Wives

...I’m talking to you

Let me tell you a story.

Eight years ago, I was trying to sell a house. My husband had already moved three states away to start the new job that was an answer to prayer. We were geographically separated, and it was a very stressful time in every area of our lives. But the biggest stress was financial.

Our realtor suggested we install new carpet. She said it would be the key to getting an offer. My suggestion was to offer a flooring allowance so the buyer could pick what they wanted. But after two months of little interest, the realtor re-suggested that we install the carpet ourselves. 

I did not like that solution. I was supposed to be saving money, not adding debt. There was no guarantee we’d recuperate the cost of new carpet in the sale of the house. I’d have to pay extra to install around the current furniture (versus a buyer having flooring laid before they moved in). What if a buyer didn’t want carpet? What if they walked away because they wanted hardwood? What if they pulled up what I just paid for to install hardwood?! No, this was a bad idea. We needed to stay the course and wait for a buyer to be interested in the flooring allowance.

A friend asked me how the sale of the house was going. I told her about the realtor’s suggestion and all about my stress and frustration and reasons why it wouldn’t work. Then she said, “What does your husband think y’all should do?” And I said, “HA! He wants me to replace the carpet!” It was a very exhausted, sarcastic, flippant end to the conversation.

But the Holy Spirit had just let a friend spiritually smack me in the head. Because what I realized within a couple hours of that discussion was that I’d been ignoring my husband. I’d been spending all of my energy and thoughts and prayers to go against what my husband had been telling me to do. And I had to repent. To the Lord, and to my husband. 

I have an amazing husband. He forgave me and said he knew I was trying so hard to be a good steward of our finances. He knew my heart was in the right place to want to avoid new debt. But he truly felt that new carpet was the right choice, and he didn’t know how to get me to agree with him. Well, problem solved. 

We replaced the carpet. Within a week, we had an offer. A full price offer. And the buyer’s three year old little boy did somersaults all over our (their) new carpet because he’d never lived in a house with carpet before. Cue the tears! 

So wives: what does your husband think y’all should do? You need to be listening to him. 

I’m not talking about “my husband thinks we should rob a bank.” I don’t mean “my husband wants to buy a new car, but we can’t pay our rent/mortgage.” 

I’m referring to the conversations you two are having about what to do with your lives and your family and your bank account and your dreams. When you know both of you are praying, but you’re still not on the same page with your ideas. 

I’m talking about letting go of your own solutions and letting your husband lead.

I was in rebellion about installing new carpet. I didn’t mean to be. I thought I was doing the right thing. But the more I fought, the more stressed we were. As soon as I accepted my husband’s decision - and the reality of adding more debt - there was a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. In my eyes, there was no way spending $5000 would bring me relief. But it did. Because my realtor, my husband, and God all knew that if we’d change that carpet, the house (our major stress factor) would sell. I was the one refusing to listen.

Where are you not listening? Is there an area in your life where people you love and trust are telling you to take a risk, but you’re digging your heels in? Are you too busy coming up with legitimate excuses that you don’t hear the Father encouraging you to trust Him?

I am so thankful for the friend who only asked me one question: what does your husband think y’all should do? She changed everything in an instant.

Sometimes our husbands are wrong. Sometimes they lead us and we have a hard time following because we know they’re wrong. I have one of those stories too. But the beauty of my life is that ultimately, my faith isn’t in my husband. It’s in Yeshua Jesus. Even when my husband leads us down a road we shouldn’t have taken, the Lord brings us through. He brings peace and blessings from the mistakes. Even when I rebel against Him and my husband, Christ brings correction and strengthens bonds through forgiveness. 

Wives, I know submission scriptures have been abused by some churches and some husbands. But that is not the truth of the word. To submit to your husband takes the responsibility off of you and onto him. And the burden on your husband is not light. Your husband answers to the Lord for your sake. A wife who can respect her husband’s decision and encourage him and walk beside him through that decision has pleased the Lord. There is blessing in that posture! I encourage you to pray about whatever area is troubling you right now and seek your godly husband’s advice: 

“What do you think we should do?”

Love is...

...not what I thought...

