for it.  But by its very definition, a rhino is a large mammal - created to be a particular shape. God didn't make a skinny rhino (or elephant or whale or hippo) for a reason. In the same way, He didn't make large ladybugs, butterflies, or bumble bees. Each is created in perfection. Each is unique and wondrous. Why should a rhino attempt to be anything other than what it was created to be?

2. Let's turn to the perfectly toned unicorn.  She is a lovely thing.  Who wouldn't want to have that physique?  Except that the unicorn doesn't exist.  She's a created image of an animal mistranslated and misrepresented that a portion of the world has accepted as truth.  How similar this is to the distorted images in magazines, where we are conditioned to accept that edited photos are the measuring stick of our value.  That the female rhino believes she must work to obtain a particular body is sad enough. But that she believes she must work to achieve false and impossible perfection is the real tragedy. Add to that the implication that your dreams are forever unattainable - because no matter how hard you try, they'll always be false.  Just a fantasy.

3. The picture implies weight. Big rhino, skinny unicorn, running treadmill - not much to mess up on that analysis.  But I think it's an analogy that fits many situations. We see what others have achieved and want so badly to obtain their lifestyle or attain their status. We think we aren't good enough until we are something else - usually based on someone else's unrealistic standards.  So we sweat and dig deep and tell ourselves to "never give up;" but the reality is that unless we are working on goals that are good for us specifically, we are simply trying to mimic what we think is best.

The truth is, if we are not working on the condition of our hearts, any outer change is obsolete. We may be beautiful, successful, rich, smart, skinny, fashionable, famous, or popular; but if our heart is full of pride, hate, selfishness, bitterness, unforgiveness, or anger, nothing else matters. No dream realized or goal achieved will ever be greater than the person you are in your heart.

Only God can give you your worth.  He deems that you are priceless and valuable.  And His goals and dreams for you may not be the goals and dreams He has for someone else.  That doesn't make you less of a person - it makes you unique.  It makes you...YOU.

God is a Creator of diversity and originality.  There are so many species He's created, creatures are still being discovered.  There's no logic to adapt or evolve into something else when He obviously created everything differently for a reason.

So stop looking to be a unicorn! If you're a rhino, be the best rhino you can be! If you're a turtle, be the best turtle ever! If you're a dragonfly, be the best dragonfly the world has ever known!

There's only one of each of us - we need to remember how amazing that fact is.


*Disclaimer:  I am in no way implying that anyone is an animal.  I'm sticking with the metaphor of the story, not trying to be mystical.  Bottom line - be the best YOU.

Truth?...or Love?

Which one should we be choosing?

Just for fun, let's me give you an example.  I can't possibly be the only person who's ever tried this:  your dog is sitting there, looking at you with those dark puppy dog eyes.  His tail is wagging in anticipation of...anything.  And you start talking to him.  You coo and talk like a baby; you grin and laugh - but your words don't match your tone.  "There's my bad dog!  Oh yes you are!  What a bad dog you are!  Don't you wag your tail, you bad dog!"  Now change it:  you are stern and angry, frowning and pointing - but your words don't match your tone.  "You good boy.  Good boy!  Do you want a treat?  Do you?  What a good boy!"  Do you think the dog reacted to your words or your tone?  Did your dog hear truth?  Or love?

On the surface, it seems like an easy answer to the question "Which one should we be choosing:  truth or love?"  Some will say it's obviously truth we should choose because no one wants to be lied to.  Others will say it's clearly love we need more of because we all need to be more loving toward one another.  There's even scripture to back up each side:  "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32) and "...the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:13).

But it's not that simple.  It's not either/or - it's...and.

Let's apply this to an every day circumstance.  Consider a coworker whose cubicle is next to yours.  He wears too much cologne and it sends you into an asthma attack every morning.  On the other side of you, there's a lady who sings to every song on her radio, breaking your concentration. 

• Truth says to these people, "You reek!  Can't you tone it down so the rest of us don't have to suffer?  And you need to be quiet!  People are trying to work and you're distracting!"

• Love says to these people, "Wow, that's a great cologne.  No, it's not too strong.  Hey, you have a great voice.  I think everyone loves to hear you singing."

Let's apply this logic to raising kids. Imagine your child has been struggling with their grades.  You've found out that they are talking during class and don't always hear the assignments.  You go straight home, ready to have an effective conversation with your child.

• Truth says, "You need to stop talking to your friends!  Are you being lazy?  Can't you do the work?  What's wrong with you???"

• Love says, "Hey now, I know it's fun to talk in class.  But you need to pay attention to the teacher a little.  It would be good to get a couple assignments turned in every once in a while."

