It's not all rose colored glasses
With distance and healing and practice, I am now able to see the difference between those who harm and those who help. I have also learned that I am not responsible for someone’s toxicity any more than I am responsible for another’s thoughtfulness. Others are who they are - may we learn to see them that way.
...it's a real place.
My daughter and I were talking about fears we have. I said the fear of not being able to escape - if you don’t, you’ll die. Then I said “Or the fear that you get out, but there’s still someone else trapped.”
And instantly I had an analogy.
Because this is the world we live in. Some of us have escaped circumstances while others remain. Some of us are no longer trapped by abuses or financial lack while others still struggle.
But that’s not the analogy that hit me. What I instantly thought of is hell.
There are those of us who heard, read, and understand our need for a savior because of our sins. And while we have escaped eternal suffering, we are surrounded by countless others who are still headed for disaster.
We who were once trapped have escaped. But there are still people trapped. Why doesn’t that bother us more? Why doesn’t that motivate us more.
If a house is burning with people inside, shouldn’t every effort be made to save them? Even if we risk other human life to save theirs? This is exactly the picture we should have in mind.
Hell is a real place. There will be no escape. Those who have been shown the way out need to be showing others the way out. No one should be left to burn.
It's how we're created!
We crave perfection. The perfect outfit, the perfect grades, the perfect painting, the perfect house, the perfect lawn. We crave it because it’s how we were created to be - originally perfect. Perfect in our speech. Perfect in our treatment of others. Perfect in how we behave. Perfect in how we think about ourselves. And perfect in our relationship with the One who created us.
But it doesn’t stop us from craving perfection, which in and of itself isn’t a bad thing. You just need to keep in mind where that craving comes from. Rather than look for perfection in areas that can never truly be perfect this side of heaven, we need to be looking for perfection in the only One who can be perfect; the One Whose only goal for us is to make us more like Him.
But there is love
I have lost track of the number of people who have stopped talking to me over my life. Friends, family members - both believers and unbelievers. Whether it’s from shame, embarrassment, maybe it’s fear of judgment. I don’t know. Most of the time I’ve never been given the opportunity to ask why I’ve been rejected and ignored after loving them. The Bible says “there is no condemnation in Christ.” As a follower of Him, there’s an element of that verse that applies to me too. It is not my job to condemn or shame or berate or in anyway make another person feel less than simply because we don’t agree on any given topic or choice. It is my job to love. The truth is that sometimes love includes correction and correction can be uncomfortable. Sometimes hearing hard truths can feel like judgment. But I think if people who have so easily been able to ignore me would search their memories and reflect on all the times that I listened or advised or helped, maybe they would see that my motive has always been love. My heart has never been to be estranged from anyone that I’ve loved.
More than chocolate!
The marketing team at the Mars Corporation was genius when it came up with this slogan.
When hungry (who are we kidding, we’re hangry), this little bar provides instant relief. A little protein, a lot of sweetness - it fills both your mouth and your belly. It comes in sizes easy to carry or to share with others. And every time you have one, you remember how good it is. It “satisfies.” But if you don’t open it, none of those things happen. You stay hungry, unfilled. It doesn’t matter that you have it in your possession because it’s intended use isn’t realized until it’s been opened.
Psalm 119:103 says “How sweet are Your words to my taste! Yes, sweeter than honey to my mouth!” God’s words are His scriptures. Filled with wisdom and guidance and correction and love and forgiveness and mercy and grace and blessing and compassion and comfort and hope. His words fill our minds and hearts with joy and peace. Our hungry souls are fed and satisfied. We can gain this for ourselves and share it with others. And you’re reminded of how very good He is. HE satisfies. But if you don’t open His Word, none of those things happen. We remain in need, starving and empty. Holding the closed book close to us does nothing with the goodness inside. Its purpose is left undone. We suffer for it. Those around us suffer for it. What a simple, yet powerful, image of what many of us do daily/weekly/monthly/yearly. Living unsatisfied lives because we do not open the very thing that gives us Life.
And still struggling
Do you ever just find yourself in a season of “what’s wrong with me?” When you think you’re doing all the right things and yet there’s no success? I feel like my season has been extra long. The daylight’s saving time of extra - but in darkness instead of light. The efforts feel wasted with no product to show for them. I’m sowing in good soil, I’m just not seeing fruit. I’ve always laughed at my black thumb when it comes to plants. I’ve often said I’m a hospice to anything potted. I’ll do all I know to do, but in the end, my good intentions still fail, and I’m left with a pitiful, dead mess. Even if I change the types of plants, don’t overdo the sunshine or water, it doesn’t make a difference. Only now I’m catching myself drawing a parallel between my failures at plant keeping and my failures at sowing things around me. Good soil, good intentions, still failure. Why is that? What’s wrong with me?
🥀Am I too much?
🥀Not enough?
🥀Too loud?
🥀Too cautious?
🥀Too old?
🥀Too young?
🥀Too available?
🥀Too easily forgotten?
My pain is caught in that last one. Do I leave a room and it’s as if I was never in it? Or do I leave a room and they breathe a sign of relief? I’m not sure which is worse. They both would leave a deep wound.
🪴People are busy.
🪴They have different interests.
🪴They are in their own season.
🪴Their needs are already being met.