“Love is patient, love is kind...” Most of us have heard the beginning of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a enough to recognize it.  Throughout my years as a Christian, I always viewed this passage as a list of things I'd be if I was loving someone correctly. And it is a list of those things. But I’ve recently had an epiphany. 

You see, I struggle with loving people.  Of course, I love my family.  I might not always like what they say or do, but I love them.  And I love my friends because they're the ones I get to choose to have in my life.  But others? Strangers, acquaintances, coworkers...some of those people are HARD to love.  Who am I kidding.  Sometimes friends and family are hard to love!  Because I want people to be like me.  I want them to be respectful and honest and nice and don't cut me off! (I really struggle with bad drivers.) Don't take their bad day out on me; don't make me late; don't put my life at risk; and don't be rude!  Yeah, I struggle.

I pray and ask God for His heart for people a lot.  More often I'm asking Him to forgive me for how I reacted to those people I'm having a hard time loving.  I'm trying to do better and I'm being honest.  Anyway...I was praying about how to love others as Christ loves us. And the Lord brought the verses of 1 Corinthians 13 to mind. Only this time, instead of a list of all the things I should be to the individuals I love, I thought of it as examples of ways to show love to others.  Actions versus feelings.

"Love is patient" with the new cashier learning her job when I just want to get home. 

"Love is kind" to the neighbor who always seems to be in a bad mood. 

"It does not envy" the person on social media who can afford all the things, but has no one who truly appreciates them.

"It does not boast" to the friend who is struggling to get through just one more day.

"It is not proud" when humility is what will touch a heart more.

"It does not dishonor others" by telling lies or being disrespectful.

"It is not self-seeking" and rather seeks opportunities to help others.

"It is not easily angered" and instead tries to find out the root cause of the situation.

"It keeps no records of wrongs" because I know I too have a long list of wrongs people could pull out - but they don't.

"Love does not delight in evil" even if it's popular with the crowd.

"But rejoices with truth" even if it's unpopular and gets you laughed at.

"It always protects" those who cannot protect themselves.

"Always trusts" that even the ugly stuff can be used for good if we let God have it all.

"Love never fails" to look for the silver lining, the big picture, the greater perspective, because everything is temporary.

There are still going to be people I meet that I won't love. Not like I love my husband, or my kids, or my friends and family. But I can show God’s love in my actions. Maybe this isn’t as mind blowing for you, but it’s a struggle I’ve had for years. I have people in my life who have treated me with love from the moment I met them. And I want to be like that. But I fail so much. This new approach to love gives me hope that I can do better at succeeding. Love doesn’t have to be intimate. Jesus didn’t open His heart (emotions) to every person He met. But He did open His mouth and His arms. He gave of His time and His gifts. He chose to give when there was no promise of a return. 

And ironically, I’ve been experiencing this kind of action love in my life this month. Moments of success that gave me joy without ever realizing I was watching the Lord teach me about these verses. 

Sometimes love is answering an email from someone you haven't spoken to in months and find that they are really hurting and needing help.  And they remembered a kind word you spoke to them so they chose you to open up to. Because of you, they get the help they need.

 

Sometimes love is helping someone with an extra cart because the cashier has nowhere to put the grocery bags, but they aren't done unloading their items.

 

Sometimes love is offering to take a picture for strangers so they can both be in the photo.

 

Sometimes love is making eye contact and smiling at someone.

 

In our lives, love is a word used too often and too flippantly.  We love our significant other, our pet, our sofa, our TV show, our tacos, our shoes, and our filters.  But love is also a word not said enough.  Not genuinely.  Some people struggle to say it because of how overused it is.  Some people never say it because it never meant anything special when it was said to them.  So how do you love people?  You have to show them.  Now I feel I'm better equipped to do that. And it turns out, I've been doing it all along.  I just didn't know it.

Final Reflections

What.A.Year.

 

Unless you've lived under a rock or off the grid, you know that 2020 has been quite the year.  It's not the year anyone expected - or wanted.  And yet, here we are, in the final stretch of days.  

In preparation for this post, I went back and read my hopes for 2020.  You can find it here if you're interested.  I enjoyed reminiscing and appreciated where I had been, not knowing what was coming in just a few short months.  And seeing what I'd hoped for in my life based on my 2020 word: FINALLY.