Now, let's take this back to scripture.  Think about sermons you've heard or "Christians" you've witnessed.  They often use two different tactics.

• Truth says, "You aren't worthy!  You're on a path to destruction!  You must do exactly what I say or else!"

• Love says, "Of course God loves you!  He wants you to be happy.  You're fine just the way you are.  Just be good and He will bless you."

Anyone else noticing a trend?  Too often, what it thought of as honesty is really an excuse to be tactless, blunt, hurtful, hateful, and a free pass to say what's really on your mind.  Even if there is truth to the words spoken, it's lost in the delivery.

And what is considered a loving approach is actually just a bunch of excuses used to relieve the other person of any accountability for their actions or behaviors.  The words might be spoken kindly, but they aren't doing the other person any good to hear them.
 
Ephesians 4:15 gives us a clear picture how to handle these situations:  "rather, speaking the truth in love...." It is only by putting the two concepts together that we can rightly handle any given situation.

Truth AND love tells the coworker, "I have asthma and your cologne, while nice, is really strong.  It makes me sick every day.  Could you not wear so much?"  "Maybe you don't notice, but when you sing, your voice carries.  It's distracting me from my work.  Could you please not sing so loud?"

Truth AND love tell the child, "I understand you want to talk to your friends, but you are to pay attention in class.  Your grades aren't where they need to be.  I know you're capable of doing better, so I want you to start listening and getting your assignments done on time."

Truth AND love tells the world, "God loves you so much He sent His Son Jesus to die for you when you didn't deserve it.  He accepts you where you are, but loves you too much to leave you that way.  Life won't magically get easier, but it will be full of grace and mercy and love and blessings."

(Truth AND love tells your dog that he's a good boy or he's in trouble.)

Too many times we pick one or the other, truth OR love.  In doing so, we leave out a vital part of the conversation.  I know I don't want to hear what anyone is telling me - even if they're right - if they aren't being compassionate and patient with me.  And while I appreciate a gentle tone and encouragement, if I'm not being told the truth, I really don't get any benefit from the fluff.

We need to realize the impact we are having on those around us when we lead with truth but forget our love.  We are inflicting invisible wounds that will take years to heal.  We are also pushing away any opportunity to build meaningful relationships.  While the old adage "the truth hurts" may be correct, it is also good to remember that "faithful are the wounds of a friend" (Proverbs 27:6).  If you must tell a hurtful truth, it's better received if the friendship is already well established.

We also need to realize the damage we are doing when we offer love without truth.  Whispered lies in a gentle voice with arms wrapped around shoulders can leave just as many invisible wounds.  True love doesn't want to hurt a person by being misleading or coy or passive. We are to "love our neighbor as we love ourselves" (Matthew 22:39).  If we don't want to be spoken to meanly or lied to in a soft voice, perhaps we should be careful not to find ourselves doing those same things to others.

John 13:34 says, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another."  To truly love another, we must love them with truth.  There is no choosing between the two.  They are so intricately intertwined that to separate them means to redefine each of them.  Love is condescending without truth; truth is cold without love.  

Be the person you want others to be to you.

Be the person you want to be.

Be the person God wants you to be, in Christ. 

All Alone

When it feels true 

 

A dear friend of mine reached out to me last week and shared that she was feeling alone.  She felt like she'd prayed but they were "hitting the ceiling" so to speak.  She shared her fears and concerns and I answered her back what was laid on my heart.  But my answer to her wasn't case specific.  I thought maybe it could apply to a lot of people.

Have you ever felt alone in your trouble?  Like no matter how hard, how loud, how heartfelt you prayed/begged/cried to The Lord, you just weren't getting a reply?  I know I have.  It's like picking up the phone and getting the answering machine:  you leave a message and then have to wait until they get back to you.  Meanwhile, you kind of need an answer to your message!

I believe it comes down to a heart issue.  We have to really know....I mean know....who God is and what He says about those alone times. 

 

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'" Hebrews 13:5

 

"Then Jesus came to them and said, 'All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.'" Matthew 28:18-20

 

Feeling alone and being alone are not the same thing. God being silent and God turning away are not the same thing. He promised to never leave you nor forsake you. He promised to be with you always, even to the end of the world.

*Leave - depart, withdraw, retire, pull out, disappear, vacate

*Forsake - abandon, desert, cast aside, renounce, disclaim, discard

*Always - every time, each time, without fail, regularly, habitually, consistently, unfailingly

*To the end - the final part, conclusion, resolution, finish; the furthest or most extreme part of something

That means: God promises not to depart and withdraw while you are in your circumstances. He will not abandon you and discard your worries. BUT He will consistently, without fail be with you, hear you, guide you, heal you. He will walk with you through EACH moment until the moment ends. And then He will keep walking with you through the next moment, and the next, and the next. It is His promise. 