But my soul searching simply brings me to the same conclusion: I’m the common denominator. Trying different things with different circles brings the same results. So what’s wrong with me? I don’t have any answers. I wish I did. Suggestions and advice on what I’m doing to sabotage every effort would be helpful. But I lack that too. And many will be quick to say “there’s nothing wrong with you!” But I can’t believe that. I should be drawing something good to me, even if it’s small. If I repel everything, that’s a problem. There’s a hard truth here somewhere. Someone holds the key. I’d like to unlock the secret so I can make the necessary changes to whatever is wrong. It’s a strange place to be in: wanting to do better, but not knowing what to adjust. I’m sure I’m not alone. I’m sure others shed tears in private, questioning their worth and likability. Ironically, we’re not often finding one another, despite our ability to understand and build each other up. Or perhaps we do find each other and don’t know it. Maybe we’re too good at hiding the loneliness and insecurity so we don’t recognize one another.
☀️ And there’s the ray of light in this moment: that in my vulnerability, I will speak to someone else in their extra long season of (fill in the blank) and show them I’m here. That despite my own doubts and failures, I’ll raise my hand so you can find me. So that I can reach for your hand and offer a quiet hug of understanding and whisper “there’s nothing wrong with us; but if there is, let’s help each other fix it.”
...and not seeing any...
Have you ever been in a situation that seemed over your head? No matter what solutions you tried, you simply couldn't make the circumstances better (or go away). And when you asked for help, it appeared no one cared and just wanted you to figure it out for yourself? What if who you were asking for help was...God? And He didn't seem to be answering?
Several years ago, as a young adult fresh out of high school, one of our daughters had a stalker. He would drive by our house, he'd call her phone and send texts, he's show up in places he shouldn't have known she would be. The police said that without an incident or a restraining order, there was nothing they could do.
One of the stalker's favorite things was to show up at her job and simply hang out "as a customer." He would go in every day. If she wasn't working, he would ask for her schedule so he'd know exactly when he needed to show up again. Despite our daughter going to her management, this man continued to show up at work and ask her coworkers about her. Even I tried speaking to the managers to express how they were failing to protect her and her privacy. We were told that as long as he was a customer and he wasn't doing anything to interfere with her job, he couldn't be stopped. However, they did tell the department not to give out her schedule.
It happened one afternoon that my husband had an appointment and said he'd like to take her work since it was on his way. They enjoyed a nice chat until they pulled into the parking lot of her job and she saw the stalker just getting out of his truck. Immediately she was near tears as she said, "He's here before I even walk in! I can't get away from him!" Her father had listened to her try to do all the right things for weeks with no results. And he'd had enough.
He told her to "go ahead inside, I'm right behind you."
What she heard was "go ahead inside."
Heartbroken and scared, she got out of the vehicle and walked into her job, never noticing that her father got out and followed her in. His eye was on her the entire time. She went straight to her department to clock in. Her father followed. And found her stalker standing just feet away from where his daughter would be working in just a few moments.
Knowing his name and his ambitions for the military, my husband struck up a friendly conversation. The guy had no idea what was about to take place. He smiled at my husband and answered a few questions. Then he asked how my husband knew his name. "Oh, that's because I'm xxxxx's dad." You could have heard a pin drop. Our daughter's coworkers were watching it all play out in real time - the smile fade, the nervous look around, the sizing up of what this father was now going to do. And my husband, the father of my children, told this guy that if he wanted to pursue a career in the military, he'd need to make different choices. Better choices. Because an arrest for stalking wouldn't be looked upon with favor if he decided to enlist. My husband made no threats. He didn't touch him. He didn't even raise his voice. He simply stated that he would use whatever legal recourse available to him to protect his daughter if the man would not stop harassing her. And then my husband walked away. But not before going to speak to our daughter's management. He reminded them that it was their job to protect their employees and that meant not allowing anyone to harass, follow, or upset them to the point of feeling unsafe at work. He also reminded them that they can refuse service to any "customer" at any time and ban this guy from the store. But that no matter what they decided, he would make sure that his daughter felt safe wherever it was she decided to work. And then he left for his appointment.
What she had tried to fix for months, her father handled in ten minutes.
I think sometimes God works that way. We try so hard to solve our problems. Sometimes they're problems we've created so we think we have to fix them. Other times the problem is because of someone else and we think we have to regain control. And even when we get to a point where we pray and cry and seek God because "I don't know how to fix this!" we don't always get that warm feeling that He's waved His hand and made it all disappear.
We tell Him our problem and He says “go ahead, move forward. Do what you’re supposed to.” And we think “what?! How am I supposed to solve this? You said come to You and now You’re telling me to just go about my business?”
Yet He’s right behind us, bringing up the rear, re-enforcement we don’t even realize. He is the solution, He is handling what He knows we cannot. But we’re too stressed and worried to notice Him.
Our daughter still talks about the day her dad confronted her stalker. She still tells the story from her perspective, that she "didn't know he got out of the car. I just remember thinking, ok, I have to go in here alone because Dad has to go. I didn't know he followed me in. But I'm so glad he did!"
My friend, I pray that this story and analogy will somehow give you a beautiful moment for your heart as well. Perhaps you can look at a situation you are going through, or something you've experienced, and see the Father's love as He is not leaving you. Just because you didn't hear all of His words or see Him walking beside you, doesn't mean He has hung back while you continue to fight a losing battle. He is here - going before you and coming behind you, to defend you, His precious child.