What you may or may not have noticed, I had only two blog posts this year (before today's).  They were both on January 1st.  And then life.  And then the plague.  And then all stop.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.  In the act of survival and sanity, writing encouragements just didn't seem to matter.  And honestly, it didn't feel like anything worth writing about was happening.

But as I looked back over the last twelve months, I realized the Lord was working my word into my life without me even catching it most days.  I had gotten so distracted with the news and the non-living, that I'd missed the beautiful weaving He was doing amidst the chaos.

In 2020, these things FINALLY happened:

- We sold our house.  That's right.  After 18 months of marketing and showings and disappointments, we finally sold our house during a pandemic. God has a sense of humor!

- We moved off east coast.  My spirit had been telling me to get off the coast for the last two years.  Selling our house gave us the opportunity to finally move to the mountains!

 

- We bought our dream retirement home.  During 18 months of attempting to sell, we looked at a lot of houses online.  A LOT.  Some we'd save.  Then they'd sell.  Then we'd start over.  One house in particular we loved.  I even saved pictures of the kitchen.  I had them in my camera app.  I had emailed them to myself. I had emailed them to my husband.  But the house would then be taken off the market.  On and off it went for almost two years.  Then our house went under contract.  And the house we loved?  It came back on the market.  At a lower price.  With over 3 acres of land.  We bought the house, site unseen, in the parking lot of a shopping center six hours away.  And since moving in, we've had numerous confirmations that this is the home God had been saving for us.  Finally!

 

- We have a view.  The number one and two things on my wish list for a retirement home were large windows for natural light and a view.  I finally have both.  And it's gorgeous!

- We're within two hours of our grandkids.  This has been such a blessing.  Most of our kids are scattered across the US.  So to finally be close to our three grandbabies is the best.

- I found a specialist for my autoimmune care.  While we wanted to move to a small area, away from the hustle and bustle, we didn't realize it would be a bit of work to find the services we need.  It took a lot of phone calls, and almost 10 weeks, but I finally found a doctor to transfer my records to and resume care.  That was a huge relief.

- I have ladies to do Bible study with.  One of the ways the Lord has confirmed our move to us is our neighbors.  We are one set of four couples who live in the neighborhood full time (everyone else is seasonal or vacations here).  And these ladies are incredible!  I am so thankful to finally have some neighbor ladies to do life with.

- We're experiencing seasons again.  For many years, the only season we had revolved around the humidity point and the ever unchanging pine trees.  But here we have fall colors!  And snow!  We can finally look forward to a real spring and a real fall instead of 3-5 days of teasing before getting hot again.

- We hosted 4 out of our 7 kids for Thanksgiving.  This is my holiday.  I love the food and laughter and games and relaxation.  And this was the first time in years we were able to have more than just a couple of the kids home.  My wish of having everyone home for Thanksgiving is finally looking like a possibility.

 

- We enjoyed waking up to a blanket of white.  I said we got snow here.  It's average annual snowfall is five inches.  It's snowed twice since December 1st, accumulating a total of about 6.5 inches.  In less than 30 days, we surpassed the annual average.  That's crazy and unexpected and so beautiful.  Add that I have big windows and a front row view of everything covered in snow, and I'm finally home.

Lest anyone think I'm bragging that I have this amazing life while everyone else is suffering and scared and just trying to survive, our lives aren't perfect. We've had setbacks and disappointments.  But after my failure to realize the Lord working in 2019 amid all my struggles, I decided to focus on the positive of this year.  This year has already had enough sadness and change and "new normal" absurdity.  I chose to see where we were on January 1st and list all the things that FINALLY came together over the last twelve months.

And that's what I hope you do as well.  Look back over the last twelve months and figure out what goes on your list of "finally."  Did you finally finish that book?  Did you finally clean out your closet?  Did you finally reconnect with that friendship?  Did you finally make time to make messes with the kids?  Did you finally figure out your worth?  Did you finally just breathe?  I know you accomplished some things.  They don't have to be grandiose. They don't have to be public.  They just have to be important to you. 