 

I know the feeling of praying and getting no immediate answer.  I know the doubt that creeps in that makes you wonder if He's really out there or if He's preoccupied with someone or something more important.  And I know the truth is that I am heard every single time.  I may not get an answer right away, but I am not alone.  I am not forsaken.  I am not left to my troubles and my fears.  I am always important and always loved.

 

And so are you.

When the Grass is Greener

Staying on your side

There's a popular saying that "The grass is greener on the other side."  It means that your side isn't good enough, will never measure up, and you will always be missing that 'something special' that the other person has clearly found for themselves. It's a nagging reminder of your inferior state of being in the lackluster life you've settled for.  It's also a challenge - to dump the life you have, jump the fence, and get that perfect (blank) you've been eying. 

Maybe it's a career, an education, a fancy car or house; but most often it's a relationship.  It's that greener grass of a younger woman who is willing to have fun and hasn't let herself go after having kids like your wife has.  It's the man who is willing to spend time and money on you instead of being at the office all the time like your husband is.  It's the woman who understands how awful it must be for you as a husband to have a nagging wife who doesn't appreciate you and says she would never treat you that way.  It's the man who smiles at you and notices your new haircut and compliments your outfit after your husband didn't notice.

But then there's another saying: 

 Also worded like this:

This is a nice little counter to the first phrase.  This variation reminds a person that there might be more to the greener grass; there might be some personal responsibility - even accountability - involved.  It sounds like a very practical piece of advice for the daydreamer's dilemma:  Water your grass and your side of the fence will be just as green!

I'd like to disagree.

While I agree that 'watering your grass' is imperative to having greener grass (in keeping with the relationship analogy here), I don't think that's enough.  Here's a personal example:

When we bought our house last summer, we had a beautiful lawn.  And being that we're the second house in the neighborhood, my husband is insistent that we keep it pristine.  Looking good enough isn't good enough.  We have an irrigation system and so we learned how to set the timer and we watered our grass all summer and into the fall.  We matched our neighbors - no greener grass on the other side here!  Once freezing temperatures hit, we winterized our sprinkler system and slowly watched as all the grass turned brown.  Of course, so did our neighbors.  So at least we matched.

Fast forward a rough twelve weeks into Spring.  The grass was green again and even needed to be mowed.  We turned on our watering schedule again and thought we were done.  But then the dandelions popped up.  Dainty little yellow buds that left spots of color all over the backyard, in addition to the lettuce-looking leaves that came with them.  And then a clover patch took over a large square of our front yard.  Little cotton balls of white that just spread with the watering.  To make matters worse, we had two ant hills that had appeared.  Our grass was green, but it was also infested!

Remember my husband who wouldn't take good enough?  He immediately began doing online research and making phone calls for landscaping companies who could solve the problems.  However, upon learning that they wanted $500+ for less than six months of care, he had to look for other solutions.  I got to work pulling weeds. On hands and knees, I pulled dandelions up by the roots, I shoveled stubborn roots out of the dirt, and I hand raked vines of clover out of the yard.  It took a couple hours, and about three times to get it all.  Every week, more would pop up, but it was never as many as had been there before.  My husband went out and bought a high end weed and feed fertilizer and grass seed combination something or other and spread it across the yard.   Although raking clover out by the roots had left a bare patch in the yard, the new grass sprouted quickly and filled in the empty spaces.  He also bought insecticide and covered the yard with that as well.

But a funny thing happened.

As the new grass sprouted, it came in fuller.  But not just fuller; it came in greener.  And not just greener; it came in as an entirely new kind of grass.  Suddenly the yard we were trying to keep looking like the neighbors looked better than the neighbors!  Could it be that we had become the "greener grass on the other side?"

Our grass with the neighbor's in the background

Other side, other neighbor

Let's go back to our analogy:  I said I disagreed with the solution that watering your own grass would make your yard just as green.  I have proof that it takes more than that.  It takes more than the bare minimum to keep up with the neighbors.  It takes more than "good enough" to ensure that your grass stays green.  Oh, you might get green grass, but you're going to get the weeds and the clover and maybe even insects.  So who cares if your grass is green?  Do you enjoy looking at it?  Do you want to go put your feet in it?  Can you trust walking barefoot among the ant hills?  Who says green grass is enough?

You want green grass - it's going to take hard work.  You're going to have to pull the weeds and rake the clover.  Over and over and over until you get it all.  You're going to have to get to the root of the problems whether it's about the kids, the work schedule, the chores, the insults, the heartaches, the letdowns, whatever.  You're going to have to work.

You want green grass - it's going to leave bare places.  Once those roots are pulled up, it's going to leave an empty space that's going to need filled.  You're going to have to fill it with something healthy - something that should have been there all along.  Maybe it will be spending quality time together.  Maybe it will be speaking words of affirmation and love to one another.  Maybe it will be just holding each other tight with no words at all.  You're going to have to fill the bare places.

You want green grass - it's going to cost you.  You're going to have to invest in things you didn't think you'd need.  You're going to have to spend time, money, energy (or all three) to get the results you want.  It might be staying home instead of going out with friends so the two of you have only each other to pay attention to.  It might be having the hard conversations - the deep, gut-wrenching, but healing conversations - that leads to better understanding.  It might be going to counseling to get the kind of help you need but aren't equipped to do yourself.  You're going to have to pay the cost.

Just as I can now compare my yard to my neighbors' yards and see that watering isn't enough, you might need to look at the "greener grass" next to you and realize that what you are coveting isn't really what you need.  In fact, if you looked closely, it may not even be what you want.  Somewhere there are hidden weeds.  Oh, they might have pretty flowers on them, but they're still weeds.  Some of them even have a vine structure that spreads out and contaminates everything around it.  And somewhere there are hidden ant hills or fleas or maybe a mole.  And what you thought was so much better ends up being more trouble than you bargained for.

The saddest thing about looking at what someone else has is that you fail to see what you already possess.  All your yard needs is some TLC and you'd have the yard of your dreams.  You're tempted to believe the lie that comes with looking beyond what is already yours and you think you'll never have to put forth any effort to keep the other grass in it's green condition.  You couldn't be further from the truth - all yards need work.  Work to maintain, work to nurture, work to flourish.  What you see is maintenance; what you want is flourishing. 

Your yard might be in really bad shape right now. You might think the work is too hard.  The bare places are too many.  The cost is too high.  Maybe you think it's a lost cause.  I can assure you that if you think repairing your yard is too much, acquiring a different yard will not be any better.  The work may be different, but you will still have work to do.  The bare places may be fewer, but they will need filled nonetheless.  The cost may seem lower, but in the end, it will really take everything you're worth - and then some.

Reconsider.  Re-evaluate.  Reseed!

And if all that fails, there's still hope!

You can always re-sod!

Longing For Love...

...withholding respect...

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior." Ephesians 5:22-23

I'm sure you've all heard this scripture.  Don't run away just yet!  I'm hoping this post means as much to you as it did to me when I first learned a little more behind the verses. (And by personal disclaimer, I do realize that not all wives and husbands fit the "mold."  But I'm hoping to share the ideal that God intended.  I have no desire to stir up painful wounds or create conflict with your own personal experience.)

I know so many women who have cringed at this scripture (if not outright hated it!) every time it's taught.  I know women who dig their heels in because they feel they've earned the right to be equal to a man with the whole women's liberation thing.  I know women who've been the victim of emotional and verbal abuse as this scripture has been lorded over them by pious, religious husbands.  I know women who have felt subservient because they don't ever get the full teaching of the remainder of the verses (I'll get to those).

Some versions use the word "respect," but many women are familiar with the negative connotation of submission; therefore, I'm focusing on that right now.  So first I want to tell you what "submit" means.  While an internet search will yield many definitions, I happened to like this one the most.  I've highlighted the important words or phrases in red.

sub·mit  (səb-mĭt′)

v. sub·mit·ted, sub·mit·ting, sub·mits

v.tr.

1. To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.

2. To subject to a condition or process.

3. To commit (something) to the consideration or judgment of another. See Synonyms at propose.

4. To offer as a proposition or contention: I submit that the terms are entirely unreasonable.

v.intr.

1. To give in to the authority, power, or desires of another. See Synonyms at yield.

2. To allow oneself to be subjected to something.

Those last two are pretty important keys to understanding all this.  It's the voluntary giving in to someone else. You get to decide that you're laying your destiny in the hands of your husband.  And while you're commanded to by God, you can also choose not to.  More on that later.

So we see that wives are to voluntarily surrender their power and desires into the hands of their husbands and allow him to consider the outcomes that will affect them both.  But what is the husband supposed to do?