I hope you'll reflect and give yourself some credit for making it this year.  Give God thanks for getting you to today.  And ask Him how He can prepare you to face the coming year.  We clearly have no idea what it could possibly hold.  But He does.  And He'll walk through it with you if you let Him.

If I Invite You...

...there will be certain expectations

Imagine you've been invited to someone's home for a dinner party. You have no other plans so you accept the invitation. You are greeted warmly and the meal is served. Conversations are taking place. But then you decide to make a comment. Or ask a question. And the tone of your words - or the words themselves - is rude, inflammatory, or unacceptable. And the host suddenly has an issue with what's happening at his/her table.

What happened? Everything was going so well!

Let's say I'm the host. I extended the invitation so realistically, I must acknowledge there is a risk that things might not go as planned. Someone may have an allergy. Someone might be late. Some guests might not mingle well with one another. Someone might just bring something uncomfortable to my table. And I need to be a good host. It’s not my intention to have people over only to end up arguing and in chaos. But as guests, each person accepted the invitation, so they should know that there will be realistic expectations of their appropriate behavior as well while they’re here. Manners and respect shouldn't have to be explained.

And yet, this is social media.

I post something. I put myself out there, inviting others to participate in a conversation. And I have to acknowledge the risk that someone might bring something unexpected or uncomfortable to my "table."

But if you comment on my post, then you accepted the invitation into the discussion. Not to a debate. Not to a tirade. You came to my table, and I expect you to use some manners, even if you don't like everything I'm serving. Likewise, if I decide that I want to come to your page and comment on your topic, I need to bring my good manners to your table.

You'd have every right to be disgusted or offended if I came to your home with anger and judgement, attacking you for your food choices. You've have every right to ask me to leave if I disrespected you in your home. If I didn't like what you were offering, I could have chosen not to accept the invitation.

That's what scrolling past a post is on social media - it's refusing an invitation to sit at a table you don't like.

But too many people think they can say anything they want simply because it's their table. They are not a good host. They want to post inflammatory topics in the hopes - nah, the blatant attempt - that people will stop by and stir the pot. That is a host who is just waiting to make the people at their table sick to their stomachs.

At the same time, many people think that since they accepted the invitation then I must surely want to hear every opinion they have on a subject. And that's not true either. A good guest is someone who realizes they are grateful to be included at the table because their company is valued. And if that value ends, so will future invitations. None of us wants to sit at an empty table.

We have become a society of attention seekers and screamers. We all have something to say (I'm obviously in that category as I write this). And we all want an audience (as I clearly hope with readership). But what we have to say should never ostracize those we invite to participate in our posts. And our responses to those invitations should never be more important than the person we're responding to.

It's easy to have courage behind a keyboard. But we all have feelings; we all struggle; we all need kindness. Maybe instead of trying to be controversial and righteous, we should view ourselves as sitting at a table and having a meal together. 

• Use your manners.
• Use your inside voice. 
• Be thankful for your invitation. 
• Be thankful the invitation was accepted.

No More 2019

It's finally 2020!

One of the more popular things to do in the last decade has been to pick a word to focus on throughout the year: intentional, joy, recover, simplify, abide…a word that seems to keep coming to you or a state of being that you’re craving to embrace.

My word for 2019 was MORE.  I had wanted to give more effort, more patience, more kindness, more time. I had all these visions of what more would look like from month to month. 

What I didn’t know in January is that 2019 would be one of the most difficult years I’ve had in a very long time.  While my family was overall happy and healthy in the most important ways, there were some struggles that I only spoke about with two people.  And one in particular was instrumental in getting me through some very, very hard months.

And in that time, I got MORE in ways I never expected:  more tears, more pain, more unknowns, more “no,” more “wait.”

I felt like an absolute failure most of the time.  MORE times than not.

But my sister put such a great perspective on my word.  She told me, “I like “more.” And isn’t it interesting that sometimes our words do not reflect what we intended for them.  It proves that our hope is always in Jesus and not ourselves.  And certainly not in the hope of a word.”

Those four sentences flipped my heart.

I couldn’t deny that I had failed to give more effort.  I had wasted more time. But I had also had to be more patient and more trusting.  I had to become more vulnerable when sharing my heart with a safe person.  I had to stop expecting more from someone who couldn’t give more.  I had to focus more on the promises of God than the circumstances I was walking through.