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word." Ephesians 25-26

I don't think we need a definition of love.  We all know what it means, what it should look like, what we long for it to look like in our own lives.  But I want you to see the continued command that a husband is to make his wife holy, through the Word of God.  He's supposed to be lifting her up, leading her, giving her a safe place to rest, protecting her heart and her dreams, ensuring that she is provided for in every need, and even forsaking himself in order to preserve her if it comes to that.

Remember I said that you are commanded to submit, but that you have to decide to voluntarily give up your own will to your husband?  How easy would it be to give up your own authority if you knew - could see by your husband's very actions - that he was truly leading you to Christ with every part of his life?  Now, how hard would it be to voluntarily give up your own authority if you knew - could see by your husband's very actions - that he only cared about himself and had no desire to make the right choices for you?  Pretty easy decision, right?

Let me throw a twist in here.

About a year ago, my ladies Bible group did a short six week study through a book titled "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn.  Skimming through the intro, I didn't really think I'd get any new revelations.  I mean, I've heard it all based on the chapter subjects.  But it was a great group of ladies and everyone needs Bible study time with a great group of ladies.  

Well count me floored when chapter one immediately rocked my world.

The background to this book is that Shaunti loves research.  So she took her love and paired it with a survey she gave to hundreds of men - some saved, some not saved, young, old, married, single - and wrote the book based on the results of her findings.  While she wrote it from a Christian perspective, the questions are about life and relationships in general and not from a Biblical world view.

Here's what Shaunti has to say about Ephesians Chapter 5 (pages 26-27): 

              "Notice that one of the main Biblical passages on marriage...never tells the wife to love her husband, and it never tells the husband to respect his wife (presumably because we each already tend to give what we want to receive).  Instead, over and over, it urges the husband to love his wife and urges the wife to respect her husband and his leadership.  Women often tend to want to control things, which, unfortunately, men tend to interpret as disrespect and distrust (which, if we're honest with ourselves, it sometimes is).  Marriage is about putting the other person's needs above your own (he's required to do that too, remember), and it does tremendous things for your man to know that you are choosing to trust and honor him.  And that reveals the most important aspect of demonstrating respect:  It is a choice.  A choice that we make out of reverence for God and love for our husbands."

This statement was interesting to me because it makes total sense:  wives don't need to be told to love their husbands - we do automatically!  We long for, desire, crave, and are all encompassing of the duty to love the man beside us.  And men tend to give respect universally.  It would seem odd to them to be instructed to do what comes naturally.  Additionally, Shaunti points out what I've been saying - It's a choice!!!  A voluntary act done out of of our feminine love for our God and our spouse.

Now for the real eye opener (page 26):

              "'We've become such a love-dominated culture,' Dr. Eggerichs says, 'Like the Beatles said, "All you need is love." So we've come to think that love should be unconditional, but respect must be earned.   Instead, what men need is unconditional respect - to be respected for who they are [i.e. our husbands], apart from how they do.'  Just as you want the man in your life to love you unconditionally, even when you're not particularly loveable, your man needs you to demonstrate your respect for him regardless of whether he's meeting your expectations at the moment."

Whoa!  Did you catch that?!?!

Think back for just a moment.  Think of a time you've been exhausted, in pain, irritated, overwhelmed, late, whatever and you've had an attitude because of it.  And then, when you've interacted with your husband (or kids, but the focus is husbands right now), he got the brunt of your sharp tongue, harsh tone, or cold shoulder.  Now, has he ever in one of those moments, drawn you a bath?  Rubbed your back?  Ordered pizza so you didn't have to cook?  Hugged you without words?  Whispered "I love you" or told you "Everything will be okay"?  That was him loving you even though you were wayyyyyy beyond loveable at that moment.   

Can you imagine your life if every time you had a bad day or a bad attitude your husband said, "I don't love you right now!"  I'd be devastated!  I'd be heartbroken and lost.  It would be a pain like no other if my husband withheld his love because of my bad choice.

Now think back to a time when your husband made a decision for the family that didn't turn out so well.  He took a job that didn't pan out.  He bought a lemon used car.  He booked a cross country flight for your family vacation to take off at 11:30pm to save $100.  He made a large purchase without discussing it with you.  He invited his mother to move in with you.  He promised your son that he could graduate from the same high school he started, even if it meant being stuck in a dead-end job for four years. (Not all of these were done by my husband!)  How did you handle that bad decision?  Did you remind him of it every time you argued?  Did you tease him?  Did you mock him in front of others, to your mother, to his mother? Did you tell him he was stupid?  Did you tell him that you'd make the decisions from now on?  Or did you hug him and tell him you still trusted him?  Explain that everyone makes mistakes and that you would all be okay?  Did you show him that he was still your hero and best friend even if he wasn't being the best leader in that one moment?   