This year we have gone through more changes than we ever expected – and less than we expected.  There were more disappointments than we had hoped for.  And many, many more blessings.

I can see now where maybe I had my focus skewed.  I was looking for all the positivity of MORE, and what I got was the perseverance of MORE.

My flippant answer right now is that I hope my new word for 2020 is FINALLY!  That the things we have been praying for, hoping for, working toward, will finally come to fruition.  That we will finally get some answers.  That we will finally be settled.  But I also finally realize that I have to leave room for the Lord to work.  I can’t simply look at my year as my wish list of things I hope to accomplish.  I must let Him guide and orchestrate and provide and be in absolute control.  Because anything that He brings into my life I know will be for His glory.  Even if it’s more than I want to deal with, I will finally have the right perspective.

No More Chances

When enough is enough!

Do you know anyone who keeps going back into an unhealthy situation because they can't seem to shake the idea that they'll eventually be able to fix them? Maybe it's a coworker who keeps sharing their failed attempts.  Maybe it's a family member who is always talking about "maybe this time...."  Maybe it's you.

Here's a sentence I read the other day:  We all have that one person we just give too many chances to.

Man, isn't that the truth?!  I know we've all been there.  And Jesus even tells us to forgive "seventy X seven" times (Matthew 18:21-22).  But He doesn't say to keep putting ourselves in a position that we don't have to with someone that is hurting us in some way.  If it's our child or our spouse, yeah, we're going to have to keep forgiving - and being forgiven - many, many, MANY times in our relationship with that person.  But there are times when we also need to remove ourselves from toxic situations.

My daughter is a fixer. She thinks she can do good in anybody’s life. But she always ends up the one hurt - and the person never changes. But she just keeps giving them a second chance. Then a third. Then a fourth....

People who like fixers are like moldy fruit. The good strawberries don’t make the moldy one healthy. The moldy one corrupts all the ones around it. Then they all have to be thrown away. Moldy strawberries don’t get second chances. They’re ruined. You save the good strawberries you can by getting rid of the moldy one(s) as soon as possible.

You can’t fix what’s ruined. You can only protect yourself from their mold or get their mold on you. There are no second chances for moldy strawberries!  

And then I read this:  "I'm tired of making up..."

Oh sweet child. The first word of “making up” is make. If you have to MAKE it work, MAKE it fit, MAKE him (or her) happy....you’re forcing it. And it will never work by force.

People say marriage is hard. (You can fill in relationships there instead.) But that’s only half true. It’s hard with the wrong person. Tough situations happen that two people have to face. With the wrong person, you’re no longer dealing with the situation - you’re dealing with them wanting everything their way. You have to MAKE them happy rather than solve the problem. But with the right person, it’s easy! There are still tough times, but you face them together instead of fighting each other. They help you MAKE the problem go away.

You have to ask yourself: am I always butting heads with this person (standing toe to toe) or do I have an ally against the situation (standing beside you)? 

You want someone who faces the world WITH you, not against you.

If you know someone in this broken cycle of heartache and failure, I hope you'll encourage them with this short message.  If you're the one on the never-ending loop of fixing and forcing, I hope you'll find the courage to get off the ride and take care of you.

Making Sense of Feeding Sheep

Peter's Charge is Our Charge

I have a beautiful friend who brings so much joy and encouragement to my life. She and I discuss life and scripture and more life and more scripture, showing one another the layers of the Word as the Holy Spirit guides our conversations.  Recently we were looking at the final chapter of John. In the first 17 verses, there is so much good stuff!  But there's a section that made me think of you, beloved reader.  A few verses that I hadn't dissected before and thought you might enjoy the revelation as well.

A quick recap:  Peter and a few other disciples have been fishing all night and caught nothing. As they head to shore, a stranger they do not recognize tells them to put their nets onto the right side of the boat.  They do - and the fish are so plentiful that they can't get the net back into the boat.  They realize that the stranger is Jesus and He tells them to bring so fish to shore to have breakfast with Him.  There's a lot of other good stuff in there that we loved discussing, but that's for another day.