You see, your respect is love to him!  By withholding your respect from him "because he doesn't deserve it," you've created the "I don't love you right now" moment.  You've crippled him!  He's already feeling like a failure and the one person he holds most dear just added insults to his wounded heart.

Ladies, let me be clear:  I know there are a lot of men out there who don't get it.  They want to dominate instead of lead and they aren't respectable - ever.  But I think a lot of women don't understand that by submitting to our husbands' authority, we are in fact creating in them a better leader.  A leader who will desire to be found respectable.  I think that's why the verse about the wives was listed first:  if we will do our part, the husbands will follow.  A man who feels respected will show sacrificial love (even when it isn't deserved).  And a woman who feels loved will show great respect (even when it isn't deserved).  Because most of the time, the two of you will be getting it right and it will be deserved and the cycle will keep repeating.

Men (assuming any of you read this), let me be clear:  I know there are a lot of women who don't get it.  They think you have to earn respect while you love them on their worst day because "that's the way it is."  But I think men struggle with what love looks like.  You know what respect is in your world, but a woman's need for love is her universe.  Without your love - the love she needs, not the love you think she needs - she is just a housekeeper, a secretary, a cook, a baby-maker, and a soft body for you to hold once in a while.  She wants to be your everything!  And the way you love her will make or break that.  I recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" if you'd like to really figure out what your wife (or husband) needs to feel loved (respected).

I'd like to leave you with a final word from Shaunti.  In her research she found that "the Greek word translated as 'respect' in Ephesians, phobeo, means to be in awe of, to revere.  It's not just a matter of bland regard.  We are supposed to be highly valuing our men!" (page 27)  This awe and reverence is to balance and rival our desire for the happily ever after kind of love we wives are longing for.  And while the fairy tale romance may not exist, the true love of a man and a woman completely devoted to the well-being of one another as they strive to become more holy and Christ-like is exactly what can happen when both of you are committed to one another as God commanded.  It's not a sacrifice as much as it is a privilege. 

Ladies, love your husband as the gift he is by respecting him even in the moments of doubt and disappointment.  Be worthy of the love he gives you even in your unworthy moments.

Men, respect the wife of your youth by loving her as Christ loved His own Bride, the Church.  Be worthy of the respect she offers you even in your moments of defeat.

The Art of Reconciliation

Methods and Meanings

I'm a talker.  Anyone who doesn't know that about me either hasn't spent any time with me or is a talker themselves (and I can't get a word in!).  When it comes to struggles in my relationships, I'm a talker-outter.  I don't need to rehash every moment and replay every word, but I do want my side understood and I want to hear the other person's heart so I can understand them.  However, I don't always get the luxury of talking through a situation.  It is those circumstances that I find I have the most trouble reconciling within myself because I feel there's been no closure.

Recently, I was faced with several different variations of this situation.  In one instance, I was able to have a real heart to heart conversation and clear up misunderstandings on both sides.  It resulted in an even closer relationship.  It is also my ideal preference when things like this happen.

A second relationship that had suffered some setbacks is on the mend because each of us took the time to give a simple "I should have tried harder" explanation.  It in no way dissected the ins and outs of the hurt, but by both of us acknowledging our part, we were able to move forward.

A third relationship has caused me much continued heartache because the other person wants to live as if nothing happened; therefore, they interact with me as if there is nothing to discuss.  This is the worst kind of corner for me to be in because I can't grow in a relationship that is so obviously being stunted.  The "ostrich head in the sand" method just isn't working for me.  So despite the aggravation at wanting to have a conversation, needing to clear up the past, I'm stuck putting on a happy face and playing the game of pretend against my will.

But here is where The Lords has been ministering to me.  He's reminded me that He Himself has two standards of reconciliation.  The first is the standard of repentance of sin:  "But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins." 1 John 1:9  This is the foundation of being reconciled back to the Father.  As we face repentance, we are given the opportunity to talk it out with Him; to rehash all the details of our sins and shortcomings so that He can provide us with His point of view - Jesus Christ.  It is also the foundation of reconciling a believer who has sinned against another believer:  "If another brother [member of the church] sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If he [the member] listens to you, you have regained that one." Matthew 18:15 Again, it is a moment to have an open discussion about the past so that, with forgiveness, the relationship can be restored and move forward.  So sins that need to be forgiven are the first standard of forgiveness.

But what if there was no explicit sin?  What if it was just one person's decision that hurt another person?  What if one of the people involved isn't a believer?  What then?  That's when the other standard of reconciliation comes into play:  "Make allowance for each others' faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." Colossians 3:13 In this, The Lord has given us direction for those moments when we are not awarded the conversations to clear the air.  He has provided the answer and the answer is to forgive - even without the opportunity to talk it out as I so long to do.  It doesn't matter that I haven't been able to be understood or hear the other side.  It only matters that I respond with love and forgiveness - the same way my Father has responded to me.

In each situation, I had forgiven the other person long before the moment of interaction came about.  And I had also repented of my part in the situation.  And while I'd still prefer to have a chance to discuss details with that third person, I no longer feel that I'm in limbo.  Until they are willing to have that conversation, there is not a lot of room for a deeper relationship.  But now that I have found peace in forgiving them, I am able to put a genuine smile on my face and interact with them in love, as I should.  

Desire and Loneliness

My husband and my God...

Early in our relationship, my husband once told me "I missed you."  I was confused because we'd been together every day for months as we dated and got to know one another.  I asked him, "When?"  His answer changed my heart forever - "Before I met you."  So a part of our friendship has always been to share with the other when we feel that life has gotten too busy and we haven't quite connected like we've needed to.  We slow down, regroup, and strengthen our bond.

When we moved, my husband's new job required that he work 2nd shift.  Years ago he worked this same shift and it was not a good fit for our family.  Now, despite the same scheduling conflicts to family time, it is a much better arrangement for us.  But it's not without its difficulties.

Lately I've found myself telling my husband more and more often "I miss you" and "I'm lonely."  Especially the lonely part.  I've got more time to myself since moving here.  I don't have the evening ladies' group or the lunch with a girlfriend like I used to.  The family dinners are reserved for weekends only.  I have a routine, but it's one of solitude.  And I'm lonely.

One day, I was in the car listening to the radio.  A song came on that I'd heard several times before.  But this time I heard one of the verses as if for the first time.

"Keep Making Me" by Sidewalk Prophets
            Make me lonely, so I can be Yours
            ‘Til I want no one, more than You, Lord
            ‘Cause in the darkness I know You will hold me
            Make me lonely

In that moment, I was stunned into silence as I pondered the implications of those words. In my mind, I know I need to seek The Lord and find comfort in Him, but in my heart I was looking to my husband to comfort me.  I know in my mind, I need to maintain my connection with God, but in my heart all I wanted was a connection with my husband.

In fact, I was reminded of scripture in Genesis 3:16b:  "your desire will be for your husband."  It was said to Eve when God was explaining the consequences of their sin in the Garden of Eden.  This phrase was actually a part of the curse of sin - a literal sentence of punishment.  The desire of a wife for her husband would be so strong that it would consume her, emotionally devastate her if it was unfulfilled, and take her focus off of her Creator.

Here I had been pining away for my husband's time, attention and affection; but what I really needed was to turn to my Father, who is the only one who can fulfill my desires and complete me when I feel I'm missing a piece of my life.  I realized that it was not only necessary for me to feel loneliness, but it was a gift.   It was a real reminder of the distance I'd allowed to creep in, separating me from my relationship with Him.  Because when I am distant from Him, I am not capable of functioning at my fullest potential.

I know a lot of women who are lonely in their marriages.  I know there are many, many reasons for that, not all of them within the control of those women.  But I would submit to you that if you will seek to fill your heart's hole with the Holy Father's affection, there will be healing.  It may not appear in the manner in which you expect - it may not repair or improve your marriage, but it will improve your relationship with your Lord.  And an improved relationship with Him, will always improve YOU.

I encourage you to listen to the full song (with lyrics) in the link above.  Make it a prayer to the Father if you find yourself in the words.  Understand that what you are feeling is a call to return to your first and greatest Love.  Acknowledge that you are in need and He will give you what you lack.  Give thanks that in His mercy, He has provided a longing within you that only He can satisfy.

Father, don't be done with me yet. 

Lord, please keep making me!

Separation

When life gets in the way

In November of 2012, my husband moved 500 miles away to start a new job.  I remained behind to oversee the selling of our home and the subsequent pack out.  Although praying for a quick turn around, we expected it to take time.  It took five months.

During that time, I made trips back and forth, visiting him at least once a month.  I'd stay for 4-7 days.  He never had the time to travel to see us.  We talked on the phone every morning and every night.  We texted.  We emailed.  We left notes on Facebook.  We never Skype'd (I'd cancelled internet) or FaceTime'd (I hadn't upgraded my iPhone yet). 