So here we are at verse 15.  Breakfast is finished and Jesus wants to talk to Peter.  He asks Peter three times almost the exact same question: Do you love me? If you'll recall, Peter has previously denied Jesus three times (John 18:15-27).  So here Jesus is nullifying those denials with Peter's affirmative answers.  But that's not the focus of my thoughts either.  Let's read the verses together:

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you."

Jesus said, “Feed my lambs."

Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."

Jesus said, “Shepherd my sheep."

The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Jesus said, “Feed my sheep."  (John 21:15-17)

Jesus said almost the same thing each time, with just a little variation.  But it's in those variations that the real charge is given.  Remember that no word is wasted in scripture so the words Jesus chose have to matter.

If you've read my other posts - or a lot of the parables of the bible - you'll know that people are symbolized as sheep quite often in scripture due to stubbornness and the need for a Shepherd (who is Christ for believers). But in these three verses, the focus isn't so much on the animal used as it is the age of the animal.

Jesus first says to "feed my lambs."  Lambs are babies.  Like human babies, they need constant care.  They need kept warm, they need protected from danger they don't recognize, and they need fed.  A lot.  And often.  So what is represented here by "lambs" is a new believer in Christ.  Someone who is just learning to walk in their new relationship with Him as their Savior.  They need fed the Word.  A lot.  And often.  Who are they in Christ? What does the Lord say about their value? Why can they trust that His love for them is real? Jesus is telling Peter to feed the new disciples that are being made.

Then He says, "shepherd my sheep." Some bible versions say "tend my sheep."  Sheep are adults.  They can feed themselves and meet basic needs.  But they need guidance.  They need direction.  Once new believers grow and become more mature in their relationship with Christ, they do not need someone feeding them scripture all the time.  But they do need to be tended to.  Discipleship is ongoing.  We aren't meant to walk this road alone after becoming an adult.  In life, we have coworkers, friends, family members, spouses - relationships that keep us from being alone.  The same applies to our life within the church - we need to tend to one another, walking with one another as we encourage and train and lead and keep maturing.  Jesus is telling Peter not to ignore the more mature disciples who need continued guidance.

And then Jesus mixes the two: "feed my sheep."  What?!  We just discussed that lambs need fed, but sheep can feed themselves so what does this mean? Have you ever known a believer in Christ who seemed to just give up?  Have you ever watched someone at church go through so much heartache and tribulation that they lost faith and hope in what they once proclaimed?  Have you ever felt that things were so bad that you had no desire to walk out all the things you knew you were supposed to do?  There are times in life that our burdens feel heavier than we can carry. The pressure of surviving is more important than the call to maturity. There is a danger in distancing ourselves from the Body. It is in those times that we need someone to walk with us and feed us on the simple truths of God. Basic needs become the focus - a listening ear, a ride, a meal. Someone to stand in the gap when praying and worshiping seem too difficult to do on our own. Jesus is reminding Peter that sometimes the adults will need to be fed for a time until they can regroup and rejoin the productive herd.

These three verses are a powerful reminder to us.  We need to be aware of the different lambs and sheep in our lives.  We need to take notice of the different stages the sheep are in.  Sometimes we forget that even a mature adult can end up in trouble. In Matthew 18, Jesus tells of a man who has 100 sheep and one gets lost.  Not a lost lamb, a lost sheep. It doesn't matter how many years we walk with the Lord, we can still get "lost" in the chaos of this world.  Don't misunderstand me.  I'm not talking about losing salvation.  I mean that the burdens of this life can become overwhelming: death of a loved one, a marital problem, an illness, a financial crisis, the worry over a child...any number of things can burden us despite our deep and solid walk with Jesus.

If you know a hungry lamb, feed them.  

If you are a hungry lamb, seek a shepherd.

If you know a sheep that needs shepherded, step up.  

If you are a sheep that needs shepherded, seek a shepherd.

If you know a hungry sheep, by all means, feed them!  

If you are a hungry sheep, by all means, seek a shepherd!

Wherever you are right now, whatever your circumstances, you are loved.  

You are seen by the One who sees it all.  

You are not alone.  

Seek The Shepherd.