The first few days were hard.  Then it got easier.  My first drive up was two weeks later, and it was like he'd been on a business trip.  We each got into a routine in our daily lives.  It wasn't like we didn't think about each other.  It's just that without us being a part of that daily routine, we just moved separately.

It was a separation. 

I would tell people we were separated - and then had to follow that up with an explanation.  My husband told me to start calling it a "geographical separation."  But it was really an emotional separation.

You see, I was going about my business:  kids, groceries, laundry, errands, movers, realtors, packing, driving up for a few days, visiting, eating out, driving home, unpacking, packing the house, garage sales, church, lunch with friends, phones calls, bills, driving up for a few days, groceries, kids, appointments, buyers, carpet installers, movers, family....

He was going about his business:  work, sleep, eat, work, sleep, eat, work, sleep, eat...

He was lonely and I was busy.  I was lonely and he wasn't busy enough. 

At about the three month mark, I was visiting and my husband says to me, "I don't feel like our relationship is the same.  Are we ever going to get that back?"  At the time, I told him, "Of course it's the same!"  But I felt it too.  We had lost the friendship in our marriage.  We had slipped into the stress of the situation and it was making us - married.

Now I love being married.  I love the commitment and the honor and the dedication to one man.  But I wasn't enjoying the business arrangement my marriage had become.  I was constantly putting out fires and filling him in on problems.  He was always trying to keep up and offer solutions.  I was upset at his inability to help me from so far away; and I was even more upset at his offer of solutions, as if I couldn't take care of it myself.  Usually, I'd already taken care of it and his advice just got on my nerves.  My marriage had begun to feel like it had restrictions and requirements attached to it.  And it was not fun.

My visits had turned into us trying to avoid life conversations and making attempts at just being together.  But we both failed and we'd usually end up discussing the very stresses we'd promised to ignore.  When our house finally sold in April 2013, we breathed a sigh of relief because we knew we could get our lives back on track, regaining our previous joyous relationship.

It didn't quite happen that way.  We didn't have any major problems arise.  We bought a new house, got moved, settled, adjusted.  But our friendship was still missing.  My husband, having been alone for five months, wanted to jump in with both feet and be involved in everything.  (He hadn't been previously, I handled the household even before the move.)  I, having been on my own with the kids for five months, had done double duty and had a hard time finding a balance now that I had him to help me with the daily routine again.  We bumped shoulders and bumped heads.  We spent time talking with great passion and times not talking at all.  So much had revolved around the move for so long that when the move was over, we didn't know how to regroup. 

And then one day we started to see each other.  Really take notice of one another.  Remember the little things, like back rubs and inside jokes and favorite TV shows.  We worked on laughing and holding hands and just enjoying the other's company.  We stopped looking at what needed to be done and took notice of what needed to be undone.

You know, we do this with God.  We are close to Him and active in our relationship and then something happens.  We get busy or distracted or things are going well.  We start focusing on the daily routine and begin to ignore the relationship. That intimate friendship, that steadfast loyalty and dependability has waned.  We feel lonely and ache for the memories of those closer times, but we aren't sure how to get that back. 

We've become separated.

But God is not like our spouse in that He has not changed with us.  He has not become distracted and distant as we have.  He has remained strong and faithful.  He has not become so busy with life that He is unsure of our needs and desires.  Our God waits for us to say, "I don't feel like our relationship is the same."  And He says, "I am the same!  I have waited for you!  Come to Me!"

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I were laughing.  Really outright snorting, can't-breath-because-I'm-laughing-so-hard laughing.  Okay, that was me.  He was laughing at me laughing.  But in that moment, after I caught my breath, I said, "Do you feel it? We're back."

It didn't happen all at once.  It didn't suddenly stop being stressful or busy or complicated.  What did happen all at once was that we both noticed something was missing.  We both noticed that we wanted it back.  And we both worked on it.  It wasn't an every day exercise in reconnecting, but it was an every day exercise in becoming friends again.  It took seven months for me to notice that my best friend had returned to my marriage (and his best friend to his marriage).  I know it happened before then, but that's the day we noticed.  I remember that day.  It was a good day.

My friend, if you are separated from God, that distance can be bridged.  Just as my husband and I were instantaneously under the same roof, you too, can be instantaneously reconnected with the Father.  But just as it took us time to feel that connection, to see it in our every day lives, it will also take you time to feel that you are fully intimately connected again. 

Awesome relationships take work.  I don't think that it always takes hard work, but an effort must be made.  And of all the relationships in the world, the two at the top of your list should be that between you and The Lord and you and your spouse.  There is no greater joy than the love of both of them.